By Joyce Alexander, RNP (retired)
Psychopaths do a great deal of damage to their victims. The fact that there are people who are aware of what they are doing and choose to “look the other way” or to “sit on the fence and do nothing” enables the psychopaths to continue to abuse their victims. If the bystanders would stand up and assist the victims, even acknowledge that they are being victimized, the psychopaths might not be quite so successful.
One of the most famous of these enablers who chose to look the other way was a man named Pontius Pilate, the Roman prefect in Jerusalem in AD 33. When Jesus was brought before him by the Jewish leaders, Pilate stated that he found “no fault” in Jesus, yet he gave Jesus over to the mob to be crucified.
To signify that he had no responsibility for the death of Jesus, Pilate had water and a basin brought and he literally “washed his hands” of what the mob intended to do. Yet, he did nothing to stop it.
The dictionary defines the word “minion” as “a servile follower or subordinate of a person in power.” These people also enable the psychopath to continue to victimize their prey by either helping the psychopath, or by simply “looking the other way” as Pilate did. Minions can also be very active participants with the psychopath in the victimization of the prey.
Examples of doing nothing
A famous case of people knowing a horrible crime was being committed and doing nothing was the murder of Kitty Genovese outside her Queens, NY, home in March, 1964. There were 38 witnesses who did nothing—not even call the cops when they heard her scream for nearly a half hour as she was repeatedly stabbed on that fateful night.
A more recent example of people doing nothing is the Penn State case of Jerry Sandusky’s pedophilia. The head coach and the president of the university knew what Sandusky was doing and chose to do nothing, which allowed Sandusky to continue to abuse young boys sexually for more several years.
Of course not all “enabling” of psychopaths are as “serious” as the crucifixion of Christ, the molestation of dozens of young boys, or the brutal murder of a young woman. But the help and support offered by others does enable psychopaths to “get away with” much more than they would otherwise.
Tattling and telling
We teach our kids not to be “tattle tales” and kids learn not to “snitch” on each other. When my kids were little, I tried to teach them the difference between “tattling” and “telling.” “Tattling” was saying “Johnny called me a doo doo,” but that “telling” was saying, “Johnny is playing with matches and setting fire to the curtains.”
I don’t support gossip or tattling in any way, but we must be aware that when we keep our mouths shut and allow evil to flourish, we are contributing to that evil.
My guess is that most of the people reading this on Lovefraud have experienced people being enablers (either actively or passively) to the psychopath that abused them. People either knew the truth and turned their backs, or actively participated in helping the psychopath accomplish their abuse.
Blame the victim
Psychopaths are also usually very good at the “smear campaign.” When the victim is finally trying to break free, they smear the name, sanity and reputation of the victim to everyone who will listen. Unfortunately, too many times the victim is blamed for their own victimization, or labeled crazy or vindictive for trying to protect themselves. “Yeah he hit her, but she was so mouthy, what can you expect?” Or “well if she’d been a better wife, he wouldn’t have needed to cheat.”
The hurt for the victim becomes double or treble when the enabler or fence sitter is someone the victim counted on for support, such as friend, neighbor, co-worker, relative or even the police and the courts. When someone you have counted on to believe you and validate you, instead turns their back on you, in addition to the trauma from the psychopath, the pain may be simply overwhelming, leaving the victim feeling totally abandoned.
No help
I can’t even imagine the horror that Kitty Genovese must have felt that night as she cried out in terror for someone to save her. Yet, I know that many victims of psychopaths have cried out to people that they expected would help them, would support them, only to find a total lack of concern.
The news reports today are filled with stories of people who “knew” and yet did nothing, or worse, helped the abusers. Whistle blowers are still persecuted relentlessly. Those are facts of life.
For what it is worth, though, even if no one else believes us, it doesn’t change the truth or the facts. While we would appreciate support and validation from others, we don’t always get it, even from those we hold most dear. Learning to validate our own knowledge of the truth may be the closest we come to receiving support.
In my own situation, essentially my entire family, immediate and extended, have either actively assisted my psychopathic son Patrick, stood by silently while he tried to harm me, or washed their hands and didn’t even bother to listen. It hurts when those we have depended on fail us, but it is not the end of the world. In most cases, and we can move on. We can learn to validate ourselves and what we know is the truth.
Fortunately, there is Lovefraud, and the many bloggers here who do support and validate us in our healing journey. I hope that each person here will feel free to reach out to others for support when you need it, and that you will reach out to extend validation and support to others who need your support. That’s what it is all about.
God bless.
Skylar said: They don’t understand that SHUNNING evil is a REQUIREMENT. ANYTHING LESS IS ENABLING. THEY DON’T GET IT.
This is what I spoke about with my therapist, today. Eralyn, I am very sorry and at the moment, relate deeply to what you have written about your parents behavior, (however, my parents arent the enablers) with regard to the similarities, with the experience I am having at this time, and watching play out, before my eyes.
People behave badly. When I experience bad behavior, even indirectly, I refuse to allow that bad behavior get anywhere near me, or the person the bad behavior is in fact directed toward.
How is it that people are so jaded, compliant, accepting of the person who has almost completely distryed our Psyches, and in your case, as I have read, much more than that.
I will be attending a social gathering coming up, im the next few days. The P that did his number on me, is on the list of attendees. I expressed to my “friend” that if he responds to the invitation that he will be attending, I will need to forgo attending the event, and that I would love to meet her for a hike, tea, etc. Her respose to me was; “I can absolutely understand, and until he does something bad to the rest of us, he will continue to be invited”. One of the biggest WTF moments generated by someone I would never think would think in those terms. It was so off the wall to me that I literally had to check in with myself, if you can understand what I mean. It wasn’t necessarily a feeling of betrayal that I had, however, there was obvious betrayal, there, even if my friend would never consciously intend to betray. For me, it was this feeling of beeing dumbfounded by her ease and level of acceptance of the potential this Bastard, spending any time at all, within her own presence, being fully aware of the nature of his ill intentioned crimes. Unbeleivable, really. But there ya have it. The mentality of much of society I am seeing, the ease of acceptance of bad behavior…all there, in a nutshell…
I am not judging my friend, but rather changing my personal perceptions of how safe I should allow myself to feel around enablers… if I am making any sense.
Most grateful for having this place to come to, to release this stuff from my brain…
Shane
Just had this thought…
At the very least “friend” could be dingy, suffer from low selfworth, is missing a chip… but in all honesty, this behavior that she had portrey was very similar to a P trait… in my personal opinion. I think that her response shows a lack of normal empathy, no guage of how good or how bad a person’s behavior is in “normal” terms, and I don’t know what else, but I think my wheels are going to be spinning for some time about this one…
Shane,
that comment from your friend is outrageous, yet all too common. Morally, humanity has lost its way.
Please do me a favor and print out the poem, “The Hangman”
http://scratch.mit.edu/forums/viewtopic.php?id=58325
and give it to her, with my regards. I’m not kidding.
I was talking to my parents regarding my evil sister and they are at their wits end. Not because of her evil, but because they see her being played by her spath and they know that the entire family is in his cross hairs. He is the trojan horse that my spath sent to marry her.
They have a hard time with shunning their own kids. But I told them that the only thing that would get her attention is to shun her. Until then, there is no consequence to being evil and there is no reason to stop. She even told me once, “Skylar, it’s ok to be evil, everyone’s evil. I’m evil, you’re evil, A is evil, D is evil, everyone is evil, except mom.”
My mother’s response was, “I know, she doesn’t even think it’s wrong to be evil because I don’t do anything about it.”
Her response floored me for a second. She was so right. My sister is still living in her childhood. If my parents don’t punish her for something, she doesn’t even think it’s wrong. The police could arrest her, she could lose everything, but for her, the ultimate authority will always be her parents.
When my parents talk to her about how wrong her behavior is, she still doesn’t get it, because their actions speak louder than words. As long as she feels their love, she didn’t do anything wrong. Even evil is OK.
She is a different kind of spath. Perhaps borderline. She just doesn’t “get” reality. Hopefully, my mom has finally heard me and figured it out. Eventually she will have to decide to put her knowledge into action.
Skylar, that poem is extremely poignant.
At this point, however, I am not sure she would make sense of it.
Thanks for posting it, though!
I am glad I personally had the opportunity to read it.
On another note, it was helpful to read your response regarding “friend’s” comment. Although I am clear about my own reaction being that of normal and healthy, your response provoked feelings of validation, and you can never have to much of that.
Thank you~
Shane
Shane,
she doesn’t have to make sense of it right now. In time, over time, her subconscious will bring it to the forefront.
I’m angry at my parents because they overheard my spath say that he was only with me for my money. They SAY that they didn’t tell me because I wouldn’t have believed them. Maybe so, but that doesn’t mean that I wouldn’t have HEARD them. In time, over time, it would have made his behavior make sense to me. It would have taken a lot less than 25 years for me to exit the relationshit.
The poem, may help your “friend” make a decision a lot sooner than she would have otherwise.
You can never have too much wisdom.
You’re right, but she was married to an extreme N for 15 years, and has been out for several years. If she didn’t learn anything from that, how will she ever understand that poem? I am beginning to see the light about many things these days. because of my new found self awareness, i have nothing left in me with regard to enabling the enablers…if you catch my drift. If I am miss understanding something, please feel free to say so. I am constantly learning and growing and I like it! It is working for me. Oh gosh here O go a rambling… I do that when tired… Thanks, again~
Shane, I echo Skylar’s outrage at your “friend’s” response to your assertion that you would not attend the gathering if the spath was going to be there, as well.
Really? REALLY?!?! “Until he does something to the rest of us…” REALLLLLLLY?! Her response is not only outrageous, but screams of “fence-sitting” and enabling. The “friend’s” response is tantamount to saying, “Yeah, so he raped you in your sleep, but until he rapes someone else while THEY’RE sleeping, he’s a great guy.” Utter and ultra bullshitspeak!
Shane, sounds like you might want to consider creating a new circle of friends, at this point. That’s precisely what I’m talking about when I say that I won’t tolerate ANYthing that threatens my recovery and healing. Enabling and fence-sitting are the bars across my boundary gates. Anyone who is willing to be a “friend” to someone who has thoroughly ruined my life is no “friend” of mine and I don’t give a rat’s azz WHAT their “excuse” might be. Married to a narcissist for 15 years provides this “friend” an excuse for allowing a predator to continue working in her social circle? Bullshit.
Brightest blessings
Good Morning All,
Just an update on the custody eval yesterday. I went back to interview first alone, then my husband, then my daughter. My husband was back with the lady for a good while. The interesting part is my ex used my husband as his personal counselor. Seriously-he would have a spat with wifey-poo or one of the kids and call my husband for his advice. My ex would call him just to vent, but now that ex didn’t get his way, he refuses to talk to my husband.
So my husband was able to tell this, how my ex called my son horrible, degrading names, spanking my son up until he was about 16 yo while at his house, and the child abuse incident where my ex left dents in the fridge door from my son’s head. My ex admitted to my then friend, now husband, first-he was the only one who knew. I certainly didn’t, the fridge was always covered with school art, calendars, and other stuff. Sure enough, I took off the art and there were like 3 or 4 dents where my sons head was and a dent toward the bottom where my ex threw keys at my sons legs. I was gone on a business trip and my daughter was spending with relatives in another state. When I returned, my son did not tell me anything about it. Dad does a good job of buttering up someone with extra love, attention, buying things, doing fun things like go carting, etc. to hopefully wash the bad incident away.When I found out, I reported it and since there was no medical report and it was dropped with CPS. The sherriff’s office on the other hand wanted to pursue criminal charges. After all the interviews, they too dropped it. Later my son told me that his dad the same day shoved him into a door frame, kicked him in the stomach, chased him upstairs and spun him around by his feet, hitting his head on a bedframe. The legal system is not family friendly-nor the courts. They want to keep a family together as much as possible, even in situations like this. UGH-
My husband was able to tell the evaluator how my ex is nice and then mean, and back and forth. Appreciates my husband and likes the home we have for the kids, and then gets mean-more like jealous-of how they behave at our house and give him a hard time at his house.
The evaluator said we have tons of documentation, I had a smattering of associates, friends, and professionals who wrote letters of testimony. I have a 7 year+ track record with my counselor, notes in my medical records both military and civilian about my ex’s abusive actions toward me in the bedroom realm. He will be pretty embarrassed if that were to come out in court, especially in front of wifey-poo. My ex admitted he knew he was rough with me to my husband and not to tell anyone, especially not his new wife. Then a few weeks later my ex tells my husband I’m fridgid and that I have issues with men. Oh, brother!
The evaluator did order the MMPI test for all four parents. She said she mainly wants it for my ex and his wife, who have not had counseling and she knows very little about them, but to be fair she has to request it for everyone involved. My ex told me once that in military basic training he had to take some sort of personality test and he got the attention of the docs and they pulled him and tested him a day or two more. That tells me he has learned the art of being a chameleon.
After we dropped my daughter off to school-she hates to miss school-my husband and I went home and callopsed. We had no idea how emotionally drained we’d became. We both felt like we were walking around numb.
Shane,
I know we can’t change the world. I know we can get the word out of what people and who people really are. Look at my moms text to me, “don’t tell and let’s see how this all plays out” and then of course that slap in my face of “I shouldn’t have even told you as you are taking this too far in”!!! Too far in? Try dealing with the reality of learning my own father cannot grow a conscience or some empathy? My mom is the ultimate enabler as she doesn’t want to know and she doesn’t believe she should even tell. A person who was burned might take it to far in!! Like in their heart, mom? In her bent world, we are all on our own. Boy have I felt that since AGE 5! Just the emphasis on “don’t tell” says it all! Shane, you told and for that you got a dose of reality that the hostess of your party isn’t considering it reality until she gets burned right now it is just Shanes reality and to me that’s similar to knowing a poisonous snake is loose at your party but if the guests don’t know, it won’t be a problem…unless….. “I told you so” is not pleasurable for me to say and not for most with a heart. But, you did tell her. My concern would be who else is at that party and what kind of moral characters are you going to be hangin around with not knowing?
Do we think this is where the “don’t ask don’t tell” law came from within the military and homosexuality? We can all pretend it doesn’t exist if we play with this rule. It’s truley sickening. Enabling is giving permission and excuses are like blaming from where I sit.
I saw my counselor today. I have been thrown off by what my father and mother did and their roles in fence riding and disregard of me and my daughter. I have been flooded with memories of all the betrayal I have endured at the hands of my parents and we’ll be working on that with EMDR.
Society as a whole is why Lovefraud is so healing and thank you Donna. We talk about the TRUTH and our real feelings and real dealings with sociopaths/pyschopaths. The whole
experience and the destruction of being tangled up with these types. I really hear intelligence in all who have been victimized and have a heart and a conscience telling us it’s wrong. It’s embarrassing to be “had” to such a degree but as we hear each others stories and give support to each other, it takes the “stupid me” out of the equation and sheds light on how much these jerks are protected in daily life.
This is what must stop. When you know better, you can do better. When you see that others as sensable as yourself have gotten in this trap and been kicked in the teeth by those who should’ve supported us or maybe even protected us, it helps to know some people are just that way and it doesn’t make it right or about something we did or are lacking.
Look at Shanes party she’s to go to. We already know there’s a predator in the mix and most likely an unsuspecting victim since they are keeping him under cover.
Floating Feather,
Are you allowed to subpoena his mental records from the military? In my state nothing is off limits if children are involved. I had to give a financial felon all my bank account info for 8 years and tax returns. I also had to give my counseling records from before I even met this guy.
I hope your ex gets outed by the results of the MMPI.
All in all it sounds like it went pretty well. I really felt bad reading about the dents in the fridge from your sons head. Ugh. I wish these types didn’t have so much power in the courts.