By Peggywhoever
All sociopaths wear a mask. The mask of kindness. The mask of generosity. The mask of romance. The mask of attraction. The mask of intimacy. The mask of seduction. And so on.
This is what reels us in. The pretense. The acting. The mask. The mask of perfection. And we, in our infinite loving goodness, reflect that mask back to them. The perfect mirrored reflection of beauty and adoration.
And then one day, that mask cracks. You remember the moment.. The moment when you look in their eyes and you KNOW the truth about them. The moment you recognize the pathological lies, the deception, the manipulation, the con. The game is up.
And from that moment on, your relationship with the sociopath is forever changed. This moment happened for me when”¦after middle of the night phone calls to his house and cell phone”¦I looked into his eyes and I KNEW. I knew he was having an affair, and that he was a liar. A year’s worth of investigation (yes, obsessing) has confirmed that nearly everything he told me was a lie.
From that point forward, the cruelty begins. Name-calling. Shouting. Out-of-control rage. Accusations of what you have”¦and have not done for them. Assaults on your character. Disparaging remarks. Outright slander. Saying horrible things about you to everyone who will listen. The smear campaign begins in full force.
Once the mask slips, you have a full view of who the sociopath actually is. Nothing is hidden from you anymore. They are the most hateful person you have ever encountered.
I equate the mask with a coin”¦beautiful, golden, intricately detailed and engraved on one side, and the cheapest, molten metal, with indistinguishable or hideous features on the other.
I thought my sociopath had a brain tumor. I couldn’t comprehend how someone who had seemingly been so kind, generous, and thoughtful”¦seemingly a “knight in shining armor”, turned into such a dark knight—instantaneously. Heartless. Cold. Unfeeling. Unsympathetic. Lying. Cheating. Berating. Chillingly frightening. Brrr.
After the mask cracks and you see their naked hatred, they become vengeful. It is as if they become your mortal enemy; even though you still love them and may try to salvage the relationship. And then they usually become cowardly. If you try to expose them, they will use every amount of charm and conning in their power to figuratively and verbally disarm you. (They are very good at this; they have a lifetime of practice).
They will attempt to dissemble your character piece-by-piece. They will not allow you to confront them with the truth; it is almost as if they become fearful of you and will try to retaliate against you with every piece of personal information they have garnered about you. Oh yes, and they will project upon you the very things that they are doing (and which you are innocent of). And they will tell unimaginable lies about you”¦that you are vile, manipulative, conning, vindictive, lying, and of course, crazy. Some of these whoppers are so monstrous that they can even ruin relationships you’ve had with family members and close friends. Everything is your fault, and they are the victim.
It is important to realize that just because you have seen their “true” self, they can still be extremely adept at keeping their mask intact for others. I have seen my sociopath go from screaming at me to laughing and smiling while speaking to someone on the phone”¦within 30 seconds. But you will most likely never see that initial charm again”¦unless there is something very specific they want from you.
And generally it is a very short time after you see their true self, no longer a reflection of beauty and adoration, that they will leave you. Or perhaps they already have their victim lined up. Because the sociopath cannot tolerate seeing their imperfections through your eyes. They will begin the romance phase, and once again have adoration from their next target. And the next. Then the one after that.
It is an awakening moment, when the mask slips. You are witnessing humanity at its very worst. (If they can be deemed “human—¦I prefer to think of them as aliens).
No matter how attractive you initially thought they were, a sociopath is actually very, very ugly…beneath the mask.
PS –
I suspect this is God’s timing. It was nearly 25 years since I worked for a P that I got involved in the ministry of the N. Then I followed that error by working in the ministry of an S. That made the last 5 years or so a crash course in “cluster b”. For some reason, I must really need this training right now. It’s never about us, but always about God and His plan. Whatever He’s got up His capacious sleeves, it’s gonna be interesting!
Dear Elizabeth: Sorry to read that you had to endure big egos in the ministry. Of all places we have to deal with those living in their egos, a place of worship is the last place we need in our lives to have to face this battle.
I don’t know where I was the day they taught to live in your big ego and wipe out all thoughts of wisdom coming into your mind was the way to live your life, but I’m glad I was out sick that day.
I know over the last 30 years I just keep blocking out people from my life. I didn’t have time, nor did I want to deal with what their egos had to offer (nothing but grief). It’s sad, but true. I would always be nice to them at the beginning, but I would never give them an explanation of why I was never coming around. I know it seems like the coward’s way out, but to me, it was self preservation from more heartache, pain and of course all the lies they would tell and hence live. I like my life simple and uncomplicated. People always call me old fashioned.
I once asked my dad what Old Fashioned meant because I heard in reference to me all the time. My dad’s answer “It means the people telling you know that you have morals and ethics”.
I found this ironic, since these people saying this to me knew right from wrong, yet chose to do wrong?
I think what is interesting is while learning about anti-social personalities on this site and how their egos take control and blind them from God’s Truth, how rampant it is today that living in the ego took hold of so many in our society.
Peace/
Wini,
It’s all good. Apparently I needed to get some sense knocked into my thick skull. Hopefully I’m not totally unteachable. Like a lot of old married folk, I do better when my husband is around. He steers me away from trouble, ’cause he’s got more interpersonal wisdom than I do. Unfortunately, wild horses couldn’t drag him into church. I hate to think he may be right about that one too. Here I go, trying again. Prayer-fully I’ll get it right this time. (Hopefully/Prayerfully…Joke, tiny, tiny little joke…very tiny. Whistling past the graveyard here. Boy do I want to get it right this time.)
Elizabeth Conley: I stayed away from church since I was 15. Attending weddings, holidays, funerals and the like. I would attend church here and there, just because I wanted to. But, to actually be an active member in a church, I haven’t done that since I was a teenager. Don’t get me wrong, I always enjoyed church, I was hurt and confused by people who attended church. I have a very thin skin for pain … yet, I’m a thick skinned person. If that makes any sense to you.
Anyway, I would read the Bible on my own. I love wisdom in the Bible. I’m shaking my head right now, reading the Bible for me is such an intense experience.
I found people along my life that were practitioners in their congregations but also read the Bible. So I gathered those people in my life over the years because they were the only people who didn’t bring drama into my life. Everyone else I knew, would bring some kind of drama with them.
I have many friends that rescue animals, and guess what? These same friends read the Bible. It’s ironic how the people I’ve kept close in my circle of friends all believe in God and all read the Bible. I do attend church now, but it’s not your orthodox church setting. All the people in this church, broke away from their original churches due to big egos destructions in their lives … and all found their way to this church. So, for the last few years, I’m very satisfied with the church setting that I attend and ALL the people in this congregation. So far, I have never witnessed any manipulations, any outbursts, any drama, just mutual respect for each other and of course, mutual respect for our Lord.
You know, if that should ever change, I will slowly slip away, not giving an explanation to anyone.
I hope you find your safe haven where you will find peace of mind, heart and soul … to share with community while reading and listening to scriptures in respect for our Lord. My spiritual adviser told me, that it is the devils work in full swing the last 40-50 years, actively working on people to leave the church. A divide and conquer mindset of the devil on this battle.
Something serious to think about.
Peace.
You’re right on target as always Wini.
“You know, if that should ever change, I will slowly slip away, not giving an explanation to anyone.”
I’m with you. No explanations ever again. That’s counter productive.
“the devils work in full swing the last 40-50 years, actively working on people to leave the church. A divide and conquer mindset of the devil on this battle.”
I agree. Given that I’ve got young children, the stakes are particularly high in our case. I’m still trying to go to church, but I’m shaking in my shoes here. My friendships outside of church simply don’t deliver this never ending flow of exhausting drama. Yes, I’m a patsy and a doormat, but my friends don’t take advantage of me or push me around. It’s only in church that I run into trouble. I can feel myself becoming hyper-vigilant, and that can’t be good.
There’s a constantly scowling woman on the staff of the new church, and I find myself wondering if she’s “one of them”. I hope my nervousness doesn’t cause the very problems I fear.
If you ever see a squirrel in the middle of the interstate, don’t honk. It doesn’t help the poor critter figure out which way to jump. Trust me, ’cause I’m intimately acquainted with his state of mind!
Gotta get some work done.
Be blessed today Wini!
Elizabeth Conley: For now, if you are in between churches … I suggest getting the Bible on CD for your children to watch … make it a ritual each and every Sunday morning. They can watch the CD, you can prepare Sunday meal. This way, they still get the wisdom from the Bible … and you get time to breath to find your way to a church you are comfortable with.
Peace. I hear you loud and clear … believe me, … Pray to God to find you the right church to be involved with … he will guide you to where you will be welcomed, with no fear, no drama and your children get to experience the safety of the community.
Dear Daisy,
Yes, I hear your pain, and you are so right, the FALL OUT is just like from a nuclear bomb–hey, that’s so right an N-BOMB! It is toxic waste that permeates into our very souls, leaving us with unseen scars and injuries.
Each of us has their own pain, but as Dr. Viktor Frankl said in his book “Man’s Search for Meaning,” written after spending years in the Nazi concentration camps “pain behaves like a gas, and totally fills the container in which it is, whether it is a little bit of gas, it expands to fill the whole container or if it is a lot of gas it compresses, but it still fills the entire container. He was so right, so in the end no matter how bad we suffer from them in terms of various “injuries” it still fills our entire being with pain.
Each of us copes with this tremendous amount of pain in different ways, some helpful and some self destructive, and most a mix of things in between.
I had to get the bitterness toward them and what they (my family) has done to me out of my heart, I call it “forgiveness” but it does NOT mean that they do not have the CONSEQUENCES of their behavior. It is JUSTICE to have consequences, not revenge. The bitterness being out of my heart and soul is for ME, not them. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life angry and bitter over what they have done to me and the rest of our family. I want to grow and learn and have a good life filled with Joy. I have wasted too much time already letting them make my life full of pain, frustration, anger and bitterness which is the sum of my relationship with them.
Elizabeth: your story of the squirrel on the interstate is a great analogy. (as usual)
The things that we need to do to keep us safe sometimes do make us hyper vigilant in some situations, and since the “cloak” of religion is sometimes used to hide behind by the Ns and Ps unfortunately they learn about how to use it and use it well. My mother has hidden behind it for my entire life. It is funny though, how like the Pharisees of Jesus’ time, they bind rules on YOU that don’t apply to them. LOL
just wondering why is that after all our x’s put us though, after all the pain they caused us, no matter how bad the relationship was, why is that we still miss them? why does our heart still stay with them? its like nobody makes us feel the way they made us feel. why do we compare them to others we meet?
the after affects from being with sociopath are extreme. they messed with your head. they make you forget who are you and what you want? sometimes i feel ive come along way since the s but then sometimes i feel like im still stuck in the past and relaize that im still a little messed up
Thats The Mirror Effect/affect
We Think/want there to be something there after our investment in them! Because we are opposites , it is hard to concieve that they are an empty shell of a non-human!
I know what you mean! Takes time,and I will not ever be able to forget Him! LOVE JJ