By Joyce Alexander, RNP (retired)
Psychopaths do a great deal of damage to their victims. The fact that there are people who are aware of what they are doing and choose to “look the other way” or to “sit on the fence and do nothing” enables the psychopaths to continue to abuse their victims. If the bystanders would stand up and assist the victims, even acknowledge that they are being victimized, the psychopaths might not be quite so successful.
One of the most famous of these enablers who chose to look the other way was a man named Pontius Pilate, the Roman prefect in Jerusalem in AD 33. When Jesus was brought before him by the Jewish leaders, Pilate stated that he found “no fault” in Jesus, yet he gave Jesus over to the mob to be crucified.
To signify that he had no responsibility for the death of Jesus, Pilate had water and a basin brought and he literally “washed his hands” of what the mob intended to do. Yet, he did nothing to stop it.
The dictionary defines the word “minion” as “a servile follower or subordinate of a person in power.” These people also enable the psychopath to continue to victimize their prey by either helping the psychopath, or by simply “looking the other way” as Pilate did. Minions can also be very active participants with the psychopath in the victimization of the prey.
Examples of doing nothing
A famous case of people knowing a horrible crime was being committed and doing nothing was the murder of Kitty Genovese outside her Queens, NY, home in March, 1964. There were 38 witnesses who did nothing—not even call the cops when they heard her scream for nearly a half hour as she was repeatedly stabbed on that fateful night.
A more recent example of people doing nothing is the Penn State case of Jerry Sandusky’s pedophilia. The head coach and the president of the university knew what Sandusky was doing and chose to do nothing, which allowed Sandusky to continue to abuse young boys sexually for more several years.
Of course not all “enabling” of psychopaths are as “serious” as the crucifixion of Christ, the molestation of dozens of young boys, or the brutal murder of a young woman. But the help and support offered by others does enable psychopaths to “get away with” much more than they would otherwise.
Tattling and telling
We teach our kids not to be “tattle tales” and kids learn not to “snitch” on each other. When my kids were little, I tried to teach them the difference between “tattling” and “telling.” “Tattling” was saying “Johnny called me a doo doo,” but that “telling” was saying, “Johnny is playing with matches and setting fire to the curtains.”
I don’t support gossip or tattling in any way, but we must be aware that when we keep our mouths shut and allow evil to flourish, we are contributing to that evil.
My guess is that most of the people reading this on Lovefraud have experienced people being enablers (either actively or passively) to the psychopath that abused them. People either knew the truth and turned their backs, or actively participated in helping the psychopath accomplish their abuse.
Blame the victim
Psychopaths are also usually very good at the “smear campaign.” When the victim is finally trying to break free, they smear the name, sanity and reputation of the victim to everyone who will listen. Unfortunately, too many times the victim is blamed for their own victimization, or labeled crazy or vindictive for trying to protect themselves. “Yeah he hit her, but she was so mouthy, what can you expect?” Or “well if she’d been a better wife, he wouldn’t have needed to cheat.”
The hurt for the victim becomes double or treble when the enabler or fence sitter is someone the victim counted on for support, such as friend, neighbor, co-worker, relative or even the police and the courts. When someone you have counted on to believe you and validate you, instead turns their back on you, in addition to the trauma from the psychopath, the pain may be simply overwhelming, leaving the victim feeling totally abandoned.
No help
I can’t even imagine the horror that Kitty Genovese must have felt that night as she cried out in terror for someone to save her. Yet, I know that many victims of psychopaths have cried out to people that they expected would help them, would support them, only to find a total lack of concern.
The news reports today are filled with stories of people who “knew” and yet did nothing, or worse, helped the abusers. Whistle blowers are still persecuted relentlessly. Those are facts of life.
For what it is worth, though, even if no one else believes us, it doesn’t change the truth or the facts. While we would appreciate support and validation from others, we don’t always get it, even from those we hold most dear. Learning to validate our own knowledge of the truth may be the closest we come to receiving support.
In my own situation, essentially my entire family, immediate and extended, have either actively assisted my psychopathic son Patrick, stood by silently while he tried to harm me, or washed their hands and didn’t even bother to listen. It hurts when those we have depended on fail us, but it is not the end of the world. In most cases, and we can move on. We can learn to validate ourselves and what we know is the truth.
Fortunately, there is Lovefraud, and the many bloggers here who do support and validate us in our healing journey. I hope that each person here will feel free to reach out to others for support when you need it, and that you will reach out to extend validation and support to others who need your support. That’s what it is all about.
God bless.
I am glad that couple received Jail time for their neglect….and I could tell tales “worse than that”—I think we all could—the stories are not “rare”
Back when Donna put on here the story about Dr. Amy Castillo a physician whose x had threatened to kill their children to get even with her told the judge and the judge ALLOWED unsupervised visitation and sure enough, THE MAN KILLED THE KIDS. I thought that was a rare thing….but, if you look on the news, parents killing their children to GET EVEN wit the spouse is NOT RARE. Of course not every parent does that in a divorce, but it isn’t the “once in a billion” thing that I thought it was.
Parents and step parents rape and kill children, they neglect them and allow others to rape and kill them…and our family courts seem to be blind deaf and dumb when it comes to protecting the RIGHTS OF THE KIDS….UGH, sorry for the rant, this kind of things just gets my dander up!
Just yesterday a drama daddy was standing out a window four stories up, holding a 2 year old threatening to jump because he and baby mama had a fight and most likely she wouldn’t succumb to his will and it’s time to make her pay. A firefighter scales the building from the top, I believe, while drama daddys blubbering and threatening to jump. Spiderman Firefighter did a “flying kick” and kicked that JACKASS DADDY back through the window of the building and they rushed in and got the toddler to safety.
Dastardly Dads website just yesterday.
Now Family Court better let that mama and baby have NO CONTACT until SHE feels it’s safe. Never should be an option.
My daughter’s bio hazard dad, claims he was a “professional firefighter” for 8 years!! LIAR! That’s his halfway house, prison, Jail time he needs to fill in on his life calendar. Some unsuspecting woman’s gonna really think she got a catch…………….for a minute or 2. ….
Don’t ya just love the real firefighters though?!! A “flying kick” and that’s how the story reads….
The dads who go nuts and try to throw kids out the window are labeled psychopaths –and they may be, it seems so.
But the woman who goes out for cigarettes leaving 2 girls with a sex offender, is just called “neglectful” and people think she’s just dumb. Not I. I KNOW she’s a spath. It was too calculated, it was too much like my spath. They paint a picture and think we’re always gonna buy it because…WHO WOULD DO THAT ON PURPOSE???
Once you know about spaths… you KNOW who would do that on purpose and the picture is crystal clear.
Granted it was called WILLFUL neglect, but I think it should have been called “attempted rape by proxy”.
This really gets to the heart of why people think there are more male spaths than females. Females are tricky because they have to be. If they rage all the time, someone might pop them in the mouth. Males are more formidible when raging.
Remember the spaths’ creed when you ask them why they do what they do, “Because I can.”
Men can rage, women can act dumb. Whatever they can get away with –whatever we LET them get away with, is what they will do.
Skylar,
You are spot on!!! I was thinking about the mom being oblivious while I was reading your post and I am guilty, guilty, guilty of exactly what you are talking about. My mind isn’t going where yours is. I hear you and I hope to God I don’t have to have some big other life lesson to get this through my thick skull. On an intellectual level I know you have to be right but for the very reason you state, I don’t want to believe it.
This should also be posted under the Blaming the Victim subject. This is why it happens!! People who haven’t accepted humans are this awful, they just can’t believe it or find some other way to process it. Like making excuses!
Skylar,
Maybe the very people who go into the denial phase of thinking about the “truth” male and/or female spaths, are the very ones who have been covertly victimized by that sex of spath………and it’s a human protection mechanism but is actually dangerously harmful………
hhhhmmm…………………
Eralyn,
I know because I was the one making the excuses for my spath. He didn’t even need to make excuses, I came up with them on my own. I painted the picture that made the most “sense” to me, and it was never my spath’s fault. It was always someone else being mean to him!
Now I know better. When it smells like a skunk, it IS A SKUNK. Their 2 dimensional pathetic little stories about how they only went out for cigarettes blah blah, it doesn’t fly with me.
This is what I mean by, once you know they exist, it’s easy to spot them because they all do the same exact things.
eralyn, I went to that “dastardly dads” website and reading the articles was terrible. I wonder is there a web site for mothers who murder their children?
OxD,
The fathers rights organization has some sights which tell of mothers deeds. I have come across them. I am not aware of “moster moms”.
The Dastardly Dads is a mom who lost her child to an abusive man in Kansas and is very active about these illegal custody switches that go on in family court. She posts that on her own as far as I know. Her case is famous from the number of court hearings and such and the father disregarding court oredered visitation for mom. She has ER evidence and pictures of her face beaten along with the fathers “coffee table” being a childs coffin! She has pushed for change like no other mom.
Glad she channelled that anger positively as she put a voice to this stuff.
There is a group called the “california protective mothers” group, and I really wish it were called “Protective parents group” I think there is such a group as “protective PARENTS” GROUP though.
It is sad there is a NEED for such groups and I wish they were not anti mom or anti dad but ANTI-psychopathic parent.
KIDS have rights, parents should not have “rightS” EXCEPT TO PROTECT THEIR KIDS. Ps are so good at pulling the wool over the system’s eyes though, and the system itself is so deaf, dumb and blind that the kids are the ones left in the lurch. SAD.
OxD,
Right! We needed them to get that DSM-5 correct. I feel the cases I saw in court were very obvious if they look at each persons history, credibility, etc. It’s not as difficult as they make it sound except that it is “civil court” instead of “criminal court”.
If I sue someone in civil court for a debt that wasn’t paid, we start out on 50/50 ground as individuals and the judge doesn’t care what you do for a living or if you haven’t paid any other debt, they just want you to prove if you did or did not pay THIS debt. You are equals starting out in “civil court”.
They mistakenly put family court in “civil court” thinking 50/50 DNA is the same concept and it’s not. This is about the wellbeing of a person. Honor, integrity, character and criminality, history should be an issue FIRST! The next thing should be who has primarily cared for this child. These things should all come before any 50/50 comes into the equation.
How does that sound? I believe this is a BIG part of the problem. Easily fixed TOO.