By Joyce Alexander, RNP (retired)
Psychopaths do a great deal of damage to their victims. The fact that there are people who are aware of what they are doing and choose to “look the other way” or to “sit on the fence and do nothing” enables the psychopaths to continue to abuse their victims. If the bystanders would stand up and assist the victims, even acknowledge that they are being victimized, the psychopaths might not be quite so successful.
One of the most famous of these enablers who chose to look the other way was a man named Pontius Pilate, the Roman prefect in Jerusalem in AD 33. When Jesus was brought before him by the Jewish leaders, Pilate stated that he found “no fault” in Jesus, yet he gave Jesus over to the mob to be crucified.
To signify that he had no responsibility for the death of Jesus, Pilate had water and a basin brought and he literally “washed his hands” of what the mob intended to do. Yet, he did nothing to stop it.
The dictionary defines the word “minion” as “a servile follower or subordinate of a person in power.” These people also enable the psychopath to continue to victimize their prey by either helping the psychopath, or by simply “looking the other way” as Pilate did. Minions can also be very active participants with the psychopath in the victimization of the prey.
Examples of doing nothing
A famous case of people knowing a horrible crime was being committed and doing nothing was the murder of Kitty Genovese outside her Queens, NY, home in March, 1964. There were 38 witnesses who did nothing—not even call the cops when they heard her scream for nearly a half hour as she was repeatedly stabbed on that fateful night.
A more recent example of people doing nothing is the Penn State case of Jerry Sandusky’s pedophilia. The head coach and the president of the university knew what Sandusky was doing and chose to do nothing, which allowed Sandusky to continue to abuse young boys sexually for more several years.
Of course not all “enabling” of psychopaths are as “serious” as the crucifixion of Christ, the molestation of dozens of young boys, or the brutal murder of a young woman. But the help and support offered by others does enable psychopaths to “get away with” much more than they would otherwise.
Tattling and telling
We teach our kids not to be “tattle tales” and kids learn not to “snitch” on each other. When my kids were little, I tried to teach them the difference between “tattling” and “telling.” “Tattling” was saying “Johnny called me a doo doo,” but that “telling” was saying, “Johnny is playing with matches and setting fire to the curtains.”
I don’t support gossip or tattling in any way, but we must be aware that when we keep our mouths shut and allow evil to flourish, we are contributing to that evil.
My guess is that most of the people reading this on Lovefraud have experienced people being enablers (either actively or passively) to the psychopath that abused them. People either knew the truth and turned their backs, or actively participated in helping the psychopath accomplish their abuse.
Blame the victim
Psychopaths are also usually very good at the “smear campaign.” When the victim is finally trying to break free, they smear the name, sanity and reputation of the victim to everyone who will listen. Unfortunately, too many times the victim is blamed for their own victimization, or labeled crazy or vindictive for trying to protect themselves. “Yeah he hit her, but she was so mouthy, what can you expect?” Or “well if she’d been a better wife, he wouldn’t have needed to cheat.”
The hurt for the victim becomes double or treble when the enabler or fence sitter is someone the victim counted on for support, such as friend, neighbor, co-worker, relative or even the police and the courts. When someone you have counted on to believe you and validate you, instead turns their back on you, in addition to the trauma from the psychopath, the pain may be simply overwhelming, leaving the victim feeling totally abandoned.
No help
I can’t even imagine the horror that Kitty Genovese must have felt that night as she cried out in terror for someone to save her. Yet, I know that many victims of psychopaths have cried out to people that they expected would help them, would support them, only to find a total lack of concern.
The news reports today are filled with stories of people who “knew” and yet did nothing, or worse, helped the abusers. Whistle blowers are still persecuted relentlessly. Those are facts of life.
For what it is worth, though, even if no one else believes us, it doesn’t change the truth or the facts. While we would appreciate support and validation from others, we don’t always get it, even from those we hold most dear. Learning to validate our own knowledge of the truth may be the closest we come to receiving support.
In my own situation, essentially my entire family, immediate and extended, have either actively assisted my psychopathic son Patrick, stood by silently while he tried to harm me, or washed their hands and didn’t even bother to listen. It hurts when those we have depended on fail us, but it is not the end of the world. In most cases, and we can move on. We can learn to validate ourselves and what we know is the truth.
Fortunately, there is Lovefraud, and the many bloggers here who do support and validate us in our healing journey. I hope that each person here will feel free to reach out to others for support when you need it, and that you will reach out to extend validation and support to others who need your support. That’s what it is all about.
God bless.
Thanks for this article. I am dealing with these “enablers” ten fold right now. In my situation it is the woman who does safe transfers of my child to the spath. I have called her a “psychopath drama fueler” before and as the weeks go on I am only more sure of this fact.
In the past few weeks, this woman has become an extension of the terror. I have started to look at her the same way I look at the spath because right now she may as well me him. She says she wants to be neutral, yet she continues to pass hurtful information from the spath and terrorizes me with his messages. In return, when I have important information to pass for my sons health, I am told that I need to speak to my attorney because she won’t pass any messages as she wants to “remain neutral”.
She also will say things to scare me like, “I think he will try to kill you in about a year” and then she gets on the stand and says she has no concerns about him.
This all being said, I was an “unwitting” enabler for a year. I had no idea what an spath was and who my ex even was. I defended him when he was accused of child abuse because I didnt believe he actually was capable of doing it. Now, I feel terrible for vouching for his character because now I know he has no moral character.
The supervisor, however, has heard all the ugly and truthful details and she still decides to continue working for the devil to torture me.
I think we’ve all been there. Sadly, but true.
Actually, I hold my enablers responsible for what they failed to do and cut all contact with them. I went NC on them as well. I do not regret it, even if it was my own family and dearest friends. For my own protection I didn’t need anyone to “tell” on me to him nor come with their hurtful remarks. They refused to provide me with evidence that would have made my process easier, shorter and I could have escaped the cog.dis., but they didn’t. They could have admitted the truth so I wouldn’t have had to live in disbelief and feel like a crazy person of all my suspicions for so long. Now, thanks to LF I believe in my self, what my intuition was telling me. Maybe he didn’t cheat on me that particularly time, but it doesn’t change who he is either way. When all comes down to it, I’m better without, them as well as him.
This is a very touchy subject for me now. I have been angered beyond any anger I have experienced with the attitudes of my own family, some “friends?”, courts, court facilitators, child supposed advocates and those minions along with his family and religious phonies. It was an all out war waged against a mother and daughter who were just minding their own business living a decent life, giving back to our community for it all to turn on us in the name of “prison release programs and their false abililty to change a psychopath” and DNA held in higher regard than child safety or a woman and a child living a law abiding life.
What a rude awakening I received. I have learned so much researching “how” this could happen to us and finding several moms across the country losing custody of their children to a card carrying felon, disordered father. It appeared the more professional and self sufficient the mother was the harder they fought her in court and falsely labelled her to tear her apart in the judges eyes to get the children away from her. There is no low too low for a lawyer to win. I was said to have threatened to kill my daughter, abort my daughter and said to attempted suicide and they need no evidence. Family court is very arbitrary. I really believe this is due to all the federal funding that is going into the false beliefs that “manhood” class (that is what they are really callled! Manhood 1 and 2!!!)or “domestic violence”, “fathers count” (yes and there’s a 6 week class to change a pedophile into a non-deviate and give him his certification leaving nobody allowed to bring it up) class and many other stomach churning classes with certification of completion at the end make that disordered person better. Until they’re not. They are hiding this at every turn. They are blaming all the increase in adolescent suicide on bullying and the economy. The parents who go missing during court ordered child exchanges, or are just plain murdered and the substantiated abuse accounts that CPS is ignoring due to nobody wanting to admit THEIR CLASS DIDN’T help the psychopath grow a heart or conscience and he beat the kids or molested or killed them but the ultimate fence riders shove that info under the rug as many might be out of a job for their failed federal funded teachings. (this literally is in the billions of dollars from taxes!)
I know it’s an ugly subject. I know I sound very angry. I am. I don’t want to know all I have learned about the billions being spent on the fraudulent teachings of these dangerous people. I am sure I will digest it over time and realize which things I can change and when I have to put it down for the sake of our healing as we just got somewhat free of the clutches of the courts. I just don’t know where I am supposed to go with all that I have learned. It’s a lot. I feel like I was put here to do something with it as I understand it and naturally follow the process. When caught in a whole system of enablers trying to protect your child and their inaction or facilitation helping the psychopath to gain control over your lives, it is hard to swallow. It affected me much more than the previous friends, family and others who didn’t want to get involved or covered for the sicko or plain ol’ had an attitude like “hey don’t make your problems mine”. This seems to be an epidemic in our country. People walking around with blinders on. Taking no responsibility for their part.
I thank you for this topic and I hope I haven’t offended anyone with my rant. I am grateful to get it out and I want people to KNOW what is going on here.
His family are fundamentalist christians from Missouri who believe he was “broken on the rock” (would that be a grey one?:) as he came from prison touting the “word”, carrying his bible and his 12 step book and he managed to gain employment at 4 times any pay he ever made as everyone wanted to helpt this father “get his daughter away from the mother who has alienated that child and in hopes he doesn’t go on in life to commit more crimes”…….WTH? There was a paper trail of evidence to discount every lie but nobody cared to look at it. He went to all the classes in prison he could.
My primal screams for help when I saw the motions and petitons full of lies made me know he had not changed. He filed 3 to 5 per week from his prison cell. “He just wants to be in his daughters life”. Um NO that’s not what he wants.
Destruction is what he wants. With all that support and polishing of his skills, the psychopath is seeping through and taking him down. He’s messing up. But not without completely wrecking our lives first.
Jeez, Yes this is all we have at times. Our own knowledge of the truth must stay in the forefront. If that doesn’t work or you start doubting yourself, thankfully there are places like lovefraud who believe the carniage these sub humans leave in their wake and the internet has many validating websites. It’s bone chilling when I stumble upon sites where actual psycho/sociopaths post.
Wew!
Dear Eralyn,
I hear the pain, the fear and the rage in your post and I am so sorry that you are fighting this PROFESSIONAL ENABLER NET WORK of people who while they may “mean well” are actually ENABLING the psychopath to put on the “sheep’s clothing” and continue their evil.
Those “doo gooders” who think that all a psychopath needs is teaching about how to be a good soul and they will respond by becoming good souls are DELUSIONAL –but sometimes they get government grants to teach those “classes” FRUSTRATING!
C-queen, I think your “neutral” person is getting off on the DRAMA of the entire situation….saying that kind of thing to scare you, then turning around and saying that she can’t take any information to Luc, she is creating and enjoying drama in my opinion.
I suggest that you cut her drama rama off at the knees and REFUSE TO LISTEN to any of her “reports” If you have something too say to Luc about the Prince’s health or whatever, give the drama queen a copy of the WRITTEN information you are passing on to Luc (and of course keep a copy for yourself) Make sure that the written information says something like Prince’s health seems to be good and stable rigth now, he hasn’t had a fever since June 10th, if he should start to run a fever of 101 or more , take him immediately to St. John’s hospital ER on Segway street and tell them that Dr. Spock is his primary doctor 555-1212, and of course you can always reach me on my cell at 1-800-555-1213 enjoy your day together, Queenie
Sunflower,
I know that cutting off so many people from our lives is difficult, but if those people do not ADD to our happiness and peace then we do not need them is my opinion.
I had a small family to start with, and right now it is just me and my adopted son with me essentially being NC or close to it with all my close family and very distant with my extended family (I will speak to them if I run into them in Wal Mart in a friendly way but that is all…no real communication)
Many friends have been let to “drift away” and that is okay….a couple of others I have purposely gone HARD NC with them, total NC with them. That’s okay too.
The few close friends and one son I have that are “with me” and “get it” those are the people I really treasure. Those who sat idly by while I was attacked, or even participated in the attack, or who KNEW ABOUT THE ATTACK and did NOTHING. Why do I need those people in my life?
Yes, thank you Ox Drover for your input. I really thought twice about that lengthy post and not putting that comment there but I hoped that some of the moms here who have gone through the family courts could gain some knowledge or validation that it is a system.
I always commend you for your strength with your son. I know how it is when family chooses to put their heads in the sand rather than call a duck a duck. My spaths mother was my voice of reason years ago when I had the baby but after all those above classes, she believed his prison cell claims of God?!. It broke my heart even more. She didn’t want to hear he had not changed. They even considered filing for “grandparents rights”. I have never withheld her granddaughter! We know how believable the spath can be. I know she’s gonna owe me an apology but it won’t be until he’s harmed someone undeniably, inexcusably probably criminally, unfortunately.
I hope you didn’t feel like I hijacked your post.
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Ox Drover, yes..you are very correct. She is feeding off of the drama. I believe that no matter how much she complains about “being in the middle”…she seems to enjoy “putting herself in the middle” when it comes to saying something that is going to evoke a reaction.
When my mom dropped baby boy off the other day, this woman had the nerve to tell her that both she and my entire family (including my aunts, uncles, etc) needed to stay away from the mall for Luc’s safety. When I heard that, I wanted to slap her silly and say, “listen woman….he doesn’t need to be afraid of any of us. People don’t violently die around my family. That sort of thing is Luc’s experience NOT ours.” I can’t tell everyone I know not to go to the mall just because Luc is there with my son. Seriously? None of us want to be there…but that is not the point…
Dear Eralyn, you didn’t hijack the thread at all. that is what this blog is for is to exchange information and support!
People who “mean well” and want to believe that “there is good down deep in everyone” and that “everyone deserves a second chance” don’t have any idea what evil really exists out there and they don’t WANT to believe that there IS such EVIL because it would be WAY TOO SCARY for them to admit that there is that sort of thing.
Unfortunately, their “see no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil” way of looking at things ALLOWS the EVIL to CONTINUE!