By Joyce Alexander, RNP (retired)
Psychopaths do a great deal of damage to their victims. The fact that there are people who are aware of what they are doing and choose to “look the other way” or to “sit on the fence and do nothing” enables the psychopaths to continue to abuse their victims. If the bystanders would stand up and assist the victims, even acknowledge that they are being victimized, the psychopaths might not be quite so successful.
One of the most famous of these enablers who chose to look the other way was a man named Pontius Pilate, the Roman prefect in Jerusalem in AD 33. When Jesus was brought before him by the Jewish leaders, Pilate stated that he found “no fault” in Jesus, yet he gave Jesus over to the mob to be crucified.
To signify that he had no responsibility for the death of Jesus, Pilate had water and a basin brought and he literally “washed his hands” of what the mob intended to do. Yet, he did nothing to stop it.
The dictionary defines the word “minion” as “a servile follower or subordinate of a person in power.” These people also enable the psychopath to continue to victimize their prey by either helping the psychopath, or by simply “looking the other way” as Pilate did. Minions can also be very active participants with the psychopath in the victimization of the prey.
Examples of doing nothing
A famous case of people knowing a horrible crime was being committed and doing nothing was the murder of Kitty Genovese outside her Queens, NY, home in March, 1964. There were 38 witnesses who did nothing—not even call the cops when they heard her scream for nearly a half hour as she was repeatedly stabbed on that fateful night.
A more recent example of people doing nothing is the Penn State case of Jerry Sandusky’s pedophilia. The head coach and the president of the university knew what Sandusky was doing and chose to do nothing, which allowed Sandusky to continue to abuse young boys sexually for more several years.
Of course not all “enabling” of psychopaths are as “serious” as the crucifixion of Christ, the molestation of dozens of young boys, or the brutal murder of a young woman. But the help and support offered by others does enable psychopaths to “get away with” much more than they would otherwise.
Tattling and telling
We teach our kids not to be “tattle tales” and kids learn not to “snitch” on each other. When my kids were little, I tried to teach them the difference between “tattling” and “telling.” “Tattling” was saying “Johnny called me a doo doo,” but that “telling” was saying, “Johnny is playing with matches and setting fire to the curtains.”
I don’t support gossip or tattling in any way, but we must be aware that when we keep our mouths shut and allow evil to flourish, we are contributing to that evil.
My guess is that most of the people reading this on Lovefraud have experienced people being enablers (either actively or passively) to the psychopath that abused them. People either knew the truth and turned their backs, or actively participated in helping the psychopath accomplish their abuse.
Blame the victim
Psychopaths are also usually very good at the “smear campaign.” When the victim is finally trying to break free, they smear the name, sanity and reputation of the victim to everyone who will listen. Unfortunately, too many times the victim is blamed for their own victimization, or labeled crazy or vindictive for trying to protect themselves. “Yeah he hit her, but she was so mouthy, what can you expect?” Or “well if she’d been a better wife, he wouldn’t have needed to cheat.”
The hurt for the victim becomes double or treble when the enabler or fence sitter is someone the victim counted on for support, such as friend, neighbor, co-worker, relative or even the police and the courts. When someone you have counted on to believe you and validate you, instead turns their back on you, in addition to the trauma from the psychopath, the pain may be simply overwhelming, leaving the victim feeling totally abandoned.
No help
I can’t even imagine the horror that Kitty Genovese must have felt that night as she cried out in terror for someone to save her. Yet, I know that many victims of psychopaths have cried out to people that they expected would help them, would support them, only to find a total lack of concern.
The news reports today are filled with stories of people who “knew” and yet did nothing, or worse, helped the abusers. Whistle blowers are still persecuted relentlessly. Those are facts of life.
For what it is worth, though, even if no one else believes us, it doesn’t change the truth or the facts. While we would appreciate support and validation from others, we don’t always get it, even from those we hold most dear. Learning to validate our own knowledge of the truth may be the closest we come to receiving support.
In my own situation, essentially my entire family, immediate and extended, have either actively assisted my psychopathic son Patrick, stood by silently while he tried to harm me, or washed their hands and didn’t even bother to listen. It hurts when those we have depended on fail us, but it is not the end of the world. In most cases, and we can move on. We can learn to validate ourselves and what we know is the truth.
Fortunately, there is Lovefraud, and the many bloggers here who do support and validate us in our healing journey. I hope that each person here will feel free to reach out to others for support when you need it, and that you will reach out to extend validation and support to others who need your support. That’s what it is all about.
God bless.
@skylar
The following articles speak more to projection and transference than they do to splitting, but if you put them together you get a better appreciation of how it all might work.
I apologize to anyone who follows the links – some here might find it a bit problematic or offensive, but I can’t help that, frankly. I can attest that the things the first journalist says are true.
If you read the second article, keeping in mind that the ‘females’ mentioned in the first article are usually ‘mothers’, and that the fathers in the first article are weak and non-protective, you start to get the picture of what may be going on. The splitting comes in because there are no resources or even any public acknowledgement of this phenomena, and society just WILL NOT admit that this stuff goes on, and most importantly re: splitting demonizes the ‘original’ victims based on gender, on top of everything. So the pain must get buried so deep it has nowhere to go, and when the rage comes out needs to find a target if there’s no safe place to let this stuff out – which there for the most part isn’t.
1) http://fullcomment.nationalpost.com/2011/10/11/barbara-kay-women-are-not-always-the-gentler-sex/
2) http://news.nationalpost.com/2012/10/01/man-sentenced-to-20-years-for-torturing-random-winnipeg-family/
Hi Annie, There is a good book by Richard Skerritt ” Meaning from Madness ” he explains splitting.. It’s a good book, I recommend it…
Annie, Kim and Hens,
I wasn’t going to reply tonight because I don’t have much to say yet. I need to study it more. but I AM replying because, Kim, it has nothing to do with the socratic method. I really am having problems with this and it really feels important that I understand it.
Annie, thanks for giving it a shot. I get cog diss. I get trauma bonding(I’m an expert at it) but how is splitting DIFFERENT FROM THAT? I think splitting is the root of it, but I don’t have a gut understanding of it. Maybe I’m asking too much from others, to explain something that needs to be felt. Most other things, I can remember how it feels. This one may have slipped under my radar.
I know that I trauma bond instantly, when confronted by a spath. I’m attracted to them because being afraid was too dangerous when I was a child. (as Annie explained) But what is splitting ASIDE from trauma bonding. I know some borderline people who don’t trauma bond. Do they split? I know they project. How is projecting and splitting connected?
Hens, I may not be able to get that book. Can you explain what Richard Skerrit describes as splitting?
Camouflaged aggression.
“IT” was very good at hiding it.
I could hear the ‘rumble’ coming
from within and it kept me at arms
length. Very complex. Very scary.
Thinking black and white.
Leaving no room for anything other.
It’s either all right or all wrong.
It’s a defense mechanism.
I find myself relying on it often.
Does that make me a sociopath?
Quite the contrary because I have empathy.
That is something they FAKE.
They TRICK us into trauma bonding.
When that doesn’t work, they THREATEN
and try to control us that way. Sometimes
the threats carry on for years. It must be
QUIET amusing to “IT”. Hm?
Not HALF as amusing as it is to me; trust me.
Splitting, to me, means: ADIOS MOFO!!!! hahahaha
Great explanation:
http://voices.yahoo.com/psychological-splitting-as-defense-mechanism-6183966.html
xxoo
I bought the book “Splitting” by Bill Eddy who I have learned a lot about. He is the director of the “High Conflict Institute” in CA and AZ. He has done much research on divorcing someone with borderline personality disorder. I have a negative opinion from what I have learned and I hope I am wrong about the direction he is heading. This is considered more of a female personality disorder and I hope there are some solid factors that go into diagnosing mothers in custody cases with BPD as I am afraid this may take the place of Parent Alienation Syndrome.
My daughters biohazard father has been diagnosed BPD so I have researched this at length. The first book I read was “I hate you, Don’t Leave Me”. I believe this is where I learned of “good Joe” bad Joe”. I understood splitting to be extreme black and white thinking or knowing in their mind. For instance, when you are “good Joe (or Josephine)” you can do no wrong. Nothing about you bothers them. They see you as a madonna of sorts and maybe idolize you. But with a flip of a switch or perceived slight (doesn’t even have to be real) you become “bad Joe”. They then turn on you and have no recollection of any good feeling about you. You become the enemy and even if you had the most loving moments of your relationship 5 minutes prior, they don’t recall it or think of it or consider it when you are in their “bad Joe” split.
That’s the best way I can describe it. I also have to say, due to the lack of caring or good feeling during these times, they become very dangerous and you become very confused (or I did)…..
[ splitting means to view people or things with extreme negative or positive value. For example, a disordered spouse may at times express that you are wonderful, and at other times express that you are terrible.
Splitting is a defense typically seen in someone with a borderline dynamic. Splitting someone in a positive way enhances that persons emotional value as a secure partner. That is, when BP perceives an intimate partner as someone they can depend on not to leave them, splitting them positive exaggerates the good qualities of that person. Then, having such a wonderful person as a reliable partner increases the feeling of saftey for the BP.
Splitting someone in a negative way can have the effect of defusing or disarming the pain of being abandoned by that person. Thus, if the BP perceives that an intimate partner is about to abandon them, attributing horrible qualities to that person makes abandonment become a positive outcome. After all, no one wants a horrible person as an intimate partner and a source of emotional security.
Bear in mind, BP percieve threats of abandonment based on minute and often irrelevent signals. We may have no idea that a BP has picked up such a suggestion, because the cues they respond to may have no meaning to us and we simply dont notice them. The BP however responds in proportion to their level of fear. Thus, a BP may abruptly and inexplicably split us negative. The result can be extrememy puzzling and upsetting to the person being split.
Splitting can also take an extreme form wich I informally call “splitting out of existence”. Splitting often can be situational, and with a little time and reasurance a BP’s perspective may return to something more usual for them. In some situations, though, the negative splitting may be extreme, complete and permanent.
In this case the bp may permantly refuse to recognize the existence of the other person. he/she may refuse all interaction, and simply act as if the other person isnt there. This again represent a distortion of reality to make things safer for the bp. after all you cant be abandoned by someone who doesnt exsist. it is, however, extremely painful for a partner in an intimate relationship to be split out of existence by the person they love.
splitting someone in a negative way can also be a reflection of a narcissitic defense. it may happen in response to another person revealing a flaw about the disordered person. Consistent with the narcissitic defence described above, a narcissist may demean and devalue the person revealing the flaw. this is equivalent to splitting someone in a negative way.]
Ok now I’m confused… can this also be seen as dr: Jekyll and mr. Hyde behaviour?
When I critized my ex for not helping me out in distress for example, or revealed him in a lie, or just said something that upset him, especially that last one- (I don’t know how many times) I stood there like a ? when he just suddenly got really upset. I just couldn’t figure out what I had said wrong. I would say something like: Maybe you should work things out with your mom, she’s only worried about how you are doing. He runs out of the room and refuses to speak to me. I was left thinking what did I say now? I’d use an hour to drag out of him what I said wrong, but all he’d say was: You’re treating me like an ignorant child, and give me “the evil eye”. I never got any explanation on what the h*ll just happened. I don’t know how many times he went from loving in one minute and hating me in the next. It got me really confused.
If I may go a little out of topic, I’m wondering if you peeps could help me with a dream I had last night. I’m wondering what it means.
Last night I was very triggered and went back in my deppression (really bad) and I dreamt about him again.
In my dream I’m in a room with some people, maybe students and I’m told I have to turn the clock forwards. I’m confused because then the clock will go 10 minutes to fast. It upsets me that the time isn’t right, but I let it go. I walk with two adult men, they’re going to a fix his car, it is broken. The car is in black and looks old, but they tear off the paint and underneath the car is in bright red and I can clearly see it’s a new model- a very nice car to be honest. The car is missing its tires and the engine isn’t working. The two men repairs the engine so it starts working and when they are busy I grab my ex and drags him into the other room. I’m very angry and I say to him: “Now you are going to tell me the truth, what happened with us, why did you leave?” He says:” I’ll show you the text messages I wrote back then. “No”, I say. “I can’t trust you, I can’t trust any of your words.” “Well, now you can, I’ve downloaded a truth detector, every truth will be marked with blue” he says. I’m feeling worried, I don’t know if I want to see the texts, I only want to hear it from his mouth, but he doesn’t say anything. All he says is: “It was one of those argue relationships, it wasn’t good to stay in it. I was worried I had it right when I ment you had to much angst about your birds. I thought it would give you trouble, you wouldn’t gain anything from your birds.” His smirk on his face upsets me, what does he mean with my angst? What angst? I look around and I see I’m out in the middle of the street and he has turn his back at me and left. I try to yell at him, I haven’t gotten my answer yet, but he doesn’t care. I feel tricked again, put me out on the street, alone, somewhere unfamiliar, still with no answers.
I wake up pretty upset. I keep having these dreams where I always ask the same question: What happened? and in every dream, just right before I get my answers to my worries, I wake up. Either I’m upset or my sleep is interrupted.
Sunflower,
Your dream: you mention being with students initially. This to me suggests the dream is telling you that you are learning something (schools, college, university are places of learning). You get a task to forward the clock. In combination with the students that suggests to me that you are ‘learning to move forward’. But you also struggle internally against it. You think it’s not right to move forward yet. A part of you feels it’s more appropriate to still reminisce on what is broken.
The dream next shows you what is broken: a car. A car is a dream tool to symbolize how we ‘move’ through our life. I think this is your car you’re seeing, nobody elses. But it sometimes helps to look at it as another one’s car to face it. The car is old, worn and hasn’t got an engine (energy) anymore. The two guys are your personal helpers imo: they reveal to you a bright new car that is hidden underneath the old one. Red is the colour of vivacity, liveliness. And to top it all off, the car gets a new engine.
Just like the clock the car in the dream is used imo to show you that you are ready now for a NEW, BRIGHT, ENERGIZED life.
The new energy released by the red car with a new engine is then channeled into anger to confront the spath, about why he did what he did.
What you want is closure. It seems that your need for validation and closure is what is holding you back from feeling like you can actually move on and start a new life.
But here’s the thing that is vital for you to accept and understand: a spath will NEVER give you closure. The last thing a spath will want you to do is move on, heal and start a new, livelier life without him. A spath does what he does because he is a spath: because he feels he can and is entitled to it. There is no other explanation to it. You didn’t cause him to behave as he did, and you couldn’t have prevented it either.
It’s a shocking thruth which you will need to embrace about him. He won’t ever give you answers that will give you peace. You have to answer your own questions, validate yourself and give yourself peace. Nobody, not him, nnor your family, nor friends can give this to you. Only you can. That is why YOU had to move the clock forward in the dream.
That he has plenty of girlfriends and isn’t alone shows the opposite of what you judge it to be right now. It is evidence of the fact that he never ever loved you, and that he doesn’t love them either. It has nothing to do with you. You are not crazy, and it’s not your fault. He is the people user who feels nothing and so can discard people like a snicker’s bar wrapper and have a debauchery on trying any chocolate bar he can steal from the aisle.
Do NOT exonerate people for “not meaning it in that way”. Family and friends who blame you for having been raped, who tell others that you are “easy”, and men treating you as some candy are not friends to you. Please avoid them and go no contact with them.
You are not exaggerating their cruel behaviour and comments to you, nor taking it out of context. Yes, you are vulnerable and sensitive. You have every right to be! You see, this is what often happens. The dogs suddenly see a whipped one that is insecure, hurt and frightened. And they jump all over her, seeing their opportunity to bite and abuse the one dog that is defenseless. These are the actions and words of cowards, who will kick and spit on the one person who is already down. The aftermath process of escaping a spath often involves people like this coming out of the woodwork galore. It says something about THEM, not you (other than that you are vulnerable right now). This is the time when all ugly people in your environment take off their own masks, and expose their true unempathic nature. It’s ugly, cruel and harsh. But you can come out of it stronger, by shedding them out of your life, and make room and time for much better people in your life.
They do not DESERVE your company, and you DESERVE much better people in your life.
darwinsmom: thanks for your post.
It was kind of like the icing on this cake of discussion.
I don’t think of splitting as flipping back and forth between
personas, least it’s not for me. I only have ONE persona.
Thank goodness. ONE is all I can handle. lol
For me: splitting means that there is a right and there is a wrong.
Black and white, yes. I don’t use this in any other way. I am not
happy one moment and ugly the next. I am told I have a very
NORMAL and STABLE personality, actually. Amazing, having
come through all this garbage. There is a ‘right’ and there is
a ‘wrong’. That is our choice to make. Not one dictated.
TO ME: splitting means that I make judgments on people
that I don’t mind having around me or talking with. That
decision is right or wrong.
THINGS are ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ and that ‘right and ‘wrong’
HAS to be based in black and white. Am I wrong?
Not for me, I am not.
Kicking a dog is wrong.
Killing a cat is wrong.
Hitting people is wrong.
Black and White.
WE REFRAIN.
But ppaths do it anyways because they can.
I don’t kill and torture animals and people.
In fact, I am agoraphobic and prefer to be
left alone. I am a hermit in my cave and
quite happy with that.
No, not exaggerating their cruel behavior and comments,
not at all. Not taking it out of context either.
You are right darwinsmom.
That last paragraph is absolutely right.
I split people into ‘safe’ and ‘not safe’ –
I consider that splitting. Right/wrong:
I consider that splitting.
I mean, I am talking about MY healing.
I am past talking about their stuff – who cares?
They are ugly and not going to change.
“I” am going to change, though.
I am and I am doing it.
Maybe I have my meaning of splitting wrong.
Stop watching the roadshow Sunflower. It is being
performed to hurt and maim you. Ignore it with disdain
and move forward with your head held high.
You deserve better than someone like that.
What a hateful, ugly person….
Slam that door in “IT’s” face.
THAT is the best revenge.
They hate being ignored.
Dupey
Sunflower, my response is kind of lengthy, so I apologize, in advance. It’s like this: when they’re called to the mat about their behaviors, they have a very keen ability to project back onto their targets. You see, they’ve studied us, our needs, our strengths, and our vulnerabilities. They know what buttons to push, and how hard to push them.
Do they do this, consciously? I don’t believe that they do except in rare situations. They don’t wake up, each morning, and say to themselves, “Today, I’m going to destroy the target’s self-esteem by saying/doing ______.” No, of course, they don’t do this. But, they do it by instinct because they do, indeed, feel entitled to have whatever it is that they wish.
Knowing everything about spathology is an impossibility, as far as I’m concerned. I will never know everything, and I don’t believe that there is any single source that can provideall of the answers to this condition. It’s not a disorder – it’s a condition that cannot ever be cured or managed. While many professionals and researchers pontificate and hypothesize about how, why, when, and whom this condition affects, there will never be a clear, concise answer to any of those questions. Sociopathy – bad people – are, and always WILL be, a part of the whole Human Condition.
Sunflower, there are some experiences that we simply cannot process, on our own. Sometimes, the best option is to seek individual counseling therapy with someone that “gets it.” The human psyche is equipped to manage a host of tragedies and events – most times, we recover under our own power, but other experiences are too traumatic for us to process – the death of a child, a natural disaster, a terrorist attack…random things over which we have no control, nor would be able predict.
Sociopathic carnages are, IMHO, the most challenging to recover from because their actions are deliberate, malicious, and virtually premeditated – they bring down other human beings for their own entertainment and purposes, and they feel NO remorse for the pain that they cause. Whatever personal issues that I already had were exploited to the exspath’s benefit, and I had to face some simple but painful truths that I never would have been able to recognize (much less, define) without the assistance of a strong counseling therapist.
You mentioned, “All I ever wanted was love.” Well, it may be an important milestone in your healing to learn why you believe that “love” needs to come from an outside source – very much like my own flawed beliefs. Because of my severely damaged “inner child,” my system of beliefs revolved around other people, and not myself. It was MY job to see that the peace was kept and that other people were “happy.” It was MY job to gain their approval and acceptance rather than approve of myself and accept myself. BAM….in my counseling sessions, I was able to get the gist of how I was so easily targeted and fell prey. BAM….it finally sunk in that I don’t need to RE-act to anyone else’s perception of me. All of this happened within a few months, and it was frighening, painful, enlightening, and empowering, all at the same time.
So, you’re not “the one who’s really mentally ill.” You’re trying to manage something that is beyond your level of knowledge and skill – just like the greater majority of us. When your roof leaks, you call a roofer. When you break a bone, you see an orthopedic surgeon. When your car’s engine stops working, you take it to a mechanic. When my ability to manage my personal issues becomes overwhelming, I seek out the services of someone who has the knowledge, training, and experience that “GETS IT.”
The first rule of “No Contact” is that this extends to everyone that may be involved, even on a peripheral level. Allowing the topic of the spath to be raised becomes our choice and responsibility. I don’t discuss my situation with anyone, nor do I allow discussion of the exspath, what he’s claiming to be doing, what he really IS doing, or anything else. This takes my emotional control out of the hands of fence-sitters, enablers, minions, and the uneducated “well-meaning” outsiders that simply “don’t get it” and puts it squarely back into my own hands.
Of course, you’re sensitive, Sunflower. Criminy crissmass, you’re wounded and raw. Cut yourself some emotional slack and realize that you are “allowed” to have feelings of all sorts. The healing will come, in due time, especially if you make the choice to talk with a counseling therapist that “gets it.”
Brightest blessings