Here at Lovefraud, we’ve heard thousands of horror stories of marriages to sociopaths. Thinking about these unfortunate involvements, it seems to me that there are three types of romantic relationships with sociopaths. I call them the Marriage Masks, and they are:
1. Calculated exploitation
The sociopath targets an individual for the explicit purpose of exploiting him or her, using the unsuspecting partner for money, sex, a place to live or something else that the sociopath wants.
My ex-husband, James Montgomery, targeted me because I had what he wanted: money, good credit, my own home and business connections in the city where he decided he was going to make a fortune. He sweet talked me, married me and drained me, and then he moved on without a thought.
2. Passing entertainment
The sociopath finds the partner to be a suitable involvement for the present—until the sociopath gets bored, antsy, or some other individual catches his or her eye. At this point, the partner is discarded.
Mary Jo Buttafuoco described her husband, Joey Buttafuoco, in her book, Getting It Through My Thick Skull. To me, it seems that Joey Buttafuoco was one of those sociopaths who was simply looking for a good time, for entertainment. He worked and she was a stay-at-home mom, so he wasn’t using her financially. But eventually he had an affair with a teenager, then visits to hookers, then a new wife. Changing women was like changing the scenery.
3. Image creation
In order to secure a coveted place in society, the sociopath may seem devoted to his or her spouse or family in public, but life at home, behind closed doors, is another matter entirely.
Here’s an example that was recently in the news. Stephen Green, founder of a fundamentalist organization in the United Kingdom called Christian Voice, preaches against homosexuality, abortion, Islam and Jerry Springer. “The enemies of God are having their say,” proclaims the organization’s website. “It’s time to hear the Christian Voice!”
Green portrays himself as the guardian of morality in the U.K. However, Caroline Green, his former wife, paints a totally different picture—domestic violence:
He told me he’d make a piece of wood into a sort of witch’s broom and hit me with it, which he did,’ she recalls, her voice tentative and quiet. ”˜He hit me until I bled. I was terrified. I can still remember the pain.
Stephen listed my misdemeanours: I was disrespectful and disobedient; I wasn’t loving or submissive enough and I was undermining him. He also said I wasn’t giving him his conjugal rights.
Here’s the whole revolting story in the Daily Mail:
Missing: Ability to love
These categories are not hard and fast, and some sociopathic relationships and marriages may show signs of two or all three types. But however the disfunction manifests, the root problem is that sociopaths are not capable of feeling real love.
They are, however, capable of acting like they feel love—at least in the beginning of a relationship. I call it the luring stage—the period of time when sociopaths do everything you’d ever dream that smitten partners would do. They call, they want to be with you, they give gifts, they make you feel cherished. They do this until they hook you.
Then, sociopathic behavior starts to reflect the real agenda—calculated exploitation, passing entertainment or image creation. The change may be subtle or sudden. The relationship may gradually devolve, it may swing back and forth between normal and unconscionable, or it may suddenly evaporate.
But at some point, the Marriage Mask slips, and we come face to face with the truth: We are being used.
You’re welcome….if I had had that list when I started dating my POS BF after my husband died, I would have stopped and dumped him after I got to the “is he honest?” question (number 1) because he was as I QUICKLY found out, a serial cheater on his wife of 32 years and had multiple GFs at the same time, even long term ones.
By the time I found out, I just went “Oh, yes, he did those things, but he will be DIFFERENT WITH ME.” WRONG!!!!!!
If he is dishonest WITH me he will be dishonest TO ME.
Ox,
Do you mind if I ask HOW you found out about his serial cheating, etc? Or how long after you started out with ex POSSBF?
Ohhhhhhhhhh I so feel the same……..I had no idea. I’ve found out a lot of lies. And they started RIGHT from the get go too.
LL
Oxy/Everybody.
Ox, I’m really glad you wrote that post above. The questions. Again, I’m going to do some house cleaning and think about those questions. I’m understanding that I still need to deprogram. I’ve only been out of this a little over a month now, although I”ve not seen exPOS, nor been sexual with him for two now.
Would you guys be willing to help with this exercise?
I need more questions, so I can think about and write out my answers. I’d like to put them down on paper and carry it with me and read it every five minutes of the day if I have too.
It helps when someone else is asking them.
I would so appreciate that!
LL
My X BF was divorced about 5-6 months when I started going with him. I had casually known him in our living history gorup for about 10 years previous, not well, but just participated in various events with him. He was friendly others seemed to like him, etc.
In March of 2005 (my husband died in July 2004 in an aircraft accident that I witnessed here at our farm) and my step father had died in January of 2005 of cancer after me taking care of him for 18 months…so at this event where my friend was the group’s promoter for the 5-state regional event (2 weeks long) we ran in to each other and he started hanging out around the group I was camped out with. There were about 500 people at this event. He told me he was divorced after 32 years and next thing I knew I had invited him up to “see me at the farm sometime.” Well, heck 2 weeks later he drove up to visit and the rest was history.
BUT several of his various girlfriends that he had had on going affairs with were also in the larger group of people I knew—-so when it got out in April that I was dating him (we went to a group event together) I started hearing rumors in May and then in June he and my Best girl friend, my son and I went to an event in Colorado together and guess what—he met a woman out there that was part of his harem—and spent quite a bit of the 10 days we were there with her away from the rest of us. I am sure in her tent. I suspected it then but told myself “nah, that couldn’t be so.”
Welll, anyway, he had also started to be snarky to me by then too, so I spent a lot of time crying. In November I found out that he had a skank at his deer camp (his cousin called me and told me) so that was the end of it. From April to December….but then I cried for months. I also found out that he had burned down the hosue of one of his previous GF’s (couldn’t prove it legally but there is no doubt he did it!) while he was dating me! I talked to his wife, and I talked to his various GFs and some of his female friends (but not FWBs) and got the entire story of what a cheat he had been and was.
He has since married a woman and I actually feel sorry for her not jealous. He is a piece of carp and I know he cheats on her, and he verbally and emotionally abuses her, and I do not look back on any of the time with him as anything but my own fantasy of what I wanted and tried to project on to him. He was simply looking for another “respectable” wife to keep his harem in check from wanting him to marry them. Now he has a “respectable” wife, but I am sure she is unhappy. I am NOT unhappy. The GF whose house he burned is also happy.
Survivor lady,
The thing that spath did, which I should have paid attention to, was that he didn’t take responsiblity for what happened in his old relationshits. It was always the other persons fault i.e. “My ex bought a new jacket so I didn’t have enough money to visit my dying father, I missed out on the last days of his life.”
I felt sorry for him having such a bitchy ex wife. Now if you get out the old spathy translator he was really saying “I take no responsibility for being an a**hole to my ex wife and now you feel sorry for me so you’re putty in my hands”.
So do watch out for the pity play, you’re boyfriend sounds okay but I think we are all a little jumpy here and would advise you to err on the side of caution.
For all (if you’re interested),
Spath asked for sole physical custody of son and mediator said no. My attorney brought up that we would like son to get into counseling and spath didn’t like the idea and implied that daughters therapist had some sort of conspiracy going on. He is getting more in a paranoid state or it’s just more of the same crap of smoke and mirrors.
He is laying on the pity play so thick, I think he forgets that he’s talking to me and I know that he is not the victim here. He said his house is so scary and how it’s a piece of crap, pointing to all the things wrong with it. Why did you buy it then you dork?
He is trying to make my life miserable, I’m just so excited he’s leaving (Sunday is his last day here) that it’s not working.
Met with a realtor at the cabin today to sell it. That was too sad because I think of all the hopes and dreams for a gathering place for the kids and someday, grandkids. I have to let it go and move on to better memories.
Dear Hope4joy,
I love it that he is complaining that his house is a POS. LOL Get the tissue out! Then why did he buy it! LOL ROTFLMAO
Therapists are so bad about conspiracies LOL ROTFLMAO yea, right! Conspiring to make him look like what he is! A control freak.
Oh, girlfriend! I am so happy for you! Soooo glad that the arsehole is leaving!!!! PAR—TAY TIME!!!!!!!! Hope4’s P is moving out!!!!! Little Snoopy jig of happiness here! LOL
I do hope you can get son into counseling and that he will respond to it….I don’t think it will hurt a thing and even if it doesn’t help, at least you can say you did your best to do what is right for your son.
I can understand your sentimental attachment to the cabin, I had that same attachment to the farm here, but I got over it and am glad I did because now there isn’t anything really MATERIAL that is very important to me any more. When you have a “dream” thing like that attached to something or some one and it fizzles out, letting go of it is actually a relief when it is done I think. ((((hugs)))) and CONGRATULATIONS!!!!
LOL, Oxy,
“sounding sane” is good enough for me for now!!! But I’ve found that verbalizing my INsanity has been a path to sorting thru myself enough to be able to start seeing sanity just up the road a ways.
🙂
Survivorlady,
How long have you been seeing this man? I didn’t see that time slot in your post.
The love bombing is just something that instantly sends up flags for me and tells me that maybe you’ve not been dating him very long??. You said you’re seeing red flags, WHAT are these in particular? Things he says or things he does? Do they contradict?
I think the reason the love bombing really trips me up is that it takes a LONG time for a GOOD relationship to develop. Why would you “love bomb” anyone when you’ve not known them very long? I think, with your post, that’s the key for me in feeling that something isn’t right.
I would agree that it would be good to go VERY VERY VERY VERY slow, write down what you are feeling are red flags. Are they genuine red flags for you, or reminders of your exSpath.
It’s good to be careful, even overly cautious. A GOOD man is going to be PATIENT if he truly cares like you think he might.
LL
Ox,
You’re a brave lady!!!
Wish I had all the visible signs in my face like you did and the proof in sight of finding all of that out, as well as an inquiry, fearless mind enough to ask. 🙂
LL
Thank you all for your words of wisdom.
Thats why I come here, you all understand.
I am so cautious with all my new boyfriends signs and remarks that i think that I am reading more into things that I should, then again, I cannot afford to get caught up into a spaths world again. My new boyfriend comes from a previous marriage. He actually says nothing really bad about her, only that it should have ended long time ago because he married her because of obbligation and religious reasons. He says that his parents stressed the fact that he had sex with her and now he should marry her. And given the fact that he was also religious thats what he did. He had two kids, whom he is now starting to get fully back into his life, his daughter was not on speaking terms because of what seems to be general divorce issues which are sad for everyone. But he is determined to be back in her life, and he is definatly in his sons life. He paid child support and does not buy too many toys for himself, drives an old car, and is saving up for a new vehicle, which he says he never ever had. Does not have too many fancy things, and not what I would call a ladies man.
The only thing is…..I do not find him overly thrilling, is this because the spath, love bombed and my ex had the ability to entice the devil himself ? Help.