Here at Lovefraud, we’ve heard thousands of horror stories of marriages to sociopaths. Thinking about these unfortunate involvements, it seems to me that there are three types of romantic relationships with sociopaths. I call them the Marriage Masks, and they are:
1. Calculated exploitation
The sociopath targets an individual for the explicit purpose of exploiting him or her, using the unsuspecting partner for money, sex, a place to live or something else that the sociopath wants.
My ex-husband, James Montgomery, targeted me because I had what he wanted: money, good credit, my own home and business connections in the city where he decided he was going to make a fortune. He sweet talked me, married me and drained me, and then he moved on without a thought.
2. Passing entertainment
The sociopath finds the partner to be a suitable involvement for the present—until the sociopath gets bored, antsy, or some other individual catches his or her eye. At this point, the partner is discarded.
Mary Jo Buttafuoco described her husband, Joey Buttafuoco, in her book, Getting It Through My Thick Skull. To me, it seems that Joey Buttafuoco was one of those sociopaths who was simply looking for a good time, for entertainment. He worked and she was a stay-at-home mom, so he wasn’t using her financially. But eventually he had an affair with a teenager, then visits to hookers, then a new wife. Changing women was like changing the scenery.
3. Image creation
In order to secure a coveted place in society, the sociopath may seem devoted to his or her spouse or family in public, but life at home, behind closed doors, is another matter entirely.
Here’s an example that was recently in the news. Stephen Green, founder of a fundamentalist organization in the United Kingdom called Christian Voice, preaches against homosexuality, abortion, Islam and Jerry Springer. “The enemies of God are having their say,” proclaims the organization’s website. “It’s time to hear the Christian Voice!”
Green portrays himself as the guardian of morality in the U.K. However, Caroline Green, his former wife, paints a totally different picture—domestic violence:
He told me he’d make a piece of wood into a sort of witch’s broom and hit me with it, which he did,’ she recalls, her voice tentative and quiet. ”˜He hit me until I bled. I was terrified. I can still remember the pain.
Stephen listed my misdemeanours: I was disrespectful and disobedient; I wasn’t loving or submissive enough and I was undermining him. He also said I wasn’t giving him his conjugal rights.
Here’s the whole revolting story in the Daily Mail:
Missing: Ability to love
These categories are not hard and fast, and some sociopathic relationships and marriages may show signs of two or all three types. But however the disfunction manifests, the root problem is that sociopaths are not capable of feeling real love.
They are, however, capable of acting like they feel love—at least in the beginning of a relationship. I call it the luring stage—the period of time when sociopaths do everything you’d ever dream that smitten partners would do. They call, they want to be with you, they give gifts, they make you feel cherished. They do this until they hook you.
Then, sociopathic behavior starts to reflect the real agenda—calculated exploitation, passing entertainment or image creation. The change may be subtle or sudden. The relationship may gradually devolve, it may swing back and forth between normal and unconscionable, or it may suddenly evaporate.
But at some point, the Marriage Mask slips, and we come face to face with the truth: We are being used.
hens
I can only imagine how you felt when you overheard that phone conversation – good for you for kicking his sorry ass out that nite.
Ox Drover
Dear Slthomp,
Welcome, and like Dances with Moon (Henry) I am glad that you had the back bone to toss his sorry arse out that night!
Yep, they DO take advantage of us, and we feel really hurt and betrayed, but the LESSON WE GET is a good one if we will use it so. If we fail to learn from adversity, then we have missed a great opportunity!
Actually, he will get “justice” just by being who he IS. It must be a miserable life to be what they are, to have no link to others, not have the ability to love—pretty pitiful if you ask me. I would rather be scammed by one that BE ONE. Congratulations on your waking up! You are the winner believe that or not.
Genevieve79
Wow Redwald, I just saw your comment! You basically suspect the same as I do – that this is a man with severe religious mania, he’s mentally ill.
Ox Drover
Redwald and Genevieve, I agree he could be anything from bi-polar to some other form of severe mental illness, unfortunately, with the media we aren’t going to have a “complete picture” of what is going on with this family or this man, and while we may be “arm chair quarterbacks” and try to “diagnose” what is going on–psychopath? or mental illness? there’s really no way we can actually hang a valid label on what is going on, only our “view” of it.
Whatever is his problem, though, it is detrimental to the children and the family relationship. Sometimes I think we are way too quick to label someone a psychopath and other times we are so liberal and open minded our darned brains fall out the holes! LOL
I’m not sure where to draw the line except that we can only tolerate what is not toxic to ourselves and things that are toxic or abusive we have to draw the line on.
BloggerT and I have had many a “spirited discussion” on judging others via the media and hanging labels of psychopath etc on people when we really can’t, and I am agreeing with him now, shouldn’t hang a psychopathic label on a pure run of the mill arsehole or most likely mentally ill person.
Doing so in many ways “cheapens” the term “psychopath” which should be reserved for the worst of the worst….not just pasted on every person who is a jerkwad.
Of course Dr. Leedom also has a valid point in that there is a scale of psychopaths, from bad to worse, and not all psychopaths are equal.
In the learning about psychopaths and learning about ourselves and healing ourselves, I think there is as much PHILOSOPHY as there is PSYCHOLOGY.
lesson learned
OX,
This might seem like a stupid question.
But what’s the difference between a jerkwad and a sociopath?
LL
Ox Drover
A jerkwad won’t score 30 or above on the Psychopathic check list-revised and a sociopath will score 30 or above…but they are both toxic, both will use and abuse you, and you dont’ want to be around either one.
NO contact is the order of the day for either of these “animals.”
hens
LMAOROTF
Ox Drover
Thunder sleet here today moving in! Interstate I-40 in OK is closed with 4 ft snow drifts just west of Ft. Smith, AR, and no one is digging wells in Missouri as the whole state except for the bootheel is under blizzard warnings! ….and you are LAUGHING HENRY????? Are you insane????
Throw them weiners out in the snow (except for sweet Harley) and find sum’n to do! LOL
Eden
Lesson Learned,
I just posted something that I was addressing to you, on the O for Umbrella thread. I clicked on preview, but my post disappeared. Because the thread is so long, there are multiple pages, if I am explaining correctly. Can you or somebody else her, tell me how I would “go to next page”. I cannot locate where to proceed with this. I am thinking that my post may still be there, but in preview status. I do so appreciate it!
Many thanks!
Eden
Eden
Dis regard my previous post. My post on O for Umbrella is gone. Poof… I will write again, later however.
Eden