By Peggywhoever
All sociopaths wear a mask. The mask of kindness. The mask of generosity. The mask of romance. The mask of attraction. The mask of intimacy. The mask of seduction. And so on.
This is what reels us in. The pretense. The acting. The mask. The mask of perfection. And we, in our infinite loving goodness, reflect that mask back to them. The perfect mirrored reflection of beauty and adoration.
And then one day, that mask cracks. You remember the moment.. The moment when you look in their eyes and you KNOW the truth about them. The moment you recognize the pathological lies, the deception, the manipulation, the con. The game is up.
And from that moment on, your relationship with the sociopath is forever changed. This moment happened for me when”¦after middle of the night phone calls to his house and cell phone”¦I looked into his eyes and I KNEW. I knew he was having an affair, and that he was a liar. A year’s worth of investigation (yes, obsessing) has confirmed that nearly everything he told me was a lie.
From that point forward, the cruelty begins. Name-calling. Shouting. Out-of-control rage. Accusations of what you have”¦and have not done for them. Assaults on your character. Disparaging remarks. Outright slander. Saying horrible things about you to everyone who will listen. The smear campaign begins in full force.
Once the mask slips, you have a full view of who the sociopath actually is. Nothing is hidden from you anymore. They are the most hateful person you have ever encountered.
I equate the mask with a coin”¦beautiful, golden, intricately detailed and engraved on one side, and the cheapest, molten metal, with indistinguishable or hideous features on the other.
I thought my sociopath had a brain tumor. I couldn’t comprehend how someone who had seemingly been so kind, generous, and thoughtful”¦seemingly a “knight in shining armor”, turned into such a dark knight—instantaneously. Heartless. Cold. Unfeeling. Unsympathetic. Lying. Cheating. Berating. Chillingly frightening. Brrr.
After the mask cracks and you see their naked hatred, they become vengeful. It is as if they become your mortal enemy; even though you still love them and may try to salvage the relationship. And then they usually become cowardly. If you try to expose them, they will use every amount of charm and conning in their power to figuratively and verbally disarm you. (They are very good at this; they have a lifetime of practice).
They will attempt to dissemble your character piece-by-piece. They will not allow you to confront them with the truth; it is almost as if they become fearful of you and will try to retaliate against you with every piece of personal information they have garnered about you. Oh yes, and they will project upon you the very things that they are doing (and which you are innocent of). And they will tell unimaginable lies about you”¦that you are vile, manipulative, conning, vindictive, lying, and of course, crazy. Some of these whoppers are so monstrous that they can even ruin relationships you’ve had with family members and close friends. Everything is your fault, and they are the victim.
It is important to realize that just because you have seen their “true” self, they can still be extremely adept at keeping their mask intact for others. I have seen my sociopath go from screaming at me to laughing and smiling while speaking to someone on the phone”¦within 30 seconds. But you will most likely never see that initial charm again”¦unless there is something very specific they want from you.
And generally it is a very short time after you see their true self, no longer a reflection of beauty and adoration, that they will leave you. Or perhaps they already have their victim lined up. Because the sociopath cannot tolerate seeing their imperfections through your eyes. They will begin the romance phase, and once again have adoration from their next target. And the next. Then the one after that.
It is an awakening moment, when the mask slips. You are witnessing humanity at its very worst. (If they can be deemed “human—¦I prefer to think of them as aliens).
No matter how attractive you initially thought they were, a sociopath is actually very, very ugly…beneath the mask.
I just read “The Mask of the Sociopath” and I felt like it was written about my life. I have never read anything that has come so close to my experience with a sociopath as this had. I actually held my breath as I read.
My thanks to all of you here. I feel more at peace since I found this site.
Terriecollins
I know I felt the same way when I read KIKI Anistons why women date the wrong men ! Ofcourse I’m Gay but I still was attracted to the wrong guy! It was as if she was writing directly to me ! Welcome ! And LOVE JJ
Is anyone out there? I need some encouragement and words of inspiration.
I called my husband on Monday at work and he told me he was talking to a friend and he would call me back. He never called back. So this morning he called to tell me he was picking up our daughter from daycare today and I asked him why he never called me back (I know that is the first mistake to question him). He said I never called or left a message. I told him that I talked with him and he paused and stumbled over his words and then he said he had a lot he was dealing with at the time.
The truth is he didn’t catch my voice. He thought I was someone else. He won’t admit it but that is it. I hung up from him and he called back and I didn’t answer. He left a message apologizing again and asking for me to forgive me.
I feel like crying but I am at work. I know we are over and he has hurt me but this is like icing on the cake. He betrayed my trust by cheating, having a baby with his mistress, leaving me and now he doesn’t know my voice.
I want to email him and tell him that I will make sure to call him on his cell so he will know who I am but maybe I should just leave it alone.
I was calling him on Monday to thank him for coming on Sunday and putting salt down on the ground to melt the snow. That is what I get.
Dr ZEUS in the house
Nic
Behavior overrides words! These people can and will say anything to keep us under our own radar! The Mind game is to keep you so screwdup that you doubt your own thinking !
So your thinking did I call ? Yes ! So you figured it out, the voice , And now he trys to win/scam back in!
Please don’t let him! NC ! It’s not worth the emotional stress or energy ! Just let him go LOVE JJ
Thanks Indigo (Dr. Zeus..lol). I will go NC. I continuously doubted my thinking when we were together. My husband will say anything and you are so right action speaks louder than words. Thanks for responding.
At Your service My PAY Pal Act# is 666 evil999 LOVE JJ
Oxy: That employee’s fuse that blew … was do to several reasons. One, he’s a hot head mentality in the first place. Two, my boss ordered me to train someone else on his computer while he was away on vacation for the week. He spent a rainy week in California … with his grown daughter, grown son, and his wife. The daughter made more money than the son … which irked this dad to no end. Raining all week, women making more money then men, his daughter and his wife telling him what a pompous jerk he was all week … then coming back to work and his computer is deleted of work that he needed daily to make his work routine easier, well … let’s just say … it was the straw that broke the camels back. Plus, it didn’t help knowing I made twice his salary for doing the same job (this was my demotion) … the bosses new that all my new co-workers could read in the back of the union book the list of salaries … I earned more than they did … and they knew it … now, I’m doing the same work as them … well, I was dead in the water before I even started … talk about jealousy! Those bosses knew exactly what they were doing putting someone of my title and salary down there with those folks …
Anyway, earlier in the a.m. when this employee questioned me about why his work was deleted, I told him that I was ordered to train another employee about his work on his computer. He then asked why I didn’t train that employee on his own computer. I said, I tried to do just that and was ordered to train him on your computer. I then told the boss that if I trained this staff on your computer it will erase the memory of the work he installed … that I’d rather train this employee on his own computer. Light bulb went off in the bosses eyes …. NO Wini, I want you to train him on this computer. Again, I explained that if I did as she asked … it would erase the work on the employee’s computer and it will take him days or a week to reinstall the work. “Just do what I’m ordering you Wini”.
Well, this employee tells me “who do you think you are fooling, you purposely did this to my computer, you knew what would happen and all my work would be deleted”. I said, “I know, I tried to explain this to the boss and she refused to let me train that employee on any other computer other than yours”. Of course, this employee never believed me. I told him to go ask the boss if she ordered me to do this training on his computer. He refused to go ask the boss anything … he rather think I was making the story up.
So, coming back in the office after a rainy week in California on vacation … to finding out it would take him days to reinstall what he needed back on his computer … I could have counted down … 10, 9, 8, 7 … to when he would explode.
Then he did. Of course, my boss was conveniently on a phone call when all this transpired … and didn’t see a thing … but wrote me up for the incident (everything is my fault, you know) … not the co-worker who attacked me.
When it came to the hearing on this incident (a year later)… I had a new union rep. Another ringer sell out … telling me not to tell the entire story of what happened, make it simple and to the point with this hearing officer, don’t waste his time … start with when your boss ordered you in to the conference room. I told this rep, “If I do that, it won’t make any sense to anyone”. She said, leave that to us what makes sense and what doesn’t make sense, just make it short and sweet what happened when you wouldn’t go into the conference room with you boss when she ordered you to.
Talk about set ups?
Anyway … we go into the hearing, they insist I tell only the part about my not going into the conference room when my boss order me to.
The hearing officer said “Well, Wini, your boss admits she was on the phone when all this transpired … and didn’t see what happened … do you agree?
I said “I agree, I know she was on the phone and didn’t see what transpired … that is a true statement” … the hearing officer said, good, now that you agree, we are throwing your grievance out … it is not relevant to grieve your boss if she wasn’t on the floor to witness anything … so we are going to drop this grievance and favor your boss in our decision’.
I said, “well, if she didn’t witness anything … and she admits that she was on the phone”. “Yes, Wini, what are you getting at”? I said, “well, if she didn’t see anything … then how does she justify writing me up on my evaluation … to place the blame on me … and the other worker got an excellent on his overall evaluation … if she didn’t know what happened in the first place?
I’m shaking my head having to remember all these set up scenarios.
Oh, my boss was demoted out of her position to oversee subordinates … but she has another job still in that place of employment.
Peace. Oh, that co-worker … if he did the right thing in the first place, he could have grieved the fact that I was doing the same work as him … and he could have made my salary … and retired off that salary instead of his own. It’s how you look at anything …!
Dear Nic,
I’m so sorry for your pain. The worst is when you’re just starting to put all the pieces together. Part of you is still in the “love” fantasy: ‘this is a good guy, I’m just not understanding everything that’s going on here. If I have all the information, I’ll know how to understand what’s happening between us’. As if he’s another rational human being like you. That all you need is a greater understanding to work this situation out. The other part of you, the part that’s wise and aware, is in shock. How could this be? What’s going on here?
Nic, keep in touch with that wise, aware part of you. As much as it hurts to realize what this man is doing to you, to your child, and to countless others, you need to face it as best you can. From your description he sounds like a classic sociopath. I lived with a man for 6 years who played those same games: juggling who knows how many women at one time while swearing to you that you’re the only one. Once, in the car, he turned up a song on the radio (that I hated) real loud and said “Hey! Your favorite song!” I thought he was just confused. You want to believe his lies, because the truth would be too awful. A key thing to remember: if his explainations defy logic, make no sense – he’s lying. I explained away that kind of behavior for years. He’s under stress, it’s just his ADHD, guys can’t be expected to remember little details like that – NO. HE’S LYING.
Surround yourself with people who love you. If you don’t have a counselor/therapist find a good one. Be gentle with yourself. Start treating this man the way he deserves to be treated: as a predator. Protect your heart from further abuse. Stay with this site. There are SO many loving people here to help who truly understand.
Hugs, Love, and Solidarity, J
Dear Nic,
I too am very sorry for your pain, and in this stage of the game I know it is intense because you are just starting to “get it” yourself about what a piece of chit he is!
TURN DOWN THE VOLUME, and LOOK AT THE ACTION, the action DOES SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS! There’s a thread on here in the archives that says HE IS THE LIE. That is sooooo true. Everything about them is a LIE. Even if they do something “nice” for you, it is something that is a down payment on abuse/control,, it is NOT A GIFT believe me!
Have as little conversation and interaction with him as you possibly can. Use e mail more than phone if possible, and I know you have a child together, so total NC may not be possible, but don’t argue with him, don’t confront him. I know that is difficult to do, but ONLY ESSENTIAL CONTACT OR INFORMATION. Don’t try to get information about him, don’t talk to anyone who knows you both unless they are CLEARLY in your camp, and even then they may not understand.
BE GOOD TO YOURSELF, take time for yourself. The pain will pass, I promise you. It will take some time and work though. REad as much as you can here and learn as much as you can, the information and knowledge will help you cope and help you come to some resolution. (((((hugs)))) and God bless you.