By Joyce Alexander, RNP (retired)
Psychopaths do a great deal of damage to their victims. The fact that there are people who are aware of what they are doing and choose to “look the other way” or to “sit on the fence and do nothing” enables the psychopaths to continue to abuse their victims. If the bystanders would stand up and assist the victims, even acknowledge that they are being victimized, the psychopaths might not be quite so successful.
One of the most famous of these enablers who chose to look the other way was a man named Pontius Pilate, the Roman prefect in Jerusalem in AD 33. When Jesus was brought before him by the Jewish leaders, Pilate stated that he found “no fault” in Jesus, yet he gave Jesus over to the mob to be crucified.
To signify that he had no responsibility for the death of Jesus, Pilate had water and a basin brought and he literally “washed his hands” of what the mob intended to do. Yet, he did nothing to stop it.
The dictionary defines the word “minion” as “a servile follower or subordinate of a person in power.” These people also enable the psychopath to continue to victimize their prey by either helping the psychopath, or by simply “looking the other way” as Pilate did. Minions can also be very active participants with the psychopath in the victimization of the prey.
Examples of doing nothing
A famous case of people knowing a horrible crime was being committed and doing nothing was the murder of Kitty Genovese outside her Queens, NY, home in March, 1964. There were 38 witnesses who did nothing—not even call the cops when they heard her scream for nearly a half hour as she was repeatedly stabbed on that fateful night.
A more recent example of people doing nothing is the Penn State case of Jerry Sandusky’s pedophilia. The head coach and the president of the university knew what Sandusky was doing and chose to do nothing, which allowed Sandusky to continue to abuse young boys sexually for more several years.
Of course not all “enabling” of psychopaths are as “serious” as the crucifixion of Christ, the molestation of dozens of young boys, or the brutal murder of a young woman. But the help and support offered by others does enable psychopaths to “get away with” much more than they would otherwise.
Tattling and telling
We teach our kids not to be “tattle tales” and kids learn not to “snitch” on each other. When my kids were little, I tried to teach them the difference between “tattling” and “telling.” “Tattling” was saying “Johnny called me a doo doo,” but that “telling” was saying, “Johnny is playing with matches and setting fire to the curtains.”
I don’t support gossip or tattling in any way, but we must be aware that when we keep our mouths shut and allow evil to flourish, we are contributing to that evil.
My guess is that most of the people reading this on Lovefraud have experienced people being enablers (either actively or passively) to the psychopath that abused them. People either knew the truth and turned their backs, or actively participated in helping the psychopath accomplish their abuse.
Blame the victim
Psychopaths are also usually very good at the “smear campaign.” When the victim is finally trying to break free, they smear the name, sanity and reputation of the victim to everyone who will listen. Unfortunately, too many times the victim is blamed for their own victimization, or labeled crazy or vindictive for trying to protect themselves. “Yeah he hit her, but she was so mouthy, what can you expect?” Or “well if she’d been a better wife, he wouldn’t have needed to cheat.”
The hurt for the victim becomes double or treble when the enabler or fence sitter is someone the victim counted on for support, such as friend, neighbor, co-worker, relative or even the police and the courts. When someone you have counted on to believe you and validate you, instead turns their back on you, in addition to the trauma from the psychopath, the pain may be simply overwhelming, leaving the victim feeling totally abandoned.
No help
I can’t even imagine the horror that Kitty Genovese must have felt that night as she cried out in terror for someone to save her. Yet, I know that many victims of psychopaths have cried out to people that they expected would help them, would support them, only to find a total lack of concern.
The news reports today are filled with stories of people who “knew” and yet did nothing, or worse, helped the abusers. Whistle blowers are still persecuted relentlessly. Those are facts of life.
For what it is worth, though, even if no one else believes us, it doesn’t change the truth or the facts. While we would appreciate support and validation from others, we don’t always get it, even from those we hold most dear. Learning to validate our own knowledge of the truth may be the closest we come to receiving support.
In my own situation, essentially my entire family, immediate and extended, have either actively assisted my psychopathic son Patrick, stood by silently while he tried to harm me, or washed their hands and didn’t even bother to listen. It hurts when those we have depended on fail us, but it is not the end of the world. In most cases, and we can move on. We can learn to validate ourselves and what we know is the truth.
Fortunately, there is Lovefraud, and the many bloggers here who do support and validate us in our healing journey. I hope that each person here will feel free to reach out to others for support when you need it, and that you will reach out to extend validation and support to others who need your support. That’s what it is all about.
God bless.
Shane,
Hi, I’m still here.
You aren’t going to like my answer though. It will confuse you more, I think. First, let go of any pre-conceptions and just accept that humanity is a big mess and that PD’s come in all shapes and sizes.
Yes I do believe the book is excellent. Peck knows his stuff.
But… how and why does he know his stuff?
Well, if you research Dr. Peck, you will learn that he was never faithful to his wife until he got erectile dysfunction. He freely admitted this before his death. Then he said he was grateful for ED. But his wife, if I recall correctly, left him anyway. He married someone else I think. Someone younger.
He was not a perfect man — by any stretch.
And the dude who saved my life in the sushi bar…
After he told me about spaths, he was feeling my thigh to see if it was flexible enough for yoga…
I guess what I’m trying to say is that it isn’t black and white.
There are many borderline PD’s who will tell you all about spaths, because they’ve been taken by them, but then they will turn around and try to con you or hurt you. A lot of them are psychiatrists or therapists who got into the field because they noticed that they had issues and were different from other people.
So your quote about Peck’s view on evil is not something I can explain. I don’t really remember that in the book. But what I do know is that those who commit evil and then are shocked when other people are MORE evil, are usually borderline. They look for ways to explain what they’ve experienced but they do it differently than a narcissist would do it or a normal person would do it.
It’s all about your perspective and perception. That doesn’t make Peck’s book worthless. on the contrary, I think it gives it more value. I still recommend it, with a grain of salt.
Edit:
I guess, I didn’t really answer your question. I really don’t know what might have been in Dr. Peck’s mind, but it does make me think that he distinguishes between people who do evil and justify it, then believe their justification and those people who don’t require any justification, they just like doing evil and they know it.
My spath just likes doing evil. I know that he is a pure psychopath. I’ve met others who like doing evil but before they do it, they work themselves up into a frenzy of paranoia. Then they convince themselves that they have to kill so that they won’t be killed. I think those people have borderline and/or other PD’s but may not be psychopaths.
On the other hand, I believe my sister is borderline because she is madly in love with her spath husband though she is evil and likes to drive others to suicide. But she said to me, “It’s ok to be evil.” So wtf? That’s like an oxymoron: Ok to be evil?
Who thinks like that? OK is the opposite of evil, right?
my brain falls out when I think about that statement. I have to go put it back in before I accidentally trip on it and squash it.
I will not be reading that book, now. Thank you for explaining. Weather there is insight into things contained within, or not. Knowing the info that you have just provided will in fact dilute or negate all of it’s contents, sheerly due to the fact that I have no tolerance for dishonesty. Cheating men, whatever the reason, are weak, untrustworthy deceivers. Whatever he wrote in that book will seem pointless to me, at this point. Thank you so much for taking the time to address my inquiry. Now, is he not the cat who says; “There is no such thing as being in love”? Yes, I think so, and I do believe I am now experiencing one of those “light-bulb switching on” moments.
Always,
~Shane
Shane,
I think it’s too bad that you won’t be reading the book, but I do understand your gut instinct to stay away from liars.
I don’t do that. I listen to them and watch and study them. There is information to be gleaned from observation.
Liars. It takes one to know one. They can tell us more about other liars than we can learn on our own. That much I do know.
Sam Vaknin, is a perfect example. He DOES know his stuff. It takes one to know one. You just have to realize that they are going to leave things out. You will have to fill in the blanks with your own knowledge. But there are things that they will tell you that you and I could never imagine on our own. They are too perverse for us to imagine. Their feelings are 180 degrees the opposite of ours.
Understanding is never going to come from us, it will have to come from those that are disordered. Remember, we were conned specifically BECAUSE we could not imagine that people like them exist. I certainly couldn’t. It was beyond my limited imagination.
Skylar, I don’t think I have want to expend energy on filling in blanks, at this time, especially the blanks of someone I have no respect for, and after having to try to READ BETWEEN LINES, when things were starting to get funky, you know? But I commend you for having it in you to acheive more insight in this way, through the P’s version of life, as it should be. I guess once I get past the disgust, enough, I may desire to look into things through the P’s eyes. Thank you again. You seem incredibly smart and deep thinking!
((hugs shane))
good for you for having boundaries.
There are many other books which I think will be of use to you, so you don’t need this one right now.
I recommend “Why is it always about you?” By Sandy Hotchkiss. AFAIK, she is not a disordered person. Just a really smart one.
Thank you, Skylar. I appreciate it. I will check out the new recommendation. Hugs back to you! Have you read the Screwtape Letters, by C.S. Lewis?
It’s not about “feminine” or “masculine” rights, but about the rights of “empaths” who already have the responsibility and the responsibility of the “sociopaths” who claim all the rights. IME
Shane, I think that “filling in the blanks” is precisely what we’re meant to do if we’re to be thinking for ourselves, at all. Isn’t this one of the core issues that left me open to spath exploitation? The willingness to allow another human being to dictate what I think, believe, and how to interpret?
Sometimes, it’s a moral imperative to draw one’s own conclusions – this forms an educated system of beliefs rather than a blind acceptance of beliefs that may not have any basis in fact.
There was a very explosive article posted on LoveFraud a long while back that was written by a self-proclaimed sociopath. While the assertions that the author made were designed to provoke and bait, they clearly demonstrated that the author did not have remorse or empathy and that victims benefited from their spath entanglements. Well, the collective outrage was swift and thorough – how DARE a self-proclaimed spath even suggest that my whole-self ruination was of benefit to me (or, anyone else)?! ‘
After my own initial outrage, it took a few weeks for me to cogitate over that one assertion before I finally grasped the grain of truth from the warped arrogance: I DID benefit from my experiences because it was the only way that I was able to learn about my own core issues. The rest of it was meant to bait and outrage LoveFraud readers into a vortex of fury – simply a trolling attempt that worked for a short time.
So, Shane, I would urge that you reconsider the value of “filling in the blanks.” Nobody can (or, SHOULD) draw your conclusions FOR you. When you fill in your own blanks, it’s a powerful epiphany that will stick with you for the rest of your life rather than a regurgitated fact that can be easily sidestepped or washed from the proverbial sidewalk. Our most valuable lessons are those “Ah….HAH” moments when we do the dot-connecting for ourselves, by ourselves.
Anam cara, good point….I don’t cozy up to gender bias where empathy is concerned. I have met inumerable “good _______” (choose whatever organized religion you wish to fill in the blank) that claim to adhere to their chosen religion’s doctrines that are dyed-in-the-wool “bad people” who actively damaged others for their own entertainment and purposes.
Brightest blessings
Floating Feather, thank you for the update on your experiences. I think that it’s important to read how each individual experience in Family Court goes because it demonstrates what a circus it is, from the gate.
I think that my anxiety about court is based upon my attempts to predict the outcomes, and that I have maintained a flawed belief that the Law and rulings are based upon common sense and the best interests of the victims (children and former partners of spaths). I have learned through bitter experience that this simply isn’t true.
I’ve also learned that court is a stage where paid actors go through the motions and the litigants or victims are just paying spectators. The litigants or victims have VERY little involvement in the scripts or how the paid actors will ad-lib from the proposed scripts. The paid actors in Civil and Criminal Courts are familiar with their craft and well-paid for their performances. THEY are the only “winners” in these Courts because they are paid for their performances, regardless. The litigants and victims rarely, rarely “win” anything that will assist in their recoveries.
Brightest blessings
Skylar you have such insight.
These “toxics” do not believe their actions are evil.
They see their actions, as a “defence” against a perceived “threat” and therefore, “justified”
I challenged my SP sister when she took decisions and acted on my behalf, without my knowledge or permission.
“How dare I question “IT’s” authority! This cannot be allowed!”
This was sensed as a threat to “IT’s” ego.
“IT” went into full attack mode. Intimidation, manipulation, smearing, etc……….and when I refused to engage, in came the vicious e-mail saying “IT” was “sick and tired of MY stupid games” LOL