By Peggywhoever
All sociopaths wear a mask. The mask of kindness. The mask of generosity. The mask of romance. The mask of attraction. The mask of intimacy. The mask of seduction. And so on.
This is what reels us in. The pretense. The acting. The mask. The mask of perfection. And we, in our infinite loving goodness, reflect that mask back to them. The perfect mirrored reflection of beauty and adoration.
And then one day, that mask cracks. You remember the moment.. The moment when you look in their eyes and you KNOW the truth about them. The moment you recognize the pathological lies, the deception, the manipulation, the con. The game is up.
And from that moment on, your relationship with the sociopath is forever changed. This moment happened for me when”¦after middle of the night phone calls to his house and cell phone”¦I looked into his eyes and I KNEW. I knew he was having an affair, and that he was a liar. A year’s worth of investigation (yes, obsessing) has confirmed that nearly everything he told me was a lie.
From that point forward, the cruelty begins. Name-calling. Shouting. Out-of-control rage. Accusations of what you have”¦and have not done for them. Assaults on your character. Disparaging remarks. Outright slander. Saying horrible things about you to everyone who will listen. The smear campaign begins in full force.
Once the mask slips, you have a full view of who the sociopath actually is. Nothing is hidden from you anymore. They are the most hateful person you have ever encountered.
I equate the mask with a coin”¦beautiful, golden, intricately detailed and engraved on one side, and the cheapest, molten metal, with indistinguishable or hideous features on the other.
I thought my sociopath had a brain tumor. I couldn’t comprehend how someone who had seemingly been so kind, generous, and thoughtful”¦seemingly a “knight in shining armor”, turned into such a dark knight—instantaneously. Heartless. Cold. Unfeeling. Unsympathetic. Lying. Cheating. Berating. Chillingly frightening. Brrr.
After the mask cracks and you see their naked hatred, they become vengeful. It is as if they become your mortal enemy; even though you still love them and may try to salvage the relationship. And then they usually become cowardly. If you try to expose them, they will use every amount of charm and conning in their power to figuratively and verbally disarm you. (They are very good at this; they have a lifetime of practice).
They will attempt to dissemble your character piece-by-piece. They will not allow you to confront them with the truth; it is almost as if they become fearful of you and will try to retaliate against you with every piece of personal information they have garnered about you. Oh yes, and they will project upon you the very things that they are doing (and which you are innocent of). And they will tell unimaginable lies about you”¦that you are vile, manipulative, conning, vindictive, lying, and of course, crazy. Some of these whoppers are so monstrous that they can even ruin relationships you’ve had with family members and close friends. Everything is your fault, and they are the victim.
It is important to realize that just because you have seen their “true” self, they can still be extremely adept at keeping their mask intact for others. I have seen my sociopath go from screaming at me to laughing and smiling while speaking to someone on the phone”¦within 30 seconds. But you will most likely never see that initial charm again”¦unless there is something very specific they want from you.
And generally it is a very short time after you see their true self, no longer a reflection of beauty and adoration, that they will leave you. Or perhaps they already have their victim lined up. Because the sociopath cannot tolerate seeing their imperfections through your eyes. They will begin the romance phase, and once again have adoration from their next target. And the next. Then the one after that.
It is an awakening moment, when the mask slips. You are witnessing humanity at its very worst. (If they can be deemed “human—¦I prefer to think of them as aliens).
No matter how attractive you initially thought they were, a sociopath is actually very, very ugly…beneath the mask.
Indi: It’s the same thing I blogged about before. Do the deductions of them versus us. What paths of righteousness did we take over the years? What wisdom did we learn by doing the right thing over and over again? Doing what was righteous, we learned lessons (wisdom) of how to do whatever it was that we did, built on a firm foundation of who were are … we got stronger and stronger, we now learned new lessons (wisdom) added that new tool in our tool belt of life … went on to the next righteous step … same scenario … added another tool to our tool belt of life.
What did they learn? No wisdom … only built on their own ego … superficial fluff stuff … not real, not wise, just nonsense. What foundation did they secure? None, quicksand. What tools did they gather? None, just lies and deception … again, superficial fluff.
And did I mention we learned patience? What did they learn? How to want and need and focus on instant gratification! Do you think instant gratification that you will never appreciate will give you a wholeness inside your soul? NNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! That’s why they are still empty … and when they get to where they want to go (which I still don’t know where any of them are going) are they satisfied when they get there? Noooooooooo. It’s a perpetual saga for them … I for one and glad I’m standing on the side of the roller coaster ride and not being on it any more.
Peace.
Blondie: I don’t have that craving about them that you speak about. I know real people that make me feel great just being around them. I think you may still be in the confusion state and that’s why you are having such a difficult time seeing the truth … the whole truth and nothing but the truth about them. I think you may be refusing to let your DREAM die of what you thought his and your life would be like together. It’s you letting go of him in this dream … not that you have to let go of your dream, just change the partners … is what your hurdle is right now … the difficulty you are feeling. In time … you still need time to get through this. With time and when you are ready.
Peace.
wini~ im not really having a craving for him. i dont want him or miss him. the real him is fake and a horrible person. i think i havent let my dream go. he was my life for two years and i find myself comparing others to him. i sometimes think he brainwashed me and i cant seem to find what i want or what i feel about certain things. i remember what my heart felt for him and i guess i feel like im never going to meet someone and get those feelings again.
Hi Everyone–
Just read the mask entry and it was wonderful. Wonderfully written and right on.
I am again– obsessing and wanting to let his psychologist– who he has in his web of deceit– know who he is. But– with the lies and the smear campaign and the victim playing this man has done–I feel stuck. My gosh- if that doc saw under his mask!
Should I write a letter saying i is a third party and here is what I saw done to my friend who is a great person– but was manipulated b/c she was severely depressed and alone?
Do I forward the mask entry to him–but not from my email?
Do I let go and forget about it? It just seems and is soooo unfair that this man did this to me– the lies. The Oscar Award Winning acting/crying in the shrinks office about how abusive I was? I was in such shock– I could not even defend myself and there were to many lies to work thru.
Thanks guys. Any response would be appreciated.
I start a new job Thursday–how am I going to do this??? With God, huh?
Blondie: Then maybe its just your guard is up and that’s why you are comparing other men. You thinking you are comparing them, that they can’t compete with you EX … is more that you are confused and probably thinking … the next relationship better be worth it if it goes as sour as this one did. I know that’s a double negative … but, I think it’s normal since we were all injured so deeply to our very core. We are still raw.
Anyway … breathing deep breaths … each step we takes works wonders.
I guess will just have to wait and be patient with ourselves … since we are all so new at this.
Peace. You and all of us will make it, I have faith in that fact.
Akitameg
If you feel it will do any good to tell someone already decieved! If it makes it better for you!
Personaly I think it is best to learn , forgive yourself , forgive them , not that they are’nt accountable or resonsible for there deeds they are and if not by us then by GOD yes !
I too have that nagging desire to identify them but as we all know they have no boundries to cross because for them there are NO RULES! LOVE JJ
Oh and Blondie: Remember this fact … you will feel that love again … because it was you that felt that love. It was what you were about, what you projected … it always was and always will be YOU! Actually, if you think about it … this is all backwards, they should be mourning the loss of us, not reverse that we mourn the loss of them. But, because they can’t feel a bloody thing in the first place, is why we are all blogging.
Oh, well, back to the blackboard on that theory.
Peace. Just be glad that you can love. For that is the greatest gift there is.
Piece of cake, piece of pie.
DarkchocolatePecanpie
akitameg: I was Atilla the Hun as far as some of the people involved at work were concerned. I kept looking behind me wondering, who the heck they were talking to. I knew it was me, but it’s amazing how your reputation gets trashed with the likes of them. There are no rules, Indi is right on that fact. No rules that they won’t cross, no barriers that they will not break through. Nothing will stop them from destroying everything about you. I even had co-workers that I represented years earlier as their union rep convinced that I was the evil one. Go figure that logic out. If it weren’t for me and my compassion, they wouldn’t even be working where we worked at the time my bosses went after me to believe their evil. It’s all mind boggling … but, remember … anti-socials love to divide and conquer. That’s is their primary weapon is to divide everyone so as to conquer anyone they want.
Peace.
Elizabeth,
I liked the way you stated all the things you learned, because they are the same things I’ve come away with.
I’m sorry about all the misery you’ve had when it comes to church pastors. i’ve experienced similar, and have a pastor right now that I’m watching warily. My kids are grown and my son-in-law is the worship leader and I’m so afraid this minister will mess with his mind…It’s hard because this minister is claiming that God is telling him all these things and how do I know that he isn’t? And I don’t want to influence my adult children with my opinions in case I’m seeing things wrong? But I feel very maternal to keep my kids safe. After all, that’s what I tried to do the whole time they were growing up! These pastors can be on such a power trip!!
And OxDrover thank you for your kind thoughts! I am working on the forgiveness and with God’s mercy and grace He will accomplish it for me!! After all, I certainly need people to be merciful to me:)
You all are a great group of people and I’m so glad I found this site. It’s so hard for people who haven’t experienced the effects of S, P, and N’s to understand. I still don’t understand it myself!!