By Joyce Alexander, RNP (retired)
Psychopaths do a great deal of damage to their victims. The fact that there are people who are aware of what they are doing and choose to “look the other way” or to “sit on the fence and do nothing” enables the psychopaths to continue to abuse their victims. If the bystanders would stand up and assist the victims, even acknowledge that they are being victimized, the psychopaths might not be quite so successful.
One of the most famous of these enablers who chose to look the other way was a man named Pontius Pilate, the Roman prefect in Jerusalem in AD 33. When Jesus was brought before him by the Jewish leaders, Pilate stated that he found “no fault” in Jesus, yet he gave Jesus over to the mob to be crucified.
To signify that he had no responsibility for the death of Jesus, Pilate had water and a basin brought and he literally “washed his hands” of what the mob intended to do. Yet, he did nothing to stop it.
The dictionary defines the word “minion” as “a servile follower or subordinate of a person in power.” These people also enable the psychopath to continue to victimize their prey by either helping the psychopath, or by simply “looking the other way” as Pilate did. Minions can also be very active participants with the psychopath in the victimization of the prey.
Examples of doing nothing
A famous case of people knowing a horrible crime was being committed and doing nothing was the murder of Kitty Genovese outside her Queens, NY, home in March, 1964. There were 38 witnesses who did nothing—not even call the cops when they heard her scream for nearly a half hour as she was repeatedly stabbed on that fateful night.
A more recent example of people doing nothing is the Penn State case of Jerry Sandusky’s pedophilia. The head coach and the president of the university knew what Sandusky was doing and chose to do nothing, which allowed Sandusky to continue to abuse young boys sexually for more several years.
Of course not all “enabling” of psychopaths are as “serious” as the crucifixion of Christ, the molestation of dozens of young boys, or the brutal murder of a young woman. But the help and support offered by others does enable psychopaths to “get away with” much more than they would otherwise.
Tattling and telling
We teach our kids not to be “tattle tales” and kids learn not to “snitch” on each other. When my kids were little, I tried to teach them the difference between “tattling” and “telling.” “Tattling” was saying “Johnny called me a doo doo,” but that “telling” was saying, “Johnny is playing with matches and setting fire to the curtains.”
I don’t support gossip or tattling in any way, but we must be aware that when we keep our mouths shut and allow evil to flourish, we are contributing to that evil.
My guess is that most of the people reading this on Lovefraud have experienced people being enablers (either actively or passively) to the psychopath that abused them. People either knew the truth and turned their backs, or actively participated in helping the psychopath accomplish their abuse.
Blame the victim
Psychopaths are also usually very good at the “smear campaign.” When the victim is finally trying to break free, they smear the name, sanity and reputation of the victim to everyone who will listen. Unfortunately, too many times the victim is blamed for their own victimization, or labeled crazy or vindictive for trying to protect themselves. “Yeah he hit her, but she was so mouthy, what can you expect?” Or “well if she’d been a better wife, he wouldn’t have needed to cheat.”
The hurt for the victim becomes double or treble when the enabler or fence sitter is someone the victim counted on for support, such as friend, neighbor, co-worker, relative or even the police and the courts. When someone you have counted on to believe you and validate you, instead turns their back on you, in addition to the trauma from the psychopath, the pain may be simply overwhelming, leaving the victim feeling totally abandoned.
No help
I can’t even imagine the horror that Kitty Genovese must have felt that night as she cried out in terror for someone to save her. Yet, I know that many victims of psychopaths have cried out to people that they expected would help them, would support them, only to find a total lack of concern.
The news reports today are filled with stories of people who “knew” and yet did nothing, or worse, helped the abusers. Whistle blowers are still persecuted relentlessly. Those are facts of life.
For what it is worth, though, even if no one else believes us, it doesn’t change the truth or the facts. While we would appreciate support and validation from others, we don’t always get it, even from those we hold most dear. Learning to validate our own knowledge of the truth may be the closest we come to receiving support.
In my own situation, essentially my entire family, immediate and extended, have either actively assisted my psychopathic son Patrick, stood by silently while he tried to harm me, or washed their hands and didn’t even bother to listen. It hurts when those we have depended on fail us, but it is not the end of the world. In most cases, and we can move on. We can learn to validate ourselves and what we know is the truth.
Fortunately, there is Lovefraud, and the many bloggers here who do support and validate us in our healing journey. I hope that each person here will feel free to reach out to others for support when you need it, and that you will reach out to extend validation and support to others who need your support. That’s what it is all about.
God bless.
Just read through all the comments and they could not be more on time for me regarding the dysfunctional family. My mother just admitted to me today that she does not feel an ounce of guilt for how she treated us growing up, because it’s “in the past.” I had told her about a month back how hurtful some of her behavior was, and specific comments, etc. And her apology seemed so artificial and insincere. This morning she also went on a rampage of shouting to me about Jesus and my need for repentence. I am not against Jesus, by any means. I am apalled when people take the name of any prophet or spiritual being into an argument to “rebuke” the other party. Especially when we grew up with drugs and abuse in our church attending house hold. The hypocrisy was mind numbing and really created confusion for me regarding spirituallity.
Anyway, I treasure the comments from other parents struggling through family court in attempts to protect your babies. I am so sorry for your struggles, but know that there is value in what you share here on LF. At least for me, personally. Some of the things I read ASSURE me over and again that though I find myself in a tough spot, I absolutely 100% made the right decision by taking my daughter as far away as possible, before the court order was changed. I shudder to think of what others are going through here, knowing the charm/pity act my ex is capable of, and I consider him to be just a “run of the mill” sociopath. More of a bottom feeder, scavenger type than some of the exceptionally talented I read about on this site.
I am in the process of condensing my daughter and my life down into what I can fit in a sedan and driving away as soon as I can, but before it gets too cold. I’m scared, but I’m more afraid to stay around the viper’s nest (to quote Oxy) that is my family and face more turmoil and drama here. I read the comments of another thread here a few weeks back, where the writer said she projected her own psychological growth onto others who were not well (paraphrasing, mind you) and it resonated with me like someone had just thrown the brick through my head (thanks for that imagery, Era Lyn!). That’s EXACTLY what I did in coming back to my family of origin and their dysfunction.
I forgot one of the CRAZIEST parts of the day…
My sicko wacko parents where EVESDROPPING on my conversation with my therapist who was supportive during my emotional upset and squeezed me in for a short phone session. I warned her that that was a possibilty… The second receiver in my father’s office was suddenly out in the living room in the dock that I had taken the other receiver from it to bring in my bedroom.
I had suspected they were on the line, and when I said goodbye to the therpist, I let her hang up first and listened. Sure enough, there was a second click from what I can only assume was the other reciever! When confronted, my mother said that my father had brought the phone out, saying I was on it. I asked if she listened in, and she calmly kept saying no, and asking if I listen in on her conversations! Her calmness is her tell, she would otherwise fly in to a rage at being questioned, but she remains calm when lying to cover up her actions. Why in the world did he bring the phone to her, saying I was on it? I have witnessed them evesdropping on others in the past.
Maybe this last comment was tangential, but I consider it more proof of how sick and dysfunctional they are, and more indication that I need to leave ASAP.
LP,
Good to hear from you and yep you are heading in the right direction. It’s tough and scary but that doesn’t mean it won’t turn out wonderful. There’s a lot of good advice here. Breathing techniques to stay in the now and just plain ol’ brick IN the head advice.
I am wishing you well with this move and that you land on solid ground with all the right people around you. Have you read “Red Flag Man”? Might be a good book to have handy in your adjustment. 🙂
Since I found this site a couple weeks ago, I’ve been combing through the articles and comments. Why, why, why does there have to be such a plague of spaths that want to use children as pawns, demean their childs’ other parent, and use the courts to try to flex their power muscle.
I had no idea I was married to one-I saw red flags, don’t get me wrong-but I thought God and I could ‘fix them’ and make the red flags turn green. My counselor used the word psychopath or sociopath in a session one time about my ex and she’d never met him. I thought that was odd she was basing that just on my interactions with him and the kids.
Floating Feather, take a deep breath and get the venom out of your system, this evening – alone, if you can. Scream, yell, cry, shake, and get it out. Tomorrow, it is important for you to remain composed and factual. No finger-pointing or giving in to the temptation of “telling all.” Let your attorney do the talking, if you are being represented. And, try not to focus on “why” there are sociopaths, or where you may have ignored/missed “red flags.” That doesn’t factor into your business, tomorrow.
Tomorrow is all about business. Keep it in perspective. It is Court business, but business, nevertheless.
Stay in “the now,” and control your emotions by reminding yourself that “feelings are not facts.” The facts will speak for themselves. Your emotions are not allowed to make a sound, tomorrow.
Brightest blessings of courage and fortitude
Skylar: S/Ps like to say that “there is good in everyone” etc., partly because it makes them seem altruistic without actually doing anything for anybody, and partly because it encourages their victims to forgive and forget.
CQueen: If I were in your shoes, I would be very tempted to tape record the very odd interactions that you are having with the woman who facilitates the transfer of the baby from your custody to Luc’s, even if it weren’t legal in my state. Is she a licensed professional of any sort?
As to the general discussion about dumping people who “let you down,” I would urge people to go slowly on that. A lot of people are simply overwhelmed with their own problems, and really don’t have the ability to drop everything and help you move from Atlanta to Toronto or whatever. But five years from now, they might just have the right connections to help you get hired into a better position or something. Just because somebody isn’t a “10” on the Christlike scale doesn’t mean that they need to be ripped out of your Rolodex.
I have heard idiotic women tell their friends that they should dump their husbands immediately, because there is no way that they should be putting up with the husband’s nonsense, etc. But none of these “helpers” would be in a position to pay the friends’ electric or phone bill for a month, much less make a mortgage payment or two.
The women who plan their escape from the S/P and bide their time nearly always end up way ahead of the women who make an impulsive, emotional decision to walk out. Of course, there are situations in which the woman MUST leave at once for her own safety.
Eralyn: My ex showed up after years of absence and got a court order allowing him to take my younger child out to dinner. My sister volunteered to drive the child from my house to the transfer point. When my ex brought the child back to the transfer point, my sister went up to his rental car and screamed at him that he was a complete pervert, etc. The ex couldn’t leave fast enough.
My mother, on the other hand, is “Melanie Wilkes” and prides herself on her ability to retain her ladylike poise in any social situation. She HAS chit chatted with the ex, even when it was WWIII in the Family Court, lthough she despises him and avoids him whenever possible.
LPMarie13: You simply CANNOT use your parents’ phone and expect to have any privacy when your mother has a long history of eavesdropping. Both of my parents eavesdropped, and I feel your pain, but you need to get an “Obamaphone” from the government or do whatever it takes to get out of your parents’ house. I don’t know where you are, but some rural counties only have a few months’ wait for a HUD housing voucher. Go to your local housing office and get a list of the phone numbers for surrounding counties, or search online. If you are one of our “sisters” in GB, NZ or Aus, my housing and phone advice is flawed, but the principal remains the same. As an added bonus, you can tell the court system that you moved to Hooterville so that you could have a house/apartment of your own in an area with safe schools.
I thought this was a good place to share this:
“Shootings expose cracks in US mental health system”
http://news.yahoo.com/shootings-expose-cracks-us-mental-health-system-215841944.html
Guys, while I am very “forgiving” of the flaws in others, and realize that just because someone doesn’t “get it” about what you have experienced with a psychopath in your life, those people who SIT ON THE FENCE with their thumbs up their noses and WATCH while you are abused…who KNOW about your abuse and want to “play nicey” and pretend NOTHING HAPPENED….they are soooo out of my life.
My egg donor actually SAID TO ME when I wanted to talk to her about how she had abused and abandoned me, left me at the mercy of the man sent to kill me while she allowed him in her home….”let’s just pretend none of this happened and start over.”
NOPE! NOT ON YOUR LIFE!
My son C gave me what appeared at the time (because I SO WANTED TO BELIEVE IT) a sincere “apology” for KNOWING that the Trojan Horse Psychopath had control of my cell account, was ordering things on my credit card, etc. and I said to him, “What did you DO about this if you KNEW?” and he said sort of sheepishly “well, I told him Not to do it.” DU! But I wanted to believe that was okay, that he had learned, that he was sorry he sat on the fence while plans were being made to kill me….but eventually I saw that he was a spineless wonder…that he didn’t even have enough loyalty to me to WARN ME when someone was trying to ruin my credit, make my life a living hell and then when they got the chance, END my life.
Well, I’m pretty picky about giving my TRUST to people who have let me down. I can forgive them, get the bitterness out of my heart toward them, but TRUST? That’s another matter.
Read the story of Joseph of the “coat of many colors” in the Bible and how his brothers sold him into slavery. He forgave them, got the bitterness out of his heart toward them, but when they showed up 20 or 30 years later, he did NOT TRUST them. Before he even let them know who he was, the TESTED them very harshly. I always wondered why when I read that story, I thought how mean he was being, but now I see that he was trying to find out what kind of men they had become during all that time. Were they still the jealous, hateful younger men, or had they grown? Well, turned out that his brothers were now willing to trade places with their brother Benjamin in slavery rather than see their elderly father suffer losing Benjamin like he had lost Joseph. (thinking Joseph was dead)
It was ONLY after Joseph had seen that his brothers were not the same that he revealed himself to them. Of course the story ended happily with everyone safe and together. Not all family stories end so happily.
When he was tested (again) my son C lied to me, broke an agreement he had made with me, and then lied to his friends about WHY I asked him to leave my house. I still love C and I wish we had a relationship where I could TRUST him, but I know that I will never be able to trust him because he has REPEATEDLY not only let me down, but has sat idly by while he KNEW others were abusing me. I wish I didn’t have to essentially NC hm (we do cooperate on issues to do with his brother Patrick.) But it is not going to ever be any better because I realise that the BEST INDICATOR OF FUTURE BEHAVIOR IS PAST BEHAVIOR.
Like my ancestors, I will usually DO a favor for just about anyone if I can do so, but I will only ACCEPT favors or trust from those that I do TRUST, and once my trust is BETRAYED it is extremely hard to get back.
I don’t need or want large numbers of “family” or “friends” who are not trustworthy. It takes time and energy to cultivate and then maintain friendships and other relationships, and I want to focus my time and energy on those relationships that I know are worthwhile.
LP Marie,
Listening in on a private telephone conversation with a person’s therapist—I don’t care WHO you are—is about as LOW DOWN AS YOU CAN GET.
Pack your car and take your baby and get the heck away from these people….I don’t care how much this woman SCREAMS about “Jezus” she is not behaving like Christ would have behaved IMHO.
HENS: ACK!
Full moon tonight.
I am sleeping with garlic around me neck.