Here at Lovefraud, we’ve heard thousands of horror stories of marriages to sociopaths. Thinking about these unfortunate involvements, it seems to me that there are three types of romantic relationships with sociopaths. I call them the Marriage Masks, and they are:
1. Calculated exploitation
The sociopath targets an individual for the explicit purpose of exploiting him or her, using the unsuspecting partner for money, sex, a place to live or something else that the sociopath wants.
My ex-husband, James Montgomery, targeted me because I had what he wanted: money, good credit, my own home and business connections in the city where he decided he was going to make a fortune. He sweet talked me, married me and drained me, and then he moved on without a thought.
2. Passing entertainment
The sociopath finds the partner to be a suitable involvement for the present—until the sociopath gets bored, antsy, or some other individual catches his or her eye. At this point, the partner is discarded.
Mary Jo Buttafuoco described her husband, Joey Buttafuoco, in her book, Getting It Through My Thick Skull. To me, it seems that Joey Buttafuoco was one of those sociopaths who was simply looking for a good time, for entertainment. He worked and she was a stay-at-home mom, so he wasn’t using her financially. But eventually he had an affair with a teenager, then visits to hookers, then a new wife. Changing women was like changing the scenery.
3. Image creation
In order to secure a coveted place in society, the sociopath may seem devoted to his or her spouse or family in public, but life at home, behind closed doors, is another matter entirely.
Here’s an example that was recently in the news. Stephen Green, founder of a fundamentalist organization in the United Kingdom called Christian Voice, preaches against homosexuality, abortion, Islam and Jerry Springer. “The enemies of God are having their say,” proclaims the organization’s website. “It’s time to hear the Christian Voice!”
Green portrays himself as the guardian of morality in the U.K. However, Caroline Green, his former wife, paints a totally different picture—domestic violence:
He told me he’d make a piece of wood into a sort of witch’s broom and hit me with it, which he did,’ she recalls, her voice tentative and quiet. ”˜He hit me until I bled. I was terrified. I can still remember the pain.
Stephen listed my misdemeanours: I was disrespectful and disobedient; I wasn’t loving or submissive enough and I was undermining him. He also said I wasn’t giving him his conjugal rights.
Here’s the whole revolting story in the Daily Mail:
Missing: Ability to love
These categories are not hard and fast, and some sociopathic relationships and marriages may show signs of two or all three types. But however the disfunction manifests, the root problem is that sociopaths are not capable of feeling real love.
They are, however, capable of acting like they feel love—at least in the beginning of a relationship. I call it the luring stage—the period of time when sociopaths do everything you’d ever dream that smitten partners would do. They call, they want to be with you, they give gifts, they make you feel cherished. They do this until they hook you.
Then, sociopathic behavior starts to reflect the real agenda—calculated exploitation, passing entertainment or image creation. The change may be subtle or sudden. The relationship may gradually devolve, it may swing back and forth between normal and unconscionable, or it may suddenly evaporate.
But at some point, the Marriage Mask slips, and we come face to face with the truth: We are being used.
nolarn2bcop,
Thanks for your post. It’s all very familiar, though my ex is more of a borderline personality/narcissistic person. Not quite a sociopath. Well, your post helped me.
Overall, this blog has been so helpful in understanding these odd people and learning how to avoid/deal with them. Thank you!
-Renee
WoooooooHoooooooooo!
I have finally made it back to this life-saving site! Formerly “Buttons” and moving forward down my healing path.
The ex-spath fell into each of these categories at various times depending upon what his motives were and situational “demands.” He morphed and varied his crazymaking behaviors according to his own designs. My personal feeling is that someone who is predisposed to spathy will jump from one category to the next and the only trait that remains constant and unwavering is the spath’s desire to use and abuse: either use someone’s money or abuse their trust, etc.
Thanks for your continued work, Donna! Information can provide empowerment!
Brightest blessings!
Welcome back Buttons…..My X can take on different personailties with diffferent victims, he can go from masculine and dominant with one guy too feminine and submissive with the next…chamilion’s – not sure if i spelled that right but they blend into each relationship the best way they can to capture their prey….predator’s is what they are, cold blooded predators.
Be forewarned: sociopaths do any and everything they can to instigate jealousy, fear, suspicion in every relationship he is involved in. The women who are his EXES are still involved. The sociopath gets all the women fighting with each other. This distracts all the individual women from focusing their anger on HIM- instead they project it onto each other. It’s easy for him to manipulate everybody, and he may even pretend that he had nothing to do with planting the anger, and act like it’s not his fault and even feign distress. All the while he is congratulating himself on his ability to control an “organization” of bickering women, including women that he may want to use in the near future. Sociopaths often maintain at least one, possibly many women on “standby”. He may even stoop so low as to convince his present girlfriend into filing a complaint with the police against his ex-wife, ex-girlfriend. You’d think law enforcement wouldn’t be so easily fooled because the complaint usually features mis-information and no information or outright lies (often the complainer believes the lies to be true- and guess why).
Dear STopCalvin, welcome and glad you were able to share your story, and I hope you will look at Dr. Liane Leedom’s web blog (there’s a link here on LF) “Parenting the at risk child”—there are some great supports there for the parents who must “co-parent” with a psychopath and raise their children.
BUTTONS!!!!! I second Henry’s (dances with moon) welcome back !!!! Glad you are doing well. I’m still here marching along the path of healing one day at a time and most of the time doing pretty well (if I do say so myself! LOL)
Erdelyi,
WELL PUT!!!!! Good points!
Redwald,
I agree with all of your comments. Very insightful.
Don’t even get me started on Fred Phelps! Malignant Narcissist Poster Child.
He beat is children almost to death on a regular basis, all 12 of them. They all have some permanent injuries that still plague them. He starved them and made them go out and sell candy bars to support his “church” (read that, support him) but he wouldn’t let them eat any of the candy even when they were starving. The most interesting part is that only 2 have left him and remember the beatings which left welts and bleeding. The rest only remember that they were spanked.
It’s trauma bonding at it’s finest.
Of course, as they grew up he stopped beating them, because they were too big and probably wouldn’t put up with it. That’s when the techniques become more subtle. Soon all the trauma is forgotten and they kids think he was a “great dad”.
That’s what my parents did.
Alice Miller has great insights into this stuff.
stopcalvinthom, so sad for you and your children, he is such a heartless SOB,
no one should have to go through this, I’m glad you shared your story,
we all learn from each other and you are very articulate.
You sound like a wonderful mother and a strong survivor!!!
Your children are very lucky to have you!!
I hope you’re keeping all the paperwork you found in a very safe place!!
StopCalvin,
thanks for sharing and welcome.
Your story is so classic. You did a great job describing the way he blatently disregarded your feelings at every possible opportunity. It was as if he was set on testing your boundaries and he found you had none – until you had kids.
Then it was “goodbye MoFo”. Congrats on the escape.
I just wish that you and I had had the boundaries and self-esteem to say, “No, I don’t like being treated that way” from the very first time, you know, way back when we had all the $$$$ in the bank. Instead, we didn’t feel a thing and now we just have debt.
For sure, the sociopath who targeted me, was calculated from the start. Once he was sure that I met all of his criteria, he pretended to have love and affection–even going so far as a big, romantic proposal in front of my whole family at a wedding reception. But it was all a scam. At the end of nearly two years in which I never had a comfortable day, I overheard him on the phone with this brother when he thought I wasn’t home. He told his brother that he just needed to keep me happy for the next few months until he was out of college and then he would send me off to my sister’s for a weekend and pack up everything while I was gone and leave. I threw him out that night. After that, the truth was very apparent. It was always a niggling feeling that I tried to push down and whenever I would have doubts about his sincerity and commitment, he was always very reassuring. But that feeling I had was the truth and I wished I had listened earlier. It was all a ruse–I worked and provided a nice home and stability while he finished his degree and planned for the next phase in his life. Now, he is doing the same thing to other people and it drives me nuts that there is nothing I can do to stop it from happening to someone else. I pray for justice–that he receives justice. I later found out that I am at least the 4th or 5th woman he has done this to.