Here at Lovefraud, we’ve heard thousands of horror stories of marriages to sociopaths. Thinking about these unfortunate involvements, it seems to me that there are three types of romantic relationships with sociopaths. I call them the Marriage Masks, and they are:
1. Calculated exploitation
The sociopath targets an individual for the explicit purpose of exploiting him or her, using the unsuspecting partner for money, sex, a place to live or something else that the sociopath wants.
My ex-husband, James Montgomery, targeted me because I had what he wanted: money, good credit, my own home and business connections in the city where he decided he was going to make a fortune. He sweet talked me, married me and drained me, and then he moved on without a thought.
2. Passing entertainment
The sociopath finds the partner to be a suitable involvement for the present—until the sociopath gets bored, antsy, or some other individual catches his or her eye. At this point, the partner is discarded.
Mary Jo Buttafuoco described her husband, Joey Buttafuoco, in her book, Getting It Through My Thick Skull. To me, it seems that Joey Buttafuoco was one of those sociopaths who was simply looking for a good time, for entertainment. He worked and she was a stay-at-home mom, so he wasn’t using her financially. But eventually he had an affair with a teenager, then visits to hookers, then a new wife. Changing women was like changing the scenery.
3. Image creation
In order to secure a coveted place in society, the sociopath may seem devoted to his or her spouse or family in public, but life at home, behind closed doors, is another matter entirely.
Here’s an example that was recently in the news. Stephen Green, founder of a fundamentalist organization in the United Kingdom called Christian Voice, preaches against homosexuality, abortion, Islam and Jerry Springer. “The enemies of God are having their say,” proclaims the organization’s website. “It’s time to hear the Christian Voice!”
Green portrays himself as the guardian of morality in the U.K. However, Caroline Green, his former wife, paints a totally different picture—domestic violence:
He told me he’d make a piece of wood into a sort of witch’s broom and hit me with it, which he did,’ she recalls, her voice tentative and quiet. ”˜He hit me until I bled. I was terrified. I can still remember the pain.
Stephen listed my misdemeanours: I was disrespectful and disobedient; I wasn’t loving or submissive enough and I was undermining him. He also said I wasn’t giving him his conjugal rights.
Here’s the whole revolting story in the Daily Mail:
Missing: Ability to love
These categories are not hard and fast, and some sociopathic relationships and marriages may show signs of two or all three types. But however the disfunction manifests, the root problem is that sociopaths are not capable of feeling real love.
They are, however, capable of acting like they feel love—at least in the beginning of a relationship. I call it the luring stage—the period of time when sociopaths do everything you’d ever dream that smitten partners would do. They call, they want to be with you, they give gifts, they make you feel cherished. They do this until they hook you.
Then, sociopathic behavior starts to reflect the real agenda—calculated exploitation, passing entertainment or image creation. The change may be subtle or sudden. The relationship may gradually devolve, it may swing back and forth between normal and unconscionable, or it may suddenly evaporate.
But at some point, the Marriage Mask slips, and we come face to face with the truth: We are being used.
tobehappy
Eva….
I saw my xhusb’s personality traits in my oldest. She is very quiet and as she got into her teen years…seemed to like risks…climbing trees…and also laughed at misfortunate stories….(like her Dad). But, she was my first…died in my arms at one day old…revived…was in critical care for a week and intensive care for a week….and I was so into her face all of the time..constant attention…overcompensating for what I didn’t get…as a child.
I look at videos…and I gave her so much attention…constantly….told her I love you a zillion times.
She has a genius IQ, a prodigy on the piano…(a mozart, the teacher said)…and she is loving to animals….cries if she sees one in the road dead….(unlike her Dad who tortured animals when he was a kid).
So, I don’t know what it is. All I know, is that if there is a propensity for sociopathy, and the child is placed in an abusive neglectful home, he is guaranteed to repeat the disorder.
Maybe my girls have more genes from my side…but my mother was abusive…so, I don’t know.
All I know is that I overcompensated with my kids…rarely raised my voice…never ever hit them…and I was patient with them…when they were having “meltdowns” etc.
MY middle one has Aspergers and she taught me patience. When she was a toddler..she was diagnosed with oppositional defient disorder..etc. Turns out it was all sensory problems..which I knew was what precipitated her tantrums.
She wasn’t a defiant child. She was in pain!!!! Her brain got overstimulated. Most of my friends and people siad she is just “bad”…or “spoiled”…etc. I knew better. I read the book, “The out of syn child” and knew what was going on and I managed her MUCH different than a “normal” child.
When she called old ladies…”Stupid” , I handled it differently than I would the others. I built up her self esteem constantly.
She cried to me once at 3 yrs old..”Nobody loves me”.
This was part of the Asperger’s…they cannot “read” people .
So, I was really careful to tell her all day long…how much I loved her!!
They say that “love conquers all”. In this case…it worked.
She is the sweetest, compassionate, best child in the world!!!
GoingThroughTheMotions
Just Me 79,
I think that sometimes they know they are different, but don’t think of it as a bad thing…mine was known to say, on multiple occasions, with a proud grin, and clearly fascinated with his own self, “I bet if scientists could open up my brain they would be able to see how it is that I think so differently!”, as well as, in wonderment and awe, “My brain just doesn’t work like other people’s – I wish we could open it up and and see why!”. And it was true. He did have some very “out-of-the-box” thinking, the kind that gets you noticed in the corporate world, except without the follow-through.
Ox Drover
The ARROGANCE is sometimes unbelievable! My P son is so proud of his intellectual superiority, and looks down on the rest of the world as stupid—but for someone so smart, he is sure a DUMB criminal, has seldom gotten away with anything, but he sees all “wins” as WINS and all “losses” as some one else’s fault, so HE NEVER LOSES….duh???? Not sure how he figures the score that way, but he does, he feels like the most successful person in the world, a real world class person…actually he is just another 2-bit criminal who is not very successful, but you could never convince him he is not the CENTER of the UNIVERSE.
Eva
Tobehappy
You’ve been fortunate because probably none of them were meant to be psychopathic, and besides you worked for that luck too.
This subject seems so complex since it seems there are degrees of psychopathy. But it’s peculiar that most of the times are the big psychopaths the ones that provides the big damages.
I’m glad your three children are good, sensitive children. Surely you had more than enough insensitivity with the father.
Eva
Oxy,
this subject is very complex. Full psychopaths are few and are well spot unless one desires to lie to oneself, but there are also kind of pseudopsychopaths. These two groups toguether are not so few, plus there are also people who supports both full ones and pseudopsychopaths.
So could be we are just a few embittered idiots and a bit masochistic that instead of going along with the crowd are wasting our time and energy trying to moralize instead of living la vida loca because they’re going to eat us anyway because they have more support since most of people are not interested in knowing or thinking about unpleasant things.
GoingThroughTheMotions
Tobehappy,
I am struggling with this now – my eldest is a mixed bag – damaged by what has transpired – in so much pain. Good for you, and thank you for a story with a happy ending.
And Oxy, mine was fond of saying “winning isn’t everything, it’s the only thing” – you know that revisionist history they do so well? I think they use it on themselves to convince themselves that they are a-ok. I read your post a long time ago about your son and his thoughts about prison preparing him for the good life he was going to have afterwards. Could be the “irrational optimism”coming into play too – mine was great at that, and also at shutting down anyone who dared to atempt to inject a little realism into the situation, by calling them a “downer”.
Eva
Oxy,
the arrogance is something astonishing, it is clearly pathological, but some people admire it! Confuse arrogance with security and character. So they relate that pathological arrogance with dignity. This fact gives a clue about the values of our society. The psychopaths will eat us alive thanks to the help of the less? psychopathic ones.
True-to-Self
Humor Break:
This was posted on my Facebook page by one of my friends….
WARNING PLEASE READ – I don’t usually re-post these but…if someone comes to your front door and asks you to remove your clothes and dance with your arms in the air, DO NOT do this, it is a s SCAM, they just want to see you naked. Please copy and paste this to your status — I wish I had received this yesterday, I feel stupid now
hens
lol
Eva
Yes, True-to-Self, we’d better keep the sense of humour and remove our clothes and dance under the moonlight….because they’re going to eat us alive anyway anyday 😀