Here at Lovefraud, we’ve heard thousands of horror stories of marriages to sociopaths. Thinking about these unfortunate involvements, it seems to me that there are three types of romantic relationships with sociopaths. I call them the Marriage Masks, and they are:
1. Calculated exploitation
The sociopath targets an individual for the explicit purpose of exploiting him or her, using the unsuspecting partner for money, sex, a place to live or something else that the sociopath wants.
My ex-husband, James Montgomery, targeted me because I had what he wanted: money, good credit, my own home and business connections in the city where he decided he was going to make a fortune. He sweet talked me, married me and drained me, and then he moved on without a thought.
2. Passing entertainment
The sociopath finds the partner to be a suitable involvement for the present—until the sociopath gets bored, antsy, or some other individual catches his or her eye. At this point, the partner is discarded.
Mary Jo Buttafuoco described her husband, Joey Buttafuoco, in her book, Getting It Through My Thick Skull. To me, it seems that Joey Buttafuoco was one of those sociopaths who was simply looking for a good time, for entertainment. He worked and she was a stay-at-home mom, so he wasn’t using her financially. But eventually he had an affair with a teenager, then visits to hookers, then a new wife. Changing women was like changing the scenery.
3. Image creation
In order to secure a coveted place in society, the sociopath may seem devoted to his or her spouse or family in public, but life at home, behind closed doors, is another matter entirely.
Here’s an example that was recently in the news. Stephen Green, founder of a fundamentalist organization in the United Kingdom called Christian Voice, preaches against homosexuality, abortion, Islam and Jerry Springer. “The enemies of God are having their say,” proclaims the organization’s website. “It’s time to hear the Christian Voice!”
Green portrays himself as the guardian of morality in the U.K. However, Caroline Green, his former wife, paints a totally different picture—domestic violence:
He told me he’d make a piece of wood into a sort of witch’s broom and hit me with it, which he did,’ she recalls, her voice tentative and quiet. ”˜He hit me until I bled. I was terrified. I can still remember the pain.
Stephen listed my misdemeanours: I was disrespectful and disobedient; I wasn’t loving or submissive enough and I was undermining him. He also said I wasn’t giving him his conjugal rights.
Here’s the whole revolting story in the Daily Mail:
Missing: Ability to love
These categories are not hard and fast, and some sociopathic relationships and marriages may show signs of two or all three types. But however the disfunction manifests, the root problem is that sociopaths are not capable of feeling real love.
They are, however, capable of acting like they feel love—at least in the beginning of a relationship. I call it the luring stage—the period of time when sociopaths do everything you’d ever dream that smitten partners would do. They call, they want to be with you, they give gifts, they make you feel cherished. They do this until they hook you.
Then, sociopathic behavior starts to reflect the real agenda—calculated exploitation, passing entertainment or image creation. The change may be subtle or sudden. The relationship may gradually devolve, it may swing back and forth between normal and unconscionable, or it may suddenly evaporate.
But at some point, the Marriage Mask slips, and we come face to face with the truth: We are being used.
Ox Drover
Dear Survivorlady,
QUOTE: “The only thing is”..I do not find him overly thrilling, is this because the spath, love bombed and my ex had the ability to entice the devil himself ? Help.”
I think that we get to LIKE that “high risk” and “thrilling’ guy and that we find “normal guys” BORRRRRRING by comparison.
What to do about that? I’m not sure how you can change what “turns you on” any more than Henry can or would even try to get involved romantically with a woman and change what “turns him on” I think it is difficult for us to be ATTRACTED to “boring” guys instead of the “exciting” ones we may have been attracted to in the past. What is “attractive” to one person may not be attractive to another…how do you “decide” what is attractive or what turns you “on?” I’m not sure. How do you “change’ what is attractive? I’m again, not sure (1) if you can and (2) how you would, if you could.
I can’t imagine myself saying “well, I’ve always been attracted to guys, and it’s been a bust so now I’m going to make myself attracted to women.” Or I’ve always been repulsed by short guys and only liked tall guys, so now I’m going to start liking short guys.
I can’t even tell you what it is that makes me “attracted” to a guy—I can tell you what THINGS I like, but not what makes one guy with those things attractive and another one VERY UN-attractive.
Sometimes I will see a guy I think is “good looking” but once I talk to him for a minute or two but there is something very off-putting about him….other times I may see someone who is not really attractive physically but has such a great personality that I’d be “interested” in them if they looked like the “hunch-back of Notre Dame.” What’s the difference? Not sure. My late husband was NOT a “handsome man” in any way, but he was VERY attractive to women because of his personality, women from 6 to 96 “just loved” him. Men also liked him and enjoyed his company. I think that it was because he made people like themselves.
YesIt'sMe
Survivorlady,
The one thing you said that got my attention was this:
“He actually says nothing really bad about her, only that it should have ended long time ago because he married her because of obbligation and religious reasons. He says that his parents stressed the fact that he had sex with her and now he should marry her.”
He didn’t “say anything really bad about her”? He diminished his whole marriage. Now, I might be completely off-base about this because she is an EX-wife, & I’m just judging by what my exSP said about his LATE wife. He said that he believes the only reason he married her was because he sensed that they’d produce high-quality offspring. Yes. He said that. There is a lot of evidence that humans, like animals, do mate with optimal procreation instincts. But he said “the only (or main) reason.” He also said that he stayed with her only because of the kids.
And when he first told me she’d died of cancer & I expressed sympathy, all he said was that “it was really a relief” because now he’d get to live his life like he wanted, but hadn’t been able to because of her.
Just my 2cents’ worth, Lady!!
YesIt'sMe
Sorry, SurvivorLady, I got interrupted & forgot to say, yes, “it should’ve ended long ago” is understandable & a valid thing to say. That happens. But to say that he ONLY married her out of obligation……ouch…..I don’t know, but, now, looking back at previous relationships & especially after J, I’d rather a guy would say he really loved his ex, but such & such happened during their marriage that caused him to fall out of love with her or realized that it just wasn’t working.
What do you think, Oxy?
skylar
Survivorlady,
how long has he been divorced?
How long has he been estranged from his daughter and why? Divorce should not piss off the daughter if the two parents are on amicable terms.
Like Petite, I’m attracted to intelligent men. That’s what makes me wonder how I ended up with a dumb ass like my exspath. He did seem to have incredible mechanical aptitude. I took that as intelligence. In him, it’s more like an animal instinct.
As it turns out, he was wearing someone else’s skin as a mask, someone who actually is intelligent. He copied everything that his friend did, but for 25 years I wasn’t allowed to interact this friend because then I’d see the truth. Now I’m living with his friend. HAHA!
we compare notes all the time! It’s fascinating and creepy to see how there was nothing real about exP, everything about him was borrowed like a skin. That’s the significance of the Hannibal Lector character that peels the skin off a victim’s face and wears it on his own.
They all do this, figuratively speaking.
hens
I dunno – if a guy or gal says well we just fell out of love and it wasnt working anymore, that is well and good but I bet if you had them both there at the same time the stories would be different. I think somebody got bored. Thats why I will never have a long term relationship again – love hurts – maybe I am to insecure – but I invest too much of myself into a relationship for their always be the chance that ‘ somebody grew apart from me – you better damn well make sure I am what you want before you ask for forever – cause the next one that gets bored with me is gonna be in BIG trouble – ya know try it out before you buy it – like a sweater you better make sure its fits just right…guess I want a guarantee and a life time warranty – but it just doesnt work that way so I better get comfy with me…
lesson learned
LOL “Dances with Weiners” LOVE IT!
By the way, my weiner is doing a lot better!
“But it doesn’t work that way so I better get comfy with me”
Right?
I hear that.
LL
ElizabethBennett
Dances with weiners? Is the Hens? I like that name-it’s funny!
lesson learned
2cop, SO perfect for him. Seriously.
Everytime I see it, I just have to laugh. I know what it is to love your weiner 🙂
Thinkin about getting another one from the shelter here.
UGH!
Once you have one weiner, well, one just isn’t enough.
LL
Stargazer
Dances with Weiners?
ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
That just made my whole weekend!
hens
LOL Star I will never be taken seriously again..Happy I made your weekend and yes I did get some Stargazer Lillies..
LL You can never have too many wiener’s. But am I spelling it wrong? is it weiner or wiener?