By Joyce Alexander, RNP (retired)
Psychopaths do a great deal of damage to their victims. The fact that there are people who are aware of what they are doing and choose to “look the other way” or to “sit on the fence and do nothing” enables the psychopaths to continue to abuse their victims. If the bystanders would stand up and assist the victims, even acknowledge that they are being victimized, the psychopaths might not be quite so successful.
One of the most famous of these enablers who chose to look the other way was a man named Pontius Pilate, the Roman prefect in Jerusalem in AD 33. When Jesus was brought before him by the Jewish leaders, Pilate stated that he found “no fault” in Jesus, yet he gave Jesus over to the mob to be crucified.
To signify that he had no responsibility for the death of Jesus, Pilate had water and a basin brought and he literally “washed his hands” of what the mob intended to do. Yet, he did nothing to stop it.
The dictionary defines the word “minion” as “a servile follower or subordinate of a person in power.” These people also enable the psychopath to continue to victimize their prey by either helping the psychopath, or by simply “looking the other way” as Pilate did. Minions can also be very active participants with the psychopath in the victimization of the prey.
Examples of doing nothing
A famous case of people knowing a horrible crime was being committed and doing nothing was the murder of Kitty Genovese outside her Queens, NY, home in March, 1964. There were 38 witnesses who did nothing—not even call the cops when they heard her scream for nearly a half hour as she was repeatedly stabbed on that fateful night.
A more recent example of people doing nothing is the Penn State case of Jerry Sandusky’s pedophilia. The head coach and the president of the university knew what Sandusky was doing and chose to do nothing, which allowed Sandusky to continue to abuse young boys sexually for more several years.
Of course not all “enabling” of psychopaths are as “serious” as the crucifixion of Christ, the molestation of dozens of young boys, or the brutal murder of a young woman. But the help and support offered by others does enable psychopaths to “get away with” much more than they would otherwise.
Tattling and telling
We teach our kids not to be “tattle tales” and kids learn not to “snitch” on each other. When my kids were little, I tried to teach them the difference between “tattling” and “telling.” “Tattling” was saying “Johnny called me a doo doo,” but that “telling” was saying, “Johnny is playing with matches and setting fire to the curtains.”
I don’t support gossip or tattling in any way, but we must be aware that when we keep our mouths shut and allow evil to flourish, we are contributing to that evil.
My guess is that most of the people reading this on Lovefraud have experienced people being enablers (either actively or passively) to the psychopath that abused them. People either knew the truth and turned their backs, or actively participated in helping the psychopath accomplish their abuse.
Blame the victim
Psychopaths are also usually very good at the “smear campaign.” When the victim is finally trying to break free, they smear the name, sanity and reputation of the victim to everyone who will listen. Unfortunately, too many times the victim is blamed for their own victimization, or labeled crazy or vindictive for trying to protect themselves. “Yeah he hit her, but she was so mouthy, what can you expect?” Or “well if she’d been a better wife, he wouldn’t have needed to cheat.”
The hurt for the victim becomes double or treble when the enabler or fence sitter is someone the victim counted on for support, such as friend, neighbor, co-worker, relative or even the police and the courts. When someone you have counted on to believe you and validate you, instead turns their back on you, in addition to the trauma from the psychopath, the pain may be simply overwhelming, leaving the victim feeling totally abandoned.
No help
I can’t even imagine the horror that Kitty Genovese must have felt that night as she cried out in terror for someone to save her. Yet, I know that many victims of psychopaths have cried out to people that they expected would help them, would support them, only to find a total lack of concern.
The news reports today are filled with stories of people who “knew” and yet did nothing, or worse, helped the abusers. Whistle blowers are still persecuted relentlessly. Those are facts of life.
For what it is worth, though, even if no one else believes us, it doesn’t change the truth or the facts. While we would appreciate support and validation from others, we don’t always get it, even from those we hold most dear. Learning to validate our own knowledge of the truth may be the closest we come to receiving support.
In my own situation, essentially my entire family, immediate and extended, have either actively assisted my psychopathic son Patrick, stood by silently while he tried to harm me, or washed their hands and didn’t even bother to listen. It hurts when those we have depended on fail us, but it is not the end of the world. In most cases, and we can move on. We can learn to validate ourselves and what we know is the truth.
Fortunately, there is Lovefraud, and the many bloggers here who do support and validate us in our healing journey. I hope that each person here will feel free to reach out to others for support when you need it, and that you will reach out to extend validation and support to others who need your support. That’s what it is all about.
God bless.
Eralyn,
I TOTALLY agree with your feeling of betrayal…My egg donor sends money and support to my son that TRIED TO HAVE ME KILLED.
It is a total slap in the face to you when your parents PRETEND that nothing was done to you. That they “make nicey” with this man who has hurt you and your daughter so much.
Option 3 would have been the appropriate response on their part.
You being in a situation now where you feel like you must take money from your parents is a tough one
Fortunately I am not in that position and don’t have a kid to take care of, but I am just stubborn enough I would live in a card board box and eat out of a dumpster before I would take a dime from my egg donor who supports the man who tried to murder me.
The old “let’s pretend like nothing happened” or “we have to keep the secrets, because what would the neighbors think?” thing is totally dysfunctional behavior. God bless you.
OxD,
I would have worked day and night straight to not be in the position I am in with my parents. It’s honestly right where I fought my whole life not to be. It’s messing with my head on every level.
I was the youngest female ever to get the contract I had for 22 years and lost from this custody battle and it knocked me right on my butt. I fought like no other on to protect my daughter and managed to help a few other moms along the way. As I was losing my career, I had gained an education at mach speed in family court and the way it is. I hoped a door would open. I considered opening Center for Judicial Exc. in my state but it didn’t seem feasible after talking to the “powers that be”. I am very driven in this area but I am the one they DON”T want for the most part as I am about truth. So I am attempting to figure this out.
I have told you how much I respect for you seeing your son for what he is as hard as it may have been. Psychos mother believes in the “forgive those who know how to throw scripture around as anything is possible through God” no matter how much evidence I could give showing it’s BS and they’re being played at our expense.
I can’t imagine if my daughter had been there for this hand shake chit chat and I don’t know what kind of insane I would have become. She would’ve had her heart broken.
My mother, when he first came from prison to the courthouse looking sharp believe it or not, after I’d been fighting 3to5 motions per week for 2 months before his release, said she was just going to say hello to him if he talked to her at court! I said WHAT? My boyfriend was appalled and I told her that she better stay away if she planned on speaking to him at all. She PUT A NOTE IN HER BRA OF WHAT SHE SHOULD SAY if he talked to her! Really? She’s not a dumb woman. People who know this guy and my parents keep telling me it seems like they just refuse to believe it. My mother asked his aunt, who had been writing letters to the court begging them to stop feeding the disturbed side of her nephew, if he was really that dangerous?! Um what seems to be the problem? My boyfriend said it was hard to believe but every single thing I said was going to happen did and it was undeniable.
So I go back to Skylars description of the fence riders. I cannot help but feel as if they cannot really care about me or my daughter. Selfish has come up from a few who attempt to describe what they’ve seen from my parents. I am starting to lean toward sociopathic. I just hope this little “contact” they had doesn’t give him the positive feeling he needs to go after us again.
Luckily I have his new order of protection from the custom harley shop owner (thought about talking to that guy) and the court papers showing he’s ordered to domestic violence or counseling by the judge and he’s being sued for about $10k by a real estate company. So I can only hope he’s busy right now.
It is a slap in the face if not, spit in my face.
Heck a girl who my daughter goes to school with who has caused all kinds of trouble in our lives approached me and my daughter nicely at the grocery store carrying her baby nephew. I couldn’t look at the girl. Although I was not rude, I directed my very little conversation to the baby and kept moving. I did this only for my daughters sake and future at school as there is some seriously mean kids at school these days. My daughter could tell the difference of my normal friendliness and this forced courtesy.
Eralyn, I can identify with the feeling of betrayal that you’re experiencing. The first abusive exspath was so charming that he had convinced my parents that I had severe emotional issues when I finally left him to the point that my own mother paid for HIS divorce attorney! Yes, indeedy, the cog/diss runs deep and wide, and nobody seems to want to call a spade what it is.
Not to “excuse” your parents, but it is vital to note that we – those of us who are struggling to recover – experienced our own levels of cognitive dissonance. We were taken in by the spath tactics, and some of us remained in whatever situations we were in for many, many years before we “got it.”
I’ve discovered something about myself that I need to hold on to with a death-grip: when I am dependant upon another person, I am “tolerant” of fence-sitting. When I am acting independently (forced OR by choice), I have a sense of “fark you!” I don’t owe anyone anything, and I don’t feel “obligated” to tolerate blatant enabling.
I may be in the worst financial situation that I’ve ever been in, but I dammed-sure am sorting it out under my own steam. With that accomplishment (however small it may be), I have “choices” in my level of tolerance, and I will say that I have zero tolerance for enabling bad behaviors. Zero. From parents that enable their children’s stupid choices and actions to coworkers that are lazy and self-absorbed, I have zero tolerance.
Brightest blessings
Eralyn,
I used to be very “broad minded” and if say “Friend A” screwed me over, stole from me or whatever, and “Friend B” had also been friends with A as well as me, I did not “require” that friend B cease their friendship with friend A in order to stay friends with me. I thought that I was being so OPEN MINDED.
DUH??? Let me tell you, I was so freaking open minded that MY BRAINS FELL OUT. WHAT WAS I THINKING!?
If you know that Person A farked over someone, ANYONE, and especially if it is someone you are supposed to “love” and you continue to be “friends” with someone you know did something that mean? What does that say about how much you “love” the person they farked over?
Well, I no longer take that “open minded” view point.
Just as my egg donor KNEW that my son Patrick sent a man to have me killed, and consipired to take over the family finances, that my son Patrick KNEW that my son C’s wife was sleeping with this man and APPROVED of that as “okay”—she KNOWS this, yet she sends him money and hires him attorneys to try to get him out and LIES to me and my other sons about this, and I am supposed to let that PASS? NAH, not gonna happen.
If you are my friend, you will NOT be “nicey nice” to someone who has hurt me in a serious way. (I’m not talking about some minor social gaffe where my “feelings got hurt,” I’m, talking SERIOUS shiat!)
I don’t require that my loyal friends hhit someone in the head when they see them, but I DO require that they NOT GIVE AID AND COMFORT TO THE ENEMY…In war time this would be called “TREASON” and they would be shot for that.
I realize that you think that you are dependent on your parents for financial support, but I am going to be very up front here and say, that I think you are asking to borrow money from people who care little to nothing about you. I don’t think they are capable of realizing the SERIOUSNESS of this and maybe even if they did it wouldn’t matter.
Being “polite” and “nicey nice” to people who are corrupt and evil is NOT either loyalty or good judgment.
It IS quite possible that they are incapable of accepting the truth, but what difference does that make to the situation.
I strongly suggest that you move into a shelter or a card board box rather than associate with these people. I know that you may feel you are between a rock and a hard place, or between the financial devil and the financial deep blue sea, but sometimes being in these positions causes us to depend on ourselves and to develop and recognize strengths in ourselves we didn’t know we had.
Years ago when I was going through the “divorce from hell” and literally was homeless, I lived in the back of my pick up truck with my two kids and my cat rather than move in with my egg donor. I would NOT ask her for a dime, and I didn’t. Later, I borrowed about $3,000 from her to pay the private school tuition for my son, but I paid her back with 10% interest.
After my husband’s death shhe kept asking me “do you need any money” and I kept saying “No, thank you.” She looked at me and said with sort of anger in her face and voice, “You wouldn’t take it from me if you DID need it would you?” and I answered, “No, I wouldn’t.”
In my culture (Scots Irish) you do NOT accept a FAVOR from anyone that is not someone you TRUST completely. You do not become “beholden” to anyone who might require more “repayment” from you than you wanted to repay. A person in my culture will DO a favor for anyone if they can, but they do not ASK or EVEN ACCEPT a favor of ANY kind from someone who is not TRUSTED TOTALLY.
My egg donor was “very generous” with the Trojan Horse Psychopath, and with my DIL, giving them “loans” for buying vehicles, paying debts for them, forgiving other previous “loans” and she thoughht she had them in her DEBT where they were her “slaves” and when they REBELLED and stole from her, etc. she was DUMBFOUNDED. She said to me and meant it “But they were ALWAYS so RESPECTFUL to me.”
I said “Yea, they were “respectful” to you, but behind your back this “respectful” woman (MY dil) was bitching to Patrick how you wanted this and you wanted that and ya da, and he kept advising her in letters to “play nicey” to, because look at all the MONEY grandma was giving them. SHE JUST DIDN’T GET IT that they were NOT PLAYING BY THE “RULES” of being beholden to her. She still doesn’t get it about Patrick. She thinks he will get out of prison and come live with her and wipe her arse and jump when she says “frog” until she dies.
What Truthy says above
“I’ve discovered something about myself that I need to hold on to with a death-grip: when I am dependant upon another person, I am “tolerant” of fence-sitting. When I am acting independently (forced OR by choice), I have a sense of “fark you!” I don’t owe anyone anything, and I don’t feel “obligated” to tolerate blatant enabling.”
Is very true. It is only when we are INDEPENDENT of these people that we can truly stand up for what is right. When we are dependent on others we have to “dance to their music.”
That is why I will NOT be dependent on anyone I cannot trust.
Right now I am very dependent on my son D. My right foot is in a cast, I can’t drive, can barely get around inside the house, but I don’t ask for him to do anything for me that I CAN do for myself, even if it takes me 15 minutes to do something he could do or get for me in 15 SECONDS, I DO it myself. I HAVE learned however, to not try to do things that I CAN’T do for myself (I fall when I do that and h e told me he would kill me if I didn’t ask for those things) but I totally TRUST him. I know he does for me what he does because he cares. Sure, I OWE HIM BIG TIME, but we are a team, we have each other’s backs. That is what family and friends are all about. And I can guarantee that he will NOT be “nicey nice” to anyone who has seriously messed with trying to hurt me. At the very least he will NOT SPEAK TO THEM or SHAKE THEIR HAND under any circumstances.
All really great comments here. Oxy, I nominate YOU to do a translation of the Bible: “The general came to David and said in effect,, “How ungrateful you are. Your people sacrificed THEIR sons to save your sorry butt and you cry out for the traitor who caused all this?”
That is one version I’d love to read!
OxD,
I couldn’t agree more. I woke up this morning feeling like all was going to be ok…..for me and my daughter.
After being awake for a bit and having my coffee, my heart wants to jump out of my chest. I dropped my daughter off at school and immediately took to my out loud argument and telling off of my parents in the car as if they were sitting right there! It’s an awful feeling and it is very similar to death that occurred to my business. I have been stubbornly independent in my life with my heart believing just as you speak as I watched my family and many friends betray me while telling me “you’re overreacting” among other things I have already worked through. I have worked 2 and 3 jobs at a time. When I had my daughter and raised her on my own, I really didn’t realize what it entailed and how much it would change my way of life and business. I managed to figure it all out on my own. Then came this out of nowhere, a custody war. It knocked me off my feet but I got up and attacked back from EVERY possible angle.
I mistakenly thought during this custody war it was the time to set my pride aside and take any help that I could to protect my child. Statistics show 70% of abusers are gaining 50/50 custody or sole custody and 85% of sexual abusers are getting same across this country. I beat those odds. I really am not financially reliant on them as much as I have been afraid and not used to being in these shoes, holding myself hostage just in case my car breaks down or my daughter gets sick. (we lost our insurance coverage about 1 and half years into this mess) I literally lost about $250k in assets with the economy and the court case in 3 years! That basically took me to zero and check to check holding my breath. So as I adjust to this and my now exascerbated medical issues this just might be what I needed to make me angry enough to push through the rest of the way. My main contract ended in July so it hasn’t been that long and my parents by no means are paying my way. I felt they were a security blanket I guess at this timultuous time. Some security blanket, huh? Full of damn holes.
Like I said, I need to catch up to my resume. It’s foreign to me to be this beaten down. Older and more tired than before :). I’ve had my moments of faceplanting but I have gotten through on my own. I can only have faith and hear all of your strength and pride to straighten this out.
I know I get very confused having another life that depends on me and it has caused me to question my boundaries. It’s hard to imagine my daughter without any family in this world. That’s what it is boiling down to. I know it sets you up to be a target and much more. My heart and mind never wants to speak to my father again. If I have bought in to any lie repeatedly it’s the one my parents sell…
That shaking hands thing makes my blood boil. RRrr
I am grateful for all the words of wisdom and hard truths with reality here as I don’t want the sugar coated bull. My lessons have always come hard but fast. A brick in the head instead of upside my head. If it gets through, that’s what counts.
I ask for your prayers tomorrow as the custody evaluation will begin in the morning. My husband, 16yo daughter, and I will have our part in the morning and daughter and her father in the afternoon. I have not told her she will miss a day of school-she hates to miss school, I will tell her in the morning so she can sleep well tonight.
I’m trying to remain calm and not worry. I’ve had at least 25 letters of testimony written about my character as a mother from a wide audience, some professional, acquaintenances, and friends. I also wrote a 37 page autobiography that was required.
My ex is charming, he will shave his goatee off and get a fresh haircut, press his suit and clean the gunk from under his fingernails. Ok, so he puts on a good image, I just hope his mouth exposes him for what he truly is.
My ex has been coaxing our daughter to live with him, just like he did our son. Money is my ex’s idol, anytime he gets mean like this it has to do with money. This got out of hand when our son was emancipated, leaving just the one child. Before neither of us paid the other child support. I’m prepared to tell the evaluator I don’t need his money, Ive done fine thus far without it. What I was going to do with the child support was put it in an account for my daughter and when she graduated from high school, give it to her, to help with a car, school, or investment. I think my ex views child support as giving money to me-when that is not the intention.
I am sick to death of this. My counselor says I still give the power to ex. I don’t mean to, I don’t want to, but of course worry is a big part of the process as you never know what kind of tactics my ex and his lawyer will come up with. There is a possibility that a battery of tests will be ordered. I’m fine with that-but I was concerned that my ex would stay under the radar and the truth about him would not be revealed. She said he can’t hide behind the test.
Please pray. Thanks.
Truthspeak,
I don’t know what it is about these family court cases dividing families as they do. Your mother paying HIS attorney fees is sick and wrong too. It really has been a knife to my heart and for my daughter. Other moms in the courts have had siblings testify against them on the abusive fathers behalf and it never ceases to amaze me.
My daughter said, “mama I know they didn’t care about you but I thought they cared about me.” Out of the mouth of babes. I always made light of it telling my daughter they were young parents, too young and didn’t fully develope into adults before having children. (excuses excuses) Now I am sure maturity hasn’t meant emotional growth as it doesn’t in any sociopath. Can’t grow that conscience.
Time to mend my boot straps and yank em up and move on.
Floating Feather,
I will pray for you and the discernment needed in the evaluation. I, too, stopped at a dozen character letters notarized from only people willing to testify with mixed backgrounds. It was an exercise which proved to be a waste in my case. He had ONE. Two years later his one had the power of a hammer based on his credentials but lost those credentials well after the damage was done. I get some peace knowing I’ve spared other children while it really didn’t help mine.
I know about the worry, fear etc. we inadvertantly hand over to them and the danger in that. Has your counselor given you examples of this with some advice to help you be aware of it? I had a friend who said I would hand the bullets to my enemy and finally throw them the gun to shoot me with. While I got the idea, I was unable to see what was a bullet but I knew when I must have thrown the gun as I would feel like I was full of holes.
I never asked for child support, nor did I ever receive any and many women who just want to love and protect their children offer this for peace. Hopefully your ex will be motivated by money as you say it’s his idol and leave it at that. I would just warn you under no circumstances should you agree to anything tomorrow. This is my opinion as the worst decision I made was the full day of depositions first his then mine and an agreement when I was absolutely spent. I regret it and it harmed my child. There was no reason looking back that I needed to sign those papers that day. I had every right and should’ve demanded to take at least a night to sleep on the agreement they shoved at me as if it was the best I would get. In the end psycho, objected to his own part of it which ended up in my favor but the child was put in an awful position. It proved to be very detrimental. Or maybe have an idea of what you will and won’t settle for in case they bring it up. I know evaluations usually are decided after interviews with everyone and you don’t get the opportunity to agree or disagree until after the courts receive it so I am just throwing these things out there.
Good luck and remember to breathe…………………….
Eralyn,
Your parents are not a “security blanket” I think they are a shroud, and will pull you down.
Sure, you want your daughter to have “family” but AT WHAT COST and WHO do you want her family to be? Uncle Count Dracula? Uncle Vlad the impaler?
I don’t have much “family” in terms of numbers, didn’t have to start with, but I am down to ONE son and a superficial relationship with 2 of my 3 first cousins…and that is IT, but I don’t want to “enlarge” my “family” by taking in people who don’t give a rat’s behind about me. What would I gain?
What will your daughter gain by having models of “family” like your parents?
Floating Feather, I will keep you in my prayers, both that the people judging this will see the truth and care, and that you will be calm during this storm. The Bible tells us that “ALL things work together for GOOD to those that love the Lord.” ALL things, feather. Sometimes though we have things happen that AT THE TIME we think are BAD…but in the end if the “bad” thing hadn’t happened, the better thing wouldn’t have happened later.
Learning to TRUST that “all things work together for good” is difficult some times, but looking back on my life it has been the cdase. Keep your faith and keep peace even amid the turmoil! (((hugs)))) and God bless.