By Peggywhoever
All sociopaths wear a mask. The mask of kindness. The mask of generosity. The mask of romance. The mask of attraction. The mask of intimacy. The mask of seduction. And so on.
This is what reels us in. The pretense. The acting. The mask. The mask of perfection. And we, in our infinite loving goodness, reflect that mask back to them. The perfect mirrored reflection of beauty and adoration.
And then one day, that mask cracks. You remember the moment.. The moment when you look in their eyes and you KNOW the truth about them. The moment you recognize the pathological lies, the deception, the manipulation, the con. The game is up.
And from that moment on, your relationship with the sociopath is forever changed. This moment happened for me when”¦after middle of the night phone calls to his house and cell phone”¦I looked into his eyes and I KNEW. I knew he was having an affair, and that he was a liar. A year’s worth of investigation (yes, obsessing) has confirmed that nearly everything he told me was a lie.
From that point forward, the cruelty begins. Name-calling. Shouting. Out-of-control rage. Accusations of what you have”¦and have not done for them. Assaults on your character. Disparaging remarks. Outright slander. Saying horrible things about you to everyone who will listen. The smear campaign begins in full force.
Once the mask slips, you have a full view of who the sociopath actually is. Nothing is hidden from you anymore. They are the most hateful person you have ever encountered.
I equate the mask with a coin”¦beautiful, golden, intricately detailed and engraved on one side, and the cheapest, molten metal, with indistinguishable or hideous features on the other.
I thought my sociopath had a brain tumor. I couldn’t comprehend how someone who had seemingly been so kind, generous, and thoughtful”¦seemingly a “knight in shining armor”, turned into such a dark knight—instantaneously. Heartless. Cold. Unfeeling. Unsympathetic. Lying. Cheating. Berating. Chillingly frightening. Brrr.
After the mask cracks and you see their naked hatred, they become vengeful. It is as if they become your mortal enemy; even though you still love them and may try to salvage the relationship. And then they usually become cowardly. If you try to expose them, they will use every amount of charm and conning in their power to figuratively and verbally disarm you. (They are very good at this; they have a lifetime of practice).
They will attempt to dissemble your character piece-by-piece. They will not allow you to confront them with the truth; it is almost as if they become fearful of you and will try to retaliate against you with every piece of personal information they have garnered about you. Oh yes, and they will project upon you the very things that they are doing (and which you are innocent of). And they will tell unimaginable lies about you”¦that you are vile, manipulative, conning, vindictive, lying, and of course, crazy. Some of these whoppers are so monstrous that they can even ruin relationships you’ve had with family members and close friends. Everything is your fault, and they are the victim.
It is important to realize that just because you have seen their “true” self, they can still be extremely adept at keeping their mask intact for others. I have seen my sociopath go from screaming at me to laughing and smiling while speaking to someone on the phone”¦within 30 seconds. But you will most likely never see that initial charm again”¦unless there is something very specific they want from you.
And generally it is a very short time after you see their true self, no longer a reflection of beauty and adoration, that they will leave you. Or perhaps they already have their victim lined up. Because the sociopath cannot tolerate seeing their imperfections through your eyes. They will begin the romance phase, and once again have adoration from their next target. And the next. Then the one after that.
It is an awakening moment, when the mask slips. You are witnessing humanity at its very worst. (If they can be deemed “human—¦I prefer to think of them as aliens).
No matter how attractive you initially thought they were, a sociopath is actually very, very ugly…beneath the mask.
Yuk, yuk, yuk Elizabeth … and you wonder why men are the way they are?
Piece of cake, piece of cream pie.
Elizabeth,
That’s why I quit letting my kids have TV. Ours “broke” and I told the kids “I can’t afford to fix it”—they bought that routine and the TV sat in the living room NON-WORKING for 7 years, during which time they learned to read and play and play games and make their own entertainment etc.
My son C still doesn’t watch TV, though he does watch DVDs from time to time. I have a TV that picks up broadcast television, for news etc. but we don’t have cable or any other kind of television in the house. I watch a bit from time to time, but not regularly. It wouldn’t bother me if all television went away.
The things that most children see of televison I think are quite bad for their maturation. Violence, sex, and even comedy is violent. When my kids were little before the TV “broke” I carefully monitored their watching and we watched Secesme Street and Mr. Rogers and things like that, for limited periods of time TOGETHER.
Any child sitting in front of the tube for 6+ hours a day though, even if they are watching “good” shows are not out entertaining themselves, which is what I think kids ought to do. My kids had the option of roaming in the woods, riding horses, buildiing forts in the woods, and playing “Cowboys and Native Americans” and “cowboys and bank robbers” and were able to help with chores and learn to make and do things. Children in apartments or cities where they don’t have the option to play with tools and scraps of lumber, etc. to build their own toys and learn to design and build things are to me at a disadvantage.
There was a day and time when kids could be let “run loose” with the neighborhood kids and you didn’t have to worry about them getting into things or someting happening to them. I am afraid that day is long gone now, even out here in the boonies. I just think though that kids shouldn’t be cooped up in a room in front of a TV from after school to bedtime.
Also, most kids are sleep deprived, up too late and up too early to get to day care. Many are sleep deprived, not fed properly and we wonder why they don’t do well in school. DUH!
Hey Oxy: I built forts with my girl friends (3 or 4 per year in different locations, built tree houses too), fed, groomed and took care of injured race horses … then when the injuries were almost healed or healed rode horses, played cowboys and Indians, cops and robbers, played on top of wood piles, climbed trees to sit up in them all day and read books, sat on roof tops to soak up the sun or sit around and talked, jumped off said roof to meet a pool below … swam all day … walked in all the underground sewers that went through our city … end to end … hung out in 100s of acres of open fields and wooded areas … ice skated, roller skated, rode our skate boards, roded mini bikes, traded up to dirt bikes … trading up to street bikes … were entrepreneurs 100 times over by the time we were in 2nd grade … wrote and produced and acted in plays and shows, played every sport you can imagine …was on every track event … cheer leading, gymnastics, girl scouts, camping, hiking, rock climbing, boating, fishing … played musical instruments, played every board game, played every card game … you name it, we did it. Oh, and I live in the city … but our state is small … and the 100s of acres was right down the block from where we lived. We rode our bicycles to get where we wanted to go … or we did the old fashion way of walked to where we wanted to go. Oh, did I mention we’d play husband and wife, divorce court, attorneys, judges? Yup, did that too and we weren’t even out of grade school.
Peace.
Hi Everyone,
Just want to say welcome to all the new people I see here. There is some major growth going on at this blog!
OxDrover, I got out all the decorations tonight and started the Christmas holiday in my home. There is a lot of sparkle downstairs and my son is happy about it! If you are limited on budget you have to check out the dollar store. I think it is fun to shop there and all the little do-dads are great.
I certainly agree with you that it is no longer safe or wise to let our children go too far from home whether it is city, country or the suburbs. It is a sad fact of life.
Geez, I just read Wini’s post of activities . Not only a brilliant child, but wealthy. She has been holding out on everyone. My soon to be ex is pretty well off but she has some very wealthy parents to have provided just the costs of some of that equipment to even be involved in all those sports and hobbies! Wow! What an incredible childhood. I am trying to add up the cost of building the tree houses, the bikes, mini bikes, roller skates, ice skates, musical instruments and the cost of lessons, gymnastics is very expensive, boating, camping, skateboards and cheerleading is pretty expensive too. Writing, producing and acting in plays too! Re-enactments of the judicial process also and all this while in grade school! It’s unbelievable to have such time, energy and opportunity. Wish I had a fraction of that energy! What a lucky girl and a great childhood. I am just amazed by that post!!
Elizabeth Conley,
The link you posted on the 360 degree feedback was awesome. In listing the good, bad and ugly I saw more good in the purpose of the 360. It just seemed to weed out and resolve problems and potential problematic behaviors. It also presented dignified ways to approach people who need to change and gives them the choice to comply for the benefit of not only themselves but everyone around them. I liked the structure of it and the practicality in that it would be a good tool also for removing people who could be litigious and troublesome in the future if left unchecked. Great article and website!
I know a person who has a company that he is trying to grow but he also has a person in charge of management that is very troublesome. Sadly, this person is the owners friend and has fought with many people who were valuable in the technical areas the company needed and they subsequently left. The business should be thriving but is instead tanking. I cannot understand why he is keeping this person, at least in the position he holds. There is loyalty and friendship and then there is financial ruin at the expense of that sometimes. I do not understand why he doesn’t act on this unless he is somehow mesmerized and truly unaware that this person is wiping out his business. Maybe just standing too close to have any objectivity.
Regards, Breach
Inthebreach57: I came from what was known as “middle class” family. LOL. Remember middle class 40-50 years ago? I know it’s obsolete now … but, at one time it did exists in our country (LOL). Gymnastics, and the other sports were conducted at the public schools that I attended. At one time, public schools did a lot for children … I grew up in the 60s! We were on bus trips 5 or 6 times/year … New York City, Boston … where ever. Same with musical instruments… all public schools. I then attended a Catholic High School … and transferred to a public school again so I didn’t have to wear a uniform (LOL) … I could wear jeans and T-shirts!
The tree houses and forts could be built because we were always poking around the huge wood piles our neighbor had in his back and side yards. Double lot … that’s where the horses were kept. He had a double car garage … 2 sides … one side (double garage) was made into the stalls to hold the race horses that were injured. My neighbor was city planner … was an engineer by degree. With an engineer as my neighbor and one of my Dad’s best friends … guess what the girls were taught to do? Use our brains and build things. He had every tool imaginable (double, triple, he was always forgetting where he’d put something) in the other side of the garage, plus down in his basement. Because the tools were there, we learned how to use them from our Dad’s … so we did. We used to build go carts too (because that’s what my oldest brother and his friends were in to) and they competed in city competitions. All the parents in our neighborhood treated all the kids in the neighborhood like we were one big family. If I closed my eyes … they all said the same thing … and always had that concerned tone in their voices. We’d eat over each others houses, sleep overs, we also had to do chores, who ever house we stayed at … so don’t think we got away with not working and having responsibilities.
We got to do a lot of things because one of my friends older sister (who had her driver’s license when we were kids), along with friends her age, would be our chaperons! Yes, chaperons. As long as we had Charlotte and her friends to chaperon us … our parents let us go to different places, camping etc. over the weekend … because Charlotte was there to watch over all of us (LOL … we drove her crazy too). But, she had a good heart … and she knew it was important to us to experience these things … so she always gave up her time to be with us (she had fun too, don’t let my writing fool you). My two older cousins (both sides of y family) chaperoned us too … so we never went without chaperons taking responsibility for us in order for us to be able to attend something and to have a good time.
Peace.
My sociopath has taught me how to spot out other ones. I have had sociopath’s in my life in the past but didn’t know what they were until now. I have become an expert in describing who they are. I have done so much reading and joined groups such as this one. I read the “sociopath next door” and that book gave me a rude awakening. I have watched shows about sociopaths and this has aided in my healing a little.
I am new to this but I will try to simplify what I am feeling. I feel love for the person I met and hate for the person he became. Not only did he take advantage of my kind nature but he turned me into a monster to anyone that would listen. He has told his own children in whom I lived with during our short episode that he hates me and that they should too. How do you stop loving someone who you spent so much time with, had children with and just move on?
I had a child for this monster and he never thought once to come and see our baby. As a matter of fact he is hiding so that he doesn’t get served with court paperwork for childsupport.
Our son is only two months and may never see his father and that is hard for me. I grew up in an environment where father’s are just as important as mother’s. Children who don’t have both are prone to go in a negative direction in life.
JanetF: You need to look on the bright side of everything that happened and forget everything about your EX! You know what happened, just like the rest of us know what happened in our own scenarios.
WE are never going to change our EX’s selfish behavior … so forget trying to get a selfish person to admit that they are selfish! It’s a waste of your precious time.
You have a beautiful baby boy. A new life that you get to cherish, nurture, and love and you know that you are the responsible parent that will always be there for him. As far as a father figure in your son’s life, I don’t know if you have any men in your family, but grandfathers are wonderful as a father figure, uncles are great, even contacting Big Brothers or other organizations of men donating their time to spend with boys that do not have fathers in their life.
I consider YOU one of the lucky ones … that you can focus your attention on building a new life with your adorable son.
Peace. You’ll do it … step by step.
Great article, first time here –
I fled from the terrorist mask in a final violent rage with two infants in tow in dead of winter and night, I deal with him because of having two young boys on a daily basis, and he is frightening and completely nuts.
This article was like something written about the monster I encountered.
Do they ever just disappear, or end up in jail where they belong?
Dr. Zeus in the house! :)~