By Peggywhoever
All sociopaths wear a mask. The mask of kindness. The mask of generosity. The mask of romance. The mask of attraction. The mask of intimacy. The mask of seduction. And so on.
This is what reels us in. The pretense. The acting. The mask. The mask of perfection. And we, in our infinite loving goodness, reflect that mask back to them. The perfect mirrored reflection of beauty and adoration.
And then one day, that mask cracks. You remember the moment.. The moment when you look in their eyes and you KNOW the truth about them. The moment you recognize the pathological lies, the deception, the manipulation, the con. The game is up.
And from that moment on, your relationship with the sociopath is forever changed. This moment happened for me when”¦after middle of the night phone calls to his house and cell phone”¦I looked into his eyes and I KNEW. I knew he was having an affair, and that he was a liar. A year’s worth of investigation (yes, obsessing) has confirmed that nearly everything he told me was a lie.
From that point forward, the cruelty begins. Name-calling. Shouting. Out-of-control rage. Accusations of what you have”¦and have not done for them. Assaults on your character. Disparaging remarks. Outright slander. Saying horrible things about you to everyone who will listen. The smear campaign begins in full force.
Once the mask slips, you have a full view of who the sociopath actually is. Nothing is hidden from you anymore. They are the most hateful person you have ever encountered.
I equate the mask with a coin”¦beautiful, golden, intricately detailed and engraved on one side, and the cheapest, molten metal, with indistinguishable or hideous features on the other.
I thought my sociopath had a brain tumor. I couldn’t comprehend how someone who had seemingly been so kind, generous, and thoughtful”¦seemingly a “knight in shining armor”, turned into such a dark knight—instantaneously. Heartless. Cold. Unfeeling. Unsympathetic. Lying. Cheating. Berating. Chillingly frightening. Brrr.
After the mask cracks and you see their naked hatred, they become vengeful. It is as if they become your mortal enemy; even though you still love them and may try to salvage the relationship. And then they usually become cowardly. If you try to expose them, they will use every amount of charm and conning in their power to figuratively and verbally disarm you. (They are very good at this; they have a lifetime of practice).
They will attempt to dissemble your character piece-by-piece. They will not allow you to confront them with the truth; it is almost as if they become fearful of you and will try to retaliate against you with every piece of personal information they have garnered about you. Oh yes, and they will project upon you the very things that they are doing (and which you are innocent of). And they will tell unimaginable lies about you”¦that you are vile, manipulative, conning, vindictive, lying, and of course, crazy. Some of these whoppers are so monstrous that they can even ruin relationships you’ve had with family members and close friends. Everything is your fault, and they are the victim.
It is important to realize that just because you have seen their “true” self, they can still be extremely adept at keeping their mask intact for others. I have seen my sociopath go from screaming at me to laughing and smiling while speaking to someone on the phone”¦within 30 seconds. But you will most likely never see that initial charm again”¦unless there is something very specific they want from you.
And generally it is a very short time after you see their true self, no longer a reflection of beauty and adoration, that they will leave you. Or perhaps they already have their victim lined up. Because the sociopath cannot tolerate seeing their imperfections through your eyes. They will begin the romance phase, and once again have adoration from their next target. And the next. Then the one after that.
It is an awakening moment, when the mask slips. You are witnessing humanity at its very worst. (If they can be deemed “human—¦I prefer to think of them as aliens).
No matter how attractive you initially thought they were, a sociopath is actually very, very ugly…beneath the mask.
I have learnt many things since my encounter with the Narcissist, but the one very big thing I learnt is that it is dangerous to take people at face value (masks and all). This prevents us from being sucked into a situation which presents differently to what we first expected. I am extending this comment to friends as well as I get more astute as spotting spongers and takers in all their wily guises. My horoscope last week reminded me that some people like a salesman will smile whilst persuading – a mask no less. I loved Peggy’s analogy of the mask, because when I was 6 weeks into the relationship with the N, I told him I thought he was wearing a mask. Now I look back my intuition was firing on all cylinders.
Hi Beverly. I was just thinking … maybe the anti-social personalities in the world are the folks that carry around the most pain. Maybe that mask they wear is so no one really knows how miserable and in pain they truly are. Maybe too, that’s why they leave in their wake so much pain to others as they pretend to be happy in their next venture down the path of life.
I can’t forget and I keep coming back to what Bill Cosby said when he quoted that man “Hurt people, hurt people”.
I think we are looking at them all wrong due to the pain they cause us. I think that superficial glibness, those smirks, those hollow laughters are all disguises … all another mask they wear.
Peace.
Wini,
Where Narcissists are concerned, I agree. These people have a lot of pain. When possible, we should not rock their fantasy world. If allowing them their delusions of grandeur keeps them content for a while, leave ’em be. They miserable when their bubble is burst. If they weren’t so vicious in their attacks on others, it would be practical to just give them their way most of the time.
I wish I had recognized that the N from my past was an N before I began trying to understand why his ministry had no money in spite of my generous monthly donations. He had been siphoning money out of ministry funds, a fact that I stumbled over when he blew up over my accidentally getting too close to this truth. If I had known how emotionally vulnerable he was, I could have found a way to stop the theft without rocking his psyche. This would have been wise. When he realized I was about to discover he’d been stealing, he became hysterical and went on the attack.
If I could turn back the clock, he’d never find out I was on to him. The theft could have been stopped without him ever realizing he’d been caught. The Ns mind shied away from memories of other crimes he’d been caught at, other times he’d been called on his lies, grandiosity, exploitation and other bad behaviors. The memories were very painful for him. There was no point in rubbing his nose in what he was and is. No point at all. The closer to self awareness he became, the more he hurt, the worse he acted out, the more desperately he closed the doors in his mind that would have revealed his own motives to him. He was trapped in a cycle of fear, pain, crushing depression, rage, acting out, and exposure… …over and over again. His health was and is very poor. His pain and rage were/are killing him, literally.
The Psychopath and the Sociopath were/are different. They experienced very little pain, and arguably did more harm than the N. If they shed tears, those tears were mostly crocodile tears. I watched the excitement the Sociopath experienced during fights and the glee the Psychopath experienced when he caused pain. I remember how they expressed nothing but contempt for the children they abused and the women who divorced them. No regrets, not ever. They did not experience depression, not in the sense of feeling sad. They occasionally felt bored, and thought of boredom as unbearable. They always alleviated their discomfort by stirring up some s-hit. Don’t waste any pity on their kind.
The only mask an S or P ever assumes is that of humanity. When they seem concerned, devout, caring, etc., that’s the mask.
Hi Wini, I don’t think they know pain. They have shut out their feelings, or were born deficient of them.
They feel anger, pride,rage,bitterness,envy,greed, and often some type of satisfaction. They feel entitled, victimized short changed and underappreciated. They feel superior. They feel power. When they “like” or “love” someone, there will be a specific reason, usually some gain or benefit to them extracted from the relationship, if only the “benefit” of having a target to torment con and decieve.
If all of this is to reject some deep inner pain, to bury it under a mask of normalcy that is very sad. I for one have not reached the point where I can feel empathy for my abuser. I am still reeling from the realization that the person I loved, respected and trusted was actively trying to destroy my sanity. At times I still feel like he succeeded. The ones that are verbally or physically abusive let the mask slide early on it seems.
My P is the master of the long deal. He enjoyed doing it by stealth in many ways small and large. That perhaps is the hardest thing I am finding to forgive. He is a sadist. He enjoyed damaging me and using others.
I have recently learned that he has a new “lady freind”. Sorry to moan and whine but just thinking about it makes my skin crawl. Just thinking about what I gave of myself that I can never get back. I think some of my sadness and relapse into pain at the moment is the realization that I am soooo far from ready to be in any kind of a healthy relationship.
I would love to hear about more happy endings, like Donna’s,
who was able to heal, take her experience to help others, and find a lasting genuine new love.
Peace and love,
Elizabeth Conley: I agree to let anti-social do what they want as long as they aren’t crossing over the lines to destroy others.
I wasn’t so lucky with my bosses. They were focused on destroying me no matter how much I ignored them in previous years, previous demotions … they just kept escalating on their rampage and destruction … it was when they crossed the legal line is when I sought legal assistance … because I need to humanly act.
I don’t know if you read my previous posts today … but last night I attended a memorial service for a friend’s father … who was an elder in his congregation.
I found similarities in his eulogy that is what we have been blogging about.
1 Corinthians 13:1-13
1 If I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, but do not have love, I have become a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal.
2 If I have {the gift of} prophecy, and know all mysteries and all knowledge; and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing.
3 And if I give all my possessions to feed {the poor,} and if I surrender my body to be burned, but do not have love, it profits me nothing.
4 Love is patient, love is kind {and} is not jealous; love does not brag {and} is not arrogant,
5 does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong {suffered,}
6 does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth;
7 bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
8 Love never fails; but if {there are gifts of} prophecy, they will be done away; if {there are} tongues, they will cease; if {there is} knowledge, it will be done away.
9 For we know in part and we prophesy in part;
10 but when the perfect comes, the partial will be done away.
11 When I was a child, I used to speak like a child, think like a child, reason like a child; when I became a man, I did away with childish things.
12 For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face; now I know in part, but then I will know fully just as I also have been fully known.
13 But now faith, hope, love, abide these three; but the greatest of these is love.
2 Corinthians 4:1-18
1 Therefore, since we have this ministry, as we received mercy, we do not lose heart,
2 but we have renounced the things hidden because of shame, not walking in craftiness or adulterating the word of God, but by the manifestation of truth commending ourselves to every man’s conscience in the sight of God.
3 And even if our gospel is veiled, it is veiled to those who are perishing,
4 in whose case the god of this world (the devil) has blinded the minds of the unbelieving so that they might not see the light of the gospel of the glory of Christ, who is the image of God.
5 For we do not preach ourselves but Christ Jesus as Lord, and ourselves as your bond-servants for Jesus’ sake.
6 For God, who said, “Light shall shine out of darkness,” is the One who has shone in our hearts to give the Light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Christ.
7 But we have this treasure in earthen vessels, so that the surpassing greatness of the power will be of God and not fromourselves;
8 {we are} afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not despairing;
9 persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed;
10 always carrying about in the body the dying of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our body.
11 For we who live are constantly being delivered over to death for Jesus’ sake, so that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our mortal flesh.
12 So death works in us, but life in you.
13 But having the same spirit of faith, according to what is written, “I BELIEVED, THEREFORE I SPOKE,” we also believe, therefore we also speak,
14 knowing that He who raised the Lord Jesus will raise us also with Jesus and will present us with you.
15 For all things {are} for your sakes, so that the grace which is spreading to more and more people may cause the giving of thanks to abound to the glory of God.
16 Therefore we do not lose heart, but though our outer man is decaying, yet our inner man is being renewed day by day.
17 For momentary, light affliction is producing for us an eternal weight of glory far beyond all comparison,
18 while we look not at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen; for the things which are seen are temporal, but the things which are not seen are eternal.
Peace everyone, peace.
eyeswideshut: I think they’ve forgotten that God resides in all of us, even themselves. They some how lost faith, lost their way, believe in this superficial life that soon will pass …lost and forgot that LOVE is everything. It just is.
Pray for them to find their way back to God.
Peace.
I’m seen my P-bio-father unmasked, and the “face behind the mask” is like you are looking directly into Satan’s eyes. I have never seen such rage and anger. I also saw the look in my P-son’s eyes when he was frustrated at me and right in the middle of a sentence about “but mom, what would Jesus do?” he dropped the mask, and again, I was looking into the evil eyes of satan. The closest thing to a description is the look that “that” famous photo of Charlie Manson stareing straight into the camera had. That very look of evil personafied.
I also saw tht look on my mother’s face,when she knew I had caught her absolutely in a lie that she could not deny her way out of. That look of evil and a hate filled heart overflowing with rage.
The old “if looks could kill” look that bores right through you like a red hot poker that at the same time chills your soul with the knowledge that you have “seen Satan” face to face. That you have seen the cold cruel face of someone who could take your life and not feel a thing except satisfaction at your suffering before you died.
The worst part is that the “look” from behind the slipped mask is from someone that you loved and thought loved you. The ultimate betrayal.
Oxy: I know exactly what that look is that you are describing … I saw that look every single day at work, with my bosses, their cronies, along with co-workers that jumped on their bandwagon to kick anyone down, it didn’t matter who it was (so I didn’t take it personally ” even though it was personally being done to me).
I was constantly praying the Lords Prayer because I found it so fitting for being persecuted … and besides I needed to remember to forgive those that trespass against us ” this was a major example of testing my faith.
Here is Wikipedia’s version of the Lord’s prayer.
“Our Father, which art in Heaven”
Together, the first two words Our Father are a title used elsewhere in the New Testament, as well as in Jewish literature, to refer to God.
The opening pronoun of Matthew’s version of the prayer our is plural, which would be a strong indication that the prayer was intended for communal, rather than private, worship.
“Hallowed be thy Name”
Having opened, the prayer begins in the same manner as the Kaddish, hallowing the name of God, and then going on to express hope that God’s will and kingdom will happen. In Judaism the name of God is of extreme importance, and honouring the name central to piety. Names were seen not simply as labels, but as true reflections of the nature and identity of what they referred to. So, the prayer that God’s name be hallowed was seen as equivalent to hallowing God himself. “Hallowed be” is in the passive voice and so does not indicate who is to do the hallowing. One interpretation is that it is a call for all believers to honour God’s name. Those who see the prayer as primarily eschatological understand the prayer to be an expression of desire for the end times, when God’s name, in the view of those saying the prayer, will be universally honoured.
“Thy kingdom come”
The request for God’s kingdom to come is usually interpreted as a reference to the belief, common at the time, that a Messiah figure would bring about a Kingdom of God. The coming of God’s Kingdom is seen as a divine gift to be prayed for, not a human achievement.[7] Some scholars have argued that this prayer is pre-Christian and was not designed for specifically Christian interpretation. Many evangelicals see it as quite the opposite a command to spread Christianity.
“Thy will be done, in earth as it is in heaven”
The prayer follows with an expression of hope for God’s will to be done. Some see the expression of hope as an addendum to assert a request for earth to be under direct and manifest divine command. Others see it as a call on people to submit to God and his teachings. In the Gospels, these requests have the added clarification in earth, as it is in heaven, an ambiguous phrase in Greek which can either be a simile (i.e., make earth like heaven), or a couple (i.e., both in heaven and earth), though simile is the most significant common interpretation.
“Give us this day our daily bread”
The more personal requests break from the similarity to the Kaddish. The first concerns daily bread. The meaning of the word normally translated as daily, á¼Ï€Î¹Î¿Ïσιος epiousios, is obscure. The word is almost a hapax legomenon, occurring only in Luke and Matthew’s versions of the Lord’s Prayer. (It was once mistakenly thought to be found also in an Egyptian accounting book.)[8]. Daily bread appears to be a reference to the way God provided manna to the Israelites each day while they were in the wilderness, as in Exodus 16:15”“21. Since they could not keep any manna overnight, they had to depend on God to provide anew each morning. Etymologically epiousios seems to be related to the Greek words epi, meaning on,over,at,against and ousia, meaning substance. It is translated as supersubstantialem in the Vulgate (Matthew 6:11) and accordingly as supersubstantial in the Douay-Rheims Bible (Matthew 6:11). Early writers connected this to Eucharistic transubstantiation. Some modern Protestant scholars tend to reject this connection on the presumption that Eucharistic practise and the doctrine of transubstantiation both developed later than Matthew was written. Epiousios can also be understood as existence, i.e., bread that was fundamental to survival. In the era, bread was the most important food for survival. However, scholars of linguistics consider this rendering unlikely since it would violate standard rules of word formation. Koine Greek had several far more common terms for the same idea. Some interpret epiousios as meaning for tomorrow, as in the wording used by the Gospel of the Nazoraeans for the prayer.[9] The common translation as “daily” is conveniently close in meaning to the other two possibilities as well. Those Christians who read the Lord’s Prayer as eschatological view epiousios as referring to the second coming reading for tomorrow (and bread) in a metaphorical sense. Most scholars disagree, particularly since Jesus is portrayed throughout Luke and Matthew as caring for everyday needs for his followers, particularly in the bread-related miracles that are recounted.
“And forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive them that trespass against us”
After the request for bread, Matthew and Luke diverge slightly. Matthew continues with a request for debts to be forgiven in the same manner as people forgive those who have debts against them. Luke, on the other hand, makes a similar request about sins being forgiven in the manner of debts being forgiven between people. The word “debts” (ὀφειλήματα) does not necessarily mean financial obligations as shown by the use of the verbal form of the same word (ὀφείλετε) in passages such as Romans 13:8. In Aramaic the word for debt is also used to mean sin. This difference between Luke’s and Matthew’s wording could be explained by the original form of the prayer having been in Aramaic. The generally accepted interpretation is thus that the request is for forgiveness of sin, not of supposed loans granted by God. But some groups read it as a condemnation of all forms of lending. Asking for forgiveness from God was a staple of Jewish prayers. It was also considered proper for individuals to be forgiving of others, so the sentiment expressed in the prayer would have been a common one of the time.
“And lead us not into temptation”
Interpretations of the penultimate petition of the prayer not to be led by God into peirasmos vary considerably. The range of meanings of the Greek word “πειÏασμός” (peirasmos) is illustrated in The New Testament Greek Lexicon. In different contexts it can mean temptation, testing, trial, experiment. Traditionally it has been translated “temptation” and, in spite of the statement in James 1:12-15 that God tests/tempts nobody, some see the petition in the Lord’s Prayer as implying that God leads people to sin. There are generally two arguments for interpreting the word as meaning here a “test of character”. First, it may be an eschatological appeal against unfavourable Last Judgment, though nowhere in literature of the time, not even in the New Testament, is the term peirasmos connected to such an event. The other argument is that it acts as a plea against hard tests described elsewhere in scripture, such as those of Job.[10] It can also be read as: “LORD, do not let us be led (by ourselves, by others, by Satan) into temptations”. Since it follows shortly after a plea for daily bread (i.e. material sustenance), it can be seen as referring to not being caught up in the material pleasures given.
“But deliver us from evil”
Translations and scholars are divided over whether the evil mentioned in the final petition refers to evil in general or the devil in particular. The original Greek, as well as the Latin version, could be either of neuter (evil in general) or masculine (the evil one) gender. In earlier parts of the Sermon on the Mount, in which Matthew’s version of the prayer appears, the term is used to refer to general evil. Later parts of Matthew refer to the devil when discussing similar issues. However, the devil is never referred to as the evil one in any Aramaic sources. While John Calvin accepted the vagueness of the term’s meaning, he considered that there is little real difference between the two interpretations, and that therefore the question is of no real consequence.
“For thine is the kingdom, and the power, and the glory, for ever and ever. Amen ”
The doxology of the prayer is not contained in Luke’s version, nor is it present in the earliest manuscripts of Matthew. The first known use of the doxology, in a less lengthy form (“for yours is the power and the glory forever”),[11] as a conclusion for the Lord’s Prayer (in a version slightly different from that of Matthew) is in the Didache, 8:2. There are at least ten different versions of the doxology in early manuscripts of Matthew before it seems to have standardised. Jewish prayers at the time had doxological endings. The doxology may have been originally appended to the Lord’s Prayer for use during congregational worship. If so, it could be based on 1 Chronicles 29:11. Most scholars do not consider it part of the original text of Matthew, and modern translations do not include it, mentioning it only in footnotes. Latin Rite Roman Catholics do not use it when reciting the Lord’s Prayer, but it has been included as an independent item, not as part of the Lord’s Prayer, in the 1970 revision of the Mass. It is attached to the Lord’s Prayer in Eastern Christianity (including Byzantine Rite Eastern Catholic Churches) and Protestantism. A minority, generally fundamentalists, posit that the doxology was so important that early manuscripts of Matthew neglected it due to its obviousness,[12] though several other quite obvious things are mentioned in the Gospels.
I chose to use this version … so as not to offend anyone … for it is not which religion you believe in or came from … or haven’t a clue as to why you know what you know about love and all God’s virtues.
Peace.
Dear Donna,
I can barely catch my breath to write this. I have been able to relate to a lot of what many have written on this site and have share comments in the past. Then I get on a role, feel strong, dismiss all I have learned and revert backt to…it was not him…If I only would have, could have, should have. If you say something poorly about someone you have 3 fingers pointing back at you…So, if I even think my ex is a sociopath WHAT DOES THAT MAKE ME?
Then I check back on the site because I find struggling with something new, and I start to relate again….EVERYTHING YOU SAID>>>EVERYTHING I could relate to.
Here is my DELEMIA…If all you just explained is something I experienced HOW on GOD’s earth could I after finding out today that HE has a new “VICTIM” as my friend says…..How could I not stop crying. How if I escaped from a house with bars/chickenwire/ boards and 4 dead bolt locks would I be able to tell myself that I miss him. WHY would I be JELOUS that he has found someone new. There was another post about escaping the sociopath but some people comit sucide as a result of what they indured. I feel like I have to be crazy if I for one minute feel sad that he has moved on, sad that it did not work for us. What is my freaking problem….how or will I ever, ever be normal again?????? Molly
Hi Molly,
I remember your posts from the past. Like the time you wanted to get on the plane to go back. ..for more abuse. Molly, he didn’t want you to work out of the house. You were trapped and isolated like a caged animal. My ex did the same thing to me and the same to the woman before me. He is probably doing that to his current woman…the one he left me for. I also thought, maybe he loves her truly and perhaps I was just not right for him. Nope! It’s about control, manipulation and ownership…no love involved. He has found another object to own and do with as he pleases. Molly, you know what gets my head screwed back on straight?? When I remember how I felt when my ex grabbed me by the throat and spit in my face and called me a whore because I “talked back” in defending myself against a false accusation.
Just think of the worse thing he ever did to you, then think to yourself, do I want to feel like that again??? That should wake you up!