By Peggywhoever
All sociopaths wear a mask. The mask of kindness. The mask of generosity. The mask of romance. The mask of attraction. The mask of intimacy. The mask of seduction. And so on.
This is what reels us in. The pretense. The acting. The mask. The mask of perfection. And we, in our infinite loving goodness, reflect that mask back to them. The perfect mirrored reflection of beauty and adoration.
And then one day, that mask cracks. You remember the moment.. The moment when you look in their eyes and you KNOW the truth about them. The moment you recognize the pathological lies, the deception, the manipulation, the con. The game is up.
And from that moment on, your relationship with the sociopath is forever changed. This moment happened for me when”¦after middle of the night phone calls to his house and cell phone”¦I looked into his eyes and I KNEW. I knew he was having an affair, and that he was a liar. A year’s worth of investigation (yes, obsessing) has confirmed that nearly everything he told me was a lie.
From that point forward, the cruelty begins. Name-calling. Shouting. Out-of-control rage. Accusations of what you have”¦and have not done for them. Assaults on your character. Disparaging remarks. Outright slander. Saying horrible things about you to everyone who will listen. The smear campaign begins in full force.
Once the mask slips, you have a full view of who the sociopath actually is. Nothing is hidden from you anymore. They are the most hateful person you have ever encountered.
I equate the mask with a coin”¦beautiful, golden, intricately detailed and engraved on one side, and the cheapest, molten metal, with indistinguishable or hideous features on the other.
I thought my sociopath had a brain tumor. I couldn’t comprehend how someone who had seemingly been so kind, generous, and thoughtful”¦seemingly a “knight in shining armor”, turned into such a dark knight—instantaneously. Heartless. Cold. Unfeeling. Unsympathetic. Lying. Cheating. Berating. Chillingly frightening. Brrr.
After the mask cracks and you see their naked hatred, they become vengeful. It is as if they become your mortal enemy; even though you still love them and may try to salvage the relationship. And then they usually become cowardly. If you try to expose them, they will use every amount of charm and conning in their power to figuratively and verbally disarm you. (They are very good at this; they have a lifetime of practice).
They will attempt to dissemble your character piece-by-piece. They will not allow you to confront them with the truth; it is almost as if they become fearful of you and will try to retaliate against you with every piece of personal information they have garnered about you. Oh yes, and they will project upon you the very things that they are doing (and which you are innocent of). And they will tell unimaginable lies about you”¦that you are vile, manipulative, conning, vindictive, lying, and of course, crazy. Some of these whoppers are so monstrous that they can even ruin relationships you’ve had with family members and close friends. Everything is your fault, and they are the victim.
It is important to realize that just because you have seen their “true” self, they can still be extremely adept at keeping their mask intact for others. I have seen my sociopath go from screaming at me to laughing and smiling while speaking to someone on the phone”¦within 30 seconds. But you will most likely never see that initial charm again”¦unless there is something very specific they want from you.
And generally it is a very short time after you see their true self, no longer a reflection of beauty and adoration, that they will leave you. Or perhaps they already have their victim lined up. Because the sociopath cannot tolerate seeing their imperfections through your eyes. They will begin the romance phase, and once again have adoration from their next target. And the next. Then the one after that.
It is an awakening moment, when the mask slips. You are witnessing humanity at its very worst. (If they can be deemed “human—¦I prefer to think of them as aliens).
No matter how attractive you initially thought they were, a sociopath is actually very, very ugly…beneath the mask.
OxDrover:
Mucho gracias. Am feeling particularly relaxed after going for a 1 1/2 hour massage. Not quite as wonderful as the ones I had in Mexico, but at least I can move my neck — please note I said move, not spin my head around like the S could.
WOW! I am envious! My sons and I take turns giving each other massages, and we have gotten fairly good at them, not professional of course, but it does help with the muscle tension. Glad you got a nice massage and can turn your neck again (and AM glad that you don’t have the usual lawyer’s ability to spin your head around like the S’s) ha ha I just finished a 3rd rereading of Legal Abuse Syndrome and boy does that make the hair stand up on your head! The back of your neck and everywhere else….but of course I guess you know all about how the legal system SHOULD work but doesn’t work very often! I sometimes feel the same way about the medical profession and the medical system as well. Scares the heck out of me! LOL
If you haven’t read that book you really do need to read it! Besides some stuff about the legal profession and court sytems, it is MOSTLY ABOUT HEALING and RECOVERY and there are some very good points in there about the process that are and have not been mentioned specifically on LF. I think it might be right down your alley! Have a good rest of the day!
I was meant to see this article! Wow…you must’ve been with the same man I was with? Amazingly accurate of my experience with my S. I actually rec’d a post from his new g’friend who found me on FAcebook. She “wanted me to know” what a terrific, wonderful man she has; she actually thanked me! I realize she was also being mean and vindictive; I used the NC rule on her too. After reading this article, I’d like to just write back and say “sit back, watch and wait; your turn will come”, but NC is better.
‘And generally it is a very short time after you see their true self’
This is so true, especially when we have learned to pay attention to the ‘warnings’.
XXOO
Yup!
WOW…JUST WOW. this is SO accurate it’s like reading my story with my socio husband. unreal the way you all tell these things. exactly!!! he left when i was nearly dead last year. i caught him cheating and he kept telling profuse lies. i realized EVERYTHING ALWAYS had been a lie. he turned evil at that moment and ran away, left me and my daughter he adopted one yr earlier. he hid at his parents, filed an order of protection against me (i was 74 lbs & on oxygen at home), had his parents file orders too because he made me out to be the bad guy & he of course the victim, and he filed divorce alleging i had done something to him within 2 wks of leaving me. never had this “precious, loving” man even uttered the word divorce. now when we speak he cusses and yells at me. he had NEVER done that before. so WOW…YES, this is it!
btw, i got a lot better after he left! no longer dying. INTERESTING how quick the turnaround…some suspect he was poisoning me. guess i’ll never know for sure. definitely psychological and sexual poisoning because i developed autoimmune diseases and cancer after our relationship began. he was sleeping with other women and then me in the same few hrs all the time. it made me so sick until he left. i am now federally disabled from it all. oh, and he left me with all the debt and i had to file bankruptcy too.
his parents pressed criminal charges against me for calling their house to try to speak to him… “harassment?” God only knows what garbage he told them. i went to jail weighing under 80 lbs and not understanding what the hell was happening. it’s so twisted. NOW i know EXACTLY what the deal is. i didn’t know then what i know now from reading about this. it’s amazing how many people don’t realize what a sociopath is…TERRIFYING!
hottoddy93:
We must’ve been seeing the same guy. Ha, they’re all (almost) the same, aren’t they. Just like out of the same batch of cookies, and using the same cookie cutter!
Unreal, isn’t it?
OMG, I have heard the poisoning from other victims. Did he have a life insurance policy on you? Mine tried (unsuccessfully) to get me on his life insurance (of course for my own protection…to pay off my house if something happened to HIM as I would presumably have been on his life insurance, too). Thank goodness I didn’t do that or I believe (truly) I would have had an “accident”.
They say terrible things, all lies, and yes they are very twisted. Yes again, this experience can be frightening. Sociopaths are very believeable. I am sorry you went through this.
How are you feeling now? You sound much stronger and healthier!
Blessings and Peace,
Peggy
(P.S. Sorry I didn’t respond earlier…I am very much “in like” at the moment and having so much FUN I don’t check in here often!
OMG, November 29th, 2008 — that is the date I met Jamie!
Thankfully, I was not with him long enough to do any damage to me other than emotional. Consider the possibilities of what could have happened had the relationship continued and i moved 3000 miles to be with him, not knowing at the time open-heart surgery was down the road for me.
Finding out abut him via an accident is a good thing too. Otherwise, I would have been really down on myself for “messing up” chances with such a “good guy.”
From day one, we talked a lot about honesty and openness. While Jamie admitted he needed to be more open, I took that to mean about feelings, not about significant aspects of his life that he was hiding from me.
In retrospect, I was actually a bit embarrassed about that. Jamie must have taken me for either being completely naive or a fool. Once I found what I found and figured him out, sometimes I wish I had the strength at that time to confront him. However, now I realize it would have done no good, There is no closure with a sociopath other than moving on.
Dear Hoddytoddy,
Yes, sorry I didn’t see your post to welcome you to LF I hope you are still here reading. Welcome! I hope you are somewhat better physically now, but I know it will take time for the emotional healing and I hope now that you know you were dealing with that can flow forward as well. God bless.
Blue-eyes, you are neither naive nor a fool!!! Just human! Humans sometimes fall in love with their heart when their heads should have said NO!!! But that makes you human. Jamie doesn’t have the capability to fall in love–so what does that make him? Not sure but he isn’t someone you want a relationship with. At the very least he is DISHONEST. That right there is enough of a RED FLAG to make him a “no go.”
Not being open from the start about an HIV+ status is deception, and deception by ommission is the same as a lie!
YOU can make your own closure because you know what he was, what he is, and regardless of the package it comes in, a liar and a deceiver isn’t something you want.
Hottytoddy93, God bless you. You’re at the right place.