By Peggywhoever
All sociopaths wear a mask. The mask of kindness. The mask of generosity. The mask of romance. The mask of attraction. The mask of intimacy. The mask of seduction. And so on.
This is what reels us in. The pretense. The acting. The mask. The mask of perfection. And we, in our infinite loving goodness, reflect that mask back to them. The perfect mirrored reflection of beauty and adoration.
And then one day, that mask cracks. You remember the moment.. The moment when you look in their eyes and you KNOW the truth about them. The moment you recognize the pathological lies, the deception, the manipulation, the con. The game is up.
And from that moment on, your relationship with the sociopath is forever changed. This moment happened for me when”¦after middle of the night phone calls to his house and cell phone”¦I looked into his eyes and I KNEW. I knew he was having an affair, and that he was a liar. A year’s worth of investigation (yes, obsessing) has confirmed that nearly everything he told me was a lie.
From that point forward, the cruelty begins. Name-calling. Shouting. Out-of-control rage. Accusations of what you have”¦and have not done for them. Assaults on your character. Disparaging remarks. Outright slander. Saying horrible things about you to everyone who will listen. The smear campaign begins in full force.
Once the mask slips, you have a full view of who the sociopath actually is. Nothing is hidden from you anymore. They are the most hateful person you have ever encountered.
I equate the mask with a coin”¦beautiful, golden, intricately detailed and engraved on one side, and the cheapest, molten metal, with indistinguishable or hideous features on the other.
I thought my sociopath had a brain tumor. I couldn’t comprehend how someone who had seemingly been so kind, generous, and thoughtful”¦seemingly a “knight in shining armor”, turned into such a dark knight—instantaneously. Heartless. Cold. Unfeeling. Unsympathetic. Lying. Cheating. Berating. Chillingly frightening. Brrr.
After the mask cracks and you see their naked hatred, they become vengeful. It is as if they become your mortal enemy; even though you still love them and may try to salvage the relationship. And then they usually become cowardly. If you try to expose them, they will use every amount of charm and conning in their power to figuratively and verbally disarm you. (They are very good at this; they have a lifetime of practice).
They will attempt to dissemble your character piece-by-piece. They will not allow you to confront them with the truth; it is almost as if they become fearful of you and will try to retaliate against you with every piece of personal information they have garnered about you. Oh yes, and they will project upon you the very things that they are doing (and which you are innocent of). And they will tell unimaginable lies about you”¦that you are vile, manipulative, conning, vindictive, lying, and of course, crazy. Some of these whoppers are so monstrous that they can even ruin relationships you’ve had with family members and close friends. Everything is your fault, and they are the victim.
It is important to realize that just because you have seen their “true” self, they can still be extremely adept at keeping their mask intact for others. I have seen my sociopath go from screaming at me to laughing and smiling while speaking to someone on the phone”¦within 30 seconds. But you will most likely never see that initial charm again”¦unless there is something very specific they want from you.
And generally it is a very short time after you see their true self, no longer a reflection of beauty and adoration, that they will leave you. Or perhaps they already have their victim lined up. Because the sociopath cannot tolerate seeing their imperfections through your eyes. They will begin the romance phase, and once again have adoration from their next target. And the next. Then the one after that.
It is an awakening moment, when the mask slips. You are witnessing humanity at its very worst. (If they can be deemed “human—¦I prefer to think of them as aliens).
No matter how attractive you initially thought they were, a sociopath is actually very, very ugly…beneath the mask.
Henry,
Yes I am gay. just right click,cover what you want to copy and paste wherever you want it to go. you can contact me at anetsu@insightbb.com best wishes
it’s Christmas eve!!!!!! so to everyone…..merry merry christmas! the gift you have received in taking back your life is better than any wrapped gift you can get. Thanks to everyone on this blog that has given me strength, knowledge, and courage to stand up for me! kudos!!! MUUAGGHHHH!!!!
No matter how confused, self doubting or ambivilant we are about whats happening in our interactions with other people, we can never entirely silence the inner voice that always tells us the truth. We may not like the sound of the truth, and we often let it murmur just outside our conscience, not stopping long enough to listen. But when we pay attention to it, it leads us toward wisdom, health and clarity. That voice is the guardian of our integrity. – Susan Forward, Ph.D.
MY god i could have written that myself…wish i had found you all years ago when his mask slipped…so the tatack and character assasination is it to detract from the real problem …them? or is it how they truly feel?
As the ex-wife of a still un-diagnosed sociopath, would you have any suggestion on how to deal with the Courts. The NJ Courts have demanded that I “MAKE” my children visit with their father. My son, now 18yrs old, has finally reached an age where he can legally make his own decision regarding visitation. So, on that note, I’m getting a break. However, my younger daughter (14yrs old) is (according to the judge) still not allowed to make her own decisions regarding visitation. Both children have refused any contact with him. They will not visit him, answer his phone calls or respond to his phone messages. When he takes me to court on the matter (at least once a year), he paints a picture of me “not allowing” the kids to talk to him. That’s totally untrue. I leave it up to them as being THEIR choice. Neither child wants anything to do with him. Recently I was ordered by the court to take my daughter for “Reunification Therapy”. I was given 2 doctors names and then told (in so many words) that “I had to pay for the Therapy either out-of-pocket or thru my insurance”. In addition to that ridiculous ruling, the judge then LOWERED my child support amount from $238 per week to $42 per week (for 2 children)…a total of $196 per week lost to him so he could drink more than he already does! I guess that was my punishment for not “forcing” my children to see their dad. Shortly after that latest court order, I lost my job and have been unemployed and without health insurance for almost 6 months. With the $800+ drop in my childsupport income, I am now starting to fall behind on my mortgage and car payments. I have basically decided that i am just NOT doing what the court order says (his usual game). They can jail me for contempt if they want…I WON’T do it anymore. My children’s safety and well-being is my priority. If I have to do time, I’ll do it. While I need the money very BAAAAD, my children are so relaxed, happy and content because they don’t anticipate having to see him anymore. It’s something that I just can’t take away from them. What are your thoughts about what I might tell the judge next time I’m dragged back to court. I can’t afford a lawyer (especially not now) so I usually have to defend myself against him and his lawyer. Just an added note… My ex’s 3rd wife recently took her 2 children, left and filed for divorce. She is virtually homeless right now staying with different relatives from week to week. You would think that THAT MATTER alone would raise red flags to the Judge about this man’s character. Obviously not in this case. I thank everyone in advance for their comments.
jeanninelibutti-welcome. Wish I had good advice. For three years I have dealt with the domestic relations judicial policies in Indiana. The system, nationwide, seems to be into promoting equal parenting rights, and here separates parenting time and support as issues. My adult daughters have determined their own relationships, but my 13 year old is still “in between”.
It’s funny, not really, that judges have no concept of, or will not recognize, disordered personalities. During the divorce, I discussed with my attorney the presence of other men in my daughter’s life…and was told that unless they are convicted child molesters, I have no legal recourse.
I have dealt with my daughter’s discomfort at her mother’s, and also watched for my daughter’s manipulation of a tough situation for her.
In our state, in the legal code, a judge has no requirement to listen to the child’s wishes until age 14, and even then has no responsibilty to respond or act on it.
Your situation, all the way around, is worse than mine, as you deal with an S that appears to repeat the same patterns again and again, breaking families and paying less along the way.
I admire your courage, feel for your situation, and hope someone else can have better suggestions.
My thoughts and prayers are with you…
Jim
jeanninelibutti-if you haven’t already looked at them…there are categories on the left side of the blog site dealing with children and families, and the “Legal Abuse Syndrome” book featured on the right…by K. Huffer, might help. I haven’t bought it yet. Again, glad you’re here, sorry you feel the need to be…
Jim
Dear Jeannine,
I second Jim’s welcome here, and the suggestions he has. The book, the Legal Abuse Syndrome, is the PERFECT BOOK for you. I Just finished reading it for the 3rd time in 3 weeks, and it applies not only to the legal abuse you are suffering but the damage done to you by your x.
I am sorry that you “qualify” for “memebership” in our CLUB, but I am glad you “joined” because this is a very healing and supportive place. One of the things I think we do best here is to BELIEVE the tales of horror that you can I am sure tell (besides what you have already talked about) I know that you are frazzled, and your kids are too. Does the judge listen to these children? I’m not sure that you might not find some way to “comply” with the order, and any REASONABLE therapist might SEE what is going on.
I strongly suggest that you order the book and read it and then re-read it. I think it will validate what you are experiencing and also give you some techniques and direction in enduring this mess for another 4 years until your daughter turns 18. You know and I know that his ONLY interest in seeing his kids is to harass YOU and THEM. ((((hugs))))) and my prayers for you and your children.
Jeannine:
I am not licensed to practice in New Jersey, but the judge’s position seems wrong to me regarding children 14 years old not being able to make a decision.
Check out the New Jersey State Attorney General’s website and see if they have any opinions regarding the age children’s wishes are to be respected by the court. If there are not, contact the office and ask what the age is. Their responsibility is to render interpretations of New Jersey law, so they should be able to tell you what the correct age is.
Also, check out the New Jersey Bar Association’s web page, in particular the sections regarding children’s rights, matrimonial and family law.
You also might reach out to groups such as Catholic Charities which do a lot of work on behalf of children. At a minimum they can give you the names of organizations you might contact to find out the answers to your questions.
One bit of leverage you may have when you go into court. Since your financial circumstances have been reduced, I would go in and argue for an INCREASE in child support and a ruling dropping the “reunification therapy” (aka crock of crap). You may be able to use that prospect in some way against your ex – i.e. you won’t demand an increase in support if he drops the nonsense about forced visitation. I hate to sound cold, but dollars and cents seem to be one of the few effective weapons against these creatures.
Matt,
Have I told you lately how GLAD I am that you are here? If not, I just want you to know that I think you are the most wonderful A.S. S. I know (assertive suvivor of a sociiopath!) and I am glad you are here with your wonderful suggestions for places to get help for those that need it!!!! You are an ANGEL!!!! ((((hugs)))))