Here at Lovefraud, we’ve heard thousands of horror stories of marriages to sociopaths. Thinking about these unfortunate involvements, it seems to me that there are three types of romantic relationships with sociopaths. I call them the Marriage Masks, and they are:
1. Calculated exploitation
The sociopath targets an individual for the explicit purpose of exploiting him or her, using the unsuspecting partner for money, sex, a place to live or something else that the sociopath wants.
My ex-husband, James Montgomery, targeted me because I had what he wanted: money, good credit, my own home and business connections in the city where he decided he was going to make a fortune. He sweet talked me, married me and drained me, and then he moved on without a thought.
2. Passing entertainment
The sociopath finds the partner to be a suitable involvement for the present—until the sociopath gets bored, antsy, or some other individual catches his or her eye. At this point, the partner is discarded.
Mary Jo Buttafuoco described her husband, Joey Buttafuoco, in her book, Getting It Through My Thick Skull. To me, it seems that Joey Buttafuoco was one of those sociopaths who was simply looking for a good time, for entertainment. He worked and she was a stay-at-home mom, so he wasn’t using her financially. But eventually he had an affair with a teenager, then visits to hookers, then a new wife. Changing women was like changing the scenery.
3. Image creation
In order to secure a coveted place in society, the sociopath may seem devoted to his or her spouse or family in public, but life at home, behind closed doors, is another matter entirely.
Here’s an example that was recently in the news. Stephen Green, founder of a fundamentalist organization in the United Kingdom called Christian Voice, preaches against homosexuality, abortion, Islam and Jerry Springer. “The enemies of God are having their say,” proclaims the organization’s website. “It’s time to hear the Christian Voice!”
Green portrays himself as the guardian of morality in the U.K. However, Caroline Green, his former wife, paints a totally different picture—domestic violence:
He told me he’d make a piece of wood into a sort of witch’s broom and hit me with it, which he did,’ she recalls, her voice tentative and quiet. ”˜He hit me until I bled. I was terrified. I can still remember the pain.
Stephen listed my misdemeanours: I was disrespectful and disobedient; I wasn’t loving or submissive enough and I was undermining him. He also said I wasn’t giving him his conjugal rights.
Here’s the whole revolting story in the Daily Mail:
Missing: Ability to love
These categories are not hard and fast, and some sociopathic relationships and marriages may show signs of two or all three types. But however the disfunction manifests, the root problem is that sociopaths are not capable of feeling real love.
They are, however, capable of acting like they feel love—at least in the beginning of a relationship. I call it the luring stage—the period of time when sociopaths do everything you’d ever dream that smitten partners would do. They call, they want to be with you, they give gifts, they make you feel cherished. They do this until they hook you.
Then, sociopathic behavior starts to reflect the real agenda—calculated exploitation, passing entertainment or image creation. The change may be subtle or sudden. The relationship may gradually devolve, it may swing back and forth between normal and unconscionable, or it may suddenly evaporate.
But at some point, the Marriage Mask slips, and we come face to face with the truth: We are being used.
It is incredibly interesting how this article was here, looking me in the face at the moment I logged on. Maybe it is a sign of some sort, as I have not been here in at least a couple of weeks, and this article (thank you Donna) seems more fitting than any other, to post what I need to say. However, I do hope that I am staying within the main point of the topic that you have layed down, here.
I haven’t been here in a while as I came to a point in my own recovery where I felt so great that I was concerened that I could sabotage my new-found freedom from the hardest parts of the process, by possibly triggering something that could cause me to back-peddle, if you will, if I were to start reading and participating here, again. But this is not why I am writing.
I was to a point where I hadn’t thought about the psychopath, nor heard from him in aproximately 3 months (I never had the desire to contact him, because once I realized what he was about, I loathed and despised him, granted, I was only in the relationshit for aprox. 9 months). I have been so GRATEFUL for the passing of my INTENSE anger (although I do have some anger) and some of the other hardships I had to contend with in the wake of th aftermath. On Friday afternnon, I got a phone call at my office, from a girl who claimed to be a victim of his, fairly recently. I know of a different victim he has at this time, however it is not the girl who called me. Oh and I must not forget to tell you that this P is MARRIED. Needless to say, I first had no knowledge, then I was told they wrere in the process of a divorce, then the words from his mouth were I will never leave my wife. Yadee, Yadee, Yadee, Blah Blah Blah. So , yes I was duped, used, etc. Now this girl calls out of the blue. I mean I did expect that someday I may get a call from someone.
Anyway, I will skip over all that was said. All of the details. I thought in the beginning of the conversation that I was speaking with a real victim, however, towards the end of the conversation it was clear as day that this person was put up to calling me, by the p’s wife. I would have gladly spoken to the wife, however. Unfortunately, since I did think I was speaking to a real victim for most of the conversation, I divulged some information that I now wish I hadn’t such as the amount of time I spent with him and possibly one or two other minor things. I no longer fear his SORRY ASS, but I do not want any trouble. We are in the same profession, and when I left my previous office (where I was working with the P), I only moved a few blocks up the street, as I am in Real Estate and needed to keep myself and my business in the same city/basic location.
After checking in with some of my associates/friends from my previous office, over the weekend, they told me that his wife has hired an attourney and has been coming into the (P’s)office, unanounced, checking people out, possibly because she knows or suspects, he is having an affair. I can assure you that he is having at least one, but possibly three.
So here I am, trying not to think about it, to stay focused on my everyday life and the things that are most important. The creep, umongst other things caused me to lose all focus, business, myself, my soul, etc. You know how it is, I am sure! I hope that I am able to think of other things this week besides possibly being served court papers to apear, and then have to relive my story, so to speak. I feel like marching into his office, myself, and in front of his new victim and everyone else (I was there for may years and I am close to almost every single agent, and they all think he is a shady user) divulge everything he did to me, both business wise and intimately. I thought this was finished, over, done with, but it is not the case, perhaps. I foresee now having to be tangeled up with this new aspect of the psychopathic occurance. YUCK!!
Thank’s for listening! I really appreciate it!
Eden
I had just recently read the book by Mary Jo Buttafuoco and was surprised how much I identified with her. All I ever wanted was a happy home and a good marriage.
My first marriage ended when my first husband turned out to be gay. He hid it very well because he was a career military officer. I had my one and only child by that marriage. She developed late onset Autism.
The interesting thing about my marriages is that both husbands were 28 years old when I married them and had not been married before nor had they been in a recent serious relationship. I was 20 when I married the first. I think he was looking for a trophy wife who he could take to Officer’s Club Parties. I was just past 30 when I met and married my second husband. He was younger than me, had purchased a house for income property but was living in it. I came knocking on his door one day as an Avon Representative. I have to kind of laugh now thinking I was like Red Riding hood going to the wolf’s door. He had two aquariums of fish, one was for the offspring. After visiting a few times as he would buy something each time to keep me coming back, he asked me if I wanted some fish. He was working the 3 to 11 shift and his mother was dying of breast cancer. I did not find it odd that he wasn’t actively dating. I invited him to dinner, had set up my own aquarium and had him bring over the fish. I also had a little stray kitten that he liked. He did buy me gifts, took me out a lot and seemed to be in love with me.
He lost his job though as the company he worked for closed. He was worried that he was going to lose his house, and I was paying rent on a rental house. His sister was the one who suggested that I move in with him and help him with his house. I was a pastor’s daughter and would not at that time consider living with someone I wasn’t married to so we got married. I know now that we would have never married so soon if it wasn’t “convenient”. I brought a large child support check into the marriage, a car, and an autistic daughter who he had a knack with. He was not afraid of her melt downs and got us out of the house.
After the initial love bombing stage our marriage became just so so. He got another job but still worked the late shift. He liked it. When he had the chance to work days once he had seniority he still would not. Therefore, I had a shift of him and a shift of my daughter. Sometimes, they would wave at each other as he was leaving and she was getting off of the school bus.
He didn’t like me changing anything in “his home”. Although he was a good provider he somehow always managed to remind me how much he hated his job. Because I couldn’t pay someone to take care of my daughter and make it worth my while to work, I was a stay at home housewife. The weekends were spent taking daughter somewhere or shopping. He always liked shopping but didn’t like to spend a lot of time at home except doing yard work. He procrastinated on home improvement projects. I was very dependent and soon started asking his opinion about everything. We couldn’t paint because we needed insulation first, I was allergic to the insulation. He blamed me for that. We couldn’t buy a new door because the frame was not level and it didn’t fit. We just kept shopping and looking but never got anything done.
I visited the neighbors, was the one who took the casseroles when they were in the hospital, was an autism advocate, and a church organist. I taught lessons, babysat, and took in office work. I did a lot of things off and on but was later deemed “WORTHLESS” by him. Why? Probably because I didn’t finish college and didn’t use my degree to support him. Later when my daughter went to a group home I worked by the school year as a ParaPro but had to interview every year to get a different job. Every time I had an interview I would ask him to change his schedule to a day shift so we could spend some time together. He always waffled plus I felt that he would resent me if he did. I always gave in to him.
Being like the frog in the boiling pot I didn’t realize what was happening. I did get my name put on the house and was co-mortgager as soon as we got married. I started writing the checks and handled the money. We still managed to get ourselves into credit card debt. I thought it was my fault. I realized however that as his shopping addiction escalated he was putting things on lay-a-way and paying for ebay purchases with money orders. As long as he paid cash for things it was ok, or so he thought. I just never could make the money stretch. I would buy him expensive items for holiday’s. He would have trouble remembering my birthday. He would remember, but would wait until the last minute at the end of the day to bring in some flowers. I always fought with him about this. You could say I stood up for myself, but I think it was more like whining. I did the same thing in my first marriage “I don’t think it is fair that……..” He never ceased to remind me who made the money.
He became a hoarder. I wanted a neat house. I was not a clean freak, but I hated clutter. I HATE HOARDING. I had the idea of starting to sell some things and get us out of debt. Whenever we had a yard sale it was usually things of mine that went. He would maybe drag things out of the garage that were rusty but they usually sold. I knew there was an unwritten law to NOT MESS WITH HIS STUFF. DO NOT EVEN MOVE HIS STUFF. I did, but it was like shoveling snow uphill trying to get anything accomplished so we just had fun. I had a fear I can’t quite explain about what would happen if I just did what he didn’t want me to do.
He finally had an affair, that I knew about. He confessed to me. I helped him get rid of her as she became somewhat of a stalker. I don’t believe I really dealt with it at the time emotionally. Later, I realized that he was still talking to her. I blamed her, not him. As sometimes happens that was the only time that our marriage got some fire in it. You know the sex became better because I felt like it was my fault that he had the affair. We bought a new car and did a few things together. That lasted for a short time.
He just didn’t seem to require a lot. He may have cheated more that I didn’t know about, but since I had a hard time getting him to change his underwear I really doubt it. I think he just liked his addictions, his stuff, and let me know not to mess with it. After all it was his house when I moved in.
One day I climbed out of that boiling pot and said “Hey just one darn minute here, this is my house too. I started taking more and more initiative. He started heaping on terrible verbal abuse. The power had shifted. He would undermine or sabotage anything I tried to do. I cleaned the bathroom once to where you could go clean blind and he swore a blue streak about my new makeup box I had put in there. I could probably count on one hand with a couple of fingers left over how many compliments I received from him. There was hardly any kissing. The sex was ok but not really love making. I would do something that I was proud of and I would ask him how it looked. He would tell me it looked good, but I had to ask, he couldn’t just throw out a compliment.
I know he used a lot of projection which I called double speak. His verbal abuse escalated, but what I had been calling passive aggressive zingers was really gaslighting. He, of course, lied when it was easier to tell the truth. I do not know why he even bothered to get married. I don’t know why I stayed with him for so long. I guess I felt trapped.
Like Mary Joe Buttafuoco, I was the adult in the relationship. I was older than him and more responsible. I also had phobia’s. I didn’t like to drive, and sometimes got panic attacks. He preyed on that fact. He also seemed like a little kid who liked to play with fireworks on the 4th of July, loved drama, created drama. When we were separated he broke into our garage, stole his own air compressor, and blamed me for letting it happen. He didn’t admit to taking it. Two years later when he came to get his stuff, the air compressor was found in the back of the garage.
Was he a sociopath? I didn’t think so until now. He is very negative and doesn’t seem to enjoy much of anything. It was always easier to blame me for his sorry ass life. He left me the week before our 25th Wedding Anniversary and right before my daughter was facing a serious 6 hour surgery.
When the divorce was finally filed, it took two court dates, preliminary, and a settle out of court meeting, and two 3 hours mediations. I bought him out of half of the house, and got alimony. That could be why he hates me so much. Even though he left and he filed for divorce, I got a good lawyer and defended myself.
I could keep writing but this seems to be the best place to put this and I am not sure it will all fit in this space.
Thanks for reading, and Thank you Donna for this place to come and talk about these things.
True-to-Self
TTS
WHen you write, I am blessed. You are so clear and concise with what your experience was like. I find it so amazing that even while I was the OW in my situation, the behaviors out of some spaths here as told by their wives are almost exactly what I saw with mine. As I read your post here, more than a couple of times, I thought, were with with the same POS? Mine was a hoarder too. BIG TIME. His shop is filled with crap he doesn’t need. He’s a compulsive shopper. When he buys things and decides he doesn’t want to use it, he’d just simply put it in the shop. I wonder where the money comes from. I’ve always wondered. I think you’re right on about the OW, my dear. I remember being accused of being a stalker, but what his wife didn’t know was that he was STILL talking to me. We didn’t see one another for a few months after he confessed to her about us, but that didn’t last very long. Same bs story, different day. She’s a bitch, she’s abusive, blah blah blah….so go with your instincts on that one as you are more than correct! And there was probably more than one. I now believe that mine had more than one affair during his marriage and before me.
Mine was also extremely negative and massively dramatic about everything as well as hugely alcoholic. With all that drama, it’s not a wonder I was so addicted to it.
Thanks for sharing your story TTS. I related so much to it and I LOVE the way you write!
LL
Of the three types of sociopath listed, mine definitely wanted the image of a perfect life and family. My two daughters even said to me “Mom, I think dad married you for your looks and you cook and clean for him”. It was pretty uncanny that they both said this to me at different times.
After we were settled down in our first house is when I started to really feel like I was invisible. He told me I couldn’t take a promotion and eventually told me I needed to quit my job.
I think the image of marriage is very important to him. As soon as I started seeing the behaviors he had been hiding, the mask slipped and holy sh**! Never thought he would attempt some of the things he tried to pull off.
In the end he is just a fake, everything about him is fake. He once said that he was afraid that people at work would find out he was a fraud. I thought he felt like he wasn’t as good as some of his co-workers, nope, he is really a FRAUD!
Eden and LL,
There are actually two women that I know about, and one was his sister. I don’t really mean that in an incestuous way. I blamed her for a lot of what went wrong in our marriage. She could talk in the same tone of voice that he did. Where she hurt me was “putting me out of the family.” She seemed to have that power. The others seem to be afraid to stand up to her. I not only lost my marriage but the extended family. As far as the OW goes, I would have never figured that one out if he had not told me. He was sick one morning, had been with her the night before as he was late getting home from work. Since I was asleep and didn’t realize that, he told me. Supposedly he was sick because he was guilt ridden. I even picked up the phone and called him in sick. I kept it together. Looking back now I think he just wanted to torture me. He actually had the flu and I caught it later.
Donna, I think his motive in our marriage was passing entertainment. He got stuck though because I became dependent and the autistic child was more than a handful.
He would have long phone conversations with his sister. I believe now that he believed he was going to inherit some money from my mom and step dad. He was very good to them, and knowing that I didn’t get along with my mother was actually surprised when she took my side in the divorce.
When I mentioned that he hated me so much, the hatred started long before the divorce. He was D and D ing me and trying to get me to leave. I didn’t have anywhere to go.
The day that he left we had spent the past four months fighting on weekends. I woke up and couldn’t quit crying. He asked me what was wrong. I told him I didn’t know. I had been working downstairs for a month getting things off of a moldy area rug so I could finally get rid of the rug. I starting taking some more things out. He protested because something might be “still good”….then he went downstairs and realized that I had already got rid of two of his coffee table books about airplanes. Yes they were nice books, but what were they doing on the moldy rung. There was so much stuff down there that things piled up on one small table had started falling off. That is when he threw his infamous tantrum and started tossing out my things, including my dad’s Bible which he tore up in front of me.
He left, but told everyone I told him to. He didn’t come to the hospital when my daughter had her surgery and said that I wouldn’t let him. Actually I had told him that he didn’t need to drive me to the hospital as my mother was going with me. He could come if he wanted to but considering how much we had been fighting I didn’t think the hospital room was a good place to finish the argument. His family thought that I made him leave, wouldn’t let him come to my daughter’s surgery, and filed for divorce. Actually he filed for divorce the day I had a yard sale which he came to the house shouting that “Everyone get off my property.” I had to call the police. They told me that since no divorce had been filed he had just as much right to be there as me. We had been separated for 8 months. We went to lawyers at the same time, but his was filed first.
One of those nights when I was talking to him, he had been researching divorce on the computer. He was taunting me with it. I was worried about some health problems. He told me that I had better get them taken care of because I was going to be without insurance soon. He had this pre-meditated……the divorce that is. He even told me that “You have been through this before.”
He came back 6 weeks later at my request to see if once and for all we could try to work this out. Both times he left he was sadistic in the things he said.
As for the other woman, I think she was as innocent as I was. I am not sure what he told her, but he told me that she would like to bump me off. Her so called stalking only amounted to a phone call, which I answered and hung up on her, and a letter of apology that I received in the mail from her. He had called her in front of me to break things off with her.
I called her another time to tell her off, but then later realized that he had definitely had an affair with her. He was playing us both of course. I minimized the whole thing. I shouldn’t have.
The one and only thing I wanted from my husband was for him to put me first. He would not. He took his sister’s side always over me. He valued his stuff over me. I settled for crumbs. I shouldn’t have. I think I now know what happened. I already had a low self-esteem, was a very trusting nice person who never in my wildest dreams would have thought that someone could be so cruel. I thought he had a personality change. He may have had a Psychotic break, but I believe that fear I felt the entire marriage about what would happen if I really stood up to him was valid. He was covert aggressive, sometimes actually aggressive, sometimes passive aggressive, but I now I know what hit me. I spent 25 years being subjected to his gaslighting.
TTS
Do Sociopaths know that something is wrong/different with them?
JustMe,
If they have even an inkling (most don’t and if they do it’s so vague so as not to matter anyway), they don’t care. They don’t admit they HAVE a problem. That’s part and parcel of their spathiness.
LL
True-to-self,
Thank you for sharing what you have. Your last post is especially helpful to me, personally. To hear things from the wife’s (or in this case, ex wife’s) perspective. I have put myself in her shoes, many times. My friends and family literally had to restrain me from telling her and the new victim, what had been occuring. I still attend therapy, but it is now based mainly on the guilt I have carried for the past few months of having the knowledge of what he has done and continues to do. I know that many victims/survivors do tell. I was so twisted in my thoughts from the manipulation, I believe, that I no longer trusted my own judgement, which I had always been able to trust, my entire life, prior to becoming his victim. I wrote letters to the wife and even stamped the envelopes. I kept being advised that he could harm me both physically and financially (destroy my business reputation). it wasn’t that I wanted to put myself before the others. I was the opposite of that, however I kept being reminded of the fact that if I told, and he found out, he could destroy me, as well as my childs well-being (because I am the sole supporter). I was still so confused and somewhat fearful of a few things. I knew I had to be strong enough to just focus on myself and my personal healing process. The fact that I am now aware that the wife knows, makes it somewhat easier, yet more stressful because of what I may have to contend with in the near future with regard to having to relive my experience with the psychopath.
Thank you very much, again for bringing additional things to light. It is all thought provoking and gives me more clarity.
Eden
True-to-self,
I neglected to mention that I am sorry for the pain and unfortunate experiences that you had to edure. You sound like such a good person and mother, you did not deserve to be treated in the way that you were. Although I did not have to contend with nearly as much as you had, I could feel all that you had expressed through your writing.
Eden
Eden,
Thank you. First let me say that I believe you should forgive yourself and do what is best for you. One of the most frustrating things I find is that in talking to S-paths is that they don’t “get it”. It probably doesn’t even phase them. Every time my husband hurt me and would later apologize I would tell him again how much he hurt me. Well DUH! That just gave him more knowledge of which buttons to push.
There were plenty of witnesses to both sides of him. My friends and daughter’s group home staff think “Oh he seemed like such a nice person.” The witnesses at the yard sale and the day he came to get his stuff saw the violent side of him.
The hardest thing I have had to do is keep quiet. He made that easy though as he had his phone disconnected and didn’t give me his new number. We got in the habit during mediation of not talking to each other as the lawyers advised us not to. So now we don’t. He used to just hang up on me anyway. I HATE THAT. I HATE THE SILENT TREATMENT.
Maybe that is why I find it so therapeutic to post here now. I finally get to tell my story and be believed.
There may be others on here who may advice you, if you want, to testify if you finally want him to be stopped. If you do, do so in a controlled manner. Make it count.
Do not blame yourself. It is their fault not ours.
TTS