By Peggywhoever
All sociopaths wear a mask. The mask of kindness. The mask of generosity. The mask of romance. The mask of attraction. The mask of intimacy. The mask of seduction. And so on.
This is what reels us in. The pretense. The acting. The mask. The mask of perfection. And we, in our infinite loving goodness, reflect that mask back to them. The perfect mirrored reflection of beauty and adoration.
And then one day, that mask cracks. You remember the moment.. The moment when you look in their eyes and you KNOW the truth about them. The moment you recognize the pathological lies, the deception, the manipulation, the con. The game is up.
And from that moment on, your relationship with the sociopath is forever changed. This moment happened for me when”¦after middle of the night phone calls to his house and cell phone”¦I looked into his eyes and I KNEW. I knew he was having an affair, and that he was a liar. A year’s worth of investigation (yes, obsessing) has confirmed that nearly everything he told me was a lie.
From that point forward, the cruelty begins. Name-calling. Shouting. Out-of-control rage. Accusations of what you have”¦and have not done for them. Assaults on your character. Disparaging remarks. Outright slander. Saying horrible things about you to everyone who will listen. The smear campaign begins in full force.
Once the mask slips, you have a full view of who the sociopath actually is. Nothing is hidden from you anymore. They are the most hateful person you have ever encountered.
I equate the mask with a coin”¦beautiful, golden, intricately detailed and engraved on one side, and the cheapest, molten metal, with indistinguishable or hideous features on the other.
I thought my sociopath had a brain tumor. I couldn’t comprehend how someone who had seemingly been so kind, generous, and thoughtful”¦seemingly a “knight in shining armor”, turned into such a dark knight—instantaneously. Heartless. Cold. Unfeeling. Unsympathetic. Lying. Cheating. Berating. Chillingly frightening. Brrr.
After the mask cracks and you see their naked hatred, they become vengeful. It is as if they become your mortal enemy; even though you still love them and may try to salvage the relationship. And then they usually become cowardly. If you try to expose them, they will use every amount of charm and conning in their power to figuratively and verbally disarm you. (They are very good at this; they have a lifetime of practice).
They will attempt to dissemble your character piece-by-piece. They will not allow you to confront them with the truth; it is almost as if they become fearful of you and will try to retaliate against you with every piece of personal information they have garnered about you. Oh yes, and they will project upon you the very things that they are doing (and which you are innocent of). And they will tell unimaginable lies about you”¦that you are vile, manipulative, conning, vindictive, lying, and of course, crazy. Some of these whoppers are so monstrous that they can even ruin relationships you’ve had with family members and close friends. Everything is your fault, and they are the victim.
It is important to realize that just because you have seen their “true” self, they can still be extremely adept at keeping their mask intact for others. I have seen my sociopath go from screaming at me to laughing and smiling while speaking to someone on the phone”¦within 30 seconds. But you will most likely never see that initial charm again”¦unless there is something very specific they want from you.
And generally it is a very short time after you see their true self, no longer a reflection of beauty and adoration, that they will leave you. Or perhaps they already have their victim lined up. Because the sociopath cannot tolerate seeing their imperfections through your eyes. They will begin the romance phase, and once again have adoration from their next target. And the next. Then the one after that.
It is an awakening moment, when the mask slips. You are witnessing humanity at its very worst. (If they can be deemed “human—¦I prefer to think of them as aliens).
No matter how attractive you initially thought they were, a sociopath is actually very, very ugly…beneath the mask.
Dear Muldoon,
Sometimes all it takes is a few words and I am glad that my words helped you see. Back years ago when I worked with the women from our local abuse shelter, I thought I was superior to them because I would never stand for a man to hit me, but I realized I was NO BETTER because I let my SON abuse me, and I realized how arrogant I had been, but I also saw so many women go back again and again because the man hooked them back in.
Someone wrote about staying in a shelter when she left her X and there were plaques on the walls and she asked about them, and they said “those are the women who left and went back that were killed by their men.” Keep that in your mind.
Not all of the Ps are killers or even woman beaters, but enough of them are that something like 52 or 3% of the women in the US murdered are killed by a husband or boyfriend or X. That’s a lot of dead women, and think what would happen to your kids? Your folks raise them for your old da to grope? YOU are so important and your health is so important for you to be there for your children, and to keep him away from them. If he is persistent it may be a fight a real fight.
There was a woman in the US who took her kids to Holland and lived until they grew up and has now been allowed to return home, but it was to keep her kids from being sexually molested by her x and the courts wouldn’t believe her or the kids.
Dr. Amy Castillo’s ex threatened to kill the kids to hurt her and she begged the courts not to let him have visitatin and sure enough, as soon as he got it he killed them.
I know I am painting HORROR STORIES but I want you to paint these pictures in your head to help you on lonely nights and frightened days. FEAR is a good thing in the right amounts. But don’t PANIC. There were times I would panic and I did some stupid things during those times, but it is important that you keep your wits about you. To be there for your kids and give them what they NEED not what they think they want. Your kids need you desperately right now and you need them. Hang tough Girlfriend, you have friends and supporters here at LF, and keep on reading! (((hugs))))
Muldoon,
You hang in there! As I have found there is great support on this blog. You will have to summon up some inner strength that you never knew you had. As everyone has had to do that knows what they are now up against. Everyone’s experiences are different and yours seems to be much more on the extreme side than mine has been. But know you are undersrtood here and have support. Much love and hugs
to give an update on my blog before last when i put my “s” stuff on the porch……well today she left a phone message for me to call her, she needed to talk to me about something. I ignored that. she then a lengthy email to my phone saying she wanted me to wake up in her arms on my b-day and Christmas and that I was the most important person in her life. Then she contradicted every plan she said she was going to pursue since I had kicked her out. I ignored that as well. I was sitting on my sunporch this evening and all of a sudden she walks through the door!!!! I had no where to go but confront her. She immediately started with the puppy dog eyes saying that we were just stubborn and I cut her off and said “NO I AM DONE WITH YOU” she didnt take that for an answer. I went inside and she followed me. She said cant you see how much I love you? I said no and took the stupid time to revisit for her everytime she lied to my face, cheated on me and then blamed me for her actions. Immediately she went into her mode of I have been here for you and i dont understand why you cant see that!! I said to her “You are a sociopath and you will never see it, this is normal for you. she then says….Look me in the eye and tell me you are done with me. Which I oblidged very quickly and told her she should leave. I could see the loss of control in her eyes and she followed me to three more rooms in the house asking the same question with my same answer everytime. She leaves(which I thought she did) then here she comes back in again. I escorted her back to the sunporch which is the back exit of my house. She was not keen to the idea that she didnt have control but she asked me one more time for me to tell her I was done with her. But she wanted me to stand right in front of her face to tell her and she pointed to a spot inches from her face. I said im good with my personal space right here which I am entitled to. then she points and says…right here. I said very angrily “IM GOOD WHERE I AM” Of course the crocodile tears start and my empathy I have to put at bay. I then said to her…”You know if you were a different person I would love to love you but I know who you are even if you don’t! Her tears are flowing even heavier now and she says ” I just need you to tell me you dont want me so I can move on. I stepped up to the space in front of her nose which I hadnt wanted to earlier and I very slowly said I DO NOT WANT YOU!!!! She acted like she was gonna die but it worked….she left. Im sure she is crying now on her new roommates shoulder that Iam so cruel blagh blah blah… but I did go back in the house and have my own little tearfest then i got on the blog which keeps everything in perspective. Happy Holidays to everyone> We deserve it!
anetsu:
good for you. i know how hard that was for you.
but her tears weren’t real (although i’m certain yours were), and she’s probably out right now manipulating someone who can still be manipulated.
know that you did the right thing.
a new year is at our doorstep … let’s allow it to enter with old baggage left outside.
peace to all.
Dear anetsu,
I noticed in your post that she was STILL trying to control you, telling you where to stand and waht to say. Then, still not taking “No” for an answer, then the pity play.
This is not the end, is my guess, she will keep on and keep on, turning up the pressure…it seems they always do.
They just have to have CONTROL and to be the one to do the dumping if there is any dumping done.
The serial killer Ted Bundy had a GF once that was “above him” (from a wealthy and connected family) and she dumped him when they were in college. Later, he made an effort to get back together with her and led her on, and as soon as she “fell for” him again, he DUMPED her immediately. He could not let the control be on her end, even YEARS LATER, he had to have the last word. She was extremely fortunate is my opinion.
Hang in there, you did the RIGHT thing, and it must have been tough. Good going!@.......
thanks lostingrief I hope my new year as a stronger person makes me a stronger person. Ive always had it under control myself but the last three years have proven that I can be soooooo blindsided. Im learning everyday. and in 15 minutes I am having my 21st anniversary of my 21st birthday!!!! Dang! im gettin old (LOL) All of a sudden the line “Im older and have more insurance” actually means something to me (tee hee snicker snicker) tawanda!!!!!!
OxDrover, you seem to have every second of the timepiece pegged when it comes to sociopaths and u are right. I also believe that she isnt done yet. But I still feel helpless at this point. I could call the cops when she shows up but thats not gonna help. thats what I want to do but the last two times ive called the police hasnt worked in my favor. Once i had kicked her out and her dog was still in my care (because she asked me to do so)because he has seizures and I had taken him to my vet and got him on the proper meds. we were at a mutual friends birthday party and she got mad because i didnt give her attention. before i got home she had sent me a message saying my key was on my step and she had gotten her dog. She stole my key out of my purse and came into my house…..the cops said there was no crime!!!! then the second time she beat me in the floor and my eye wasnt black yet and even though i called 911 I became the perpatrator. they let her stay in the house. and the next morning my eye was black and I purposely showed it to her and said im gonna press charges and left for work. I was arrested later because after i left she called 911 and said i had hit her!!!!! It took alot of money for a lawyer but when all records were produced the prosecution dropped all charges because they had nothing. I feel helpless with keeping her out of my house!!! because she just shows up! Any suggestions on the legal end? I cant get a restraining order because I “believe” she is a sociopath
This is to all: I write when my emotions get to me so this is what I have written and I want to share it.
What’s lost is lost
never to be regained
whats done is done
with or without the pain
so here I stand
knowing what I gave
my heart in my hand
not knowing from where it all came
I was down on my knees
before I could brace
the ax of deceit reared it’s ugly face
blow after blow
it beat me down
and when I got up
it struck again without a sound
down in the lies I struggled to breath
pushed under by excuses
and a very guilty need
I raised up again
knowing what to expect
but a new ax of power
came down on my neck
power I supplied
to a swinging lost soul
who’s own demons
for gain she sold
How can I be here?
I have to survive
what I do next
lets me live or die
I climb to the edge
and beg to be heard
and was helped out of the lies
by the guilty soul
I said my peace
and could breath once again
but evil casts shadows
and they pushed me in again
the evil and guilt
they danced and they danced
while I was drowning
they didnt give me a glance
They didnt see
my own soul arise
and pull me out
on the other side
They couldnt get to me
through their own traps
so they threw their blame
right into my lap
I fought and fought
till I got it under wraps
THEN I SHOWED IT TO THEM
they withdrew inside themselves
SO HERE I STAND
KNOWING WHAT I GAVE
My heart in my hand
noy knowing from where it all came
anetsu – that was profound – from the heart – you are a great writer – I wish I knew how to copy and paste – that is something i will have to write down and keep. Excuse me for asking as I don’t know your story but are you gay? I am a gay man and was involved with a guy for three years that almost killed me. He has been gone 9 months or so – time will help you more than anything. No contact is your only salvation. Thank you for sharing that beautiful painful poem.
Muldoon,
Your situation sounds like it has the potential to become very serious. Don’t be in denial about his potential to really harm you and your children. It’s sick how he is trying to manipulate your child… and it is also so typical.
There’s a good book called The Gift of Fear. The author is an expert at predicting which abusers will escalate to the point of harming another or… attempting to kill them.
I think I am correct in saying that most of our readers have had the mind bender kind of Sociopath’s but then again.. there may be many readers that have had violent abusers. I recently heard from the ex-wife for my former Bad Man and although he did not hit me, he did hit her. So sad… and sobering. Had I stayed, I know now what was coming. Like I said, don’t underestimate him.
I hope you find safety and peace this Christmas and in the year to come. Good Luck.. you will be in my prayers.
Aloha