By Joyce Alexander, RNP (retired)
Psychopaths do a great deal of damage to their victims. The fact that there are people who are aware of what they are doing and choose to “look the other way” or to “sit on the fence and do nothing” enables the psychopaths to continue to abuse their victims. If the bystanders would stand up and assist the victims, even acknowledge that they are being victimized, the psychopaths might not be quite so successful.
One of the most famous of these enablers who chose to look the other way was a man named Pontius Pilate, the Roman prefect in Jerusalem in AD 33. When Jesus was brought before him by the Jewish leaders, Pilate stated that he found “no fault” in Jesus, yet he gave Jesus over to the mob to be crucified.
To signify that he had no responsibility for the death of Jesus, Pilate had water and a basin brought and he literally “washed his hands” of what the mob intended to do. Yet, he did nothing to stop it.
The dictionary defines the word “minion” as “a servile follower or subordinate of a person in power.” These people also enable the psychopath to continue to victimize their prey by either helping the psychopath, or by simply “looking the other way” as Pilate did. Minions can also be very active participants with the psychopath in the victimization of the prey.
Examples of doing nothing
A famous case of people knowing a horrible crime was being committed and doing nothing was the murder of Kitty Genovese outside her Queens, NY, home in March, 1964. There were 38 witnesses who did nothing—not even call the cops when they heard her scream for nearly a half hour as she was repeatedly stabbed on that fateful night.
A more recent example of people doing nothing is the Penn State case of Jerry Sandusky’s pedophilia. The head coach and the president of the university knew what Sandusky was doing and chose to do nothing, which allowed Sandusky to continue to abuse young boys sexually for more several years.
Of course not all “enabling” of psychopaths are as “serious” as the crucifixion of Christ, the molestation of dozens of young boys, or the brutal murder of a young woman. But the help and support offered by others does enable psychopaths to “get away with” much more than they would otherwise.
Tattling and telling
We teach our kids not to be “tattle tales” and kids learn not to “snitch” on each other. When my kids were little, I tried to teach them the difference between “tattling” and “telling.” “Tattling” was saying “Johnny called me a doo doo,” but that “telling” was saying, “Johnny is playing with matches and setting fire to the curtains.”
I don’t support gossip or tattling in any way, but we must be aware that when we keep our mouths shut and allow evil to flourish, we are contributing to that evil.
My guess is that most of the people reading this on Lovefraud have experienced people being enablers (either actively or passively) to the psychopath that abused them. People either knew the truth and turned their backs, or actively participated in helping the psychopath accomplish their abuse.
Blame the victim
Psychopaths are also usually very good at the “smear campaign.” When the victim is finally trying to break free, they smear the name, sanity and reputation of the victim to everyone who will listen. Unfortunately, too many times the victim is blamed for their own victimization, or labeled crazy or vindictive for trying to protect themselves. “Yeah he hit her, but she was so mouthy, what can you expect?” Or “well if she’d been a better wife, he wouldn’t have needed to cheat.”
The hurt for the victim becomes double or treble when the enabler or fence sitter is someone the victim counted on for support, such as friend, neighbor, co-worker, relative or even the police and the courts. When someone you have counted on to believe you and validate you, instead turns their back on you, in addition to the trauma from the psychopath, the pain may be simply overwhelming, leaving the victim feeling totally abandoned.
No help
I can’t even imagine the horror that Kitty Genovese must have felt that night as she cried out in terror for someone to save her. Yet, I know that many victims of psychopaths have cried out to people that they expected would help them, would support them, only to find a total lack of concern.
The news reports today are filled with stories of people who “knew” and yet did nothing, or worse, helped the abusers. Whistle blowers are still persecuted relentlessly. Those are facts of life.
For what it is worth, though, even if no one else believes us, it doesn’t change the truth or the facts. While we would appreciate support and validation from others, we don’t always get it, even from those we hold most dear. Learning to validate our own knowledge of the truth may be the closest we come to receiving support.
In my own situation, essentially my entire family, immediate and extended, have either actively assisted my psychopathic son Patrick, stood by silently while he tried to harm me, or washed their hands and didn’t even bother to listen. It hurts when those we have depended on fail us, but it is not the end of the world. In most cases, and we can move on. We can learn to validate ourselves and what we know is the truth.
Fortunately, there is Lovefraud, and the many bloggers here who do support and validate us in our healing journey. I hope that each person here will feel free to reach out to others for support when you need it, and that you will reach out to extend validation and support to others who need your support. That’s what it is all about.
God bless.
Yes, I was fooled by fruit too. Lets look at what the Bible says about fruit.
Galatians 5:22
But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness,
Titus 3:14 14 And let our’s also learn to maintain good works for necessary uses, that they be not unfruitful.
In other words, fruits are actions. Its not the stuff we have, its the stuff we do. There are examples of bearing good fruit and bad fruit all over the place in Scripture and we can see that it is an action. Its not the material things we possess.
Stronger, LOVE IS ALSO AN ACTION VERB, NOT AN EMOTION….it is how we ACT and how we treat others. We “love” and “respect” others by how we treat them.
I agree that “fruits” are also ACTIONS…they are the way we treat others, not STUFF that we have. Good for you to point this out, thank you.
The Bible is filled with good advice on how to live a good, peaceful and happy life, no matter what your beliefs are. There are also examples there of people like Pilot who at on the fence and ALLOWED evil that they could have stopped…as well as people who KNEW right from wrong, but did wrong anyway. (Judas for example)
Jesus, unlike how many people seem to pain him was a man of ACTION. He fought evil, like when he drove out the money changes from the Temple. He also stood up for people, such as the woman caught in adultery who was about to be stoned. He showed compassion for her, and saw that the very men who were about to stone her were also all guilty of adultery themselves. When He asked them “he who is without sin, throw the first stone” none of them had the gall to do so, and they slunk away, leaving the poor woman alone with Jesus.
None of us are “without sin” because we all make mistakes and do things we know are wrong, but the difference between us and the psychopaths is that we have a conscience and we are able to have REMORSE and change our ways in the future.
Fence sitters are not all psychopaths, but many times they are morally unsure, cowards, whatever name you want to put on them, but they have no place in our lives. We must bear ACTIVE FRUIT in order to live in a healthy manner.
I think we’re forgetting some important facts here. Remember the spaths ability to manipulate everyone around them? I know for a fact they manipulate also their minions and the fencesitters, isn’t that what the smear campain is all about? Remember how our spaths pushed our borders step by step into doing things we didn’t want og making us into something we didn’t recognize? I think a spath will do this to their minions as well. I am not making excuses for the minions, they must also be responsible for their own lives and what they do. I’m just saying it’s all a masterpiece by the spath.
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Sunflower,
You have a very valid point. My own egg donor who is a very active minion in supporting my son, Patrick, so that he has resources (money) in prison to live better, an attorney to fight for his release on parole, etc. is convinced that he has “found Jezzzzus” and her only desire in life is to live long enough to see him get out of prison is his very active minion.
By doing what she is doing she is putting my life more at risk…shhe is of course deluded that he loves her, and deluded that he has “found Jezzzus” because it fits in with her GREAT DESIRE that her beloved grandson isn’t a monster. However, she is also trained from childhood that above all else, THE FAMILY BAD BOY MUST BE PROTECTED FROM THE CONSEQUENCES OF HIS BEHAVIOR. Her brother, My uncle Monster was a violent psychopath who abused women (he didn’t have the guts to face a man, or even a woman who would stand up to him) In addition, my egg donor’s own mother and her grandmother before her also were trained by childhood to protect the psychopath in the family.
However, does that make her “innocent” in doing this?She KNOWS for a fact that my son is a stone cold killer, she knows for a fact he sent his buddy to kill me, she knows for a fact that Patrick is a liar. Yet she continues in this vein. Does this aleviate her complicity in what she is doiing? I think not. She has made choices and she has ignored EVIDENCE…
If my egg donor had lived in Nazi Germany, I can see her turning over the Jews hidden in her barn with a clear conscience.
I realize that’s a pretty harsh thing to say, but while there is a combination of “training” in what we do, “training” in what we recognize as right and wrong, she knows what she is doing is wrong, yet she will not let go of it. She twists the Bible to validate her stance she wants to take.
Other minions I have known are actually deluded by the charm of the psychopaths…I was one of those myself at various times, but there were other times I fought against my son. I turned him in for stealing my car to haul the look he took from the business of our friends that he robbed. He hates me to this day for doing that. The young woman he murdered had turned him in to the law for a credit card scam he (and she) were involved in when it became apparent they were going to be caught…so he killed her.
My son Clay was a spineless fence sitter,
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Fruit is a noun. The results of action. Even though without action there is no fruit. The fruit of our labor, thoughts, actions etc.
“Cause and effect, means and ends, seed and fruit cannot be severed; for the effect already blooms in the cause, the end preexists in the means, the fruit in the seed” Ralph Waldo Emerson
Galatians 5:22-26
King James Version (KJV)
22 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith,
23 Meekness, temperance: against such there is no law.
24 And they that are Christ’s have crucified the flesh with the affections and lusts.
25 If we live in the Spirit, let us also walk in the Spirit.
26 Let us not be desirous of vain glory, provoking one another, envying one another.
If we live in the Spirit and walk in the Spirit….. Be in the Spirit then the end results [fruit] of this is a life of: love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, Meekness, temperance.
It is correct that love as in how we treat or act toward one another is a verb. Without the appropriate action there is no love. In these verses it is both a noun – Gods Love would be upon us – Gods actions toward us would be 1 Corinthians 13:4 Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous;…and a verb – we would act from love – our actions toward others.
I the LORD search the heart, I try the reins, even to give every man according to his ways, and according to the FRUIT OF HIS DOING. Jeremiah 17:10 [e.a.]
The problem is in these two factors – words that a person uses do not always match their action. And the meaning we put on someones action is not the meaning that another would put on that same action. It’s one of the reasons that we tend to gravitate to those with similar background, experiences etc. We have a common understanding and response to the events in life. Making inter action simpler. While this understanding problem can cause lots of trouble in our lives. As in, the spath saying they love you while beating the crap out of you. The two don’t match up. Being aware of this and dealing with it wisely[asking the right questions etc.] then many of these things can be corrected. This problem is like mistakes they will happen and it’s how we handle the mistakes that says it all.
Even though we can break these things down to parts so that we can understand the process. It is a process. Emerson said it well that one can not exist without the other. Actions begets results which leads to more actions, the fruit is in the seed, which creates more seed. And if the seed is treated with the right action will result in more fruit. Happiness is a loop so too is PTSD. But Fruit by it’s self is a noun.
My 2 Cents
T
OxD, thanks so much for this article and discussion – I always seem to read what I “need” to at the most opportune times.
I posted this, before, but I have no use for fence-sitters, on any level. Of course, I am placed in positions where I must interact with them, but I keep it on a very superficial level. I no longer make attempts to “explain” or “defend” myself – it’s an exercise in futility and these people feed on the drama/trauma, so far as I’ve been able to see.
So, how can I safely interact with these types of people? I practice the “grey rock” technique and give them nothing of myself. I view them as cardboard cutouts that resemble a human form and cause noises to come out of their facial orafice. If the noises are in direct relation to something that involves my job, I hear the words in the noises. If not, the noise is just that: noise.
I spent an enormous amount of time and energy “explaining” and “defending” myself throughout my lifetime, and I’m not going to do that, anymore. Every attempt to describe spath behaviors and their consequences resulted in making me – the victim – look precisely like the vindictive, bitter, and vengeful nutbag that I had been described to be by the exspath. SO, any inquiries about my situation are met with a very sharp, “Why would you even need to ask that?”
Nope…..no use for fence-sitters and enablers. I have too much work to do to survive and recover to spend on minions and their lust for drama/trauma.
Once again, thank you SO much for posting what I need, WHEN I need it!
Brightest blessings
@Oxy,
“Evil companions corrupt good morals and if we hang around bad people we start to take on their moral compass.”
You speak wise words indeed.
We were discussing the “Three (or four) Wise Monkeys” on another thread the other day. Somehow, when their images started being traded between the Orient and the Occident, their message got changed. Now, in Western societies, they seem to mean “Don’t get involved”, and “Just let evil happen and don’t say anything”. They’ve become the perfect psychopath enablers talismans. 🙁
But their orignal meaning (from the old Confuscious sayings) was exactly the opposite, and matched exactly what you said above: Don’t participate in evil doings, by word, sight, hearing or deed.
“See no evil” was originally more like “Don’t look at, or associate yourself with, evil things”.
“Hear no evil” was originally more like “Don’t listen to evil stories”.
“Speak no evil” was originally more like “Don’t gossip”.
There is a fourth monkey, who seems to have dissappeared in the Occidental (and also most Japanese) culture, represented by a monkey with his arms folded over his chest or stomach, which is “Do no evil”. I think if that one hadn’t been somehow ommitted from the modern statues we may have retained the original meanings. “Do no evil” is pretty clear, and hard to mistranslate.
Another great article. Thanks to you and Skylar for bringing this to everyone’s attention. I think it’s THE secret to turning this stuff around.
I think there might just be a series of articles waiting to be written on this topic, so I hope either of the two of you will consider writing them.
Another article I’d love to see would be exposing the seeming ‘psychopath’s minion’, who turns out to actually be the master psychopath: what to be wary of, what the red flags are, how much danger they represent, etc…
We often make the same mistakes here on LF that most of the psychopathy researchers make: we concentrate on the criminal/unsuccessful/small-fish psychopaths, and forget the ‘successful’ types in business and politics, who remain hidden from view (and prosecution). The most successful psychopaths, as we’ve discussed before, never get their own hands dirty and have always set up a ‘fall guy’. It’s usually (almost always from what I’ve seen) the ‘fall-guy’ who gets labelled as the psychopath, when the true psychopath (who just happens to be around but in the background for most of the drama) is viewed as either a minion, or even a peripheral victim. In all the psychopathy research I’ve seen thus far, we never seem to identify or warn about those ‘master’ psychopaths who remain hidden behind the scenes and look like minions, but are actually the most dangerous and are pulling the strings. We seem to recognize the dynamic when it comes to things like Mafiosa bosses, but rarely seem to recognize it when it comes to politics and business.