Here at Lovefraud, we’ve heard thousands of horror stories of marriages to sociopaths. Thinking about these unfortunate involvements, it seems to me that there are three types of romantic relationships with sociopaths. I call them the Marriage Masks, and they are:
1. Calculated exploitation
The sociopath targets an individual for the explicit purpose of exploiting him or her, using the unsuspecting partner for money, sex, a place to live or something else that the sociopath wants.
My ex-husband, James Montgomery, targeted me because I had what he wanted: money, good credit, my own home and business connections in the city where he decided he was going to make a fortune. He sweet talked me, married me and drained me, and then he moved on without a thought.
2. Passing entertainment
The sociopath finds the partner to be a suitable involvement for the present—until the sociopath gets bored, antsy, or some other individual catches his or her eye. At this point, the partner is discarded.
Mary Jo Buttafuoco described her husband, Joey Buttafuoco, in her book, Getting It Through My Thick Skull. To me, it seems that Joey Buttafuoco was one of those sociopaths who was simply looking for a good time, for entertainment. He worked and she was a stay-at-home mom, so he wasn’t using her financially. But eventually he had an affair with a teenager, then visits to hookers, then a new wife. Changing women was like changing the scenery.
3. Image creation
In order to secure a coveted place in society, the sociopath may seem devoted to his or her spouse or family in public, but life at home, behind closed doors, is another matter entirely.
Here’s an example that was recently in the news. Stephen Green, founder of a fundamentalist organization in the United Kingdom called Christian Voice, preaches against homosexuality, abortion, Islam and Jerry Springer. “The enemies of God are having their say,” proclaims the organization’s website. “It’s time to hear the Christian Voice!”
Green portrays himself as the guardian of morality in the U.K. However, Caroline Green, his former wife, paints a totally different picture—domestic violence:
He told me he’d make a piece of wood into a sort of witch’s broom and hit me with it, which he did,’ she recalls, her voice tentative and quiet. ”˜He hit me until I bled. I was terrified. I can still remember the pain.
Stephen listed my misdemeanours: I was disrespectful and disobedient; I wasn’t loving or submissive enough and I was undermining him. He also said I wasn’t giving him his conjugal rights.
Here’s the whole revolting story in the Daily Mail:
Missing: Ability to love
These categories are not hard and fast, and some sociopathic relationships and marriages may show signs of two or all three types. But however the disfunction manifests, the root problem is that sociopaths are not capable of feeling real love.
They are, however, capable of acting like they feel love—at least in the beginning of a relationship. I call it the luring stage—the period of time when sociopaths do everything you’d ever dream that smitten partners would do. They call, they want to be with you, they give gifts, they make you feel cherished. They do this until they hook you.
Then, sociopathic behavior starts to reflect the real agenda—calculated exploitation, passing entertainment or image creation. The change may be subtle or sudden. The relationship may gradually devolve, it may swing back and forth between normal and unconscionable, or it may suddenly evaporate.
But at some point, the Marriage Mask slips, and we come face to face with the truth: We are being used.
Oxy,
It’s interesting you talk about life not being fair. The socio disordered person believes this too. But they have decided that they are going to tip the balance in their favor. That’s why they cheat. Furthermore, the one thing that they leave all of us feeling is a deep sense of loss, of being cheated and of life NOT BEING FAIR.
That’s what they want us to feel. In my opinion, it’s what drives their behavior. The envy they feel is a sense of life not being fair and they want to make it unfair to US. No amount of love or money will ever be enough to give them what they are entitled to have. Making sure no one else has anything is the only thing that gives them satisfaction for the moment.
So, I try to never think that life isn’t fair. I try to think of the story of Job and realize that I don’t know enough to understand if things are working out for the best. I try to think that Karma is what matters and it flows back to us.
It’s not always easy to have that focus, but I try.
I discovered this blog about 18 months ago and your stories have been the only thing that have kept me sane in my final year married to my ex-Spath and the 9 months since our divorce. Thank you to those who post the articles and those who share their experiences through comments.
My ex-Spath overlaps at least 2 of the 3 categories, Money and passing entertainment. He met his first wife on the job, in fact, her family owned the company. Apparently, there was a lot of money circulating there. Sports cars, beach houses, etc. etc. His own extended family now admits to me that they believed he married her for her money. How sad, I wish I had known that 10 years ago, though I don’t know that it would have made a difference. I was so blinded by his charm.
After WE were married, I found documentation that he had applied for credit using her name. This gave me the worst feeling but I still didn’t know what I was dealing with here. I confronted him and guess what he did? Of course, he denied it. I knew I was right because it was his first name, her last name and his former address that she never lived at. Right or not, I put it out of my head.
He spent money like it was water. Everyday, he came home with a new bag from Macy’s, Armani, you name it. He had so much clothing that we had a closet BUILT to suit it all. It was the big joke among my friends.
At this point, we had combined bank accounts, but being that he was draining us monthly, that soon changed. After we separated accounts, he was supposed to provide me with a check twice a month that covered half the household expenses. Did that ever happen? In the beginning, then it became 40%…30%. You get where I’m going here. Still the bags kept coming in. On the much more seldom occasions I purchased something for myself, I had to hear about “overspending”. He came to me on 2 separate occasions and asked for some help with his “bills”, since we were responsible for paying for our own personal expenses. So like an idiot what did I do? Borrowed money from my dad…twice. First for $10k and next for $25k.
I even agreed to refinance the house to get some cash out. I can’t even tell you what a mistake that was. I ended up being responsible for 70% of the household expenses while he made more money then me. Needless to say, I started to fall behind. What did I do, but asked my dad for more assistance. God love him, he would never say no to helping me but he knew this was throwing good money after bad. Over time, he gave me an additional $10k. So $45k, plus $15k from the equity of the house. Oh and there was the $8k I had to borrow from our son’s bank account to make ends meet. I guess I should count myself lucky that it wasn’t higher.
In the end, he tried to say that the money from my dad was a “gift” but thank GOD the mediator didn’t buy it. Our son’s money was returned from the proceeds of the sale of the house (as per the agreement). He was told he was responsible for his debt and I was responsible for the “rest”. Which included household debt and the multiple loans from my dad etc.
Through mediation though, I discover he had over $360k in his 401(k) account!!! While I was begging and borrowing, he was socking away 17% in his 401(k). Nice guy, huh? Since he worked there almost the entire time we were married, I was entitled to half that money. My own 401(k) was pitiful in comparison since I stopped contributing to free up extra money for the bills. The kicker was that the judge awarded me an additional $25k from his 401(k) to compensate for the disparity with the debt division. I ended up with $171k of his retirement fund! I thought he was going to have a stroke over that.
So far, he’s been paying child support on time every month. I think he is afraid I will drag him back to court otherwise. I suspect it won’t always be this smooth.
My guess is that he thought I too was as “rich” as his ex-wife because my father owned his own business and my family owns a number of rental properties. He likes that lavish lifestyle. But I’m a working class girl, though it didn’t seem to stop him from taking what he wanted anyway.
So glad that is over…
Dear Truthspeak aka Buttons,
So glad to see you back, I missed you!
Hope4joy
Truthspeak (aka Buttons),
Glad that you’re back, having thought about you at times – wondered how you were doing. I hope things are going well with you.
Dear Blinded-no-more,
Welcome to LoveFraud and glad that you are here and that reading here has helped you refocus and reframe your life. I think this site that Donna built has helped a LOT of us and I know for sure I am one of those that it has saved the sanity of!
Glad that you at least got something out of the marriage and are getting some child support now, I hope he doesn’t end up taking it out on your child personally though. I suggest that you go to Dr. Leedom’s blog site and get her book (Just like his father) if you haven’t already done so “parenting the at risk child” so that you can be a more supportive parent to your child since your child only has ONE normal parent! I can’t even imagine having to co-parent with such a monster!
Again, welcome here and glad that you have started posting. I will be looking forward to more from you! God bless.
Dear Truthspeek/buttons,
Sure glad to see you back girlfriend! Fill us in some more on how you are doing! Missed you!
Sorted through a stack of bills today, can no longer deny that there WAS a financial impact, albeit not a large one. But for the first time ever, I am actually GRATEFUL to have had my own debt. That gave him much less to try and take, or for me to “give”.
Though I earn a good salary, much of my income is already accounted for by payday, so I was using credit to buy extra groceries, gifts for him, put gas in his truck, etc.
Yes, I did so willingly, and he did acknowledge that at one point he “appreciated me helping him out when he was laid off.” I replied, “We were in a relationship, and I was happy to do it, it’s not like you were a charity case or something.” Ahhh, but it was “or something.”
He was also looking for image. I remember one time he wanted to see my diplomas, and I was so pleased that he asked about that! Maybe he just wanted proof that I wasn’t a con artist, like him? He also asked a lot about my job, which is not easy to explain, and how what I learned at university was used in my career. Again, GRATEFUL not to have an easy explanation. Maybe the “shut down” mechanism worked that way for him, a lot of times he could not follow my conversation, my tendency to throw in uncommon words. The look on his face when I tried to explain “weltenshaung”! (maybe I have forgotten the spelling but not the concept.) But he seemed proud of my accomplishments, I was a catch for him, one time he put down the mothers of his children by snottily remarking there was “not a high school diploma between them.”
He left/I threw him out 16 days ago. His parting blow was that he knew he and his son would never have a home with me because I “have too much stuff and wouldn’t make room for them and can’t move.” Yes, MY HOME, MY STUFF. He was trying to use his child again, knowing I felt maternal. But if it felt right, I would have made room for him, right? That was an early red flag, that he was trying to clear out my books, clothes, craft supplies – yes there’s too much of it. I don’t think I’m a hoarder, but I’m GRATEFUL that he thought so, that and the fact that my mortgage is upside down due to the abysmal housing market. Again, nothing for him to tap into.
I wanted to share my home, my heart, my body with someone in a mutual, loving relationship. In spite of the red flags that constantly waved, I thought I had a bit of that. It’s still what I want, but I will be much more careful about who comes into my life from now on.
Oxy and Dances with Moon-are ya’ll snowed in? My dad is in Neosho Missouri and they have 18 inches of snow and I heard about I-44 being closed throughout Oklahoma.
Dear Valleygirl,
Well, you meanie you, not making room for him and HIS kid, not supporting HIM and HIS kid….(tongue in cheek here)
The MOTHERS OF HIS CHILDREN—how many mothers and how many children are we talking about here? How much did HE contribute— after the sperm donation—to the upkeep of these kids?
Well, I figure if you pay the mortgage or the rent then YOU are entitled to keep YOUR stuff in YOUR HOME. When he pays the rent/mortgage then HE CAN HAVE ROOM FOR HIS AND HIS KID’S STUFF. LOL
Glad you got off so cheaply in the end, no co-parenting with him, hopefully no STDs and your home and your stuff intact. Sounds like a pretty “cheap” lesson from the University of Hard Knocks, and worth every penny! TOWANDA!!!!
Hey 2bcop – We got 12 ” of snow here, with the 45mph winds we have 4 and 5 ft drifts, travel has been difficult, if not impossible. I did dig my way out today as one of my client’s had an emergency appt. to get her nail’s done. I made it back home safely.