By Peggywhoever
All sociopaths wear a mask. The mask of kindness. The mask of generosity. The mask of romance. The mask of attraction. The mask of intimacy. The mask of seduction. And so on.
This is what reels us in. The pretense. The acting. The mask. The mask of perfection. And we, in our infinite loving goodness, reflect that mask back to them. The perfect mirrored reflection of beauty and adoration.
And then one day, that mask cracks. You remember the moment.. The moment when you look in their eyes and you KNOW the truth about them. The moment you recognize the pathological lies, the deception, the manipulation, the con. The game is up.
And from that moment on, your relationship with the sociopath is forever changed. This moment happened for me when”¦after middle of the night phone calls to his house and cell phone”¦I looked into his eyes and I KNEW. I knew he was having an affair, and that he was a liar. A year’s worth of investigation (yes, obsessing) has confirmed that nearly everything he told me was a lie.
From that point forward, the cruelty begins. Name-calling. Shouting. Out-of-control rage. Accusations of what you have”¦and have not done for them. Assaults on your character. Disparaging remarks. Outright slander. Saying horrible things about you to everyone who will listen. The smear campaign begins in full force.
Once the mask slips, you have a full view of who the sociopath actually is. Nothing is hidden from you anymore. They are the most hateful person you have ever encountered.
I equate the mask with a coin”¦beautiful, golden, intricately detailed and engraved on one side, and the cheapest, molten metal, with indistinguishable or hideous features on the other.
I thought my sociopath had a brain tumor. I couldn’t comprehend how someone who had seemingly been so kind, generous, and thoughtful”¦seemingly a “knight in shining armor”, turned into such a dark knight—instantaneously. Heartless. Cold. Unfeeling. Unsympathetic. Lying. Cheating. Berating. Chillingly frightening. Brrr.
After the mask cracks and you see their naked hatred, they become vengeful. It is as if they become your mortal enemy; even though you still love them and may try to salvage the relationship. And then they usually become cowardly. If you try to expose them, they will use every amount of charm and conning in their power to figuratively and verbally disarm you. (They are very good at this; they have a lifetime of practice).
They will attempt to dissemble your character piece-by-piece. They will not allow you to confront them with the truth; it is almost as if they become fearful of you and will try to retaliate against you with every piece of personal information they have garnered about you. Oh yes, and they will project upon you the very things that they are doing (and which you are innocent of). And they will tell unimaginable lies about you”¦that you are vile, manipulative, conning, vindictive, lying, and of course, crazy. Some of these whoppers are so monstrous that they can even ruin relationships you’ve had with family members and close friends. Everything is your fault, and they are the victim.
It is important to realize that just because you have seen their “true” self, they can still be extremely adept at keeping their mask intact for others. I have seen my sociopath go from screaming at me to laughing and smiling while speaking to someone on the phone”¦within 30 seconds. But you will most likely never see that initial charm again”¦unless there is something very specific they want from you.
And generally it is a very short time after you see their true self, no longer a reflection of beauty and adoration, that they will leave you. Or perhaps they already have their victim lined up. Because the sociopath cannot tolerate seeing their imperfections through your eyes. They will begin the romance phase, and once again have adoration from their next target. And the next. Then the one after that.
It is an awakening moment, when the mask slips. You are witnessing humanity at its very worst. (If they can be deemed “human—¦I prefer to think of them as aliens).
No matter how attractive you initially thought they were, a sociopath is actually very, very ugly…beneath the mask.
Dear Stillsorting it out,
AMEN!!! Yes, RE-BOOT! Down to the HARDDRIVE—we have to reprogram ourselves with new software so that our old internal drives don’t screw up the system and crash us again! GREAT ANALOGY!!!! Boy it is easy to run with that one!
Because holidays are supposed to be so “happy” and we see all the media hype about “happy families” and everyone getting the gift they want and all the warmth and love and hugging and we are sitting there feeling dumped on and alone, it really gets us down. IT IS ALL A MYTH unless we make it happy for ourselves.
“The richest person is not the one with the most, it is the person who wants little.”
We are told that if we buy someone an X that they will be all happy and love us, or if they buy us a Y that we will feel all happy and love them. BULL HOCKEY!
Holidays shouldn’t be about gifts and media hype, but about love—not expectations.
I’ve been turned off of Christmas for years and years because my mother made it a trauma drama every year because Ididn’t want to have it at her house with her brother, Uncle MONSTER, so she cried and carried on about how I was “ruining HER CHRISTMAS.” She never seemed to “get it” that MY CHRISTMAS WAS RUINED BY HER CATERWALLING AND TRYING TO FORCE ME TO DO WHAT SHE WANTED even if it ruined my holiday to be around Uncle Monster. I look back and laugh now that I couldn’t see at the time (not truly SEE) but did FEEL the unfairness and the lack of care for me that she has always had. She just didn’t give a rat’s behind what she did to my Christmas holiday as long as she had CONTROL and we could “all pretend we were a nice normal family that loved each other” even if she had to emotionally beat me in order to get her fantasy holiday. I always went somewhere else for the holiday, but always ended up feeling bad and crying and “feeling guilty” but I didn’t GIVE IN to her at least.
I’ve dreaded the holidays for years mostly because of the nasty memories they brought back…but this year, I am going to CELEBRATE and enjoy them, becaue I will not let her take my JOY with the past memories of her emotional punishment. I can now remember those times, but not with the same gut wrentching pain, just memories, but not pain.
So I have already started getting out the decorations and I am going to “tart” up my house like a French w—-house with lights and decorations all over the place. We’re gonna have a real l “redneck” Christmas decor with the best of them! LOL
My son that was lost to me is home, and I am so happy that our relationship has been restored, and his and his brother D
‘s relationship is close again and the three of us are, as my grandfather would have said, AS HAPPY AS THREE DEAD PIGS IN THE SUNSHINE!!!
We can make our OWN TRADITIONS and do what we want to, we don’t have to “buy” into what everyone else thinks is “appropriate” for the holidays. For years I would go visit friends across the country, or go with my living history group to a week long camp out at Thanksgiving which has become our tradition for 10 of the last 12 years—but I didn’t have to deal with Uncle Monster and mom could have her holiday meal with him, but I didn’t have to.
Because of my limited income since my retirement there won’t be a lot of gifts under the tree for us this year, but we have everything that we need in this life and most of what we want, so what’s there to buy? I will make cookies and candy for the guys and pick up something cute and personal, but the total cost for Xmas presents this year will probably be less than $100 for all of us, but that’s OK, it isn’t the present opening that is the point of the holidays but to BE OF GOOD CHEER! To celebrate our love for each other and to be grateful for what we have. AND FOR WHAT WE DON’T HAVE, THE P’s in our lives any more.
This IS a great blog and you guys are a bunch of wonderful people. Thank you!
I haven’t posted in a while. I have rested from the need to keep reminding myself of it all. I felt it was time to concentrate on clearing it out of my mind and replacing it with good stuff, and it has helped.
I was attracted to this blog because it took me a long time, and a lot of reading, learning and understanding to identify that I had in fact been involved with someone like this. I had, like so many, come away feeling worthless and empty, and that he was somehow godlike, despite discovering layer upon layer of deceit and lies, and then experiencing his cold ruthless mental games. It was subtle and invasive.
I had a short sharp reminder of the mask syndrome today. This man who for so long occupied squatters rights in my head despite every attempt of mine to evict, is now fading into the distance and losing that awful power over you they seem to wield long after you leave. So he got in touch. His usual method, text. His usual style, casual enquiry like I am a long lost friend. His usual game – work in the sexual angle.
I was ready for it, waiting for it, and curious to see how long it took. He is predatorial and damned clever with it. Fortunately, I was unscathed by it. I realised that’s his game, it’s his only game, and he can’t play by any other rules. He simply HAS to turn every communication into a sexual one. That’s his power over women. It starts off as mask no 1 – Mr Nice guy who was thinking about you and wondering how you were – moves swiftly to Mr lonely guy – he often misses the fun and laughter shared – then into Mr Charmer – was looking at pictures of you and how good you always looked to Mr Single – still hasn’t found anyone to Mr Seductive – misses your sensual body.
Each comment is a short little one, designed to elicit a response. This man is highly intelligent, so no doubt he knows he is offending. I suspect that’s part of his game, if he can’t have you the way he wanted you, then he will amuse himself by making you rise to his bait.
The question was asked, why do we continue to care/obsess and even love them despite all the things they do that virtually destroy our mental health? Took me a long time to work this one out.
It’s their complete lack of interest or desire, empathy or compassion, in how they inflicted so much pain upon you. Someone you believed in, believed cared so much about you, you suddenly are brutally exposed to the truth that they don’t have the capacity or interest in what they have done, how they did it, and what it put you through. It draws you like a magnet, desperate to see that somewhere, surely, deep inside, they did care about you? A little? That there is some residue of a decent person inside who is sad they hurt you so much?
Try being in contact with them long after they have that power, and see how little they remember of what they have done, and how little respect for you they have in not have a grain of respect enough to leave you be.
I know that if I turned around and fell for the words, seemed like I could be reeled in, he would go for it. He has no desire to deal with what is past, just the sheer power of knowing he could work you again is all that matters. If he was even half human, he would come nowhere near me as I left him high and dry, without a word, which caused him no end of embarassment. His internal rage must be overwhelming.
At the same time as he will be texting me, you can count on the fact he will be texting a dozen others. The same style, the same way, the same objective.
I feel nothing but sorrow for the man. He is obsessed with his own ego, oblivious to how he is percieved, and has no concept of what it is like to feel anything but rage and anger. How very sad for him. How very glad I am that I got away and am over the whole caboodle.
Recovery is possible, you can heal, you won’t always understand or find all the answers, but there is light at the end of the tunnel. Take it from someone who has found her way to the light.
With greatest care to all of those who have been at the hands of one or more of these people.
LJ
This is such a great place. Every time I read here I feel uplifted, even though there is a lot of pain processing.
What I love about this site is that Lovefraud people are REAL. Isn’t it refreshing to find something as simple as that? People here are honest, sincere, caring, and genuine. People at Lovefraud Land sincerely try to help and advise one another through most difficult times. Cyber friends.
People who are REAL are quite a treasure, and I appreciate this quality more than ever before. (Yes, stillsortingitout, like Norman Rockwell).
I hope that in this holiday season, and always, we reclaim our JOY. I hope we can share all the love and goodness within our hearts with our family, friends and loved ones (including ourselves).
i figured something out today. (every little bit helps)
i always used to feel that my ex-s/p/n was literally under my skin, but i never understood what that was about.
well, sitting in class tonite it came to me. he was under my skin because that is where PARASITES LIVE!!!
that feeling now is thankfully gone. when he showed up at my door the other night with his brother, i felt next to nothing.
towanda!!
lostingrief;
I LOVE your analogy; how funny and how true!
Ellejay,
Thank you for taking the time to write about your experience! I’m new to the healing-from-a-psychopath trauma and could identify with your thoughts. My problem is that there is one place we both go to–and I’ve encountered him there several times. He seems to have no boundaries–verbally or physically. He acts in a manner that is disrespectful to me and his new girlfriend. I absolutely refuse to stop going to this fitness center. Any advice on what to do when I see him?
Morgan
Oh…and you’ve heard: Time heals all wounds. I’d like to add: Time wounds all heels.
I read this and it mirrors the man I knew, or thought I knew. He lived a double life. Then, a few weeks after I married him, after “honey, you have to trust me, I love you.” I found out my life for five years was a lie. I found out things I never thought one human could do to another, especially one they loved. I found out he was the devil in a man’s disguise, and the devil was the stepfather to my kids. By this time he had already run up my credit cards, threatened my kids with being beaten if they told me anything that went on when I was at work. I worked 12 hour nightshifts, perfect for him. He even had the law in his hands. He knew how far he could go. When he did get caught breaking the law, he sided with them. He learned how to work them, being a snitch for the feds. His charges would mysteriously disappear. And how did I find this out? He let his guard down and I had evidence in my hands. He attacked me then I had him arrested. When the Department of Children and Families got involved, the caseworker told me about his fake names, fake family and then the police accidentally spilled it he had 3 social security numbers. So, the background checks I had done showed nothing. I contacted the FDLE and got a report from my state. I had his criminal history here. The state attorneys office told me to get a concealed carry and arm myself. He had much longer records in other states. But I could never retreive the info. I immediately filed a restraining order to maybe keep him away and so he wouldn’t stalk me. He told me “it would never be the end. Somewhere, someday, til death do us part,” then an evil laugh. He is still in the area, he went straight to his next victim. The foreign wife of a friend who’s husband had just died a three days earlier. He is still using his same game. He is also a pedophile. Everything he said he stood against, he IS. I still look over my shoulder every once in a while, keeping my guard up, hoping he has forgotten about me. But I am ready if he does.
Dear justanothervictim,
Welcome to love fraud and I hope you stay around, there are several of us here who have violent psychopaths in our lives, to one extent or another. My P-son tried to have me killed, and though he is in prison, I do not doubt that he will make another attack directly or indirectly.
My two other adult sons, who both live with me, fortunately, and I also “go armed” on a continual basis. We no longer live in TERROR, but we do live cautiously.
My thoughts, hopes and prayers go out to you and your children.