By Peggywhoever
All sociopaths wear a mask. The mask of kindness. The mask of generosity. The mask of romance. The mask of attraction. The mask of intimacy. The mask of seduction. And so on.
This is what reels us in. The pretense. The acting. The mask. The mask of perfection. And we, in our infinite loving goodness, reflect that mask back to them. The perfect mirrored reflection of beauty and adoration.
And then one day, that mask cracks. You remember the moment.. The moment when you look in their eyes and you KNOW the truth about them. The moment you recognize the pathological lies, the deception, the manipulation, the con. The game is up.
And from that moment on, your relationship with the sociopath is forever changed. This moment happened for me when”¦after middle of the night phone calls to his house and cell phone”¦I looked into his eyes and I KNEW. I knew he was having an affair, and that he was a liar. A year’s worth of investigation (yes, obsessing) has confirmed that nearly everything he told me was a lie.
From that point forward, the cruelty begins. Name-calling. Shouting. Out-of-control rage. Accusations of what you have”¦and have not done for them. Assaults on your character. Disparaging remarks. Outright slander. Saying horrible things about you to everyone who will listen. The smear campaign begins in full force.
Once the mask slips, you have a full view of who the sociopath actually is. Nothing is hidden from you anymore. They are the most hateful person you have ever encountered.
I equate the mask with a coin”¦beautiful, golden, intricately detailed and engraved on one side, and the cheapest, molten metal, with indistinguishable or hideous features on the other.
I thought my sociopath had a brain tumor. I couldn’t comprehend how someone who had seemingly been so kind, generous, and thoughtful”¦seemingly a “knight in shining armor”, turned into such a dark knight—instantaneously. Heartless. Cold. Unfeeling. Unsympathetic. Lying. Cheating. Berating. Chillingly frightening. Brrr.
After the mask cracks and you see their naked hatred, they become vengeful. It is as if they become your mortal enemy; even though you still love them and may try to salvage the relationship. And then they usually become cowardly. If you try to expose them, they will use every amount of charm and conning in their power to figuratively and verbally disarm you. (They are very good at this; they have a lifetime of practice).
They will attempt to dissemble your character piece-by-piece. They will not allow you to confront them with the truth; it is almost as if they become fearful of you and will try to retaliate against you with every piece of personal information they have garnered about you. Oh yes, and they will project upon you the very things that they are doing (and which you are innocent of). And they will tell unimaginable lies about you”¦that you are vile, manipulative, conning, vindictive, lying, and of course, crazy. Some of these whoppers are so monstrous that they can even ruin relationships you’ve had with family members and close friends. Everything is your fault, and they are the victim.
It is important to realize that just because you have seen their “true” self, they can still be extremely adept at keeping their mask intact for others. I have seen my sociopath go from screaming at me to laughing and smiling while speaking to someone on the phone”¦within 30 seconds. But you will most likely never see that initial charm again”¦unless there is something very specific they want from you.
And generally it is a very short time after you see their true self, no longer a reflection of beauty and adoration, that they will leave you. Or perhaps they already have their victim lined up. Because the sociopath cannot tolerate seeing their imperfections through your eyes. They will begin the romance phase, and once again have adoration from their next target. And the next. Then the one after that.
It is an awakening moment, when the mask slips. You are witnessing humanity at its very worst. (If they can be deemed “human—¦I prefer to think of them as aliens).
No matter how attractive you initially thought they were, a sociopath is actually very, very ugly…beneath the mask.
Oh my gosh Peggy what a great blog. Everything you wrote describes my husband. It is almost scarey how they are alike. My husband will give you his all when he is into you but after he is done with you he will throw you away like trash. He has a saying that when he is done, he is done.
He claims he doesn’t hate me because hate is a strong word…lol. I don’t know how else to explain it when he abandoned our family and would not answer my calls.
He now says he has been unhappy and I was mean to him. I don’t agree with it at all. He always wanted a son and when we were at the ultrasound and found out it was a girl there was disappointment on his face. He now has 2 daughters and he has a son with his mistress. His son is 11 months younger than ours. I am trying to make sense of it all. Why would he pick his mistress who now has 4 kids by 4 different men? Is it that he really wants to be with his son? I truly think that is it. He wants to be in his son’s life. I guess I really can’t make sense of it. He is working on his doctorate and so is his mistress but they are both so dumb. It is sad to know that we have 2 people working in the education field with young children and how they are bad role models. She is a principal for a school.
I think back when we celebrated that last Christmas and Thanksgiving together in 2006 and he led us in prayer…he had a pregnant mistress. Oh well, I am thankful for him being out of my life. I hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving!
nic.
my ex-s/p/n is also an educator. amazing, isn’t it? i think he likes it because he is second-in-charge at the school and has complete control over most of what goes on there.
he has two sons by two different women and is only close to the son who is ”like him.” the other one he doesn’t see at all.
my ex recently told me he ”has nothing against me.” oh, really?! why would he. i never did a thing to ever hurt him.
OMG…they are ALL the same.
Nic- My soon to be ex-husband still refuses to have any contact me (I don’t want any with him either) and has projected all his wrong doing onto me. He does not want to be in his baby daughter’s life if I am in the picture. I have felt the same way in that he just tossed us aside like garbage. I know I should be thankful for this but disturbing thoughts of him still permeate my day. While my head is trying to move on, to a certain extent my heart still doesn’t ‘get it’…
The worst part for me is that his immediate family enabled it to happen. It was as if the entire family’s mask fell off- parents, brother and sister. They all felt totally justified in ‘getting us out of the picture’. Granted, I knew too much and was a risk. I was a risk to their perfectly constructed facade. It is ironic, or not so ironic, that my ex played the piano for different churches throughout his life to make extra money and his mother (a trained opera singer) sings in church for money (but is no longer a member). Just an example of their superficial connection to the Christian way, another example of the mask…
Thanksgiving this year was sad- last year it was quite enjoyable, but this was before I knew my ex’s family for what they truly are…
Christina
Dear Chaos,
WONDERFUL! I am so glad that you are turning this crap into fertilizer!
Having grown up in a dysfunctional P-and-enabler-filled family I can so relate to your feelings. Fortunately I am not totally alone as I have two wonderful adult sons (and several wonderful dogs!) but I also have a “family” of close friends who DO understand and who do care.
Our biological families are what we are given at birth, but our REAL FAMILIES are those people that we love and that love us. Through your own kindness, reach out to others and you will have a “family” of loving people as well.
Any help you can do for the research in this disorder is great and I hope it results in some objective evidence and possibly at some point a treatment or a control. Keep your goal!!!! It gives us a way to focus on helping ourselves and also helping others as well. ((((hugs)))) God bless.
Wini-
Thank you. Yes, it is important to help new victims. I do not think Ps will go extinct. In my opinion, it is equally important to educate the public about N/P. May help at least some fraction of vulnerable people could identify and avoid P/Ns. I wish I had known that my father was N when I was much younger. No-one has to go through the pain we had to suffer.
lostingrief-
Genetics just explains susceptibility to a certain disease. We cannot ignore the environmental factors. Last night, I was reading a review article that summarizes recent progress of Psychiatric genetics. It says that heritability for schizophrenia is 75-80%. This means that 75-80% of susceptibility to schizophrenia is determined by genetics. Environmental plays only 20-25%. Heritability is a population-based term, so you cannot use it to a certain individual. I have two siblings who have schizophrenia. So I may be genetically susceptible to schizophrenia. But I escaped from my parents when I was relatively young. My brother and sister stayed too long with my N father and enabler mother. This caused so many traumatic events that pushed them to finally develop schizophrenia. I sometimes wonder if we had somewhat normal parents we would have been free of depression or schizophrenia. One more thing, traumatic events do NOT cause chromosome abnormalities at least structural level! Hope this satisfies your curiosity.
BloggerT7165-
Thank you! Sure, I read them!
OK, unfortunately, I need to get back to work!
Have a nice day!!
This is a continue theme with a sociopath insomuch that there always seem like they already have someone waiting in the wing for them. How so depended they are on others to reflex back that person who wears the mask. How the new victim/love is all good and you now are all bad. This will of course be repeated again and again with the new victim/love. Or unless after they age to a point that moving on become harder and harder due to a lack of opportunities. Sometimes I see it like musical chairs (remember the game?) and the last one to get the last chair after the music (lies) stops gets the sociopath for the remainder of the game. In short the winner of this game is really the loser of the game. I remember once after she quit going to therapy and I ask her why she refused to return to the sessions she told me how she didn’t “like” talking about her past. God now I see why and understand just how dark and unknown her past is to herself and everyone she is with today. Not only didn’t she “like” talking about her past she also denies it’s very existence. Guess this explains how they can “remake themselves” to something else over and over again or at least until the music stops and there is no more chairs but one which is reserved for the last victim. For all games come to an end even this one….
James: What you write has caught my attention for years … as I too notice how violators hate going to therapy to unravel their dirty deeds. Which tells me, they are more than aware how they con and manipulate everyone … not just a few, everyone.
There is a former co-worker of mine that has been manipulating, since High School (that I know of). I’m sure, others that have known her from childhood would attest to the fact that she manipulated, even back them.. I didn’t know her in grade school, but I knew her from H.S. days. She always, always, always plays the victim … that’s how she captures her audience. She’s tiny and petite, so naturally everyone (men and women) feel sorry for her.
Anyway. She was one of the regular card players (yes, woman play cards on weekends too …LOL) and the conversations she’s given over the years was incredible. I mentioned earlier how she didn’t understand why anyone (meaning me) would like a nice guy … other conversations with her were … “you have to manipulate the men in this office to always pick up the tabs after happy hour, they make the paycheck, not us” … or “if a woman isn’t married in society, she’s nothing” … “keep those male co-workers on their toes, play the game to the bosses that the males are always under suspicion for something derogatory … that’s easy, anything on a sexual nature” …
Just some of the conversation I heard come from her mouth over the years. And she is the ultimate game player I first learned of.
My answer to her statement about women who aren’t married in society … “what are you crazy! Women don’t have to be married in society to be someone …”, then the rest of the group said “Oh, Wini, lighten up, we aren’t talking about your divorce a couple of years ago … but you better grap “M” that you are dating now … to marry you”. I couldn’t believe it, not only did these ding dongs introduce me to “M” … my first roller coaster ride … I was at the time trying to figure out how to get this guy out of my life permanently.
Peace. It’s amazing how the inner thoughts of their minds truly work. For me to be in the inner circle of so many anti-socials was an experience, to say the least … I knew though, I had to slowly back away from them … keep backing up not to be noticed that I was never around again.
You never tell an @ssh*le, that they are an @ssh*le, because they are … an … @ssh*le.
Yesterday when I went to the State Park where my living history group was camped for a demonstration, I ran into an old friend who was camped there with his grandchildren. I had run into his daughter a few months before and found out that there was severe trouble in the family. I had listened to his daughter tell me what a horrible man he was and how he and his wife (her mother) were abusing the daughter etc. etc. I just listened and then nodded occasionally.
When I got home I emailed my friend (the father) and told him that I had run into his daughter in a store and that I would keep him and his wife and family in my prayers. I didn’t have to tell him what his daughter had said to me about how he and his wife had “mistreated” her.
It was good to see my friend yesterday and find out that he and his wife now have permanent custody of both of his daughter’s children. The daughter and her husband (who is apparently severely disturbed and probably personality disordered as well) had finally signed over custody to her parents. His daughter has been diagnosed as Border LIne Personality disorder and something else he couldn’t remember the name of. My son C and I just stood and listened to him pour his heart out with frustration at the situation and relief to finally have the “signed paper” in his hand grantiing him and his wife custody of their beloved grandchildren who are the most innocent victims in this drama. He has the children and he and his wife are also going to counseling as well. The children’s father stoutly refuses counseling because the problem is “all his wife’s fault” (any of you heard THAT excuse before! LOL)
My son C had dated this BPD’s sister (apparently a normal person) for a while so had some more insight into the family dynamics. He also knew both the BPD daughter and her husband when they were all in college together when they were dating.
It is good to be able to listen to these people and let them know that you DO understand the pain and frustration they are going through to save the children they love so much from the trauma of it all, and still not being completely able to shield them from the trama and the drama. My heart and my prayers go out to them, and all people who are trying to shield the children from this hell on earth. Just having someone to BE THERE TO LISTEN appropriately, to support them and let them know that you understand their pain is a blessing, and one which WE I think are obligated to pass on.
Yup Oxy … and the sage does continue, doesn’t it? I’m glad you did that … calling the dad and telling him they were both in your prayers.
Just a little way of saying … you think you can get away with stuff, but the truth does float to the top … just takes a long, long time.
Peace Oxy cause I know you, you are not going to let this die quietly … and I know you will step back, way back and think about a good plan … takes time though … clear you mind and pray to God to help you. Harmony Hills is a beautiful, beautiful place to heal.
James:
I think you just very well may have saved my life and my sanity. I was agree with everything you said in the begining of your most recent post, as I just found out yesterday that my ex has recently “gotten over his depression and therefore now feels comfortable bring his new girlfriend around our old friends. It was said that he has actually been seeing her for a while. Gee maybe that is why when I got back home after my sister died that he did not touch me for almost 3 months. Maybe that why he treated me so disrespectfully, started stalking me, showing up where ever I was if I was gone longer than he expected. Maybe that why he became even more verbally abusive. It seemed as if he was tring his hardest to get me to leave. I could not understand it at the time, so I just tried loving him even more. I kept telling my self “be strong..you can get through this..and if you do you will live happily ever after. Where the Hell was I coming from? Anyway, when I was able to valadate my suspicions, I actually became jelous. How sick is that? I was more concerned with the thought that she was going to get the part of him I always wanted. I was convincing myself that she is probally the one that he will be loving to. I also started thinking, she is probally using and wearing all the things I left behind. Then I read what you said about “MUSICAL CHAIRS”.
James, I can not tell you how that was comparable to the BIGGEST IORN SKILLET anyone could have boinked me with. I have been told many times I am lucky I got out alive. After people would tell me that I would almost revert to defending him…oh..no he would never do that. I think I made myself believe that he loved me because I believe no one could possiblly be thinking of killing or hurting someone they love. I kept wondering is she pretty, is she smart, is he finally going to fix the fire place and will they be sitting in front of it for christmas. I doubt that he will take her to drive past his ex girl friends grandmothers house like he took me two years in a row. YOU MADE ME REALIZE………I am glad I lost, I am glad that I did not get “THE LAST CHAIR”. She may believe that she has won, just as I did….she may not be so lucky….she just very well may have gotten the last chair. I will pray for her saftey and well being. I wish I could warn her. What if am wrong and all works out for both of them, will I ever be Truely content?
I guess it does not matter. Because of you!!!!!I am greatfull. I will not make that call or take that plane back to ask why…I will just trust that GOD just has better plans……..plans that I would never be able to experience if I would have fought her for the last chair.
Thank you James….Thank you everyone…it’s finally starting to soak in….LOVE ALWAYS MOLLY