Here at Lovefraud, we’ve heard thousands of horror stories of marriages to sociopaths. Thinking about these unfortunate involvements, it seems to me that there are three types of romantic relationships with sociopaths. I call them the Marriage Masks, and they are:
1. Calculated exploitation
The sociopath targets an individual for the explicit purpose of exploiting him or her, using the unsuspecting partner for money, sex, a place to live or something else that the sociopath wants.
My ex-husband, James Montgomery, targeted me because I had what he wanted: money, good credit, my own home and business connections in the city where he decided he was going to make a fortune. He sweet talked me, married me and drained me, and then he moved on without a thought.
2. Passing entertainment
The sociopath finds the partner to be a suitable involvement for the present—until the sociopath gets bored, antsy, or some other individual catches his or her eye. At this point, the partner is discarded.
Mary Jo Buttafuoco described her husband, Joey Buttafuoco, in her book, Getting It Through My Thick Skull. To me, it seems that Joey Buttafuoco was one of those sociopaths who was simply looking for a good time, for entertainment. He worked and she was a stay-at-home mom, so he wasn’t using her financially. But eventually he had an affair with a teenager, then visits to hookers, then a new wife. Changing women was like changing the scenery.
3. Image creation
In order to secure a coveted place in society, the sociopath may seem devoted to his or her spouse or family in public, but life at home, behind closed doors, is another matter entirely.
Here’s an example that was recently in the news. Stephen Green, founder of a fundamentalist organization in the United Kingdom called Christian Voice, preaches against homosexuality, abortion, Islam and Jerry Springer. “The enemies of God are having their say,” proclaims the organization’s website. “It’s time to hear the Christian Voice!”
Green portrays himself as the guardian of morality in the U.K. However, Caroline Green, his former wife, paints a totally different picture—domestic violence:
He told me he’d make a piece of wood into a sort of witch’s broom and hit me with it, which he did,’ she recalls, her voice tentative and quiet. ”˜He hit me until I bled. I was terrified. I can still remember the pain.
Stephen listed my misdemeanours: I was disrespectful and disobedient; I wasn’t loving or submissive enough and I was undermining him. He also said I wasn’t giving him his conjugal rights.
Here’s the whole revolting story in the Daily Mail:
Missing: Ability to love
These categories are not hard and fast, and some sociopathic relationships and marriages may show signs of two or all three types. But however the disfunction manifests, the root problem is that sociopaths are not capable of feeling real love.
They are, however, capable of acting like they feel love—at least in the beginning of a relationship. I call it the luring stage—the period of time when sociopaths do everything you’d ever dream that smitten partners would do. They call, they want to be with you, they give gifts, they make you feel cherished. They do this until they hook you.
Then, sociopathic behavior starts to reflect the real agenda—calculated exploitation, passing entertainment or image creation. The change may be subtle or sudden. The relationship may gradually devolve, it may swing back and forth between normal and unconscionable, or it may suddenly evaporate.
But at some point, the Marriage Mask slips, and we come face to face with the truth: We are being used.
one/joy_step_at_a_time
yesit’sme, we are learning! i have so much to learn and do – but for now i am stabilizing and that is huge progress.
I felt joy on new year’s eve, for this first time since the spath, and sky called me ‘one joy’. i liked it so much, i took it on.
YesIt'sMe
Funny, OneJoy,
it was NYD that I first realized I had drawn a line in the emotional sands of my psyche, & that I was NOT going to allow the XSP to cross it into MY new year!
He (not in person, as we’ve been totally NC since August, but his specter) does creep across a few times a day, but so far I’m managing to catch him & send him packing back into his netherworld!
Ox Drover
Dear YesIt’s Me,
Congratulations and TOWANDA!!!!! for you!!!!! I’m glad that you are starting to be who you are, not what you thought you should have been…SELF affirmation is the hardest thing for me, and I’m working on it, and some days I think I have gotten it others not, but it is a process of building, not the “End result” that we work toward, the progress toward what we want to be.
Someone here the other day talked about how we need “mission statements’ for ourselves and I’ve actually been working on a MISSION STATEMENT FOR OX DROVER!
Working on it like it was a business or a company or a foundation or a non-profit. With the over all mission statement and concrete measurable goals. I’Ve written those for businesses, hospital units, etc and now I’m going to write one for ME! So Ii can look at the mission statement and the goals and see how I’m doing. Help myself focus and map out where I want to go.
BTW I think “Dances with” got rid of his chickens and now he should be ‘DANCES WITH WIENERS” LOL Choke Snort ROTFLMAO
one/joy_step_at_a_time
yesit’sme: 🙂 🙂
hens
Heylo Dear Yesit’sme – Your post is powerful. Like humpty dumpty we ( you ) pick yer broken self up and put yourself back together, using your own hands and your own glue, shape yourself into you, some peices have to be thrown away but so what, we can live our own truth now…Thanks for quoting me..means alot…
And I also liked John Edward at first, the sorry sack of chit, but I noticed the narcisism early on, he was to focused on his looks and his hair, I thot maybe he was a closet gay…but he is just another power hungry narcspath. And that guy that agreed to say he was the father of his love child was under his spell…i feel sorry for the guy, he was caught up in the fog…I hear John is a drunk nowadays, picking up ho’s in bars..
I like Dances with hens but Ox is right all the chickens are gone– but I think another name change is in order “Dances with Weiner’s” you nailed it OX……..
Ox Drover
Yea, “Dances with wieners,” I can see you “dancing” out through the snow with the wieners in your arms and their little legs “crossed” to keep from peeing on themselves til you put them down in the barn so they can go potty with their short legs! LOL ROTFLMAO
In the morning time when the Jack Russell gets me up, I open the door and he sticks his head out and says “Oh, no thannks, I can hold it, it is wayyyy too cold out there” I put my stockinged toe under his rump and give it a flick and he’s out the door on his front feet! LOL Don’t tell me it is too cold out to go outside to pee! Just don’t take long to do it and then you can come back in. He doesn’t like rain either! LOL Wussssie dog!
I was reading an article today about how they have done research that proves (again, like we didn’t already know it) that POWER CORRUPTS and that “powerful” people begin to believe the RULES DON’T APPLY TO THEM. Remind you of anyone we know—like Billy “Slick Willie” Clinton or John Edwards, and Michael Vick and a lot of others.
Did you hear where Llindsay Lohan stole a $2500 necklace which somehow magically got returned when the press got information that there was a video of her taking it and the store reported it to the cops. I think that gal has more problems than DRUGS, I think her problem is she feels ENTITLED, the drugs are just a SIDELINE. The “law” somehow treats her like she is “entitled” too.
hens
Good Morning ~! OH MY~! it’s cold and snowing again..
Ox Drover
Well, pick them wiener dogs up and carry their tender little arses to the outhouse so they can do their BIDNEZZ without having to get their little tender parts in the snow! LOL
YOU REALLY DID CHANGE IT DIDN’T YOU!!!!
as of last night, We’ve got a 60% chance of 1-3 inches of snow, but they keep changing it. It was only supposed to be high of 29 today and it isn’t even 9 a.m. and it is already 31—gotta go get the eggs before they freeze and bust and take the ducks some water!
silvermoon
Dances with Wieners! That is a great handle!
I’m trying to think of the Jeopardy Question to which that would be the answer…..
Finally I have found the information that I didn’t know for sure. He was a killer. Once successful Maybe more than once- unknown and once attempted but not successful.
It may be that a third wife has surfaced…
And he’s dating again. Hard at work conning women into believing in his stories. One got saavy, one doesn’t want to hear it.
We all know the story.
I am sorry for them. And lucky to be alive per report.
I’m celebrating that so much is so much better. It is a great day.
Somewhere its 70 and that is good enough for me.
Cheers!
hens
Dear Silvermoon It’s five o’clock somewhere – let’s celebrate your great day and my new handle….!