By Peggywhoever
All sociopaths wear a mask. The mask of kindness. The mask of generosity. The mask of romance. The mask of attraction. The mask of intimacy. The mask of seduction. And so on.
This is what reels us in. The pretense. The acting. The mask. The mask of perfection. And we, in our infinite loving goodness, reflect that mask back to them. The perfect mirrored reflection of beauty and adoration.
And then one day, that mask cracks. You remember the moment.. The moment when you look in their eyes and you KNOW the truth about them. The moment you recognize the pathological lies, the deception, the manipulation, the con. The game is up.
And from that moment on, your relationship with the sociopath is forever changed. This moment happened for me when”¦after middle of the night phone calls to his house and cell phone”¦I looked into his eyes and I KNEW. I knew he was having an affair, and that he was a liar. A year’s worth of investigation (yes, obsessing) has confirmed that nearly everything he told me was a lie.
From that point forward, the cruelty begins. Name-calling. Shouting. Out-of-control rage. Accusations of what you have”¦and have not done for them. Assaults on your character. Disparaging remarks. Outright slander. Saying horrible things about you to everyone who will listen. The smear campaign begins in full force.
Once the mask slips, you have a full view of who the sociopath actually is. Nothing is hidden from you anymore. They are the most hateful person you have ever encountered.
I equate the mask with a coin”¦beautiful, golden, intricately detailed and engraved on one side, and the cheapest, molten metal, with indistinguishable or hideous features on the other.
I thought my sociopath had a brain tumor. I couldn’t comprehend how someone who had seemingly been so kind, generous, and thoughtful”¦seemingly a “knight in shining armor”, turned into such a dark knight—instantaneously. Heartless. Cold. Unfeeling. Unsympathetic. Lying. Cheating. Berating. Chillingly frightening. Brrr.
After the mask cracks and you see their naked hatred, they become vengeful. It is as if they become your mortal enemy; even though you still love them and may try to salvage the relationship. And then they usually become cowardly. If you try to expose them, they will use every amount of charm and conning in their power to figuratively and verbally disarm you. (They are very good at this; they have a lifetime of practice).
They will attempt to dissemble your character piece-by-piece. They will not allow you to confront them with the truth; it is almost as if they become fearful of you and will try to retaliate against you with every piece of personal information they have garnered about you. Oh yes, and they will project upon you the very things that they are doing (and which you are innocent of). And they will tell unimaginable lies about you”¦that you are vile, manipulative, conning, vindictive, lying, and of course, crazy. Some of these whoppers are so monstrous that they can even ruin relationships you’ve had with family members and close friends. Everything is your fault, and they are the victim.
It is important to realize that just because you have seen their “true” self, they can still be extremely adept at keeping their mask intact for others. I have seen my sociopath go from screaming at me to laughing and smiling while speaking to someone on the phone”¦within 30 seconds. But you will most likely never see that initial charm again”¦unless there is something very specific they want from you.
And generally it is a very short time after you see their true self, no longer a reflection of beauty and adoration, that they will leave you. Or perhaps they already have their victim lined up. Because the sociopath cannot tolerate seeing their imperfections through your eyes. They will begin the romance phase, and once again have adoration from their next target. And the next. Then the one after that.
It is an awakening moment, when the mask slips. You are witnessing humanity at its very worst. (If they can be deemed “human—¦I prefer to think of them as aliens).
No matter how attractive you initially thought they were, a sociopath is actually very, very ugly…beneath the mask.
I saw the N have an odd tantrum that seemed like a psychotic episode, except that it lasted for a short while. It was odd to see a “church leader” staring out into space and letting out a steady stream of disjointed curses, all without a change in cadance or facial expression. The weirdest part about it was how his devotees reacted. They just stood around pretending they couldn’t hear or see him.
I noticed. It really creeped me out, and it scared my young daughter half to death. This bizarre fit occurred a few moments after he accidentally revealed to me that he’d been siphoning money out of the ministry. He had been trying to terrorize me with a group breaking session, because he thought I already knew he’d been stealing. I wasn’t as intimidated by the tactic as he had hoped. The hectoring remarks he made contained clues that led me to logically conclude what he’d done. The sudden knowledge must have been transparent on my face. He reacted as if I’d struck him, even though I said and did nothing to reveal my thoughts. I left the room, and the odd episode began.
I’ve got a lot of sympathy for this guy. I don’t think he’s evil, but I understand why a less sophisticated culture would describe someone like him as being under the influence of demons. Most of the time he’s Mr. Suave and Charming. Rock his boat, and he acts out, to say the least. His devotees are downright spooky.
As I said earlier, I’m convinced Narissists suffer a great deal of pain. It’s true they lack empathy, but they feel horrible shame, and are crushed by the slightest hint folks are fed up with their shenanigans.
Ns should be extended mercy whenever possible.
I wish I’d known about NPD before I’d met him. He was a textbook case. I could have handled things a lot better if I had figured out what was wrong before that awful moment when I discoved he’d been misappropriating ministry funds. I never would have rocked his boat if I had known about his disorder. I’d have quietly slipped away long, long before that awful moment.
Hey, I know that look too! Several times late at night while in bed, my ex would spring up in a sitting position and gaze off for a moment or two and then turn his head toward me with this look as though he were possessed and say something bizarre to attack me. Like, “what did you wear to work today?” “I want to see.” “Put it on.” And proceed to accuse me of trying to dress nice to attract men at work. Other times, he would just say nothing at all, just gaze off. Then go out into the living room and sit on the couch all night til dawn. He would say, “I need to be alone for awhile.” I would tell him I think he has demons that have a hold on him. I was not joking.
Sorry, one more thing.
I also relate to everything eyeswideshut said, everything Elizabeth Conely said and Oxdrover as well. ALL are things I experienced with him. I recently agreed to talk to a reporter for a local magazine who was doing a story on Domestic abuse. All the other women were physically abused. When the editor called back to confirm some of the info I felt the reported did not get it…she did not understand as she miss quoted me by saying he would get ferious when you packed a soft apple in his luch. I said no he would say “YOU PACKED A SOFT APPLE IN MY LUNCH” she then said ok…he would yell..I again said..NO you do not get it. He did not have to yell, it was the inflection in his voice, it was his body posture, it was the “look in his eye’s”. The reporter also used this statement “he morfed into the devil incarnate”. I was very upset when I read this. When a friend asked why I said he will be ferious if he thinks “I” said that. I did not say that. Shen then asked If I described the insident the same way I had told her. I said yes…she said Molly when you described the incident to me I thought the samething she said. She said what you still do not have the courage to say.
He did not have to hit, he did not have to yell…I just knew better. One day “his mask” slipped off/or did he take it off. He went crazy…he lost it…I could never ever look at him the same. Did he let it fall off on purpose to scare me away? Was it because I started saying no, I won’t let you treat me that way. ?
Molly
Dear Molly,
They do not like it when we defy them in the least way. It is all about CONTROL. Ownership even. We are possessions.
I am so glad that you are back here reading and learning and posting. If you haven’t read every article in the archives, start today to read them all. For starters just read the articles and then if you have time go back and read the blogs. Learning about them and about ourselves (what makes us let them do this to us) will help you heal, Molly. It takes TIME and we can’t rush it, but in the end, you will be a better and stronger person and not so vulnerable to the next one that comes along. You need to be GOOD to yourself, Molly. (((hugs))) God Bless.
Okay. I am a loving person. I have given my life to helping others professionally. BUT ”..when I read this article I CRINGED. I clearly am not a psychopath, but when the gig was finally up, when I had hurt and hurt and hurt”..I told him off in two emails. And yes, I had vengeful thoughts against him! And I see where he would say that *I* retaliated against HIM with every piece of personal information I had garnered about him (like the other women he love bomb and dumped, all the lies he bragged about), that I said he was manipulative, accused him of sexual assault after the fact, accused him of emotional rape”.and he would say it was all lies. (I blocked his responses, so I don’t know what he said actually.) Because like many date rapists, (though he was a rapist of my emotions, my heart, my soul) he really doesn’t think he did anything that bad!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That is one thing that makes all this with them so damn frustrating and confusing. They are masters at projection. And then to top it off, to confront EVIL, you end up looking like you are the evil one, that his projections are correct. YOU are the one straight out saying “You are horrible, look at what you did!—..and so YOU look like the mean, awful one! ARGHHH!!!! Especially if your P is one who always has the nice guy mask on, always covers his rear, a Thomas Crown type of P. ARGGHHHH!!! And for a minute, when I read this post I thought”oh my god, I’ve become one! But no”..I was just speaking truth, UGLY TRUTH, to power, which is a lot different! And it sure didn’t happen suddenly, I kept giving him chance after chance after chance after chance”.
Hi All-
My one-year anniversary is coming up. Christmas Day last year, my Ex-P finally took his mask completely off after 10 years. Since then, I went into severe depression. Now I am on antidepressant, I am getting better. I am very fortunate to have a counselor who knows antisocial personality disorder very well. Through counseling, I found that my own family was very toxic. My father is an N but not P and my mother is an enabler. I have been in NC with my own family. Since they are thousands miles away, it is not that hard. However, this made me very sad, because I feel I am literally alone in this world.
My sheltie puppy is my only family. In a way, it was shocking to know that my puppy has healthier self-esteem than I do. When she encounters a bully dog, initially she would try to be friendly. After a few trails, if this dog is still mean, my puppy just ignores the dog. She does not take any sort of abuse. I realized the power of unconditional love. She was truly loved. That I did not get from my parents.
For a long time, I felt my life was a completely failure. My private life was so miserable. Now, I do not think so. My life is no less valuable than other happy people’s. I survived two Ns (looking back, my first boyfriend was an N) and my ex-P. Despite my miserable private life (LOL!), I am doing OK in my career so far. I came to North America alone 11 years ago and now I have permanent residency and own a condo.
I have just started thinking the following way. If there is any reason why I had to suffer life-long pains those N/P/enabler caused, it is just because a purpose of my life is to help others, especially young kids. I really do not anyone to go through the hell I experienced in my life.
The other day, my counselor told me “Chaos, you are the only one here I can discuss psychopathy with”. He has been trying to educate the public about P/N, but it has been very frustrating. I told him, “Maybe we can work together in the future, because I am very interested in genetics of psychopathy.”
I am a geneticist. When I was preparing for my upcoming lectures, I encountered quite a few papers on the molecular genetics of mental disorders. We now have technologies to identify some chromosome regions that have a significant association with autism, schizophrenia, etc. I am certain if this type of genetic research is done on psychopathy, the results will definitely give us a clearer picture of this disorder.
At this point, one thing I can do is to educate young kids. Next year, I would like to include “genetics of psychopathy” in my lecture. If it is hard to cure psychopathy, then we need to educate the public. Avoid Ps! If our society becomes P-resistant, we could reduce P-victims! Eventually, Ps cannot easily spread P genes!
In the long run, another thing we could possibly do is fund raising to fund research on psychopathy. Without money, scientists cannot do research. We, survivors, know so much what needs to be done, so we would make good grant reviewers!
Anyway, this is just my dream. Yes, I can dream again!
Chaos: Good that you got through to the level of hope again. Hope is allowing you to dream and feel good about yourself.
I don’t think we will ever have a perfect world as far as abuse is concerned. But, I do feel that others that know this pain can help and guide new survivors through the horrific stages to healing … and then eventually having a beautiful life again.
I don’t think we will ever forget. But, we can forgive. Forgive because that is what we are suppose to do as humans. Forgive our fellow man … for we don’t know all the answers to life. Only God knows… and we must trust in God when he tells us in scriptures to do something.
Peace. I’m glad you are putting your life back together.
justabouthealed: We hear you. You are not alone.
Here’s a site that can help sooth you from the pain. Any time you need a pick me up, I’d go back and view it.
http://www.pathways-to-peace.com
View the presentation. Turn your speakers on ” let the presentation load ” then make sure you click volume “ON” in the lower left corner.
In case you need to print out the presentation, I wrote them down below. I printed them and taped them all over my house.
——————————————————
PEACE
“Blessed are the peacemakers,
for they shall be called the children of God.”
– Matthew 5:9
INTEGRITY
“Integrity is one of several paths ”
It distinguishes itself from the others
because it is the right path
and the only one upon which you will never get lost.”
– M. H. McKee
JOY
“Is the site of the blue skies ”
fills you with joy,
if the simple things of nature
have a message that you understand,
rejoice for your soul is alive.”
– Eleonora Duse
KINDNESS
“Kindness is the language
which the deaf can hear
and the blind can see.”
– Mark Twain
FAITH
“Faith is the strength by which a shattered world
shall emerge into the light.”
– Helen Keller
COURAGE
“This is courage ”
to bear unflinchingly
what heaven sends.”
– Euripedes
HOPE
“Hope is faith
holding out its hand
in the dark.”
– George Iles
LOVE
“I have found the paradox
that if I love until it hurts,
then there is no hurt,
but only more love.”
– Mother Teresa
CHARITY
“We must not only give what we have,
We must also give what we are.”
– Desire Joseph Mercier
PATIENCE
“Never think that God’s delays
are God’s denials.
Hold on, hold fast, hold out.
Patience is genius.”
– Comte Georges Louis LeCler deBuffon
DETERMINATION
“The great thing in this world
is not so much of where we are,
but in what direction we are moving.”
– Oliver Wendell Holmes
GRATITUDE
“A single grateful thought
raised to heaven
is the most perfect prayer.”
– Gotthold Ephraim Lessing
HUMILITY
“Pride is concerned with who is right.
Humility is concerned with what is right.”
– Ezra Taft Benson
FORGIVENESS
“forgiveness is the answer to the child’s dream of a miracle;
by which what is broken is made whole again,
what is soiled is again made clean.”
– Dag Hammarskjold
PEACE
“We must see that peace is not merely a distant goal we seek,
but it is a means by which we arrive at the goal ”
We must pursue peaceful ends,
through peaceful means.”
– Martin Luther King Jr.
chaos:
you’re a geneticist? wow, that’s cool.
i was heavy into physiopsychology in college. i have a question: do you think it’s possible for the brain to be normal, and then for stressors or emotional trauma to change its physiology to the point where the physical changes in the structure (or even chromosomal changes) can be measured and the illness therefore thought to be genetic as opposed to environmental?
that was my thesis. just curious what you think.
Chaos here are a couple of links to posts on here that have information and links to studies that may be of interest to you if you do not already have them:
http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2008/11/21/more-confusion-over-antisocial-personality-disorder-sociopathy-and-psychopathy/#comment-18924
http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2008/11/21/more-confusion-over-antisocial-personality-disorder-sociopathy-and-psychopathy/#comment-18925