Here at Lovefraud, we’ve heard thousands of horror stories of marriages to sociopaths. Thinking about these unfortunate involvements, it seems to me that there are three types of romantic relationships with sociopaths. I call them the Marriage Masks, and they are:
1. Calculated exploitation
The sociopath targets an individual for the explicit purpose of exploiting him or her, using the unsuspecting partner for money, sex, a place to live or something else that the sociopath wants.
My ex-husband, James Montgomery, targeted me because I had what he wanted: money, good credit, my own home and business connections in the city where he decided he was going to make a fortune. He sweet talked me, married me and drained me, and then he moved on without a thought.
2. Passing entertainment
The sociopath finds the partner to be a suitable involvement for the present—until the sociopath gets bored, antsy, or some other individual catches his or her eye. At this point, the partner is discarded.
Mary Jo Buttafuoco described her husband, Joey Buttafuoco, in her book, Getting It Through My Thick Skull. To me, it seems that Joey Buttafuoco was one of those sociopaths who was simply looking for a good time, for entertainment. He worked and she was a stay-at-home mom, so he wasn’t using her financially. But eventually he had an affair with a teenager, then visits to hookers, then a new wife. Changing women was like changing the scenery.
3. Image creation
In order to secure a coveted place in society, the sociopath may seem devoted to his or her spouse or family in public, but life at home, behind closed doors, is another matter entirely.
Here’s an example that was recently in the news. Stephen Green, founder of a fundamentalist organization in the United Kingdom called Christian Voice, preaches against homosexuality, abortion, Islam and Jerry Springer. “The enemies of God are having their say,” proclaims the organization’s website. “It’s time to hear the Christian Voice!”
Green portrays himself as the guardian of morality in the U.K. However, Caroline Green, his former wife, paints a totally different picture—domestic violence:
He told me he’d make a piece of wood into a sort of witch’s broom and hit me with it, which he did,’ she recalls, her voice tentative and quiet. ”˜He hit me until I bled. I was terrified. I can still remember the pain.
Stephen listed my misdemeanours: I was disrespectful and disobedient; I wasn’t loving or submissive enough and I was undermining him. He also said I wasn’t giving him his conjugal rights.
Here’s the whole revolting story in the Daily Mail:
Missing: Ability to love
These categories are not hard and fast, and some sociopathic relationships and marriages may show signs of two or all three types. But however the disfunction manifests, the root problem is that sociopaths are not capable of feeling real love.
They are, however, capable of acting like they feel love—at least in the beginning of a relationship. I call it the luring stage—the period of time when sociopaths do everything you’d ever dream that smitten partners would do. They call, they want to be with you, they give gifts, they make you feel cherished. They do this until they hook you.
Then, sociopathic behavior starts to reflect the real agenda—calculated exploitation, passing entertainment or image creation. The change may be subtle or sudden. The relationship may gradually devolve, it may swing back and forth between normal and unconscionable, or it may suddenly evaporate.
But at some point, the Marriage Mask slips, and we come face to face with the truth: We are being used.
Stopcalvin,
Welcome. I just want you to know that you are one strong, caring woman. Your children are lucky to have you.
I could identify with your post so much. Did I read right that your mother got angry because you didn’t write Mrs. on a card to her. I have mother issues also. In looking at your story I would say that your mother could have stood a lot firmer. It seems like my story is very similar to yours in that I could take a composite of both of my marriages, add my mother who I now believe is Narcissistic and I did one darn good job raising my daughter.
My first husband had no compassion for his own child. Oh, he liked her when she was little and cute, When she was 18 months old and at her best he was overseas serving in the military. I was living with my parents starting to get panic attacks. When he came back and she started getting autism symptoms it all hit me at once as it seems his personality had changed. He didn’t want to have another baby. He picked fights with me so he could disappear on the weekends and then make up so he could come back in time to go to work. I was raising child, going to school, and running a home with one hand tied behind my back. He was out 6 mights out of the 7. He had the nerve to say to me. “You will never find anyone else because of your autistic child.” Other than not being able to chase after him I was doing pretty darn good on my own.
My mistake was that when I married again I relaxed too much because the draw with the second marriage was someone who at least on the surface was good to her. He wasn’t good to me though. I had already told my story in this thread, but I think my fatal mistake was to relax too much. I felt I needed a rest.
The thing that both marriages had in common was I didn’t really know either husband that well before marrying them. My first husband really hit it off with my father. They were both intellectual book readers,
I am still standing, and my daughter is doing well. I actually enjoy her visits home.
Your children are going to be all right because you got them out of that abusive situation. What you can do for you now is go after the son of a bitch. What is that you all say…TOWANDA!
You go girl.
TTS
Eva, The relative evil of various psychopaths I dont’ think makes much difference actually….if someone will lie and steal “a little” but not rob a bank and “steal a lot” does that mean they are only “half bad?” LOL I’ve come to the conclusion that if someone will do anything dishonest they ARE dishonest.
The ones who are “dupes” who allow themselves to be part of the persecution of the victims, are just as much a part of the problem as the psychopaths themselves. I realized that my son C, while not a psychopath himself, he does have a conscience of sorts, none the less allowed, with his FULL KNOWLEDGE, my egg donor, my P son, my DIL (C’s wife) and the Trojan horse Psychopath to abuse and use me and try to force me out of my home….plus, he is a LIAR, and I can’t trust him. I wanted to believe he was “sorry” and that he had “repented” and Maybe he had, but his remorse didn’t last very long before he was back lying to me again and rationalizing why it was OK for him to lie to me. OK for him to break agreements with me. So, I think he will always find an “excuse” why he can be dishonest to others, but he sure doesn’t like others to be “dishonest to him!” LOL He went NC with my egg donor for lying to him, but he lies to me but there’s a “reason” for that. Doesn’t make him a psychopath, he would never come burn my house HIMSELF, but he probably wouldn’t warn me if someone one of his friends intended to. He is LOYAL after all—to his friends. LOL
Oxy,
this is precisely my worry. Devils are not alone.
This is what i meant. I don’t believe either in “dupes” who know, who are witnesses.
We’re very imperfect and make mistakes. Mistakes we try to correct. But allowing burning other people’s houses, or steal to them or con them, those are not mistakes, this is doing the things yourself but without having guts.
So having conscience doesn’t make any difference many times. They have no blurred and empty eyes, do not mirror you, don’t have that pathological arrogance, are “less” aggressive but are dangerous too because having conscience do not use it either.
I married a Sociopath, but unlike everyone else on this blog, I am a dad. My Ex has successfully stolen the children from my life. My son is a SPath in the making. I think my daughter will escape it because she gets it, thanks to my efforts and our strong relationship. It troubles me that most men are not as likely to get involved in this type of forum. Men are less about socializing with their challenges and issues and they are often unwilling to disclose they are victims. Its too bad. It is what has allowed abusive women to destroy good dads in family court by lying and playing the victim role, without any evidence, just creative storytelling and playing the woe is me role. Be careful out there, there are just as many abusive, SPathic women, they are just better able to remain undiscovered, because they are world class liars and will never admit to one. They also win custody of the kids 80-80%of the time, so they are allowed to continue their abuse of the dad forever and ever.
Hello Pernicious,
With spaths, there is NO green grass on the other side. All the awful normal divorce stuff is magnified when divorcing an spath.
Your exwife was able to use stereotypes to her advantage. Spath Men do that to us women, just different stereotyping; I am branded as the crazy wife who could face that her husband didn’t want to be married to a crazy woman. Woe is me is standard issue spath speak, not more female or male. I did not disclose myself as a victim, I was so ashamed. It was not until I found this site YEARS after I left that I revealed what was done to me. Who would believe me? I tried. Nobody did. I was already labled crazy.
US who are Targets of spaths are in the same boat. The problem is evidence is hard to come by b/c they have the charactertistic of knowing to hide all proof. Spaths spent their whole lives hiding proof from those they are scamming.
Everything you said could have been written from the wifes perspective, ya gotta understand it’s spath trauma, not female/male differences. Please stay, share, and ask b/c you will be helped. It’s what NORMAL women and NORMAL men do, we help.
I agree with Katy’s perspective on the male/female thing perniciousfamilycourts and I do hope you will stay around because we do want and need the perspectives of men here and there are a few guys but not many. Women can and do use the courts and so do men, it is the sneaky way that is a characteristic of spaths .
pernicious – I am a Dad and I believe what you said. Alot of good Dads get screwed by the court’s….stay around and blog , their are some good women here that will see and believe your point of view….check out the thread here about Female Sociopaths
Ok,
I didn’t even finish reading this but I’m posting a link here.
http://uwillreadnews.blogspot.com/2010/06/why-im-forgiving-my-husband-for-falling.html
Will someone go wake this woman up while I go puke my guts out?
well he’s a rock star – and she is a blonde..
DW,
no the article was not about the people in the picture. It was about the author and her cheating husband whom she took back.
She’s delusional. How do I know?
quote:
“Initially, he paid this lip service, but I knew he was still in contact with her. He tried to make me out to be unreasonable for requesting that all contact stop. I really think he thought he could still have it all – me at home with the kids and the family support network, and her as his lover and ‘muse’.
If it wasn’t so tragic, it would have been laughable. Actually I do remember laughing several times, not through humour but hysterical incredulity – especially when he started to talk about it being 2009 and people having ‘all sorts of alternative living arrangements’.”
He appears to be still working the OW, but she got wise to him and didn’t offer to let him move in with her.
In other words, bird in the hand was worth more than the bird in the bush.