By Joyce Alexander, RNP (retired)
Psychopaths do a great deal of damage to their victims. The fact that there are people who are aware of what they are doing and choose to “look the other way” or to “sit on the fence and do nothing” enables the psychopaths to continue to abuse their victims. If the bystanders would stand up and assist the victims, even acknowledge that they are being victimized, the psychopaths might not be quite so successful.
One of the most famous of these enablers who chose to look the other way was a man named Pontius Pilate, the Roman prefect in Jerusalem in AD 33. When Jesus was brought before him by the Jewish leaders, Pilate stated that he found “no fault” in Jesus, yet he gave Jesus over to the mob to be crucified.
To signify that he had no responsibility for the death of Jesus, Pilate had water and a basin brought and he literally “washed his hands” of what the mob intended to do. Yet, he did nothing to stop it.
The dictionary defines the word “minion” as “a servile follower or subordinate of a person in power.” These people also enable the psychopath to continue to victimize their prey by either helping the psychopath, or by simply “looking the other way” as Pilate did. Minions can also be very active participants with the psychopath in the victimization of the prey.
Examples of doing nothing
A famous case of people knowing a horrible crime was being committed and doing nothing was the murder of Kitty Genovese outside her Queens, NY, home in March, 1964. There were 38 witnesses who did nothing—not even call the cops when they heard her scream for nearly a half hour as she was repeatedly stabbed on that fateful night.
A more recent example of people doing nothing is the Penn State case of Jerry Sandusky’s pedophilia. The head coach and the president of the university knew what Sandusky was doing and chose to do nothing, which allowed Sandusky to continue to abuse young boys sexually for more several years.
Of course not all “enabling” of psychopaths are as “serious” as the crucifixion of Christ, the molestation of dozens of young boys, or the brutal murder of a young woman. But the help and support offered by others does enable psychopaths to “get away with” much more than they would otherwise.
Tattling and telling
We teach our kids not to be “tattle tales” and kids learn not to “snitch” on each other. When my kids were little, I tried to teach them the difference between “tattling” and “telling.” “Tattling” was saying “Johnny called me a doo doo,” but that “telling” was saying, “Johnny is playing with matches and setting fire to the curtains.”
I don’t support gossip or tattling in any way, but we must be aware that when we keep our mouths shut and allow evil to flourish, we are contributing to that evil.
My guess is that most of the people reading this on Lovefraud have experienced people being enablers (either actively or passively) to the psychopath that abused them. People either knew the truth and turned their backs, or actively participated in helping the psychopath accomplish their abuse.
Blame the victim
Psychopaths are also usually very good at the “smear campaign.” When the victim is finally trying to break free, they smear the name, sanity and reputation of the victim to everyone who will listen. Unfortunately, too many times the victim is blamed for their own victimization, or labeled crazy or vindictive for trying to protect themselves. “Yeah he hit her, but she was so mouthy, what can you expect?” Or “well if she’d been a better wife, he wouldn’t have needed to cheat.”
The hurt for the victim becomes double or treble when the enabler or fence sitter is someone the victim counted on for support, such as friend, neighbor, co-worker, relative or even the police and the courts. When someone you have counted on to believe you and validate you, instead turns their back on you, in addition to the trauma from the psychopath, the pain may be simply overwhelming, leaving the victim feeling totally abandoned.
No help
I can’t even imagine the horror that Kitty Genovese must have felt that night as she cried out in terror for someone to save her. Yet, I know that many victims of psychopaths have cried out to people that they expected would help them, would support them, only to find a total lack of concern.
The news reports today are filled with stories of people who “knew” and yet did nothing, or worse, helped the abusers. Whistle blowers are still persecuted relentlessly. Those are facts of life.
For what it is worth, though, even if no one else believes us, it doesn’t change the truth or the facts. While we would appreciate support and validation from others, we don’t always get it, even from those we hold most dear. Learning to validate our own knowledge of the truth may be the closest we come to receiving support.
In my own situation, essentially my entire family, immediate and extended, have either actively assisted my psychopathic son Patrick, stood by silently while he tried to harm me, or washed their hands and didn’t even bother to listen. It hurts when those we have depended on fail us, but it is not the end of the world. In most cases, and we can move on. We can learn to validate ourselves and what we know is the truth.
Fortunately, there is Lovefraud, and the many bloggers here who do support and validate us in our healing journey. I hope that each person here will feel free to reach out to others for support when you need it, and that you will reach out to extend validation and support to others who need your support. That’s what it is all about.
God bless.
Spoon,, I agree with you, but I see fruit more as an ACTION VERB just as “love” I think is an action verb nnot a gushy emotion.
We are told to LOVE our neighbor as ourselves…but that word (in that context) means to TREAT YOUR NEIGHBOR WELL, it doesn’t mean to have a “gushy feeling” toward him.Part of the problem in the translations of the Bible (or many other old documents) is that the English language only has one word for “love” but MANY MEANINGS for that word.
I love ice cream.
I love my dog
I love my child
I love my spouse
I love my friend.
I love my neighbor.
In some cases there IS a “gushy feeling” attached to that love, which includes loyalty as well. In other cases, though, there is no gushy feeling with the word “love”
but instead there is the ACTION verb of “treating someone well.” regardless of the FEELINGS you may have for them.
Just like we are told to respect our parents…and parents are also toldl to not drive their kids to wrath…wrath being not just anger but a malignant, seething anger by being treated unfairly.
Respecting/honor our parents doesn’t always mean that we must blindly obey them when they are wrong. It means, to me to grow up to become the kind of adult child that would BRING honor on to a parent of that person.
I honor the position of mother, but the woman who was my egg donor did not ear the title of “mother” because she did not bring me up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord, but in the FEAR of HER VERSION of a god that is not what the Bible really shows.
I honor her contribution to my life though (the DNA contribution), by becoming the kind of person that any parent should be proud to have me as their daughter. I reject the dysfunctional teaching that she gave me though, and I reject the llies that spew out of her mouth now.) and the point of thhis is so that they will see the error of their ways and change. If they refuse, then treat them as a heathen and “do not even eat with them.” That sounds like NC to me.
When I started reading the Bible with “new eyes” not through the filter of my egg donor’s beliefs, I saw things in stories I had read hundreds of times that had NEW AND DIFFERENT meanings to me.
Whatever a person’s spiritual beliefs I think that a big part of our healing is to examine those beliefs and see if maybe we need to look at changing some of them that have been taught to us by others. Form our own belief system that is unique for us.
Mine was that I no longer fear this hateful old god sitting up there just waiting to sap me to hell if I don’t do everything my egg donor wants me to do. Zap me to hell if I choose not to associate with people who have no remorse, no conscience and no intention of reforming DUH?
I read the story of Joseph, whose brothers sold him into slavery. Joseph had FORGIVEN them (gotten the bitterness out of his heart toward them) but when he recognized them (hadn’t seenn them in decades probably) he didn’t let them even know who he was until he TESTED them very harshly to see what kind of men they had become during that time, BEFORE he even let them know who he was.
When people do bad things to us I do think we need to “forgive” them by getting the bitterness out of our hearts (for our peace) but that does NOT mean we trust them as far as I can throw one of my jack asses by the tail.
TRUST should be EARNED not given and then taken back (maybe) if someone carps on you. But when someone DOES carp on you, it shows you that they do not love and respect you. Now I do not give away trust, but allow people to earn it and if they raise a red flag anywhere along the way….depending on the red flag they may lose all trust forever in my book.
Annie, Thank you.
I think that Bob Hare and Paul Babbik who wrote “Snakes in Suits” outline the “successful” psychopaths who are judges, lawyers, governors, businessmen, etc. who are socially and financiallly successful and make likes miserable for those down below them. Because they have p;ower…the power to take away jobs if you don’t go along and become one of their minions, many people knuckle under and stay there helping the P stay in his position of power.
Some like John Edwards, Ted Kennedy, Sandusky, the cover up crews at Penn State, Bill Clinton, Gov. Bloggo, OJ Simpson, Arnie, Tiger, and a host of others who have shown their hind ends and got caught and fall from grace.” Sometimes they cross the line into crime and get caught and sometimes it is simply social disgrace of having a mistress.
Many don’t “fall from grace” though and live out their lives making others miserable.
I would start by reading “Snakes in Suits” and then the biography of some of these men and women.
Annie,
I think I see your point. It’s not as cut and dried as it may appear.
Yes, the psychopath does commit the crimes, while the enablers sit on the sidelines cheering him on. But then you have to wonder if there isn’t a bigger psychopath sitting in the crowd pulling the scapegoat-psychopath’s strings, manipulating the intensity of his rages.
The Wiki-leaks guy, Julian Assange, comes to mind. I don’t believe he is the brains behind the operation, even if he believes it himself.
The barefoot bandit is another example. He committed the crimes, but when you look at the chain of events, you can see that his mother’s refusal to feed him began his life of crime as a child. Genetically, his body was trying to grow into a huge 6-foot frame, but without food. So he stole food, and having done that, he continued to steal whatever else he needed or wanted. It was the solution he came upon to meet his needs.
Then the police made it their pass time to play cops and robbers with him. They made a big deal over a kid breaking into vacation homes and got the media involved. They wanted drama and attention and they got it. With all that drama, the kid escalated his escapades. His brain was fueled by drama and the addiction to drama, implanted in him by his upbringing.
Rene Girard describes the rituals of the Tupinamba Indians of Brazil in which they assimilate a prisoner of war into the community for months or years before he is sacrificed (scapegoated):
Even though the scapegoat is guilty, he isn’t always guilty alone. Often times there are bigger psychopaths sitting back and not “getting their hands dirty”. Usually, they are in positions of authority already.
I just searched in Scripture. I cant find ANYWHERE where God instructs us to trust ourselves or others. All over the place, we are told to trust Him. I really just find that interesting.
Does that mean we can only gauge others by their fruit and nothing more? If He says trust no man, then what do we do? Lol
Wow. Im blown away right now!
I guess I just wonder when we put all of our trust in man instead of God, thats how we get caught up and start leaning on our own understanding when He tells us not to. So is trust also an action word? We trust God because He does what He says He will. So should we also not apply that to people?
I just confused myself lol
So how is it possible to trust others and God at the same time if He says put all our trust in Him?
Is there another word for trusting others that should be thought of instead? This is where I get confused. I stuck it out, well one of the reasons because Scripture says to keep no record of wrongs.
Am I getting confused because Im thinking in all or nothing terms here?
Stronger,
I think we must trust God to give us the “right and wrong” instructions. Then we must learn that doing right and not doing wrong has benefits for us.
All of us “sin” and “fall short of the glory of God”—Look at King David. He committed adultery with another man’s wife, tried to get the man to then sleep with the wife to cover up the pregnancy, and when that didn’t work, he put the man in the front of battle so he would be killed (murdered him) WOW! and yet, David, who had done all these BAD things was called “a man after God’s own heart”
WHY? Because david knew these things were wrong, and did them anyway (we’ve all done those things) but when he was CALLED ON THEM, he SINCERELY repented and did his best to make amends and quit the b ad behaviors.
David also, if you will read the story of his son Absalom, enabled that young man who was, I think, a high level psychopath. And when Absolom revolted against his father and caused a civil war that killed over 20,000 men one side of the war, but Absalom himself was killed, David threw himself on the floor and cried “My son, my son!”
The general came to David and said in effect,, “How ungrateful you are. Your people sacrificed THEIR sons to save your sorry butt and you cry out for the traitor who caused all this?”
David realzied the General was right and got up and thanked his people for saving his kingdom.
Absalom had all the signs if you read the story of being a narcissistic psychopath. And David let him get by with this behavior which led to the war. David was an ENABLER of this favorite son. What David did as an enabler was WRONG, but he none the less was a “man after God’s own heart” but I think the story of David is intended to show that no matter how many faults we have, if we do OUR BEST TO DO WHAT IS RIGHT, AND WHEN WE FAIL, WE REPENT AND TRY AGAIN, then we are OK even though there may be some BADDDD consequences to ourselves and others for the things we do wrong.
The psychopath on the other hand has no remorse, no conscience and cannot and will not repent.
When we have let ourselves down by either being enablers or by doing things we know are wrong, then we must see what it is that we did wrong, make amends if we can, and then do everything we can to do better in the future.
God doesn’t expect us to be perfect any more than He expected David to be, just that we do the best we can and when we fail we try to do better. That is being HUMAN, that is being a “person after God’s own heart” in my opinion.
There are plenty of things I have done that I am sincerely sorry that I did. Things I knew were wrong and did them anyway. I also ENABLED my son Patrick for many years, thinking I was trying to “save him” I enabled my son C as well, but now, I am working on learning to QUIT BEING AN ENABLER and to quit being a VICTIM either.
Enablers almost ultimately end up as victims in the long run. It is a game of “musical chairs” where the roles of persecutor/abuser and enabler and victim are each assumed by the various role players. I now am opting to NOT play that role, or any of the three roles in that “game.”
Read Dr. Eric Berne’s book “games People Play” for a good explaination of how the “games” work.
Then, learn to trust your God as you understand Him, and to trust yourself to do the best you can to follow right. It is only learning to trust Him and trust yourself to follow those rules that I think we can come to peace. God bless.
The betrayal I am feeling right now is beyond description. The ultimate sociopath is the one who is your own parent at times. I have fought for 3 plus years to protect my daughter and have known far too long about the lack of empathy, feeling or acknowledge or support or sign of understanding from my own parents, my whole life.
I am financially scared to death and have struggled my whole life to be self sufficient which is why I left home at 17 and started my business at age 25. I have lost this business after the first two years of non-stop court ordered runaround. I now need my parents help financially.
They ran into the psychopath at a home show yesterday and my father chit chatted with him, SHOOK HIS HAND saying hello and they don’t really even know each other but they do know the tears and extreme pain his daughter and granddaughter have endured from this crazy man (or have heard, actual knowing may be beyond his scope of reality). The betrayal has cut so deep I was trembling. When I reacted to what my mother tried to minimize saying how “you know he (psycho) catches you by surprise and said hello and shook his hand.” I thought that was the max of the betrayal. NOBODY I know who has been involved in my court case on any level would believe this, understand this. As I listened to my mom and said we finally got this all stopped and NOW it could potentially start again!! She said she shouldn’t have told me and I was “taking it too far in”!!!!!!!!! This cost me 10’s of thousands of dollars. I am sickened and suddenly as she was stating how she turned and walked the other way, I asked, “did they talk at length?”!! Yep they did. She started stuttering and stammering that I would have to talk to him about it and something about asking psycho if he was making any money at the booth!!! I am so sick.
Fence riders? Enablers? Or simply sociopathic themselves………. I don’t know what I think except I could never do that if someone hurt my loved ones a fraction of the degree he has. I am a better mother/father to my daughter and I hope he doesn’t start what I finally got stopped again. I told her I expect them to pay any court bill that comes from this. All she cared about was that I didn’t tell anyone?? WTH?
My mother is acting like there was nothing wrong with this! Can I get any feedback on this? Different views as this is not my first rodeo with my parents shockingly chummin it up with someone who has wronged me but this one is by far the worst on all levels! I cannot imagine the pain my daughter would have felt had she been there and seen her Papa (my father) talking to this man (her father) who has hurt her so badly and she has actually had more discussion about this to her papa and her hatred and pain of what psycho has done to her, while explaining the horrible things psycho (her dad) said to her in her meetings with him mainly about me and everyone she loved including my parents.
This has just blown me away, set me back, put me in fear and broken my heart. Is this normal?
Eralyn,
yes, it’s normal. Parents can be betrayers. Mine are too. They only hate the spath because he tried to kill me, but his minions are tolerated. Not everyone is as committed to reality as you and I are. They don’t see anything wrong with being fence sitters. They don’t understand that SHUNNING evil is a REQUIREMENT. ANYTHING LESS IS ENABLING. THEY DON’T GET IT. That’s because we live in a culture that enables evil all day long, every day. It’s normal. The spaths have created this culture and it’s not going to change until WE say NO MOTHERF*****ING MORE!
Take a deep breath. Calm down. Do not take this personally. Analyze it rationally. Expect that analysis to take 2 or 3 years. yes. It will be slow because you will go back and forth in and out of cog/diss. These are your parents and they programmed you from infancy. Unless you are a spath, it will be hard to see them clearly.
What you need to understand is their mindset and their programming. First, they think being polite is a requirement. They don’t understand that this mindset is used by spaths against us. I’ve had spaths say to me, “That wasn’t very nice.” After I gave them a piece of my mind for being spathy! My reply? “IT WASN’T MEANT TO BE AND THERE’S MORE WHERE THAT CAME FROM.”
Secondly, I think what you said about them paying for any further damages, was PERFECT. Your ignorant parents surely understand MONEY! Just as mine do. Make them pay. When it hurts their wallets it will change things. Money is the universal language. They will GET that. And perhaps it will be just what they need to finally understand spaths.
Maybe this whole episode could end up being to your advantage…
Skylar,
Your validation and input is greatly appreciated. I hope to God this doesn’t get him screaming for rights and time will only tell how spaths version will go. I resent this. It’s ironic because I used the word “shun” to my mom. She said “a hostile encounter could have worse fallout”. Options 1. chit chat with the destroyer w/a handshake topper (not an option in my mind) 2. punch out the destroyer (inappropriate but wouldn’t have held it against them) or drum roll….3. Shun them and walk away (my absolute preference and the minimum I would expect. I told her it’s typical to act as if only option 2 is in my mind as it makes for a better argument for her defense. UGH
I have had a very difficult time wrapping my mind, heart and all around how my parents are but luckily I have a counselor who has known me for years and counselled a few other people who know me so he has a pretty good idea of who I am and indirectly who my parents are. I am going to flat out ask him what his thinking is of what exactly I am dealing with. I think there is personality disorder and sociopathy going on here. I think with all my understanding of the disorders, I would have a better chance at accepting it and moving on now.
Just gotta figure out that money thing.
This is the hardest part of all of this. Those who you care about who just don’t get it. Thank you for the thumbs up on the money threat and that is exactly what she understands. I will bring it up again if this gets used as a launching pad for more harrassment from spath through the courts. Your last words I can hope come true……..
The other things that wierds me out is the “don’t tell” aspect she’s selling. I just told the world wide web. Kinda smiled to myself when I pushed ‘post’ even though we’re anonymous. 🙂