By Peggywhoever
All sociopaths wear a mask. The mask of kindness. The mask of generosity. The mask of romance. The mask of attraction. The mask of intimacy. The mask of seduction. And so on.
This is what reels us in. The pretense. The acting. The mask. The mask of perfection. And we, in our infinite loving goodness, reflect that mask back to them. The perfect mirrored reflection of beauty and adoration.
And then one day, that mask cracks. You remember the moment.. The moment when you look in their eyes and you KNOW the truth about them. The moment you recognize the pathological lies, the deception, the manipulation, the con. The game is up.
And from that moment on, your relationship with the sociopath is forever changed. This moment happened for me when”¦after middle of the night phone calls to his house and cell phone”¦I looked into his eyes and I KNEW. I knew he was having an affair, and that he was a liar. A year’s worth of investigation (yes, obsessing) has confirmed that nearly everything he told me was a lie.
From that point forward, the cruelty begins. Name-calling. Shouting. Out-of-control rage. Accusations of what you have”¦and have not done for them. Assaults on your character. Disparaging remarks. Outright slander. Saying horrible things about you to everyone who will listen. The smear campaign begins in full force.
Once the mask slips, you have a full view of who the sociopath actually is. Nothing is hidden from you anymore. They are the most hateful person you have ever encountered.
I equate the mask with a coin”¦beautiful, golden, intricately detailed and engraved on one side, and the cheapest, molten metal, with indistinguishable or hideous features on the other.
I thought my sociopath had a brain tumor. I couldn’t comprehend how someone who had seemingly been so kind, generous, and thoughtful”¦seemingly a “knight in shining armor”, turned into such a dark knight—instantaneously. Heartless. Cold. Unfeeling. Unsympathetic. Lying. Cheating. Berating. Chillingly frightening. Brrr.
After the mask cracks and you see their naked hatred, they become vengeful. It is as if they become your mortal enemy; even though you still love them and may try to salvage the relationship. And then they usually become cowardly. If you try to expose them, they will use every amount of charm and conning in their power to figuratively and verbally disarm you. (They are very good at this; they have a lifetime of practice).
They will attempt to dissemble your character piece-by-piece. They will not allow you to confront them with the truth; it is almost as if they become fearful of you and will try to retaliate against you with every piece of personal information they have garnered about you. Oh yes, and they will project upon you the very things that they are doing (and which you are innocent of). And they will tell unimaginable lies about you”¦that you are vile, manipulative, conning, vindictive, lying, and of course, crazy. Some of these whoppers are so monstrous that they can even ruin relationships you’ve had with family members and close friends. Everything is your fault, and they are the victim.
It is important to realize that just because you have seen their “true” self, they can still be extremely adept at keeping their mask intact for others. I have seen my sociopath go from screaming at me to laughing and smiling while speaking to someone on the phone”¦within 30 seconds. But you will most likely never see that initial charm again”¦unless there is something very specific they want from you.
And generally it is a very short time after you see their true self, no longer a reflection of beauty and adoration, that they will leave you. Or perhaps they already have their victim lined up. Because the sociopath cannot tolerate seeing their imperfections through your eyes. They will begin the romance phase, and once again have adoration from their next target. And the next. Then the one after that.
It is an awakening moment, when the mask slips. You are witnessing humanity at its very worst. (If they can be deemed “human—¦I prefer to think of them as aliens).
No matter how attractive you initially thought they were, a sociopath is actually very, very ugly…beneath the mask.
Onajourney,
My friend called it the social location of a cluster B and those under his/her sway a “reality suspension zone”.
You’re asking what behaviors one might specifically observe. (Right?) Here are some examples:
1. “The elephant in the room” in an abusive home is the abuse itself. The whole family keeps the “secret” perfectly, even with each other. They pretend even among themselves that Mom merely fell down the stairs, even when everyone witnessed the beating.
2. A Narcissist leader might have a tantrum resembling a mini-psychotic episode in the midst of his sycophants. While this occurs, they might pretend not to notice, and later pretend not to remember.
3. An S, P or N bully might project certain traits on a target, and his/her sycophants may actually share in the projection, totally believing the target actually has the traits.
4. A histrionic may be able to persuade entire congregations, communities or large pools of coworkers that s/he is a victim of a person who is actually the histrionic’s target.
In all 4 examples, otherwise benign human qualities/behaviors are twisted into something sick. For instance, a dupe who went along with a cluster b’s manipulations of reality early in the relationship will become reluctant to balk at participating in increasingly abusive group behavior. This is because the dupe thinks of him/herself as a good person. If s/he starts to seriously question what’s going on in the present, s/he must objectively reexamine what s/he has participated in previously. This type of introspection is too painful to endure, since it attacks the dupe’s self image as a good person. The desire to be a good person and do the right thing has been effectively used to trap the dupe into escalating bad behavior.
Another type of reality suspension occurs when the N, P or S is simply treated to the extreme version of “Let the Wookie Win” survival strategies. Children learn to smother the abusive parent with affection, when actually they’re more terrified than fond. Coworkers learn to flatter the N incessantly, because fawning keeps the N from attacking. Neighbors refuse to say anything unkind about an S, because they don’t want war. Sometimes an S is even given a glowing reference so s/he can get a position in another department or organization. All of this keeps most of the people fooled most of the time, and it’s not just the cluster b who is creating the reality suspension zone.
That’s far from a comprehensive description of the phenomenon, but there are many people on this blog who can elaborate.
Thanks for all those examples that helps me to understand what a “reality suspension zone” is.
Elizabeth: I know you were writing to onajourney, but you wrote something very interesting about co-workers learning to flatter the N incessantly, because fawning keeps the N from attacking? Interesting. That’s why I believe all companies should rotate their personnel on a yearly basis. Not having 2 people in the same location for many years in between for 2 reasons. 1. Not allowing the fifdoms to be created and 2. Being able to report abuse to management from multiple co-workers over the years about an N, P, S personality they worked with or worked for. Then “real” management can effectively deal with the situation as is, instead of innocent parties being demoted or fired by the likes of Ns, Ps, and Ss in collusion with each other to oust the innocent employee.
Peace.
Wini,
360 degree evals are the bomb!
Elizabeth: Daaaaaaaaaa. I didn’t get it. What are you saying to me … what “EVALS” … did you mean evaluations or EVILS?
Piece of cake, piece of pie.
Except it is not practical or even possible for most places to “rotate” people. Instead maybe a culture of moral courage should be openly encouraged and rewarded. The problem is not the jerk it is all the people around them that just look the other way, that are afraid to speak up. In our society we look at whistle blowers as heroes and treat them as villains.
Wini,
360 degree feedback is my favorite personnel evaluation tool.
Done well, it rocks. I believe it addresses a lot of your concerns.
Here’s an excellent article about the tool.
http://humanresources.about.com/od/360feedback/a/360feedback.htm
Elizabeth: I was doing the Curly routine “Tried to think but nothing worked … woo – woo – woo – woo” … Curly Howard … 3 Stooges.
Peace.
I love those guys. When my kids were young, I thought I could let them watch the 3 stooges. Then they started immitating the 3 stooges. It was worse than WWF in their playroom. Talk about dumb parenting. It took a week of the Tellytubbies to tame things down again.
Elizabeth: The 360 evaluation most likely will work in profit oriented business. Not where I worked. Those people would just be in collusion with all the said levels described in the format. They are there for life … and their fifdoms are well established for years. I went through numerous scenarios such as this … and everyone was already planted on said committees and sold me out … as they systematically gave my promotions over the years to others for the work I did … coming up to me afterward “Wini, I wanted to evaluate you better, but so-and-so was already getting your promotion and the big boss thought the blow would come easier to you if you heard it this way!”. Yeah, and if I slept with him, I would have gotten the promotion … instead, the woman who slept with her manager under my boss got it and gave it too.
Where I worked, it is common knowledge that you have to sleep your way up the ladder … this way, the airheads who created this design … can throw any future lawsuits out of court that happen to come down the pike … by future violations. Believe me, if I had slept with anyone in that work place, they would have plastered my face all over the evening news and newspapers. When the opposing attorneys saw me in person for the first time … they thought they had a slam dunk … NO PROBLEM … this chic had to have slept with just about everyone through out her career! When they deposed me and asked if I slept with this one and that one and this one … it was like someone had a shotgun shooting them in the head … their head hit the wall so hard over my answers. Yeah, dummy … I thought attorneys were to know the answer before they even ask?
Anyway … this ole boy theory of having to sleep with the bosses is so out dated, it’s beyond ridiculous. And they wonder why our country went down the tubes? But, men have to sleep with women no matter how much the dice are loaded.
Peace.