By Joyce Alexander, RNP (retired)
Psychopaths do a great deal of damage to their victims. The fact that there are people who are aware of what they are doing and choose to “look the other way” or to “sit on the fence and do nothing” enables the psychopaths to continue to abuse their victims. If the bystanders would stand up and assist the victims, even acknowledge that they are being victimized, the psychopaths might not be quite so successful.
One of the most famous of these enablers who chose to look the other way was a man named Pontius Pilate, the Roman prefect in Jerusalem in AD 33. When Jesus was brought before him by the Jewish leaders, Pilate stated that he found “no fault” in Jesus, yet he gave Jesus over to the mob to be crucified.
To signify that he had no responsibility for the death of Jesus, Pilate had water and a basin brought and he literally “washed his hands” of what the mob intended to do. Yet, he did nothing to stop it.
The dictionary defines the word “minion” as “a servile follower or subordinate of a person in power.” These people also enable the psychopath to continue to victimize their prey by either helping the psychopath, or by simply “looking the other way” as Pilate did. Minions can also be very active participants with the psychopath in the victimization of the prey.
Examples of doing nothing
A famous case of people knowing a horrible crime was being committed and doing nothing was the murder of Kitty Genovese outside her Queens, NY, home in March, 1964. There were 38 witnesses who did nothing—not even call the cops when they heard her scream for nearly a half hour as she was repeatedly stabbed on that fateful night.
A more recent example of people doing nothing is the Penn State case of Jerry Sandusky’s pedophilia. The head coach and the president of the university knew what Sandusky was doing and chose to do nothing, which allowed Sandusky to continue to abuse young boys sexually for more several years.
Of course not all “enabling” of psychopaths are as “serious” as the crucifixion of Christ, the molestation of dozens of young boys, or the brutal murder of a young woman. But the help and support offered by others does enable psychopaths to “get away with” much more than they would otherwise.
Tattling and telling
We teach our kids not to be “tattle tales” and kids learn not to “snitch” on each other. When my kids were little, I tried to teach them the difference between “tattling” and “telling.” “Tattling” was saying “Johnny called me a doo doo,” but that “telling” was saying, “Johnny is playing with matches and setting fire to the curtains.”
I don’t support gossip or tattling in any way, but we must be aware that when we keep our mouths shut and allow evil to flourish, we are contributing to that evil.
My guess is that most of the people reading this on Lovefraud have experienced people being enablers (either actively or passively) to the psychopath that abused them. People either knew the truth and turned their backs, or actively participated in helping the psychopath accomplish their abuse.
Blame the victim
Psychopaths are also usually very good at the “smear campaign.” When the victim is finally trying to break free, they smear the name, sanity and reputation of the victim to everyone who will listen. Unfortunately, too many times the victim is blamed for their own victimization, or labeled crazy or vindictive for trying to protect themselves. “Yeah he hit her, but she was so mouthy, what can you expect?” Or “well if she’d been a better wife, he wouldn’t have needed to cheat.”
The hurt for the victim becomes double or treble when the enabler or fence sitter is someone the victim counted on for support, such as friend, neighbor, co-worker, relative or even the police and the courts. When someone you have counted on to believe you and validate you, instead turns their back on you, in addition to the trauma from the psychopath, the pain may be simply overwhelming, leaving the victim feeling totally abandoned.
No help
I can’t even imagine the horror that Kitty Genovese must have felt that night as she cried out in terror for someone to save her. Yet, I know that many victims of psychopaths have cried out to people that they expected would help them, would support them, only to find a total lack of concern.
The news reports today are filled with stories of people who “knew” and yet did nothing, or worse, helped the abusers. Whistle blowers are still persecuted relentlessly. Those are facts of life.
For what it is worth, though, even if no one else believes us, it doesn’t change the truth or the facts. While we would appreciate support and validation from others, we don’t always get it, even from those we hold most dear. Learning to validate our own knowledge of the truth may be the closest we come to receiving support.
In my own situation, essentially my entire family, immediate and extended, have either actively assisted my psychopathic son Patrick, stood by silently while he tried to harm me, or washed their hands and didn’t even bother to listen. It hurts when those we have depended on fail us, but it is not the end of the world. In most cases, and we can move on. We can learn to validate ourselves and what we know is the truth.
Fortunately, there is Lovefraud, and the many bloggers here who do support and validate us in our healing journey. I hope that each person here will feel free to reach out to others for support when you need it, and that you will reach out to extend validation and support to others who need your support. That’s what it is all about.
God bless.
Thank you all for wonderful posts and bless you all who is still struggling. I wish you all well.
I appreciate every single advice I’m getting here, they are very very helpful! I’m beginning to get it and I’m putting the new consciousness into action and it feels like burdens are about to lifted from my shoulders. I am working my *ss off. The triggers are terrible, but after I’ve worked them out, life changes bit by bit. LF is truly a life saver. The work is hard, but I believe you when you tell me it’s gonna be allright. I will get thru this:) This thread is very educational:)
Annie/ Truthy:
” So you’ve learned a lot of your lifeskills and coping from your mother, and that’s not so good. ” – This is where my confusion sets in regarding the spath. This is where the validation comes in. This is where the blame and shame sets in. Was it me or was it him. I go over and over it in my mind, what did I do wrong? Did I imagine it all? Did I perceive it like that because of my childhood? Was it my destructive skills who pushed him into doing those things? When triggered = massive confusion. Maybe it’s no basis in fact guilt?
Sunflower, you’re at the entrance onto your healing path – if you try to see far down that path, it looks like a tremendous distance, and there are things far off that you can’t identify, but they appear menacing. So it is for people who are choosing to heal.
The healing process, IMHO, is the furthest thing from how it’s generally depicted. It is painful. It is gut-wrenching. It is frustrating. It is a series of events that are thoroughly uncomfortable, and there’s no “easy” way to accomplish true healing.
But, what happens after these painful epiphanies and the hard work is better than any “ah…HAH!” moment, imaginable. For me, it’s like being Hellen Keller. I’ve been deaf, dumb, and blind for my entire life, and I didn’t even know that I wasn’t able to see, speak, or hear. I just knew that I was going through the motions that were comfortable to me, every day. I wasn’t learning, I wasn’t coping, and I wasn’t truly living. I was simply existing.
I don’t know how or where this notion of Life being warm, fuzzy, and happy comes from, or why we’ve been led to believe that “bad things” aren’t simply a part of the process of living, but it’s erroneous. Life is harsh, sometimes. Life isn’t “fair,” and that’s a fact. But, Life offers something intangible to us that’s beyond my ability to describe. Yeah, I’m struggling, but I’m not dying, just yet. I’ve accomplished a great deal under my own power – securing the pitiful job that I have, for instance. I applied for the position and was hired because I am qualified – NOT because I “knew” somebody or someone pitied my situation.
Sure, I’m boiling water on the wood stove to wash dishes and bathe. Yeah, I’m “cooking” in a crock pot or a toaster oven, and it sucks. But, I’m still upright and breathing, and it’s because of my own efforts.
Sunflower, NO……..you didn’t “DO SOMETHING” to deserve what the spath did to you. This, as your counselor will explain, is in direct correlation to how you were raised to believe that YOU are responsible for someone else’s LIFE.
We don’t go around looking to be victimized, Sunflower. But, when we are, our system of flawed core beliefs suggests that WE are responsible for the choices and actions of others. Isn’t that what we heard from our parent(s) over, and over, and over, again?
So, this healing process isn’t going to be pleasant. It isn’t going to be easy. But, it’s going to be absolutely amazing for you, seriously. At some point – very soon, it appears – you are going to say to yourself, “Sunflower, by god, he IS a vicious predator and saw each of my personal issues as a tool!” The responsibility of HIS actions will begin falling upon HIS shoulders. Yeah, there’s collateral damages, but they’re part and parcel of spath entanglements. Sort of like my situation – I didn’t ask or demand to relocate to a structure that was falling apart, but it was the only option available. I cannot BLAME THE IDIOT for this only option, but I am not going to “blame” myself, either.
I think the epiphany began when I finally accepted – not just mouthed the words, but emotionally accepted – the fact that the exspath never (NEVER) cared, and that no spath ever cares. I could not process what this meant. How could someone simply NOT care? WHY would they not care? What prevents them from caring? What does “care” mean, anyway? Omigod, if I had sought all of those answers, I’d still be chasing my tail in the moonlight.
They are what they are. They have no emotion. Literally. The only “emotion” that they might “feel” is anger. The anger is when they’ve been outed or they don’t have their ways. But, it’s not a righteous anger. It’s a selfish anger. They don’t feel. They don’t care. And, they don’t care because they don’t feel.
Sunflower, you’re on a threshold It may seem scary or risky, but don’t be afraid to take that leap! Haven’t we made enough decisions based upon fear?
Brightest and most supportive blessings
Sunflower,
You mentioned how you are starting to realize that you knew what was right and what was wrong all by yourself, that it was somethign you were born with.
And that to me is the answer! It is called ‘integrity’. You were born with it. Having a sense of right and wrong is something we are born with. Environment, such as the way we were raised, either validates this perception or tries to invalidate or corrupt it. Hence we start to doubt ourselves in our long journey from childhood to adulthood and beyond. A spath is the ultimate and most dangerous and painful experience to discover that our perception of right and wrong is a fundamental core-talent of us that we would have developed without it being taught. And in that realization we find the strength to rely upon our own abilities to judge and validate ourselves, rather than rely on the arguments of others.
My first memory is of my 2nd birthday, and not getting what I wanted though I was per social custom entitled to it. When children have a birthday they know very early on they have first choice that day. Another child took what she wanted, which would have been what I would have chosen, before I even had a chance to voice my desire. And no adult intervened in that. I felt an injustice, and thus entitled, and I felt envy because I coveted what the other child had taken. But aside from those feelings I felt something else more acutely than either envy and entitlement: I felt those two feelings were bad and petty feelings. And I said nothing. I could not make those feelings of envy and injustice dissapear magically. But the sensation that these were bad feelings, made me make an effort to find enjoyment in other stuff that day. Nobody knew and the pictures from later on during that birthday party show me having fun and pleasure, even though I despised the blue rimmed sunglasses I was wearing.
This judging envy and entitlement as something bad came solely from myself. I was a single child, and I lacked nothing at home. My daycare mom loved me and when I met her years later during a reunion she mentioned she never had to chide me for anything. Though I had a privileged situation where I didn’t need to share any of my toys during my pre-kindergarten years, I never needed to be taught to share, never needed to be taught to leave the toys of other children alone. That’s how I know I can rely purely on myself to know right from wrong.
Stargazer, your post about anger was very enlightening for me. I have a history of depression but didn’t want to admit it even to myself. You helped me to see how I turned my anger inwards and didn’t give vent to it. I must have learned that as a coping mechanisim when I was young and powerless. I could just see the truth of it all, so clearly in your explanation. Thank-you.
Annie, one thing, sometimes the things that are buried inside that are causing us pain are not what we think. We really don’t know what is in there until it comes out. I had this concept that I was still carrying a lot of anger because I was still depressed. But when I was able to access the actual feelings, it was mostly a fear of rejection. Fear is very contracting and will also make you depressed if you give in to it. So will hopelessness if it is repressed. I would caution you about having any concept of what is repressed inside of you. How do you know you are angry? If you feel angry. Then you know. Until you feel angry, you really don’t know that you are angry. I think if you are beating yourself up or self-abusing, there is a good chance you are dealing with some anger. But I have found that it’s easier to deal with anger when I know I am angry. Sometimes the inner child is scared or afraid to be out of control. This is different from being angry. It’s really important to directly experience the feeling and be able to get the correct label for it.
When my hypnotherapist regressed me, he told me that whatever is inside that is holding me back is probably not what I think it is. He said that in 40 years he’s been doing hypnotherapy, only one person ever “knew” what it was. He said that if I knew what it was, I would have dealt with it already, and he’s right. This is why meditation and inner child work is so helpful (hypnotist regressed me to about 5 years old). You actually just ask the child what she is feeling and what she wants, rather than guessing. And you can actually feel whatever she is feeling. Then you can bring that child inside of you and “own” that part that you’d been out of touch with. It creates more of a sense of groundedness and wholeness. When you directly experience the feeling and call it what it is, it often changes. It has been brought out into the light of your awareness, so it is no longer repressed. Generally, the feelings just want to be heard and experienced. Then they go away. Does that make sense?
Anam cara, so glad something I said could be helpful to someone. As one who has been through horrendous depression, I speak directly from my life experience.
Truthy,
What you said to Sunflower this morning at 6-ish is RIGHT ON!!! You have got it girl and you explained it so well.
OxD, I know how I “feel” about my issues and how my childhood dynamics pretty much prepared me to be a target. It’s a frustrating feeling to me because I don’t believe that my parents “intended” for me to develop this way. I think that they did what they thought was right, even though the ramifications were pretty grim. Even my older brother – a brilliant man, alcholic, and probably bi-polar – exhibits GUILT issues. He gives in to people’s demands and expectations because he feels GUILTY and full of SHAME. I can clearly see this, now that I understand what it is.
So, recognizing core issues that relate to my own helps me to heal, literally. Knowing that other people out there developed shame-cores really helps me to understand that my core beliefs aren’t isolated. Many, many people out there were damaged as children, and they don’t even know it.
It’s like that movie, “Sixth Sense.” “I see wounded inner child people. They walk around and don’t know that they’re wounded.”
Brightest blessings
I’ve just had an aha moment about the enablers. I had a little discussion with a man who said he had a male psycopath as a friend. He was aware of what his friend was doing, what he was and what he did to the girls, but still he admired him. Why? Because all he saw was a guy who got all the pretty girls. Admiration to say the least. He him self was very lonely, vulnerable and struggled with finding any girl at all. His friend told him how he did it and why, and managed to convince him why it was the way to go. “If you want the girls this is how you need to do it”- kinda thing- “this is the way the world works”. My responce to him was if he wanted to undermine him self, go ahead, but if he thought he would find love by living a lie and make a girl love him based on a lies he would be in for a big surprise. I confronted him with his own selfrespect and integrity. To say the least, this man had really big eyes when my words hit home.
The funny thing is, this spath he was reffering to, hit on me a while back so I know who it is, and let me tell you, he forces him self on the girls. I’ve talked to several girls about him and he has done the exactly same thing to them. I was the only girl who had escaped him. He did force him self on me and tried to trick me when he thought I’ve had too much to drink. Sadly for him I never drink “too much” so I pushed him away from me and left. I told this man what the girls have said about his spath friend and what he’d done to me as well. He was very surpised when he understood it was all negative. Not one girl said this man was good in bed as he portaits him self to the guys. Super lover? LOL, super bad!
Hopefully this man will reconsider his “friend’s” advice. The sad thing is that the whole herd of his friends knows what he is, but no one is doing anything about it.
So my aha moment came from that I understood that the enablers admire the spath in areas where they selves are lacking. To me they are trapped in the spiders web too. They are blinded so they don’t see the big picture and lack self worth themselves. I bet you allready know this, but to me it gave a little clearance and I now don’t care as much about what the enablers say or think about me. It’s their responsible to “fix” themselves so why should I bother with their perception of me when they are the one still being trapped? 😉
Sunflower, TOWANDA!!!!
And, enablers tolerate spaths for many reasons: fear, envy, drama/trauma addiction, etc. But, there is one constant about enablers than never changes, and that is that they ENABLE carnages. They allow spaths to perpetrate every type of damage to other human beings and, in my book, they are JUST as culpable as the spath.
Sunflower, they are trapped because they WANT to be, for whatever reason. And, you, my dear, have seen the proverbial light.
Brightest TOWANDA blessings!
Thank you so very much, I’m very proud of my self 😉 TOWANDA!