By Peggywhoever
All sociopaths wear a mask. The mask of kindness. The mask of generosity. The mask of romance. The mask of attraction. The mask of intimacy. The mask of seduction. And so on.
This is what reels us in. The pretense. The acting. The mask. The mask of perfection. And we, in our infinite loving goodness, reflect that mask back to them. The perfect mirrored reflection of beauty and adoration.
And then one day, that mask cracks. You remember the moment.. The moment when you look in their eyes and you KNOW the truth about them. The moment you recognize the pathological lies, the deception, the manipulation, the con. The game is up.
And from that moment on, your relationship with the sociopath is forever changed. This moment happened for me when”¦after middle of the night phone calls to his house and cell phone”¦I looked into his eyes and I KNEW. I knew he was having an affair, and that he was a liar. A year’s worth of investigation (yes, obsessing) has confirmed that nearly everything he told me was a lie.
From that point forward, the cruelty begins. Name-calling. Shouting. Out-of-control rage. Accusations of what you have”¦and have not done for them. Assaults on your character. Disparaging remarks. Outright slander. Saying horrible things about you to everyone who will listen. The smear campaign begins in full force.
Once the mask slips, you have a full view of who the sociopath actually is. Nothing is hidden from you anymore. They are the most hateful person you have ever encountered.
I equate the mask with a coin”¦beautiful, golden, intricately detailed and engraved on one side, and the cheapest, molten metal, with indistinguishable or hideous features on the other.
I thought my sociopath had a brain tumor. I couldn’t comprehend how someone who had seemingly been so kind, generous, and thoughtful”¦seemingly a “knight in shining armor”, turned into such a dark knight—instantaneously. Heartless. Cold. Unfeeling. Unsympathetic. Lying. Cheating. Berating. Chillingly frightening. Brrr.
After the mask cracks and you see their naked hatred, they become vengeful. It is as if they become your mortal enemy; even though you still love them and may try to salvage the relationship. And then they usually become cowardly. If you try to expose them, they will use every amount of charm and conning in their power to figuratively and verbally disarm you. (They are very good at this; they have a lifetime of practice).
They will attempt to dissemble your character piece-by-piece. They will not allow you to confront them with the truth; it is almost as if they become fearful of you and will try to retaliate against you with every piece of personal information they have garnered about you. Oh yes, and they will project upon you the very things that they are doing (and which you are innocent of). And they will tell unimaginable lies about you”¦that you are vile, manipulative, conning, vindictive, lying, and of course, crazy. Some of these whoppers are so monstrous that they can even ruin relationships you’ve had with family members and close friends. Everything is your fault, and they are the victim.
It is important to realize that just because you have seen their “true” self, they can still be extremely adept at keeping their mask intact for others. I have seen my sociopath go from screaming at me to laughing and smiling while speaking to someone on the phone”¦within 30 seconds. But you will most likely never see that initial charm again”¦unless there is something very specific they want from you.
And generally it is a very short time after you see their true self, no longer a reflection of beauty and adoration, that they will leave you. Or perhaps they already have their victim lined up. Because the sociopath cannot tolerate seeing their imperfections through your eyes. They will begin the romance phase, and once again have adoration from their next target. And the next. Then the one after that.
It is an awakening moment, when the mask slips. You are witnessing humanity at its very worst. (If they can be deemed “human—¦I prefer to think of them as aliens).
No matter how attractive you initially thought they were, a sociopath is actually very, very ugly…beneath the mask.
TMS yes they Do
The less intellegent ones ind up costing us money by living in jail where they belong ! I for one would rather pay for them to be there than on the out side because at least in jail they can scam their own kind and the unfortunate others locked up with them ! LOVE JJ
Dear TMS Michigan
Welcome to LF, this is a healing place. Knowledge=Power and there is a great deal of knowledge in one spot here at LF. Read the articles, ALL of them, then the blogs, and learn not only about them, but about yourself. Why you got “hooked” and why you stayed after you felt the pain of the hook. It is a long learning and healing process and having to continue contact with the psychopath because of the children you share makes it more difficult.
To answer your question: Yes, some of them do go to prison where they belong, and some just never quit. You can’t do anything about them, you can only strengthen and change yourself, and I admit the journey is painful, but you can do it. You have strengths and reserve power that you don’t even know after being with them for so long. They are like a lion that has clawed an antelope, but you are out of his clutches now and you can heal and become wiser, stronger and faster.
In many ways they are so predictable. Learn the red flags, so you will never get hooked again by another one, and learn how to deal with the one you have.
Read Dr. Leedom’s linked blog about Raising At Risk Children who have a psychopathic parent. Keep your faith, because I think the spiritual aspect of healing is very important. It doesn’t matter WHAT your faith is but just that you have a faith in something to turn to in the darkest times.
When you are down, come here, and feel free to vent, scream, cry, blog, cuss or whatever you need to do, there is usually someone on this blog almost 24/7 as there are people from around the world on here, all with the “same story” of dealing with the EVIL monsters–some are husbands, wives, lovers, parents, adult children of psychopaths, you name the relationship and there is someone here who’s had it, struggled with it—every cross section of humanity here with only one thing in common, our pain and wounds from these predators. You are in a safe place here. Welcome.
Good day to all,
Morgan, I address this to your question of me…..
Ask yourself a very big question…and be brutally honest with yourself..because that’s what I had to do when I left mine and yet still got “hooked” with his communication. It was a constant loop I couldn’t seem to get out of.
Why do you absolutely refuse to not go to this fitness centre? I probably know the answer to this because I have been there, but do you?
There was a part of me that left that man, but a part of me stayed and it’s that part that keeps you hooked. You leave because you finally get to a point where you can’t go on…but it’s not always because you stop loving the man you wanted to believe he was, it’s because you leave the man he turned out to be and you are running for your life.
I found, no matter how hard I tried to deny this part of my “sucked in” self, that I wanted him to see me (this was actually difficult as we live in different countries – so I continuously went back there on holidays!). There was this part that had believed I was soooooooooooo special to him. That’s where they excel. They wrap you up in this belief you are the most wonderful woman in the world to them..UNTIL you break that spell by starting to notice their imperfections and reflect those back. Then you don’t realise it but you are on the road to being devalued and disposed of mentally and emotionally.
Part of me still wanted that, wanted him to see how OK I was, that I still looked good, and the “hey look what you lost” syndrome. I wanted to believe he missed me, wanted me back, felt bereft without me, even though the SANE part of your mind knows this is futile.
The best thing you can do to avoid all the games/pulls/hooks/and constant emotional turmoil that you feel around this man is avoid him. Totally. If that means you have to switch to another fitness centre to do it, then do it. It’s only stubborn pride that stops us. But look at it another way, because that’s what I had to do. Look at it as preserving yourself, taking care of yourself, and loving yourself. The best thing, whilst highly annoying, is to remove yourself from anywhere he may be. I guarantee you he will cross your boundaries every time you continue to go there and allow it to happen. He gets a kick out of it. You said it yourself, he has no respect for your boundaries. So YOU have them. Keep away.
I can assure you all, that any contact you have with these people after they have harmed you in every way possible, is giving them the opportunity to harm you more. Just in their complete indifference to you. They have tweaked around inside your head and played massive games you weren’t even aware of, they plant triggers you aren’t even aware of, and if you expose yourself to them they will push/pull/tweak and then sit back and wait for a reaction. They DON’T CARE. You think that they once did, because they convinced you that they did, and so you as a decent person, believed in the fantasy. Recognise that they have hurt you and give them no further opportunity to do so anymore.
In answer to someone who asked, I did respond to the texts. I sent a short curt response to say I was not interested in his stupid games anymore so off you go. So to speak, :-)) Haven’t heard a peep since. Speaks volumes, non?? Its just his way of seeing if he can still tweak and pull and get a reaction. I know for sure that this man has nothing but anger and rage at me because I found out much more about him than anyone should of someone they love.
With great care to you all, love yourselves and don’t let them win.
LJ
Ellejay
Awsome!
We are the Lucky ones Who Can do NC ! Who don’t have offspring with these People !
I admit it is difficult to let go because of our investment in the Anti-relationship! BUT to cut your losses is I think the wiser move! It’s Sad ! To have Loved someone who does not love , feel , or care ! The saying is It is beter to have loved and lost than to not have Loved! LOVE JJ
Hi Indigo
Yes, I read that quote a lot…I have to say that after my experience I LOATHED that quote :-)) I found it so painful losing that love I didn’t feel generous enough to be able to say that at lease I had had love. But then, that’s all tied into the fact you aren’t sure anymore WHAT you had.
I agree, it’s hard for those who are still bound by children to these people. That’s a tough one, but I still believe you can reduce your actual verbal communication with them as much as possible so they can’t push your buttons, which lets face it, they love to do.
LJ
Wini,
Still sounds like a lot of fun! Many good things to look back on with fond memories. Regards, Inthebreach57
inthebreach57: I did have fun when I was a kid. That’s when Government cared about people … and put money into schools, parks, etc. focusing on the family as a whole.
I don’t have children … but I always vote for the schools or anything to do with family values.
That’s the problem today … too many selfish adults not remembering what great childhoods they had … and they vote this stuff down. The children are the ones that get the brunt out of it. I believe children should have the best of times during their childhoods … let them do what their energies take them … because childhood will be over soon … then you have to go to work and be responsible (LOL).
Peace. I think Obama will change this … he’ll make sure the schools/parks/community centers have the money so kids can experience life.
Peace.
Good post, ellejay. When I finally emailed my S and told him to play his games elsewhere, his first act was to block me from emailing him. Once he knew he’d been found out, he totally lost interest in me. See, it’s like a big game to them. Once they know the gig is up, there’s no need to play any more.
Wini,
Good point. The few sports and activities offered by the schools are expensive for many people and they can’t afford to enroll their children in the programs. How difficult would it be to have a fundraiser so any child could get on board if they wanted. I would happily sponsor a child. Yes, they don’t make it a priority and it is a shame.
inthebreach57: We always had fun raisers … we’d wash cars, clean garages, collect soda/beer cans/newspapers. We’d waitress at spaghetti dinners … more times than I care to think about … but all the adults would attend the dinners to help with the cost because they knew it was important to all of us. Let’s see what else, we had bake sales, we made potholders, door mats for your front and back doors … Christmas decorations, sold Greeting Cards, had church/school bizarres … put on plays and musicals and sold tickets … put on roller skating parties and dances and sold tickets for fund raising … I’ll think of the other stuff we did … oh yeah, we baby sat … that would always bring in alot of money …. even day sat children … took them to the movies, bowling, to the circus … whatever it was that they needed a chaperon and the mom needed a day off to relax … we did for them.
Peace.