Here at Lovefraud, we’ve heard thousands of horror stories of marriages to sociopaths. Thinking about these unfortunate involvements, it seems to me that there are three types of romantic relationships with sociopaths. I call them the Marriage Masks, and they are:
1. Calculated exploitation
The sociopath targets an individual for the explicit purpose of exploiting him or her, using the unsuspecting partner for money, sex, a place to live or something else that the sociopath wants.
My ex-husband, James Montgomery, targeted me because I had what he wanted: money, good credit, my own home and business connections in the city where he decided he was going to make a fortune. He sweet talked me, married me and drained me, and then he moved on without a thought.
2. Passing entertainment
The sociopath finds the partner to be a suitable involvement for the present—until the sociopath gets bored, antsy, or some other individual catches his or her eye. At this point, the partner is discarded.
Mary Jo Buttafuoco described her husband, Joey Buttafuoco, in her book, Getting It Through My Thick Skull. To me, it seems that Joey Buttafuoco was one of those sociopaths who was simply looking for a good time, for entertainment. He worked and she was a stay-at-home mom, so he wasn’t using her financially. But eventually he had an affair with a teenager, then visits to hookers, then a new wife. Changing women was like changing the scenery.
3. Image creation
In order to secure a coveted place in society, the sociopath may seem devoted to his or her spouse or family in public, but life at home, behind closed doors, is another matter entirely.
Here’s an example that was recently in the news. Stephen Green, founder of a fundamentalist organization in the United Kingdom called Christian Voice, preaches against homosexuality, abortion, Islam and Jerry Springer. “The enemies of God are having their say,” proclaims the organization’s website. “It’s time to hear the Christian Voice!”
Green portrays himself as the guardian of morality in the U.K. However, Caroline Green, his former wife, paints a totally different picture—domestic violence:
He told me he’d make a piece of wood into a sort of witch’s broom and hit me with it, which he did,’ she recalls, her voice tentative and quiet. ”˜He hit me until I bled. I was terrified. I can still remember the pain.
Stephen listed my misdemeanours: I was disrespectful and disobedient; I wasn’t loving or submissive enough and I was undermining him. He also said I wasn’t giving him his conjugal rights.
Here’s the whole revolting story in the Daily Mail:
Missing: Ability to love
These categories are not hard and fast, and some sociopathic relationships and marriages may show signs of two or all three types. But however the disfunction manifests, the root problem is that sociopaths are not capable of feeling real love.
They are, however, capable of acting like they feel love—at least in the beginning of a relationship. I call it the luring stage—the period of time when sociopaths do everything you’d ever dream that smitten partners would do. They call, they want to be with you, they give gifts, they make you feel cherished. They do this until they hook you.
Then, sociopathic behavior starts to reflect the real agenda—calculated exploitation, passing entertainment or image creation. The change may be subtle or sudden. The relationship may gradually devolve, it may swing back and forth between normal and unconscionable, or it may suddenly evaporate.
But at some point, the Marriage Mask slips, and we come face to face with the truth: We are being used.
Karma, yeah, it really has a way of biting one in the ass.
I would be surprised if someone on the legal side of the criminal world
didn’t know about sociopaths, and know they are approx 4% of the population,
it’s his business to know, or he could wind up dead.
These guys have seen it all.
peeps is as scarce as hen’s teeth round here at night lately!
Dear Valley Girl,
I can relate to the PERFECTION issues. Never made it to perfection, but I have realized finally, TRULY emotionally, not just intellectually realized, that perfection is NOT required by God so why do I think it is okay for ME to require it of myself? LOL or to let anyone else require it in me.
Funny thing was, I never required perfection in anyone else, so why on earth did I require it of MYself? In a way I think it is a form of arrogance…”I MUST be perfect, and therefore better than everyone else or I am no good.” If I cannot get to perfect, then I am not only not as good as everyone else, I am NOT GOOD enough for anything. I am a total failure.
My depressed friend is one of those people who IS great at anything she tries to do and very smart. She picks up intricate crafts that are very difficult and masters them in a very short time, the spinning and weaving, basket making, knitting, sewing, crocheting, loom beading, etc. and does them WELL but I think she also has some self esteem issues as well with the expectation of perfection. She’s also started wearing a “chip” on her shoulder as well and being cranky and irritable since her husband has turned up the heat on the verbal abuse.
When we don’t feel well physically OR emotionally it tends to make us cranky and irritable. I could tell when my late husband’s sugar was too high because he would be cranky and snappish—because he didn’t feel well physically. So depression or physical illness or pain tends to make us cranky and irritable because we don’t feel well. It also makes us more depressed to not feel well, so it is like a hamster running on a wheel, the faster it goes the faster it GETS NO WHERE. LOL
Making ourselves feel better physically by eating better, exercising, and making our space more comfortable and peaceful is a good part of healing both physically AND emotionally I think.
I’m no longer a “perfectionist” house keeper, but if I find that the clutter or disorganization of my space is starting to look or feel over the top, or If I just don’t care, then I stop and listen to myself and figure out WHY and then work on fixing the situation both in my space and in my self. Many times one will reflect the state of the other.
Shabby You keep vampire hours – where are you anyway, I forget – is there a big time difference between you and us central time zoners? I have to put on my drivin hat on today and go drive miss dizzy and miss tizzy to their hair appt’s and get groceries etc..roads are slick and hazerdous – but like I tell my weiner’s ” I gotta go make us some dollars~!’
I hope you’re getting enough pay that when you bang up your truck on the slick roads your deductible is covered….It’s safe to drive here but I’m not…I THOUGHT my heel appointment doctor’s visit was today but DUH, IT WAS YESTERDAY! So got it rescheduled and am staying home. It is 17 now and was 14 last night–heater has hardly shut off it is so cold! Gosh, I can at least LOOK OUT and see SUNSHINE though but even that looks like COLD SUNSHINE!
Guess I shouldn’t gripe too much though, there are people buried under multiple feet of snow!~ A friend in New England said they had 83 inches of snow this year so far! and 15 inches lately. So not griping I think…well, maybe a little. The “Snow god” is a psychopath!
Well, heck….I don’t really know where to post this, so I’m just gonna stick it here. I voted for John Edwards. I fell for it. (no big surprise there….& so did my exSP!) I felt like such a sucker when the Inquirer broke this story!
Anyhow, I thot the assessment of Edwards’ psychology was right on….The Inquirer used this to catch him & thus force a confession out of him. There were many people who picked up on Edwards’ narcissism long before rumors of his affair even surfaced. They picked up on things I damnit shuda seen in my exSP!
*”I brought in a mental health expert to psychologically profile Edwards and predict his behavior in certain scenarios, a desperate move that I hoped would provide some type of advantage.
The mental health professional does not want to be identified but he specializes in diagnosing and treating personality disorders and how they affect family dynamics. It took weeks for the professional to construct a detailed profile of Edwards. There are no notes or written reports. The following quotes are constructed from memory of the briefing:
“John Edwards believes what he says,” the professional said. “He says whatever he can to make people like him. He turns it on in public. In private he’s abusive and selfish. What kind of man asks his friend to take ownership of a human being HE fathered? That’s unheard of.
“Edwards looks at himself as above the law. He has a compromised conscience — meaning he will cover up his immoral behavior at whatever cost to keep his reputation intact. He believes he is who his reputation says he is, rather than the immoral side, the truth. He separates himself from the immoral side because that person wouldn’t be the next president of the United States. He overcompensated for his insecurities with sex to feed his ego which feeds his narcissism.”
The most important part was the absolute certainty of the mental health professional that Edwards would continue to deny the scandal — almost at all costs.
“He will keep denying the scandal to America because he is denying the reality of it to himself. He sees himself only as the image he has created.” I was told.
The message from the professional that changed everything was that while it would be nearly impossible to make Edwards confess, he would offer a limited version of the truth if that was the only way he could maintain control of the scandal.”
“….A LIMITED VERSION OF THE TRUTH”. Wow. What a look into the N/SP mind!
Oh, here’s the link to the story about how the Inquirer used the advice of a psychologist (& technology) to track down Edwards & catch him “in the act”:
Technology & Psychology: The Never-Before-Revealed Details of Why John Edwards Finally Confessed to His Affair
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/david-perel/john-edwards-affair_b_816599.html
Yes, It’s WHYME, & I haven’t been here much lately. I’ve been trying to focus less on what a sorry POS J was & more on who I am & how I got here & where I’m going now. Deep into therapy. Only seeing my therapist 1x a week (she’s left her office here & is only in Austin now–40 miles away), but she’s fine with me emailing her my thots during the week. A huge help. Whew.
I can write so much better than I can talk! It’s helped us move forward a lot.
Anyhow, so I’ve just changed my name to YesIt’sMe instead of WhyMe because I’m beginning to realize WhyMe. It’s all a hideously painful process.
I was so beaten up in so many ways as a child & wasn’t handed the most meager of tools for using my innate gifts & intelligence or to navigate my way thru life. And my family had money & status in the community & in the state, having settled Texas with the SF Austin colony in 1828. You’d think I was born in a cardboard box. But no. Dysfunction crosses alllllll lines.
So, I’m spending a whole lot of time assessing where I came from, what I came onto the planet with, & what I did with alla that. I pretty much thot I’d done okay….knowing I got here with a lotta good stuff but never learned what to do with it. And J always told me that I was perfect just like I was. That was so incredible. Someone who finally loved me & accepted me for what I was, in spite of all my scars & handicaps….someone who’d made a lotta wrong turns in his life, too, & who also had scars & handicaps.
For 8 yrs I believed that who I am was a Good Thing. An Excellent thing. It affirmed all I believed about myself. And then he left & turned around & burned all of that to the ground, telling me that he was gone because nothing about me was good, that my family & I were “low life scum”, that I was “dangerous, angry, destructive”, self-absorbed, unmotivated, & unloving.
What that did to me at 66yrs old was as if I were standing on the 66th floor, & all the 58 floors beneath it were GONE.
I had just wanted to believe that YES! His love of me was affirmation of who I am as a Good Thing! All my life I’d just wanted someone to affirm that I’m OK. That’s all he had to do. I was ripe for the pickin’.
Now I’m trying to start from the first floor—even the sub-floor—to rebuild all those 66 floors on the truth of who I know I am, in spite of the inferior work of my parents, in spite of the fact that I didn’t rebuild it all sooner, in spite of J’s suddenly pulling all those flimsily-constructed years out from under me. It’s quite an undertaking.
But YES, IT’S ME. And, as “Dances with Hens” said, “I’m not the same, I’ll never be the same again, but I’m going to make that a GOOD THING.”
I’m so thankful that I found my way here, & thankful for all of you who’ve helped me to understand & who’ve encouraged me….& I Would Not be standing here with my tool belt on if it weren’t for all I’ve learned here.
YesIt’sMe: like your new name, and what a lovely affirming post above. 🙂
And i am stealing ‘dances with hens’ from you. snort, chortle, wheeze!
Darling ONE,
I hadn’t even realized you’d added JOY to your name!
Do you think we’re healing, growing, learning & accepting One [painfully] Joyous Step at a Time??
Even Hens is dancing!
Hurray & hallelujah for alla us!