By Peggywhoever
All sociopaths wear a mask. The mask of kindness. The mask of generosity. The mask of romance. The mask of attraction. The mask of intimacy. The mask of seduction. And so on.
This is what reels us in. The pretense. The acting. The mask. The mask of perfection. And we, in our infinite loving goodness, reflect that mask back to them. The perfect mirrored reflection of beauty and adoration.
And then one day, that mask cracks. You remember the moment.. The moment when you look in their eyes and you KNOW the truth about them. The moment you recognize the pathological lies, the deception, the manipulation, the con. The game is up.
And from that moment on, your relationship with the sociopath is forever changed. This moment happened for me when”¦after middle of the night phone calls to his house and cell phone”¦I looked into his eyes and I KNEW. I knew he was having an affair, and that he was a liar. A year’s worth of investigation (yes, obsessing) has confirmed that nearly everything he told me was a lie.
From that point forward, the cruelty begins. Name-calling. Shouting. Out-of-control rage. Accusations of what you have”¦and have not done for them. Assaults on your character. Disparaging remarks. Outright slander. Saying horrible things about you to everyone who will listen. The smear campaign begins in full force.
Once the mask slips, you have a full view of who the sociopath actually is. Nothing is hidden from you anymore. They are the most hateful person you have ever encountered.
I equate the mask with a coin”¦beautiful, golden, intricately detailed and engraved on one side, and the cheapest, molten metal, with indistinguishable or hideous features on the other.
I thought my sociopath had a brain tumor. I couldn’t comprehend how someone who had seemingly been so kind, generous, and thoughtful”¦seemingly a “knight in shining armor”, turned into such a dark knight—instantaneously. Heartless. Cold. Unfeeling. Unsympathetic. Lying. Cheating. Berating. Chillingly frightening. Brrr.
After the mask cracks and you see their naked hatred, they become vengeful. It is as if they become your mortal enemy; even though you still love them and may try to salvage the relationship. And then they usually become cowardly. If you try to expose them, they will use every amount of charm and conning in their power to figuratively and verbally disarm you. (They are very good at this; they have a lifetime of practice).
They will attempt to dissemble your character piece-by-piece. They will not allow you to confront them with the truth; it is almost as if they become fearful of you and will try to retaliate against you with every piece of personal information they have garnered about you. Oh yes, and they will project upon you the very things that they are doing (and which you are innocent of). And they will tell unimaginable lies about you”¦that you are vile, manipulative, conning, vindictive, lying, and of course, crazy. Some of these whoppers are so monstrous that they can even ruin relationships you’ve had with family members and close friends. Everything is your fault, and they are the victim.
It is important to realize that just because you have seen their “true” self, they can still be extremely adept at keeping their mask intact for others. I have seen my sociopath go from screaming at me to laughing and smiling while speaking to someone on the phone”¦within 30 seconds. But you will most likely never see that initial charm again”¦unless there is something very specific they want from you.
And generally it is a very short time after you see their true self, no longer a reflection of beauty and adoration, that they will leave you. Or perhaps they already have their victim lined up. Because the sociopath cannot tolerate seeing their imperfections through your eyes. They will begin the romance phase, and once again have adoration from their next target. And the next. Then the one after that.
It is an awakening moment, when the mask slips. You are witnessing humanity at its very worst. (If they can be deemed “human—¦I prefer to think of them as aliens).
No matter how attractive you initially thought they were, a sociopath is actually very, very ugly…beneath the mask.
So Wini–
Did you try to defend yourself and tell everyone what this psycho was about?
THis is the worst feeling I have every experienced. Being so wronged and exploited and not being able to do anything about it. And he jumped on anything personal he knew that this shrink knew about me– any little flaw and blew it up a million fold to make me look nuts!!!
I wish you could have seen the act he put on– the crying the yelling– it was amazing.
How am I supposed to live with the photos/memories of my head of literally being alone with Satan? I know what he is now– no one else does.
So what did you do? Any suggestions on my writing this shrink?
akitameg: I didn’t need to tell the idiots that jumped on the bandwagon with the bosses to do me under … anything, they already proved there was something wrong with them to do this in the first place. The real people in there knew what I was dealing with. They all gave me encouragement to keep my spirits up. All those that took sides with the bosses … well, they lost out … and the new bosses that came in to take their positions make these idiots WORK now (oh boo hoo). I’ve still been hearing about how they complain all the time about me … and if I didn’t start this … and if it weren’t for my lawsuit, and if I kept my big mouth shut (hey, I didn’t draw first blood … those that live in glass houses should be rolling bolders on others) it were this or it was that … IT WAS ALWAYS NOTHING. DO YOUR JOB FOR WHAT YOU GET A PAYCHECK AND MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS. PERIOD. So sorry, these fools now have to work for a living … instead of doing all your scummy side dealings while at work. Do I feel sorry for these people. Not a lick. Too bad. Too bad that you have to go to work and do WORK … the FREE ride is OVER.
Now you know the real reason there is so many kiss asses in the work place. It’s not that they like or dislike who’s in charge, they want to get in close so they don’t have to work for a living. They want the bennies for not working for them. They want the chance to cause all the chaos and not get in trouble for doing it. They want the company cars to go where they want to go any time they want to go. They want all the perks and none of the work to have to do. Period. Greed again, there is always greed and selfishness why these folks do what they do.
Peace.
Dear Daisy,
Yepindoodles, we live and learn. I must clarify, and tell you my problems have all been with church ministry leaders, not pastors. I did run into a pretty Narcissistic pastor, but I only sat through one service. He was so obvious, his sermon was like a parody on how a stereotypical narcissistic pastor would preach. His flock kept nodding their sweet little heads like those bobble head dogs on the back deck of a pimp’s caddie too. It woulda been funny if it hadn’t been so sad.
The two ministry leaders were unpaid volunteers. they each gave 12 to 20 hours a week of unpaid labor to the church. Neither had ever been properly vetted for their roll. If they had been through any kind of employment process where references were checked, they NEVER would have been hired!!! Both men had serious, obvious problems in their employment histories. One had a significant criminal record.
No doubt the vast majority of people who give 12 to 20 hours unpaid labor a week to their church are genuine, decent Christians. These guys are surely the exception. By posing as the ultimate in saintly pillars of the church, these two men, one N and one S, have gained easy access to an unending supply of good natured patsies and innocent children.
Positions of authority attract the wrong people fairly frequently. We really want to trust our church leadership. This desire to trust easily extends to the unpaid hands that always seem ready to work.
I’m going to be super cautious about getting involved next time around. I won’t commit myself to anything that locks me into long term relationships with other volunteers until I know all the personalities very well. “Assume nothing!” is my new motto.
You’re smart to watch the pastor like a hawk. Your son is still your boy. If you sense a threat, you’re probably tapping your intuition instead of your paranoia.
It is a shame that we have to learn to be so cautious in a religious setting, but if you read the stories in the Acts and various letters of the Apostle Paul, you will see that before Christ had been risen 30 years, the people in the churches were engaging in false prophecy, bad teaching, bad acts sexually, and every other way and calling it “religion” and binding these things on to others to make them go along with it as well.
The Feds just arrested a “infamous” minister in Arkansas Tony Alamo. Alamo has been a “nut cake” in my opinion for a long time. When hs first wife susan died years ago he was going to “raise her from the dead” and kept her in a coffin above ground for a long time. Then after that he seemed to drop off the radar for a long time.
A few months back the Feds and local cops raided his “compound” where many children were taken away from the “inmates’ there and charges were filed against the parents for allowing “plural” marriages of underage girls etc. Now more charges have been filed, and some of the ex members of the group(s) have filed law suits against Alamo and his “chief helper” for beatings, starvings, and sexual assault.
Alamo hid out for a while but was finally arrested in California. For my opinion the things that he is allegeded to have done, if he is guilty, would make him a “first class psychopath, gold plated.” It will be interesting to see what comes of this trial. I will keep you posted.
What people do in the name of religion and what others are willing to “follow” in the name of some guru is unbeliveable to me when you look at the JOnes cult suicide, and the many others like it.
I tend to be skeptical of anyone who says that God “talks directly” to them, and only them with messages for how other people are to behave.
DarkChocolatepecanpie
OMGHeaven
Bird:
Your ex’s girlfriend asked what the baby needs for Christmas?? I’d like to bitch-slap her. Oops. I apologize for the bad language everyone. She must also be warped to ask such a thing. Although, you could turn this into your advantage and give her a laundry list of things for her to buy. Wouldn’t that by funny?? Let her pay!!
Hi Jame:
The musical chairs thing is so funny but so sadly true. My ex had the OW waiting in the wings for at least 8 months. I remember times he used to storm out of the house to take a walk and call her. He’s probably doing the same to her. The entire time he was probably painting the terrible picture of me and how he wished he was with her. Well, now that she has him for 6 months all to herself, I’ll bet she’s singing another tune. She thought she was getting this great guy, nice car, owned a condo. . . until I took the car back, the condo and she’s finding out he’s mean and doesn’t pay bills. I hope she is enjoying driving him around and watching him enjoy the free meals. I win.
akitameg, I was in your shoes with wanting to “expose” my S. It seemed all I did was damage control for myself. Calling up people and explaining and trying to tell the truth about things. It was exhausting and for nothing!!! Because the people always defended them. Why? Because they never show the side of themselves to these people that we have seen…..they are good as gold and have shown no tendencies or behavioral patterns to these people. Its part of their manipulation tactics which is a craft they haved honed for years. No matter how I stated my case to anyone my S was always defended. It was a vicious cycle that I always came out of on the losing end. They want to be perceived as the “victim” and will always prevail in that. Your S’s therapist is only going on what is being told(doesnt matter he is being duped)and providing therapy for the situation told to him. If you contact the therapist it could possible “fuel” his lies and give the therapist a false impression. If you have been made out to be the “bad one” then it could make you look like you are trying to jeopardize his therapy. After all its not couples therapy. I suggest that you get a therapist of your own so you can tell your side to someone. And let it all out. Heck get a therapist in the same office…maybe they talk in inner circles 🙂 Nonetheless, do not keep it pent up inside you. You deserve better and it will come
Oh my gosh- Anetsu– Thank you!!!!!
I need to let go and let God–
But God, it’s so hard to let go.
I just made that last part up.
Meg,
I thought I’d try and expose my ex on the reptile site I met him on. It backfired on me. Most people didn’t “get” it about sociopaths and it made me out to look like a drama queen. I also had a horrible nightmare that he came after me. I wouldn’t risk more contention with your ex. I really think NC is the best and only defense against these monsters. he will always be conning and deceiving someone. You cannot warn all of his future victims.
StarG