By Joyce Alexander, RNP (retired)
Psychopaths do a great deal of damage to their victims. The fact that there are people who are aware of what they are doing and choose to “look the other way” or to “sit on the fence and do nothing” enables the psychopaths to continue to abuse their victims. If the bystanders would stand up and assist the victims, even acknowledge that they are being victimized, the psychopaths might not be quite so successful.
One of the most famous of these enablers who chose to look the other way was a man named Pontius Pilate, the Roman prefect in Jerusalem in AD 33. When Jesus was brought before him by the Jewish leaders, Pilate stated that he found “no fault” in Jesus, yet he gave Jesus over to the mob to be crucified.
To signify that he had no responsibility for the death of Jesus, Pilate had water and a basin brought and he literally “washed his hands” of what the mob intended to do. Yet, he did nothing to stop it.
The dictionary defines the word “minion” as “a servile follower or subordinate of a person in power.” These people also enable the psychopath to continue to victimize their prey by either helping the psychopath, or by simply “looking the other way” as Pilate did. Minions can also be very active participants with the psychopath in the victimization of the prey.
Examples of doing nothing
A famous case of people knowing a horrible crime was being committed and doing nothing was the murder of Kitty Genovese outside her Queens, NY, home in March, 1964. There were 38 witnesses who did nothing—not even call the cops when they heard her scream for nearly a half hour as she was repeatedly stabbed on that fateful night.
A more recent example of people doing nothing is the Penn State case of Jerry Sandusky’s pedophilia. The head coach and the president of the university knew what Sandusky was doing and chose to do nothing, which allowed Sandusky to continue to abuse young boys sexually for more several years.
Of course not all “enabling” of psychopaths are as “serious” as the crucifixion of Christ, the molestation of dozens of young boys, or the brutal murder of a young woman. But the help and support offered by others does enable psychopaths to “get away with” much more than they would otherwise.
Tattling and telling
We teach our kids not to be “tattle tales” and kids learn not to “snitch” on each other. When my kids were little, I tried to teach them the difference between “tattling” and “telling.” “Tattling” was saying “Johnny called me a doo doo,” but that “telling” was saying, “Johnny is playing with matches and setting fire to the curtains.”
I don’t support gossip or tattling in any way, but we must be aware that when we keep our mouths shut and allow evil to flourish, we are contributing to that evil.
My guess is that most of the people reading this on Lovefraud have experienced people being enablers (either actively or passively) to the psychopath that abused them. People either knew the truth and turned their backs, or actively participated in helping the psychopath accomplish their abuse.
Blame the victim
Psychopaths are also usually very good at the “smear campaign.” When the victim is finally trying to break free, they smear the name, sanity and reputation of the victim to everyone who will listen. Unfortunately, too many times the victim is blamed for their own victimization, or labeled crazy or vindictive for trying to protect themselves. “Yeah he hit her, but she was so mouthy, what can you expect?” Or “well if she’d been a better wife, he wouldn’t have needed to cheat.”
The hurt for the victim becomes double or treble when the enabler or fence sitter is someone the victim counted on for support, such as friend, neighbor, co-worker, relative or even the police and the courts. When someone you have counted on to believe you and validate you, instead turns their back on you, in addition to the trauma from the psychopath, the pain may be simply overwhelming, leaving the victim feeling totally abandoned.
No help
I can’t even imagine the horror that Kitty Genovese must have felt that night as she cried out in terror for someone to save her. Yet, I know that many victims of psychopaths have cried out to people that they expected would help them, would support them, only to find a total lack of concern.
The news reports today are filled with stories of people who “knew” and yet did nothing, or worse, helped the abusers. Whistle blowers are still persecuted relentlessly. Those are facts of life.
For what it is worth, though, even if no one else believes us, it doesn’t change the truth or the facts. While we would appreciate support and validation from others, we don’t always get it, even from those we hold most dear. Learning to validate our own knowledge of the truth may be the closest we come to receiving support.
In my own situation, essentially my entire family, immediate and extended, have either actively assisted my psychopathic son Patrick, stood by silently while he tried to harm me, or washed their hands and didn’t even bother to listen. It hurts when those we have depended on fail us, but it is not the end of the world. In most cases, and we can move on. We can learn to validate ourselves and what we know is the truth.
Fortunately, there is Lovefraud, and the many bloggers here who do support and validate us in our healing journey. I hope that each person here will feel free to reach out to others for support when you need it, and that you will reach out to extend validation and support to others who need your support. That’s what it is all about.
God bless.
Splitting=core of cognitive dissonance
Truthspeak – what you said this morning at 9:17 was perfect. Great post.
Sunflower, don’t let anyone tell you that you can’t change those behaviours – if you feel badly about them you can change them – you just need the right guidance. One good tip is try to modify them when you’re NOT in loaded situations – to try to think through HOW you’d like to respond in triggering situations BEFORE you’re in them. Not sure if you’re were talking about this kind of thing, but I found this link really helpful: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LhuzpUlaX_k
Great discussion. Truthspeak, I loved what you said about defending ourselves. It is so true. If we get caught up explaining ourselves, or defending ourselves, we are actually pointing out our vulnerabilities to the other, and if the other is abusive, we will be abused. I am also aware that the best defence is a great offense to these types…so, the minute you find fault with them, they quickly come at you with something you did, or didn’t do….they turn the tables to take the spot light off of themselves, they distract us with this tactic, and we find ourself in defense mode. They win.
When my SIL were at odds last week, one thing I didn’t do was address in any way the things he was accusing me of. I kept my focus firmly on him, and though I became angry, I kept my head about me….I hung up on him.
SStill haven’t had any contact with him, and only limited contact with my D.
It’s interesting, though, after having read a few articles on Transactional Analysis, how much easier it is to detach from a situation and observe it.
I have talked to my daughter on the phone, and can now see her switching into child role. All very interesting.
I think this discussion on splitting fits right in with the whole transactional analysis thing, too.
After having read some articles about splitting, I find a sticking spot in my own thinking. All this time that I’ve been battling cog-diss, I’ve been splitting, when what I thought I was doing was integrating.
For instance, I still struggle with what I percieve to be my X husbands good points….I know most of you will tell me, he had none, he was always faking…but, honestly, to me, that seems like splitting…..he’s all bad.
So I have been trying to keep him intact in my mind, as someone who is both, bad and good, but it’s still split down the middle…does any of this make sense?
Also, I try to integrate myself, by recognizing my own flaws and short-comings, a long with a healthy sense of self-respect, but that is also split….
I think my most triggering moments involve this sort of thing.
Did I run everybody out of the room? Sorry, guys.
Kim,
I think it’s very healthy to see a person realistically for who and what they are. The majority of people have both good and bad (or conscious and unconscious) in them and hopefully more good than bad. My upbringing was a nightmare because of my abusive stepfather who would beat me all the time. But he would also take me fishing and play cards with me, and those are happy memories. Even though he was a sick person, he did have some redeeming qualities. In spite of the fact that my parents were all narcissists, they instilled a love of travel in me because we use to take road trips across the country when I was young and actually moved from one coast to the other when I was a teenager. Though I was traumatized from the many moves and lack of stability, after many years of healing, I came to appreciate how much the travel opened my mind to new people and things. Now I can say everywhere I go, every country, every new activity I take up….it’s easy for me to talk to people and make friends and carve out a niche for myself, because I had to do it so many times when I was young.
When I think back on the sociopath and his “good qualities”, however, I do not regard them as genuinely good qualities. But I do think he wanted to be what he advertised himself to be in some way. I do think that when he was claiming to be in love with me, in some spathetic way, he actually believed it in the moment. I think he mistook infatuation or desire for love, as many people do when they don’t understand how to love. If I were to sit down and think about him after all these years, I’d probably feel sorry for him. But the truth is that unless I come here, I just don’t ever think about him. I would not really describe him as having good qualities. But I regard him as doing the best he can given his level of consciousness. He is just doing what he does, just like a dog barks. He may at some point even try hard to stop doing it. Maybe or maybe not. Don’t know or care.
One thing I’ve discovered, by listening to one of my “friends” is that such people really do believe they are in love.
A girlfriend of mine, who has a tendency to shift her men out more often than socks, say she feels as if she’s on a high when she’s in love. She feels powerful, strong, independent, beautiful, you name it. She feels intoxicated – her own words exactly. When everydaylife hits her, she moves on to another man. When everyday life sets in she feels inadequate, weak, unsure of her self, rejected, finds a thousand reasons to why she needs to leave her man. Many times she’s unfaithful before she leaves. She leaves her men feeling nothing but emptiness, but she has never once regretted what she’s done. She never looks back and she mourns the relationship before she goes out of it. When she’s out she’s completely done with them. I see it very unfair to the men that they are unaware of her mourning the relationship while she’s with them, but since I never met any of them (only the current one) I don’t know if they were left in havoc or not. As far as I know the men are unaware of what’s going on.
She say’s she really really loved them, but to me it seems like she’s lying to her self. If you love a person you LOVE them even when the crush is over. I don’t think a crush lasts for a lifetime, but love can. I think she’s fooling her self, she doesn’t love them, she loves the high that a crush gives.
Sunflower, Your friend is getting high off of narcissistic supply. She can’t form real attachments, but can get “intoxicated” by feeling she is adored and adulated by this ideal supply source. When she is “intoxicated, she is in the idealization stage of her romance; living the fantasy of perfect love. When reality sets in, that is, when her mask begins to slip, and her supply source no longer sees her as ideal, and there-for no longer mirrors an ideal reflection for her to gaze at adoringly, she pulls the dread D and D. She devalues then disgards her used to be ideal lover, usually only after finding and securing her next fix.
yep I know. I’m just bewildered that they themselves think it’s love.