By Peggywhoever
All sociopaths wear a mask. The mask of kindness. The mask of generosity. The mask of romance. The mask of attraction. The mask of intimacy. The mask of seduction. And so on.
This is what reels us in. The pretense. The acting. The mask. The mask of perfection. And we, in our infinite loving goodness, reflect that mask back to them. The perfect mirrored reflection of beauty and adoration.
And then one day, that mask cracks. You remember the moment.. The moment when you look in their eyes and you KNOW the truth about them. The moment you recognize the pathological lies, the deception, the manipulation, the con. The game is up.
And from that moment on, your relationship with the sociopath is forever changed. This moment happened for me when”¦after middle of the night phone calls to his house and cell phone”¦I looked into his eyes and I KNEW. I knew he was having an affair, and that he was a liar. A year’s worth of investigation (yes, obsessing) has confirmed that nearly everything he told me was a lie.
From that point forward, the cruelty begins. Name-calling. Shouting. Out-of-control rage. Accusations of what you have”¦and have not done for them. Assaults on your character. Disparaging remarks. Outright slander. Saying horrible things about you to everyone who will listen. The smear campaign begins in full force.
Once the mask slips, you have a full view of who the sociopath actually is. Nothing is hidden from you anymore. They are the most hateful person you have ever encountered.
I equate the mask with a coin”¦beautiful, golden, intricately detailed and engraved on one side, and the cheapest, molten metal, with indistinguishable or hideous features on the other.
I thought my sociopath had a brain tumor. I couldn’t comprehend how someone who had seemingly been so kind, generous, and thoughtful”¦seemingly a “knight in shining armor”, turned into such a dark knight—instantaneously. Heartless. Cold. Unfeeling. Unsympathetic. Lying. Cheating. Berating. Chillingly frightening. Brrr.
After the mask cracks and you see their naked hatred, they become vengeful. It is as if they become your mortal enemy; even though you still love them and may try to salvage the relationship. And then they usually become cowardly. If you try to expose them, they will use every amount of charm and conning in their power to figuratively and verbally disarm you. (They are very good at this; they have a lifetime of practice).
They will attempt to dissemble your character piece-by-piece. They will not allow you to confront them with the truth; it is almost as if they become fearful of you and will try to retaliate against you with every piece of personal information they have garnered about you. Oh yes, and they will project upon you the very things that they are doing (and which you are innocent of). And they will tell unimaginable lies about you”¦that you are vile, manipulative, conning, vindictive, lying, and of course, crazy. Some of these whoppers are so monstrous that they can even ruin relationships you’ve had with family members and close friends. Everything is your fault, and they are the victim.
It is important to realize that just because you have seen their “true” self, they can still be extremely adept at keeping their mask intact for others. I have seen my sociopath go from screaming at me to laughing and smiling while speaking to someone on the phone”¦within 30 seconds. But you will most likely never see that initial charm again”¦unless there is something very specific they want from you.
And generally it is a very short time after you see their true self, no longer a reflection of beauty and adoration, that they will leave you. Or perhaps they already have their victim lined up. Because the sociopath cannot tolerate seeing their imperfections through your eyes. They will begin the romance phase, and once again have adoration from their next target. And the next. Then the one after that.
It is an awakening moment, when the mask slips. You are witnessing humanity at its very worst. (If they can be deemed “human—¦I prefer to think of them as aliens).
No matter how attractive you initially thought they were, a sociopath is actually very, very ugly…beneath the mask.
Nic: NO CONTACT, NO CONTACT, NO CONTACT … did I tell you NO CONTACT?
Piece of cake, piece of pie … don’t let him get to you … just ignore anything he says or does from here on out.
For now, pamper yourself. You deserve it … and you deserve not to hear any more lies from the likes of him.
ellejay-
I just read yours and wow. Thank you– How I wish that exactly one year ago I knew what you were talking about. That was when he came back after 6 months. And I fell for it– hoping- yes– that there was something human inside. And then he had his duped therapist tell me that he broke up with me so abruptly b/c his father had just died and oh– he just could not stand the chance of losing me.
I start a new job/career tomorrow and I am very scared and nervous and sad. Where is my man who was at my side? Doesn’t he want to know and cheer me on for tomorrow? Oh yeah– that is right– he was an S– he was not real. I miss someone who was not real. At least that proves that I CAN LOVE. I AM SO ALONE NOW AND SO SCARED AND SOOOOOOO ANGRY at what has been done to me by a complete master manipulator/liar.
You know guys– I also have realized that I think he came around again to me last year at this time b/c of the damned holidays and it would have been a blow to his ego if he were alone.
I am soooo sad and scared. Driving 30 miles in a new city to a new place tomorrow. TAlk about alone. I am sooo grateful however for this site. thanks
and another thing-
I have never, ever been someone to be afraid of a new job. THis S experience has changed me. Down to the core. I bet if you scanned my brain before and after– it would be different. I am so afraid I will never bounce back to outgoing/perky me. Isn’t that what got me in trouble in the first place?
I amm sooooo angry at that therapist– a psychologist. If he had known his stuff– he could have helped me save two years of my life and the worst pain ever. But nope– he had to keep telling me– that I was messed up. This is so unfair. Wouldn’t you want to write him and tell him the truth. My S USED his psychologist– to victimize me!!!! How evil is that??? I had to vent. I hope you all do not mind. In a lot of pain
akitameg: When I went through the horror story with my bosses … I didn’t realize how much they beat me down psychologically…cause I fought their nonsense in my mind for 6 years.
I couldn’t ski. I was dressed up in a snowsuit, at the lodge … standing with my boots on, skis on … took the lift up the mountain … nothing. I could not ski. I had to bunny hop it down the mountain.
That’s not me at all. I was never afraid of skiing or pushing myself in any athletic endeavor.
I went into the bar and had hot toddies all evening while my EX skied the night away. He kept trying to get me back up there … and I just had this block … I can’t explain it. I felt like I couldn’t do anything. I just froze … which also isn’t like me.
That’s their plans … that we freeze up and die or something.
Well, I plan on going skiing this year. Yup.
Piece of cake, piece of pie.
Akitameg,
I can relate to how they make you doubt yourself and everything! My lawyer was manipulated by him (or scared of him) and turned out to be a total waste, and my therapist really wasn’t helpful because she just was not educated about sociopaths…I (very unfortunately) live in a small,ultra -conservative Mormon community and several of the therapists I had contacted after my ugly break-up with my X- S for appointments actually asked if I would be bringing my ‘Bishop”…
Anyway, I’m trying to sell my small house and get outta here, but at this time the economy sucks and it’s so hard to sell…I want to get out and move and start over with a new city , job and it is SO SCAREY after my horrible experience…
Anyway, your new job/career may be a huge blessing as it will keep your mind very occupied and off the x-S (at least while your at work).. I wish you God’s peace and presence in your new job and in your move… God bless…
Stormee: I saw a couple on TV that put their house up for raffle. Have to sell X-amount of tickets at such and such a price per ticket.
Just a thought.
Peace.
Akitameg,
Hang in there. You’ll get your confidence back. Just take good care of yourself.
Remember that wounded or sick prey animals work very hard to project health. They know better than to “bleed around sharks”. They know predators naturally strike those who are the most vulnerable. You can learn a lot from a rabbit!
Most of the people in your new environment will be good folks, and most will be healthy and whole. They’ll be courteous and kind, but somewhat cautious. The won’t be willing to risk much emotionally until the figure out if you’re a safe person to befriend. If you mimic these behaviors, you’ll run less risk of attracting a predator.
Many if not all of us who attract Ps, Ss and Ns are programmed to behave in ways that put us at risk of exploitation. If you’ve tried real hard to be likeable in the past, without asking yourself what you think of other people’s behavior, then this is a good time to become a little “standoffish” and “judgemental”. Remember, all you need to be well is a mutually respectful relationship with your employer and a few genuine friendships in the new community. Both goals are easier to reach if you keep your emotions safe behind the more analytical aspects of your personality.
The more slowly and carefully you build the friendships, the more stable they’ll prove over time. Watch out for the instant friendships. Not all of them are real. Be your own best friend for a while. Treat yourself the way you deserve to be treated. You’re going to do fine.
Today On OPRA
THE CON
Be there or be square :)~
Elizabeth Conley:
I was trying to find what you wrote on an earlier post, I think it was you?!? Did you write something about when you are in the presence of a s/p you might notice a “different reality” or something like that? Did someone tell you that is how you notice you are around s/p? What kind of behaviors do you think of?
Indi: No need to tell me … I love Oprah! I love her show and I love the fact that she’s not afraid to go into any topic!
Piece of chocolate on chocolate cake, piece of strawberry rhubarb pie.
Emmmmmmmmmmhhhhhhhhhhh good.