By Peggywhoever
All sociopaths wear a mask. The mask of kindness. The mask of generosity. The mask of romance. The mask of attraction. The mask of intimacy. The mask of seduction. And so on.
This is what reels us in. The pretense. The acting. The mask. The mask of perfection. And we, in our infinite loving goodness, reflect that mask back to them. The perfect mirrored reflection of beauty and adoration.
And then one day, that mask cracks. You remember the moment.. The moment when you look in their eyes and you KNOW the truth about them. The moment you recognize the pathological lies, the deception, the manipulation, the con. The game is up.
And from that moment on, your relationship with the sociopath is forever changed. This moment happened for me when”¦after middle of the night phone calls to his house and cell phone”¦I looked into his eyes and I KNEW. I knew he was having an affair, and that he was a liar. A year’s worth of investigation (yes, obsessing) has confirmed that nearly everything he told me was a lie.
From that point forward, the cruelty begins. Name-calling. Shouting. Out-of-control rage. Accusations of what you have”¦and have not done for them. Assaults on your character. Disparaging remarks. Outright slander. Saying horrible things about you to everyone who will listen. The smear campaign begins in full force.
Once the mask slips, you have a full view of who the sociopath actually is. Nothing is hidden from you anymore. They are the most hateful person you have ever encountered.
I equate the mask with a coin”¦beautiful, golden, intricately detailed and engraved on one side, and the cheapest, molten metal, with indistinguishable or hideous features on the other.
I thought my sociopath had a brain tumor. I couldn’t comprehend how someone who had seemingly been so kind, generous, and thoughtful”¦seemingly a “knight in shining armor”, turned into such a dark knight—instantaneously. Heartless. Cold. Unfeeling. Unsympathetic. Lying. Cheating. Berating. Chillingly frightening. Brrr.
After the mask cracks and you see their naked hatred, they become vengeful. It is as if they become your mortal enemy; even though you still love them and may try to salvage the relationship. And then they usually become cowardly. If you try to expose them, they will use every amount of charm and conning in their power to figuratively and verbally disarm you. (They are very good at this; they have a lifetime of practice).
They will attempt to dissemble your character piece-by-piece. They will not allow you to confront them with the truth; it is almost as if they become fearful of you and will try to retaliate against you with every piece of personal information they have garnered about you. Oh yes, and they will project upon you the very things that they are doing (and which you are innocent of). And they will tell unimaginable lies about you”¦that you are vile, manipulative, conning, vindictive, lying, and of course, crazy. Some of these whoppers are so monstrous that they can even ruin relationships you’ve had with family members and close friends. Everything is your fault, and they are the victim.
It is important to realize that just because you have seen their “true” self, they can still be extremely adept at keeping their mask intact for others. I have seen my sociopath go from screaming at me to laughing and smiling while speaking to someone on the phone”¦within 30 seconds. But you will most likely never see that initial charm again”¦unless there is something very specific they want from you.
And generally it is a very short time after you see their true self, no longer a reflection of beauty and adoration, that they will leave you. Or perhaps they already have their victim lined up. Because the sociopath cannot tolerate seeing their imperfections through your eyes. They will begin the romance phase, and once again have adoration from their next target. And the next. Then the one after that.
It is an awakening moment, when the mask slips. You are witnessing humanity at its very worst. (If they can be deemed “human—¦I prefer to think of them as aliens).
No matter how attractive you initially thought they were, a sociopath is actually very, very ugly…beneath the mask.
Peggy….you nailed it. The ONLY good that comes is from the unveiling of the mirror mask. It brings us closer to ourselves and closer to our tribe. Thank you sister!
Thank you for the welcome Indigoblue.
After the mask cracked for me a little while back and I gave my “S” the boot from my house(for the umpteenth time)but this time I meant it. I endured name calling, blame, I was evil, blah blah blah! I then get a phone call from the next unsuspecting friend that she was now living with saying how much my “S” loved me and she really cared for me. They are co workers and my ex “S” is the epitomy of gold at her workplace. I told the co worker that she was living with two people……the person she is to her that she sees and the other person she was to me,which she would never see. Of course she didnt understand. Now that it is close to Christmas and my ex”S” knew that I buy early and that my b-day is christmas eve she contacted me tonight through text saying “I dont think it’s fair that we wont be together for your bday and xmas. Can we talk about that? Ive been through so many emotions with you and this one tops it. Im not angry Im hurt.” Then she text, did I leave my such and such shirt there and this pair of earrings,etc . HMMM what was I gonna do? I did have her a Christmas present and it kind of had a different meaning for me because her mother has had breast cancer and the present I got her was not only what she had wanted but part of the proceeds went to help in research for breast cancer. I text her back and said ” Yes I have your stuff, you can pick it up at 6:00pm tonight. At 5:30pm I put it all in a bag on the front porch(including her xmas present) she then text me about 5:55 and said she was almost to my house. I text her back and said “Great! I left your stuff on the front porch cuz im not at home right now. but i watched as she angrily stomped up the sidewalk and picked up her goods and squealed out of the driveway(lol) At 6:01pm I get another text that said..”You got your wish, cant argue with your lies u told. Would have left your b-day gifts thats in my back seat but you probably wouldnt accept them. Merry Christmas little girl” then at 8:00pm I get another text that said. “My tears are flowing, ur a heartbreaker. OK I got it. U want me to leave you…ur door just closed.” I think I handled that situation pretty well cuz God knows I wanted to see her. Was I too mean? Was I wrong in wanting to see her squirm? How would have any of you guys handled the situation? Love ya all
anetsu
No you can’t be Frank enough , or Blunt enough , All their words and actions are just an act , their play , to lure you back into chaos!
I still want to get my P a present! Because I Love Him! BUT the Present has already been given! I told him what He IS! LOVE JJ
Anetsu:
I would have handled it exactly the way you did. The goal is to protect yourself and NC.
When I kicked S out 8 weeks ago, I remember he glanced into my living room and this wierd little smile played across his face.
After I closed the door I walked into the living room and it dawned on me why he was smiling — there were things of his in there and I realized he had already decided that these things were going to be his foot back in the door.
A few days later he emailed me and asked regarding these things. I emailed them back, told him they would be available for pickup with my doorman after 5PM on Friday.
I get back another email saying that certain things needed to be disassembled just so and packed. I told him he mistook me for “Mayflower White Glove Movers” but that I had packed them carefully and if he wanted to check them in advance of picking them up, I would leave them with my doorman along with bubble wrap and tape and he could repack them himself.
I made sure I wasn’t in town that weekend. I came home and he hadn’t picked them up. So, we went down the path again. This time I told him if they weren’t picked up, I was tossing them. He showed up when I was gone and took the things.
What I realized about this whole episode was that it was all about control. Even when you say it’s over, in their minds it’s not over until THEY say it’s over. Hence the crazy stalking, hangup calls, etc.
And don’t worry about hurting them. We have all spent far too much energy, time, money etc trying to make them happy. Once you decide to get rid of a S, it’s all about you. View it as bringing balance back to your life and the universe.
” View it as bringing balance back to your life and the universe.”
Matt, You are so right. I think you handled the issue of his possessions exactly right.
I still struggle with fending off well meaning people who don’t understand Sociopaths, and think the S and I have merely had a misunderstanding. Since I can’t tell well educated adults that they’re “naive, gullible and blind”, I have to wade through a social minefield to maintain NC.
The Mask of a Sociopath is so easily accepted in Christian circles. The S acts charming, pretends bewilderment over why his target won’t “forgive” him, and everyone accepts his/her lies at face value. The dupes seem to accept the cognitive dissonance defined by the S simultaneously claiming to have done nothing wrong and expecting to be forgiven. You’d think they’d be bothered by this disparity, but I guess not.
I recall occasions in my life when I’ve accidentally exacerbated other targets problems with S’s, and I realize that it’s so easy to be fooled. I’m grateful for the education the two most recent cluster Bs have forced me to acquire. I hope they’ve made me a better person, if a warier one.
Maybe the next time an S is operating near me, I’ll be aware of what’s going on and better able to help.
Elizabeth: I don’t know which religious folks you are speaking about … but, everyone I know that believes in God left their churches 30-40 years ago due to anti-socials not being put in their place (which place that is … is individual). That’s the big issue for the last 40-50 years with many people … seeing too much nonsense going down in the church setting and elders in the churches just turning their backs on the faithful and protecting the anti-socials…. bringing up issues having to do with “Christian brotherly LOVE”, thou shalt not judge, least ye be judged! Yes, we should love everyone whatever their conditions should be … Yes, we shouldn’t judge … and yes, their feet run to do evil … so stay away from them, for they are death …. death to your soul! Anyone can quote scriptures to wrangle it the way they want … it’s reading all the scriptures and put them in sequence is when you jump ship from the church that refuses to stand up for the righteous … and find yourself another church that will have the guts to stand up to the anti-socials. Yes, they can attend church, just don’t take over the congregation with your baloney nonsense!
Peace.
Wini,
You’re lucky to have fallen in with such an aware group. As you say, they’ve had personal experience with anti-social personality disordered people. That makes all the difference.
Most congregations are blind to the troubles their S/P/Ns are causing. You and yours are a blessing. Keep providing sanctuary to those who have become aware.
I thought it was a good thing that a particular S was attending church. I thought the good qualities of the people in the church would rub off on him. Instead, his nasty habits rubbed off on them. If key people in the church aren’t aware of the social dynamics S/P/Ns use to manipulate congregations, havoc results.
Like you, I think the S/P/Ns of the world should be in church, but pastors should know how to recognize a P/S/N smoke screen when it’s choking them!
NOt sure where I should post this, but here goes…life has taken a unexpected and shocking twist, my car was smashed open and burnt last night…Today bumped in to the mad man in the shop with my daughter, he chased me around and staff had to take me out in to the office, they told me he was pacing and huffing and puffing outside waiting, they agreed to let me out the backway, as they did there he is, screaming, baby crying for him and him threatening and name calling…
had to run back in shop and they called police, stupidly went out to reason with him to prevent a scene, he was wild, so I left him to it.
Police came and spoke to him, I made good my escape and was then accosted myself by other officers, they were all sympathetic to him, saying look she wants to see him, its christmas, they took the baby over to him and he spent five mins talking to her, bought her sweets and then said you know dad wants to see you…playing with her head. I pointed out to the officer he was told to see a solicitor re access and that he had been notified of this, he called me a liar even though he was served the papers by the bailiff….I said swear on the baby’s life and he did.
I said sod this Im off, go through courts…he said ok but smiled at me in away which i know means like hell!!
Now barracading more than it was already and scared to go out of the door, know this is not the last of it, and when the drink is flowing over christmas I anticipate agro..
My sister in law reccons he is so unstable…she has always seen through him…that he the kind to run off and kill himself and the baby….I am shaking with fear and shor tempered to the kids now as I wait for god knows what..
Muldoon,
What country do you live in?
You need advice that is consistant with the law of the land.
That being said – Follow these people’s instructions, then relax as much as possible.
http://www.nononsenseselfdefense.com/stalking.html
You must calm down, because if you remain at a fever pitch emotionally you will not sleep properly or think straight. You’ll make mistakes, and one of those mistakes will be coming across as histrionic. You need to present yourself as the reasonable party to police, courts and solicitors. You also need to be the kind of parent you want to be, particularly now that your kids are under stress.
What the police did was out of line. You need a restraining order. Learn what it’s called in your current location, and what it takes to get one. No matter where you are, there are women’s groups that can and will help you.
Connect with one pronto:
American Domestic Violence Crisis Line
3300 N.W. 185th Street, Suite 133
Portland, OR 97229
Phone: (503) 203-1444
Toll-free: 1-866-USWOMEN (International Crisis Line)
http://www.866uswomen.org
Organization dedicated to assisting American women living overseas victimized by domestic violence. Outreach, safety planning, extensive support services, general info on domestic violence at website.
Arugaan ng Kalakasan
45 Maalalahanin St.
Teachers Village
Quezon City, Philippines
Phone: (02) 921-8013/928-7774
Arugaan ng Kalakasan is a SEC-registered NGO providing services for battered women and mobilizing the community to action against domestic violence.
British Columbia Institute Against Family Violence (Canada)
74640 Kitsilano RPO
Vancouver, BC V6K 4P4
Phone: (604) 669-7055
Toll-free: 1-877-755-7055
Toll-free (BC only): 1-800-563-0808
http://www.bcifv.org
Canadian National Clearinghouse on Family Violence
Family Violence Prevention Unit
Public Health Agency of Canada
200 Eglantine Dr.
Ottawa, ON I9O 9D1
Phone: (613) 957-2938
TTY Toll-free: 1-800-561-5643
Toll-free: 1-800-267-1291
http://www.hc-sc.gc.ca/hppb/familyviolence/
The NCFV is a national resource centre for all Canadians seeking information about violence within the family, including spouse/partner abuse, child abuse, and elder abuse.
Domestic Violence and Incest Resource Centre
292 Wellington Street
Collingwood 3066
Victoria, Australia
Phone: (03) 9486-9866
TTY: (03) 9417-1255
home.vicnet.net.au/~dvirc/
Information and referral to local services for domestic violence victims, the children of domestic violence victims, and victims of intrafamiliar sexual abuse, throughout Australia.
Institute on Violence, Abuse and Trauma at Alliant International University
10065 Old Grove Rd.
San Diego, CA 92131
Phone: (858) 527-1860 x 4160
http://www.ivatcenters.org
International Family Violence Prevention Fund
383 Rhode Island Street, Suite 304
San Francisco, CA 94163-5133
Phone: (415) 252-8900
TTY Toll-free: 1-800-595-4889
http://www.endabuse.org
Muslim Women’s Help Line
Unit 3, 1st Floor
GEC Estate, East Lane
Glasgow, UK
Phone: 0808 801 0301
Hotline for Muslim women and girls in the U.K. dealing with domestic violence, sexual abuse, and other problems.
National Domestic Violence Hotline (Canada)
Toll-free: 1-800-363-9010
All provinces. Bilingual (English & French).
National Organization of Battered Women’s Shelters (Sweden)
ROKS, Hornsgatan 66
118 21 Stockholm, Sweden
Phone: 08-422 99 30
http://www.roks.se
Northern Ireland Women’s Aid Federation
129 University Street
Belfast BT7 1HP
Phone: (028) 90 249041
Helpline: (0800) 9171414
http://www.niwaf.org
24-hour helpline for domestic violence victims. Support and information, referrals to refuges, counseling, and services for children.
Nottelefon Zurich
Phone: 044 291 46 46
http://www.frauenberatung.ch
(Pages available in German, English, French, Spanish & Italian) Counseling by phone and in person, free referrals to doctors and legal advisors, for women dealing with sexual harassment or abuse, or exploitation by therapists, doctors, ministers, at work or home.
Provincial Association of Transition Houses of Saskatchewan (P.A.T.H.S.)
1940 McIntyre Street
Regina, SK S4P 2R3
Phone: (306) 522-3515
http://www.abusehelplines.org
P.A.T.H.S. is a non-profit organization comprised of safe houses, shelters, transition and interval houses throughout Saskatchewan for women and children victimized by family violence. The Hot Peach Pages provide links to hotlines, shelters, legal and general info on family violence for Saskatchewan, and throughout Canada.
Scottish Women’s Aid
2nd floor
132 Rose St.
Edinburgh EH2 3JD
United Kingdom
Phone: 0131 475 2372
24-hour helpline: 0800 027 1234
http://www.scottishwomensaid.co.uk
Support and information, referrals to refuges, counseling, and services for children.
Selbsthilfe – Missbrauch
http://www.selbsthilfe-missbrauch.de
A German language website for those recovering from child abuse and domestic violence; includes resources, chat, message forum, web-journal, and links.
Women Against Violence Europe (WAVE)
c/o Austrian Women’s Shelter Network
Bacherplatz 10/ 4
1050 Vienna
Austria
Phone: 01-5482720
http://www.wave-network.org
Refuges, hotlines, education, counseling throughout Europe.
(also see: European Info Centre Against Violence; an online searchable database of European organizations and resources maintained by WAVE.)
Women’s Aid Federation of England
P.O. Box 391
Bristol B599 7WS, England
Phone: 0117 944 4411
Freephone: 0808 2000 247
http://www.womensaid.org.uk
Women’s Resource Info/Support Centre (Australia)
119 Lyons Street N.
Ballant 3350 Australia
Phone: (03) 53 333 666
wrisc.ballarat.net.au
Outreach, support, local referrals throughout Australia, downloadable publications, free lending library.
World-Wide List of Domestic Abuse Agencies
http://www.hotpeachpages.net
Global inventory of hotlines, shelters, refuges, crisis centres and women’s organizations, searchable by country, plus index of domestic violence resources in over 70 languages.