By Peggywhoever
All sociopaths wear a mask. The mask of kindness. The mask of generosity. The mask of romance. The mask of attraction. The mask of intimacy. The mask of seduction. And so on.
This is what reels us in. The pretense. The acting. The mask. The mask of perfection. And we, in our infinite loving goodness, reflect that mask back to them. The perfect mirrored reflection of beauty and adoration.
And then one day, that mask cracks. You remember the moment.. The moment when you look in their eyes and you KNOW the truth about them. The moment you recognize the pathological lies, the deception, the manipulation, the con. The game is up.
And from that moment on, your relationship with the sociopath is forever changed. This moment happened for me when”¦after middle of the night phone calls to his house and cell phone”¦I looked into his eyes and I KNEW. I knew he was having an affair, and that he was a liar. A year’s worth of investigation (yes, obsessing) has confirmed that nearly everything he told me was a lie.
From that point forward, the cruelty begins. Name-calling. Shouting. Out-of-control rage. Accusations of what you have”¦and have not done for them. Assaults on your character. Disparaging remarks. Outright slander. Saying horrible things about you to everyone who will listen. The smear campaign begins in full force.
Once the mask slips, you have a full view of who the sociopath actually is. Nothing is hidden from you anymore. They are the most hateful person you have ever encountered.
I equate the mask with a coin”¦beautiful, golden, intricately detailed and engraved on one side, and the cheapest, molten metal, with indistinguishable or hideous features on the other.
I thought my sociopath had a brain tumor. I couldn’t comprehend how someone who had seemingly been so kind, generous, and thoughtful”¦seemingly a “knight in shining armor”, turned into such a dark knight—instantaneously. Heartless. Cold. Unfeeling. Unsympathetic. Lying. Cheating. Berating. Chillingly frightening. Brrr.
After the mask cracks and you see their naked hatred, they become vengeful. It is as if they become your mortal enemy; even though you still love them and may try to salvage the relationship. And then they usually become cowardly. If you try to expose them, they will use every amount of charm and conning in their power to figuratively and verbally disarm you. (They are very good at this; they have a lifetime of practice).
They will attempt to dissemble your character piece-by-piece. They will not allow you to confront them with the truth; it is almost as if they become fearful of you and will try to retaliate against you with every piece of personal information they have garnered about you. Oh yes, and they will project upon you the very things that they are doing (and which you are innocent of). And they will tell unimaginable lies about you”¦that you are vile, manipulative, conning, vindictive, lying, and of course, crazy. Some of these whoppers are so monstrous that they can even ruin relationships you’ve had with family members and close friends. Everything is your fault, and they are the victim.
It is important to realize that just because you have seen their “true” self, they can still be extremely adept at keeping their mask intact for others. I have seen my sociopath go from screaming at me to laughing and smiling while speaking to someone on the phone”¦within 30 seconds. But you will most likely never see that initial charm again”¦unless there is something very specific they want from you.
And generally it is a very short time after you see their true self, no longer a reflection of beauty and adoration, that they will leave you. Or perhaps they already have their victim lined up. Because the sociopath cannot tolerate seeing their imperfections through your eyes. They will begin the romance phase, and once again have adoration from their next target. And the next. Then the one after that.
It is an awakening moment, when the mask slips. You are witnessing humanity at its very worst. (If they can be deemed “human—¦I prefer to think of them as aliens).
No matter how attractive you initially thought they were, a sociopath is actually very, very ugly…beneath the mask.
quest:
I cannot say I have yet forgiven. But I believe forgiveness is as much (or more) for the victim than the perpetrator. Because it is not healthy for US to have so much anger in our hearts. OxDrover has written a lot about this with much wisdom.
Understanding, the “aha moment” or “getting it” enlightens us and hopefully the awareness protects us from future encounters with Sociopaths. We are more “on guard” or aware of red flags. I am presently dating and have the “one red flag and you’re out” rule.
The best defense, and offense, is no contact. Stay as far away from them as possible!
pathwhisperer:
You are so right…they cannot tolerate “seeing” themselves. I have often wondered if they actually believe the lies they come up with? It is inconceivable that they can come up with those incredible stories!
Hi Aloha!
James:
I love your analogy about musical chairs. How true!
OxDrover:
You’re right as usual, that when a S is unmasked, “the face behind the mask is like you are looking directly into Satan’s eyes”. I have never before encountered such rage…and infantile behavior.
Peggy Pseu
The red flag thing is interesting as I feel that i am doing it without having made a conscious effort to do it . However I have run into one woman that initially set the alarm bells off and now I am not so sure . In fact I’m beginning to think she may be a psychopath victim and she has aquired some of the psychopath traits as a kind of defense mechanism . Somewhat like the vampire analogy where once bitten you either die or else you become one . Of coarse the other side of this is what did she think of me . Did she think I was a psychopath or a psychopath victim even if she did not know the terminology . When we first met it was not long after my split with my X . She works at a local bar so I see her every now and again . THe initial attraction was somewhat psychopathic in nature , as in love at first sight . This immediately put me on guard . It also put her on guard , almost as if we were thinking the same thing . As time has passed we have spoke on a number of occasions even had a few laughs together . The psychopath signs are definitely there but at the same time there are a few important ones that seem to be missing . Ofcoarse maybe I just haven’t seen them yet . Normally I can sense the evil , but so far with this woman I am not sensing it , I don’t think . Now I’m really wondering , thinking of every interreaction I have ever had with her . Her defensivness is the thing that is throwing me off . All the other psychopathic women I have met lately dive right in with head games , charm , seduction the works . Not this one . Is she afraid because she knows I may be able to sense her psychopathicness or even her victimness , for that matter, or is she afraid that I might be one of the nasty ones . What a delema . how the hell do I figure this out
i am sure that they know when they are lying and when they are not . I know it sounds like it all runs into one but just remember they have had many years of practice . I know with my X that if I caught her on a lie she could always squirm out of it somehow without hardly a blink . Just keep in mind that psychopaths are not stupid . You might not be able to rationalize what they are doing but I’ll bet that it is all rational to them . Just try to think in terms of nasty and then I think everything starts to make a kind of sense . They have a plan , once you figure out the plan you will realize that they have thought of every possible outcome and they are trying to make their desired outcome happen . Psychopath chess if you like .
Dear Peggy and Quest,
The “forgiveness” that I feel for the psychopaths is not about THEM (they don’t even know about it) but it is simply getting the bittereness out of my own heart and soul, it is not about trusting them again, or not giving them consequences (if I can) which I have persued the full extent of the law to see that they have had as many consequences as I could enforce or help the law enforce.
So it may be the definition of “forgivenss” that is the discussion.
My mother had enforced to me for my entire life that “true forgiveness” included TRUSTING THEM AGAIN, AND FORGETTING WHAT THEY HAD DONE—-I now see that forgiveness does NOT include that unless the person has shown GENUINE REPENTENCE (WHICH OF COURSE A P WILL NEVER DO)
I found that as long as I harbored resentment, anger, rancor, bitterness etc in my heart I obscessed and the angry ugly feelings I had HURT ME, and slowed down my healing, so I felt that FOR ME I had to get those feelings dealt with.
I have seen people who had something done to them that they remained bitter about their entire lives, they stayed focused on that like a bull dog with a dry old bone–unwilling to quit gnawing on it. I didn’t want to be like that, renting room in my heart and soul to these monsters, these predators. I wanted to be emotionally free of them, and to me, “forgiving them” (getting the bitterness out of my heart and soul) let me be FREE of them.
Trust them? NEVER! Want revenge? I did, but now it is more a feeling of indifference to them. No pity for their plight (prison) because it is the consequence of their behavior, it is JUSTICE, not revenge.
quest:
You are so right on in your analogy that we cannot rationalize it, but that they can. My S used to say “life is a chess game” and that is exactly what it is to them. And I think you’re right that they know they are lying.
And Oxy, of course you are so right about forgiveness. We have to find the peace within ourselves. I would never trust a sociopath!
i just remembered something about the lying thing . My X had an incredible memory , that much I figured out , but if she had lied about something the previous day and I questioned her about it the next day she would claim not to remember . At the time it bewildered me how selective her memory was . At times she would remember conversations almost word for word from two months before . Having said that , I think I realised that there was a lot of lying going on when I realised that even she could not remember every lie she said or at least maybe she did , it was just that she did not think I would remember how she would contradict herself from one week to the next . In a sick kind of way she was living in the now , what she said today was reality , what was said yesterday never existed unless she chose it too . I suspect that the biggest problem for the average person is realising how intelligent they are . One does not expect a person with above average intelligence to lie with abandon . At the same time because they are intelligent it actually makes it easier for them to tell credible lies . My X was the most credible liar I have ever met in my life . Practice makes perfect I guess .
With lies I guess they can create any reality they wish . And it is not necessarily a reality they live by , it is a reality for the benefit of the victim . When they change the victims sense of reality it makes it easier for them to manipulate and control them .
Elizabeth,
“Ns should be extended mercy whenever possible”
That is unless they are in YOUR family! I can deal with an N that is an acquaintance, but just try dealing w/ their insecurities day in and day out!! I was married to one for 32 years, and he has left a trail of broken hearts between his children and me, his ex-wife. I have one daughter who has struggled with an eating disorder, and two other children that can’t deal with emotions. They describe their dad as a “jerk”, and told me to leave him after they all had left home. I have done that, but I am still dealing with all the fall-out. I have been away for almost 3 years, (it took 2 years for the divorce to become final, because he couldn’t deal w/ sharing the money that we had accumulated through the years. It was his money.) He now has a new girlfriend (he started to date 3 months after I left) who has a ton of money (Hummers, Vipers etc. all the stuff he loves!!) He would get really mean when he was exposed in any way. I spent years giving him mercy, and he just used us all. I hope Elizabeth, that you don’t encourage mercy to very many victims of Ns. They’re every bit of vicious as a sociopath. My family has the bruises to prove it.
Molly, I totally understand the inflection in the voice thing. Most of the time my N ex was very condescending and would get his point across without yelling.
We were just always way below him, and needed instruction on everything! He would re-arrange my kitchen. Wallpaper bathrooms while I was at work (without me helping him pick out the wall paper. He picked this horrible southwestern motif. ugh!) He would plan all the vacations, and then say over, and over, and over, “didn’t I do a good job! Aren’t we having a great time!! Stick with me babe”. He was disgusting with the adoration he REQUIRED.
And then, get in his way, or if he was feeling emotionally off (this would happen when he didn’t have anything to frenetically keep him busy), he could be really mean, without ever shouting or saying anything that would sound abusive. It was all in the tone of voice.
Most of the time we were on a constant treadmill, golfing every day, building a new house, then backbreaking home improvements only to get it done, and feel the need to start over again when there was nothing more to do…on to building a newer bigger more expensive house. IT WAS EXHAUSTING!!
So glad it is over…(but still w/ tremendous sadness for the family…)
daisy123,
Daisy,
I don’t know your pain. I can only imagine. You’ve had it very, very bad. The wife of the narcissist I knew acted out histrionic behaviors, but I doubt she was actually so inclined. She must have been crazy with misery. He treated her very, very badly.
The thing is, I have been a “victim” of a narcissist. Not in an intimate relationship, thank God. It was in a ministry setting. I had no idea what a narcissist was. I only figured things out after over years of bizarre displays of grandiosity, gaslighting, contempt for others, a theft, claims of persecution, and a systematic attack on my character from which I haven’t entirely recovered from nearly 3 years later.
The thing is, I could have avoided a great deal of misery if I had known what he was and what a narcissist was capable of. Lots of people who were smarter than I was melted away after 1 or 2 displays of grandiosity and/or arrogance. All the signs were there. Furthermore, I was mystified as to why the type of people I wanted to associate with kept leaving the ministry. “Where are all the really good, fun, smart people going, and why?” It wasn’t that I disliked the people who stayed. It just seemed that healthy interpersonal exchanges with them weren’t possible. (Now I understand how narcissism works to defeat healthy relationships, but at the time I was mystified.)
I should have bugged out very early in the game. Now I know better. He was a card carrying, textbook case of pathological narcissism. Silently slipping away can be called mercy or self preservation, I don’t care which. I still think it would have been the best tactic.
I was very hurt by his slander campaign, because many, many people climbed on board and treated me to shunning, supercilious coolness and outright rudeness. Some are still quite badly behaved. That’s their loss. Now I’m not so sad. I’m glad I learned the lesson he had to teach. 1. I know why I stayed so long and put up with his bad behavior. 2. I know how a narcissist acts. The next one will not fool me. 3. I learned to accept that he’s in a great deal of pain, but I’m not qualified to help him. All I can do is give him a wide berth and pray for him and those within his sphere of influence.
Given the kind of damage the narcissist has done in your life, you are entitled to be infinitely more angry than I. In your case the N left devastation. In my case the Narcissist has left me better off than I was before.
The next ministry I got involved in was led by a guy with a past that clearly indicated ASPD. He seemed hard to be trying to reform, so I went along with the program. (Now I know that I have a set of “issues” that dovetails perfectly with the dysfuntionalism of an S or N. I am to wrong personality type to work in close proximity to either.) At the beginning it seemed like he was adequately supervised, so I wasn’t too worried. Over time things spiraled downward, and I took a lot of garbage off of him. As always, I took way too much. (I am seriously stooopid that way!!!) Still, I knew exactly what was going on. The more confident the S became that he had me under his thumb, the nastier he got. When it became clear there was no way he was going back to behaving himself again, I was gone. This time I knew better than to rock the S’s boat, call him on his mess or anything of that nature. I just cut ties, refusing to say anything negative about him, and refusing to whine about the consequences of having foolishly invested in his ministry.
Because of the N, I knew what the S was (same cluster B, DSM IV). I knew (more or less) what the S was going to do next, I knew he had most people bamboozled, and I knew the only way to win was to leave. Thank God for the N.
Now my kids and I are looking for a new church. We just visited a church with about 200 active members. The kids are enraptured with the place. I’m more guarded. There are roughly 8 people at that church I’m going to have to walk on eggshells around, (at least that’s how I calculate the odds). Have the N and the S educated me well enough that I can keep my “rescuing, enabling, self martyring” backside out of the torturous webs of the church’s cluster bs? I fervently pray they have. Both the S and the N worked very hard at it. It would be a shame if all their hard work went to waste. (Gallows humor here!)
My kids deserve a healthy, wholesome church environment to grow up in. That means I’ve got to do much, much better when it comes to avoiding involvement with cluster bs. If I try to rescue, or take abuse, or otherwise trip over my own insecurities again, I will be letting both the kids and myself down.
I can do better. Really and truly. I just have stay alert to my own self-destructive tendancies.