Here at Lovefraud, we’ve heard thousands of horror stories of marriages to sociopaths. Thinking about these unfortunate involvements, it seems to me that there are three types of romantic relationships with sociopaths. I call them the Marriage Masks, and they are:
1. Calculated exploitation
The sociopath targets an individual for the explicit purpose of exploiting him or her, using the unsuspecting partner for money, sex, a place to live or something else that the sociopath wants.
My ex-husband, James Montgomery, targeted me because I had what he wanted: money, good credit, my own home and business connections in the city where he decided he was going to make a fortune. He sweet talked me, married me and drained me, and then he moved on without a thought.
2. Passing entertainment
The sociopath finds the partner to be a suitable involvement for the present—until the sociopath gets bored, antsy, or some other individual catches his or her eye. At this point, the partner is discarded.
Mary Jo Buttafuoco described her husband, Joey Buttafuoco, in her book, Getting It Through My Thick Skull. To me, it seems that Joey Buttafuoco was one of those sociopaths who was simply looking for a good time, for entertainment. He worked and she was a stay-at-home mom, so he wasn’t using her financially. But eventually he had an affair with a teenager, then visits to hookers, then a new wife. Changing women was like changing the scenery.
3. Image creation
In order to secure a coveted place in society, the sociopath may seem devoted to his or her spouse or family in public, but life at home, behind closed doors, is another matter entirely.
Here’s an example that was recently in the news. Stephen Green, founder of a fundamentalist organization in the United Kingdom called Christian Voice, preaches against homosexuality, abortion, Islam and Jerry Springer. “The enemies of God are having their say,” proclaims the organization’s website. “It’s time to hear the Christian Voice!”
Green portrays himself as the guardian of morality in the U.K. However, Caroline Green, his former wife, paints a totally different picture—domestic violence:
He told me he’d make a piece of wood into a sort of witch’s broom and hit me with it, which he did,’ she recalls, her voice tentative and quiet. ”˜He hit me until I bled. I was terrified. I can still remember the pain.
Stephen listed my misdemeanours: I was disrespectful and disobedient; I wasn’t loving or submissive enough and I was undermining him. He also said I wasn’t giving him his conjugal rights.
Here’s the whole revolting story in the Daily Mail:
Missing: Ability to love
These categories are not hard and fast, and some sociopathic relationships and marriages may show signs of two or all three types. But however the disfunction manifests, the root problem is that sociopaths are not capable of feeling real love.
They are, however, capable of acting like they feel love—at least in the beginning of a relationship. I call it the luring stage—the period of time when sociopaths do everything you’d ever dream that smitten partners would do. They call, they want to be with you, they give gifts, they make you feel cherished. They do this until they hook you.
Then, sociopathic behavior starts to reflect the real agenda—calculated exploitation, passing entertainment or image creation. The change may be subtle or sudden. The relationship may gradually devolve, it may swing back and forth between normal and unconscionable, or it may suddenly evaporate.
But at some point, the Marriage Mask slips, and we come face to face with the truth: We are being used.
Ox Drover
Thanks for posting that link, Sky, and thanks, Kim for putting up the information, frankly that guy has some good information in his articles and writes very well. I read them all four.
Hope you are feeling better, Kim. We had the first death in the state yesterday from the flu, and there have been nearly 400 deaths from flu in England. Not as bad this year as some years, but people do get really really sick from flu and even die. So drink plenty of fluids and rest as much as you can.
Everyone else, if you haven’t had your flu shot, GET ONE there is still time!!! In the meantime, stay out of crowds as much as you can and keep your hands clean and off your faces. I’ve been using those little sani-towels to wipe the shopping carts when I go to the grocery store and make sure NEVER to touch the doors or latches or light switches in public bathrooms, always use a tissue or paper towel and then dispose of it. Germs can live for days on surfaces! Wash your hands, wash your hands, wash your hands! (Nursie lecture #120) LOL
Ox Drover
Eva,
Life is NOT fair, that is for sure. It is so difficult for some people, especially in the US where we are taught in school that “all people are equal” (which is NOT true in reality or in practice) We are also told that “there are two (valid) sides to every story” and that “it takes two to fight” but neither of those statements are true either.
Democracy, is unfortunately, like two wolves and a sheep VOTING on what to have for dinner. People vote not what is right or just, but vote for what gives them the “best deal” at the least cost to themselves.
There is no ‘ideal” system of government among people, and I don’t think there is anyone who gets great power who doesn’t in some way abuse it (just some more than others.)
The best we can do is to be the best we can be ourselves, and associate with people who are the best that we can find ourselves, raise our children to be the best that we can, and not expect the world to be “fair.” In expecting the world to be “fair” we are asking for something that isn’t possible, and I think that expecting the impossible, and then not getting it, is what makes us the most unhappy.
My late husband’s favorite jokes included the one about the two little kids on Christmas morning, they each got a stocking full of horse poop.
The pessimistic one said “Just what I thought, nothing for Christmas but horse shit!”
The optimistic one said “Hey, maybe there’s a PONY around here some where!”
ErinBrock
Just checking in….
The search came up empty……BUT…..with some great insight.
The dude was really an interesting character……and I learned some things about treasure…..and hunting….and the mindsets….
He was very intent on his opinion at the end…..
He thinks he’s not after anything here……except ME!
He asked me if I was aware of what a sociopath was….and how they differed from the rest of society.
I said…..’vauguely’…….I wanted to hear his take…..
He said, go about living your life, but with awareness….he said you don’t strike me as a stupid woman who does things without thinking.
Don’t pick up men off internet, bars and just be careful who you trust. (Check).
As a man in the ‘criminal’ world…..on the legal side of it…..he sure had some opinions on ‘these’ guys.
It was a good day On a lot of levels….e.ven though we came up empty…..I can mark this off my list and go on.
He gave me some pointers and suggestions….and said he’d be available for anything I may need….and he has friends too……
He assured me over and over…..KARMA will not let these folks get away….it’s only a matter of time.
I KNOW THIS!
He said, he’s seen it work in weird ways…..
He said, don’t waste my time wishing ill on him…..he’ll draw it near on his own…..
I said….yeah….ya gotta watch that! It may just bit you in the ass if you wish too hard….>WE ARE NOT IN CONTROL.
So…..that’s the short version…….
NEXT!
Eva
😀 hahaha Ox That’s being optimistic indeed!!!!And imaginative!
Nice joke and accessible for non experts in English language.
I’ll keep it with your permission.
Ox Drover
Dear ErinB, Is this guy married? He sounds like he might be a catch!!!!’ I’m sorry you didn’t find something though, but you did the best you could and with that kind of equipment I think if it had been there you’d have found it.
I want to hear more about his opinions. Maybe you’ve found yourself a good guy here!
one/joy_step_at_a_time
yah know ox, i get a real creepy feeling when EB talks about this guy. i don’t think he’s a catch. my spath knew all about predators and talked about ad naseum. i think this guy has a serious agenda – maybe it’s EB, dunno…but bad feeling over here.
one/joy_step_at_a_time
and btw – he is married.
Eva
Oxy,
I think i’m going to adopt, as much as possible, the point of view of the optimistic, imaginative child.
Maybe spaths will eat us at the end but let’s no make it easy for them.
one/joy_step_at_a_time
i had a real interesting experience the last 2 weeks. a sexaul assault was reported on the radio. the announcer got 2 sentences in and described the girl’s age, the where abouts and the vehicle. i said to myself, ‘didn’t happen’. they reported on it for 2 weeks – and this week, they said: ‘ it didn’t happen.’
i got spidey sense. stick to the bear on your deck EB!
skylar
One/Joy,
I agree about EB’s Gold Hunter. Spaths know about spaths. And they talk about them the way a preacher preaches against fornication at his pulpit but then goes off to screw all kinds of creatures, while doing crack in a cheap motel.
YES, we have to watch for those as well.
Just watch for a love bomb, EB.
But also, watch that this guy doesn’t come back in the middle of the night. He could tell you he found nothing and then come back to dig it up later himself.
I’d set a little trap… and not a bear trap. Tell him you’re gone for good and everything is gone. But leave the surveillance cameras. Get the kind you can monitor with an IP address. Give it time.