Many Lovefraud readers experience the phenomenon of “losing yourself” in the sociopathic relationship. Before meeting the sociopath, you may have been, for the most part, happy, confident, successful and financially stable. You had a network of people who cared about you. Yes, there was some kind of vulnerability—perhaps you were a bit lonely—and the sociopath used the vulnerability to infiltrate your life. But, for the most part, you were okay.
Then, either suddenly or slowly, your life disintegrated, and the problems you face are so immense, and so interconnected, and so overwhelming, that you don’t know where to begin unraveling them. You don’t have the energy to start. Rather than the happy and confident person you once were, you are anxious, depressed and fearful. You don’t know how you are going to survive.
And you don’t know how it all happened. Trying to figure it out, you describe the individual’s behavior to friends or a therapist, and someone mentions the word “sociopath.” Or you do a Google search—perhaps on “pathological lying”—and end up on Lovefraud.
You are in shock. The description fits, and you realize that the individual never cared about you, that you were targeted, and that you allowed yourself to be scammed, either financially or emotionally. You’ve lost money, or your home, or your job, or your support network—or all of it.
Blame game
As you realize the depths of the betrayal, the blame game starts. And whom do you blame? Yourself.
You are furious with yourself for not seeing it sooner. You didn’t listen to people who warned you, or to your own inner voice that was telling you something was amiss. Instead, you believed the silver-tongued liar, the crying and pleading actor, whose real intention was to drain from you everything he or she could.
Besides everything physical and financial that you lost, you are most upset because you no longer have your sense of self. You feel like you lost your soul.
Now what?
The sociopath is responsible
First of all, recognize that you are not responsible for the abuse you experienced.
The sociopath may have blamed you for his or her actions, saying, “You made him (her) do it.” Understand that statements like these were all part of the manipulation. The terrible words were spoken specifically to throw you off-balance and break you down, so that the sociopath could maintain control.
He or she is responsible for the hurtful words—and for all abusive actions.
Commit to recovery
Next, know that you can recover. The key to recovery is recognizing that the fraud and betrayal is NOT WHO YOU ARE. The devastation by the sociopath is something that happened to you. The betrayal was an incident, an experience. Do not allow it to define the rest of your life.
Make a decision, a commitment to yourself, that you are going to heal.
This means you need to allow yourself to experience the deep wells of pain, disappointment and grief that the experience caused. You have to get it out of your system, and the only way to do that is to allow yourself to process the pain, which means feeling it.
Finally, you need to let the experience go. How do you do this? You accept that it happened, and that there is nothing you can do to change the past. This does not mean you excuse what the sociopath did. But you do recognize that the betrayal was an INCIDENT IN YOUR LIFE, and NOT LET IT DEFINE THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.
It is true that you will never be the same after the experience with the sociopath, and you may have, in fact, lost yourself. But by facing the pain, processing it and letting it go, you can find a new “you,” one with a richer, deeper understanding of the human condition, and more capacity for love and compassion than you ever had before.
You can recover. You can grow. You can acquire wisdom. And you can move on and find happiness—perhaps sharing the wisdom you acquired to help prevent others from going through what you experienced.
Kathie2…welcome to the board!
He was calling me LOTs of mornings because he said he hated his mom and that I was like a mom to him — he basically became part of our family. My daughter lives with me — she’s in grad school — and he basically “lived here” when his work allowed his to — or so he said. My daughter and I are very close — ad he just melded into our family. One of you said something about a lack of boundaries — and I believe this is evidence of that — I treated him like I would a son… and perhaps I should not have done that. I certainly know better now. And I do believe it was “love bombing” — And I guess it is a familiar pattern of which I should be aware. It’s interesting that toward the end I did say to my daughter that it seemed like he was constantly cycling — SO MANY ups and downs about the same stupid issues… that would eventually resolve — then resurface. i am ashamed to say that some times I sided with him — and I did so because I believed his lies, — MY daughter seemed to sense that he was not truthful — but I convinced her to try once more — just like I did myself with her dad. I feel SO GUILTY about this… So many profound and disturbing echoes.
I thank you for your admonishment to GET HIM OUT of our lives and never think again about him. I needed to hear that. Part of me always wanted “redemption ” for my husband — even though I didnt want him — I wanted him to be better — hoped he’s somehow see the light. Instead, he married my friend with whom he was cheating — and now he beats the crap out of her and his own mom. So much for fairy tale endings I am just glad it’s not US that he torments. SO I guess that a major excision is in order.
I will not worry about his wife — well I will worry — as there are children involved — but MY CHILD is most important here — so I will leave it in God’s hands == and there are enough common acquaintances that know — so maybe she’ll get lucky.
Into the garbage he goes and stays — and we DO have two police reports on file — so if he contacts us — he goes to jail.
I bought and read in ONE NIGHT the TEN FLAGS book — and I have given it to my daughter.
Thanks for your words of encouragement. I know I will be back because it’s hard when I see something that reminds me of the good times — then I have to remember — WAIT — THIS SCUMBAG LIED TO YOU AND DEFRAUDED YOUR DAUGHTER __ He is not worthy of your affection — and HE DOES NOT EXIST — HE”S DEAD. I just have to let that be my mantra. I think I need a little more anger and a little less compassion. UGH. Thanks again
kathie,
I don’t think it’s ‘not having boundaries’ when you welcome an in-law to be. If I ever have a partner again, I want my parents to develop their own relation with my partner, and consider him part of our nuclear family. There is NOTHING wrong with having a fond relation like that between parents and the partner of their child. Unfortunately, the parents do not have control over the survival chance of the relation, even between two healthy individuals… and when the in-law leaves it’s kinda dawning on the parent (or the in-law) they will have no reason to meet anymore. I remember how I would miss the parents of an ex of mine I was with for 5.5 years (from my 19-24).
But here it’s even worse – the ex-in-law-to-be was a total fraud. So, you have a dualistic feeling – regrets of not meeting the wonderful son-in-law anymore and at the same time the painful realization he wasn’t wonderful at all, really.
My grandmother would have said he was “salting the cow to catch the calf” in other words being nice to the mom so that the baby won’t be afraid and will follow the mom right into the trap….
I think your daughter (from what you said) has better boundaries than you do so maybe the therapy will help you be able to learn to set boundaries and stick with them without feeling guilty. Something I had to learn (the hard way, of course! LOL)
Go through the archives and read, read READ!!!!!
I realize this song was meant for parents, however, I also found it VERY appropriate for ppaths/spaths…
Check it out:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=04fQTmvFfGo
Ox Drover — My daughter started therapy in February when he said he had cancer… which he did NOT… She was feeling so guilty about not trusting him — but also faced with the possibility that he could actually be dying — we DIDN”T know and he sounded so plausible. UGH. But the therapy (twice a week!) has helped her to be strong and define herself APART from this man — and it’s what enables her to move on AND to establish healthy boundaries. I am learning from her — we are BOTH learning, and I thank GOd that this did not destroy our relationship.
And thank you Darwinsmom — you have said it perfectly. I am glad that you understand…
I have told my daughter to visit this site — hopefully it will give her some peace of mind. I cannot tell you how it has helped me already. THANK YOU!
kathie2: I am so happy to hear you sounding so upbeat and positive. I just know that you and your daughter are going to be just fine; I can hear it in your writing.
I think it’s WONDERFUL that you and your daughter have one another during this time. Not all of us has someone to make this journey with. I am sorry either of you have had to take this walk.
I have sent my grown kids to this site too, for help in their own personal lives. It’s amazing how it works; isn’t it?
DONNA: She is an Angel.
Hang in there kathie2, I have no doubt you and your daughter are going to make it and be stronger and wiser and better in spite of it all.
Blessings and prayers to you…
Dupey
kathie2,
There is something that kinda bugged me until I just realized what. You said your daughter was too young (2) to remember the abuse that happened to her.
I would not be too sure about it though. My first memory is of my second birthday. True, we rarely have memories from before five, but we can have some memories before the age of five if the feelings we had of the event were very intense.
I had a teacher of French once who told us he had a memory of when he was being thrown in the air with a sheet (you know, when a group of people stand around in a circle and hold a sheet with a child in it and then stretch it so the child is thrown in the air). But it happened around the time he was 2 or 3, right about the start of WWII. He remembered it because of the intense tingly feeling it gave him in his belly.
My memory involved 4 strong and intense, conflicting emotions:
– injustice, because it was my birthday and I had first choice in picking one set of sunglasses out of three, each of them with three different colours (red, bue and yellow). But I didn’t get first choice, a girl only a month older than I, picked one out of the three before I ever got the chance, and the daycare mom did not intervene with that.
– envy, because the girl picked the sole one I ever would have wanted (the red one, because I despised blue and yellow, deeming them girly-girl colours, and I was a tomboy)
– shame and guilt, because I felt it was wrong to be envious, even though that must have been the first time I ever felt envious.
– unhappiness, since I chose to not tell a soul all of the above feelings, and picked the blue sunglasses instead and walked around with them all day, even though I hated the colour.
The only reason for me to remember that day are the intense feelings, nro is it something somebody else could have told me, since I never revealed it to anyone until ten years after.
Chances are that your daughter did block the experience partly, but it’s still quite possible she has at least a partial memory of a hurtful, dirty, confusing, etc event, because it would include having had very intense and juxtaposing emotions about it at the time.
Hello Everyone,
It’s been awhile since I’ve posted and I’d like to apologize if my post is off topic. I can’t ever seem to find the “proper” topic to post my blogs under so please forgive.
It’s been several months since I’ve posted. Some of you may recall that my last posts were focused upon the expectancy of my first grandchild whose mother and possibly my son were both addicted to opiates. The mother avoided doctors through the first 5 months of her pregnancy despite she was expecting her first child and only sought help either after finally seeing a doctor that found drugs in her system and told her the consequences that she would face if she delivered an addicted infant or if the infant died. At that point and unbeknownst to mine and my husband’s better knowledge, she called, demanded money from us claiming that my son had a serious drug problem and she needed our financial help to get him into a program. When we informed her that we needed to speak to him, we were told that he didn’t want to speak to us. When we asked what kind of program he would entering, we were told that it was private. So, basically, we heard, “shut up, don’t ask any questions, just give me your money”. When we refused to do this, we were cursed by her, told we would never see the baby, etc. After that, we had very little contact with the girl and my son had to sneak to chat with me from his work computer. He informed me that they were both in treatment and no further requests for money was made of us. I even asked him once if he needed financial assistance with his treatment and he told me no that he was helping himself and that her father was paying for her treatment. I did see HER script for subutex so I know that she was receiving treatment. As far as he is concerned, I still struggle with whether he ever had a problem or not or if she was seeking money from us to avoid asking her father since he had pretty much disowned her for stealing from him and her years of drug use. I learned this from the father.
The baby was born and was not addicted. She got to come home rather than be removed from the parents’ custody and sent straight to a children’s hospital to be detoxed. My son contacted my husband and me when she went into labor and asked us to come to the hospital after the delivery as the mother had requested that no one be at the hospital during her delivery other than her father and my son. We went to see the new baby the following day as she had a long, painful delivery as do most opiate addicts due the tolerance they have built up to pain meds and also their inability to tolerate pain period. The mother apologized to us for her previous behavior and explained that drugs make people crazy…said that now that the baby was here that she realized why we reacted to her lies and negative behavior in the way that we did. We all agreed to move past that and be a family. We also told both the mother and my son that we could understand how anyone could develop a drug problem but that honesty was a MUST if we were expected to be supportive. We also told them that we realized that their was a high risk of relapse and asked that they please come to us if that happened and we would see that the baby was cared for while they received treatment and keep DCS out of the pic. DCS is a joke where we live. All agreed.
I had surgery exactly one week before the baby was born and then developed a respiratory infection that lasted about a week afterwards. The surgery wasn’t that big of a deal but the baby had a low birth weight and I was afraid to be around her when I was actually sick. I recovered and asked if we could stop by and see the baby. I was told that she was at my mother’s house…another narcissist in the least if not a full blown sociopath. Every time I asked to see the baby, I was told that my mother had her so I FINALLY called my mother who immediately accused me of not even trying to see my granddaughter! She told me that she had had her for a month day and night and flew into telling me how great the mother was and how she had disowned my son (her only grandchild) due to his mistreatment of the mother! I immediately contacted my son to ask him WHY the baby had been at my mother’s house for a month! He told me that he’d like to know the same thing! He said that he had been going to my mother’s house to visit the baby and had tried to take her home several times only to be told that the mother had said that she was tied up looking for a job or not feeling well and that my son was unable to care for her because he had to work. The mother and my son live together! He told me that it then became clear to him that the mother didn’t WANT to care for the child because she was mostly sleeping the days away and running around with friends when he was at work. He demanded that my mother give him his daughter or he would call the police. My mother then called me crying to say how worried she was about him taking the baby because she feared that he would mistreat it(?) She finally came clean and told me that the mother had said this and that about my son and that she was disowning him and had offered the mother and the baby a place to live and promised her that she would not only disown my son but ME, as well, and that she would change her will so that she and the baby would receive everything they had upon the death of her and my stepfather! I was appalled! I am an ONLY child in addition to my son being the only grandchild. It’s not the will that bothered me so much but I knew the mother HAD to fill my mother’s head full of some pretty strong lies to lead her to disowning her only grandchild. Me? Well, that’s another LONG story.
I confronted the mother about what in the HELL she had told my mother! She said that my mother twisted everything she had told her around…which is possible but the girl has told enough lies to ME on my son to cover her own dirt that I can only imagine the things she has told my mother. The girl and my mother are one in the same.
From that time on, I have had the baby pretty much ever since. She MIGHT spend one night a week with her parents. The mother got a job, she is an LPN, and insisted that my son quit his job to stay home and care for the baby. She told me that she just didn’t have the “motherly instincts” that people speak of and that she was raised to work and there was NO way that she was going to stay at home with a baby because she couldn’t stand to hear her cry. But, she said that she felt it was important that a child be with a parent during the first year of its life and that parent was going to be my son. She said that he could soothe the baby when she was crying and that she only cried more when she tried to soothe her. I did very well in hiding my utter shock at her statements. My son keeping her lasted only a few days as they live in a one bedroom apartment and the baby’s hunger cries during the night still woke the mother who would get up screaming and cursing my son to make her be quiet. He said that he tried to explain to her that she was a baby and babies are going to cry to communicate their needs. She still wouldn’t give him any peace so he brought the baby to me. At any rate, to wrap this up, my husband and I are really struggling with whether we need to contact DCS or not.
We furnish all the baby’s needs when she is with us. The mother REFUSES to give us a medical consent form so that we could get the baby emergency treatment should we not be able to reach them which is highly possible because I’ve called multiple times and never been able to wake them when the baby has been in our care. This is a requirement in our state. My son pretty much comes to see the baby every day. The mother might show up unannounced once a week because she says that she “misses HER baby” and thinks nothing of jerking her up from her nap, holding her for 10 minutes and then rushing back out the door because she either has to go to work or has an errand to run. I am then left with one fussy little girl. The mother talks nonstop rattling off tall tales mostly regarding her work in which she manages to throw in that she can pass a drug test and has challenged her employer to test her. She works at a nursing home and even asked me if she needed her to get meds for me or my husband claiming that when a patient died, their meds just went to waste. I told her absolutely NOT! She then stressed that she didn’t have access to narcotics but later said that only she had access to the med room as the shift LPN who was overseeing the CNAs. I have NEVER asked to keep my granddaugter…there’s never be a need to because she’s always here. I have never asked to be paid for watching her nor to be reimbursed for all the formula, baby food, diapers, etc. that we furnish for her while she’s here. The girl seems to think that she is more intelligent than anyone, seems to have the inability to allow others to speak and goes ballistic if she’s challenged such as when I told her that a medical consent form was required in order for me to get her emergency medical treatment. I called the emergency room admissions and asked if this was still the protocol BEFORE I asked the girl for the form. I tried to explain to her that she could word the form in any fashion that she wanted. She accused me of trying to steal her child by getting her to sign a form that SHE wrote??? She drops by on her days off to take the baby to see her parents. Even told me once that she wanted to take the baby with her because she was going to ask her father for money because she needed formula and diapers for the baby! She CAN’T need these things because I have the baby all the time and furnish them for her. Her mother suffers from a serious mental illness of some sort and her father’s time is consumed by the mother’s care. The father told me this himself. Her parents are much older than my husband and myself…nearly as old as our own parents. The girl constantly makes jabs at me by saying that she is going to sign the baby over to her baron sister who lives 4 hours away because the sister is the baby’s next of kin. When I reminded her that my son would be the baby’s next of kin, her response was “well, he’s on the birth certificate”! Occasionally, she will throw in some “order” for me to follow concerning the baby that is ridiculous…such as that I only use a beginner sippy cup to feed her with when she was 3 and half months old! Of course, I did NOT do this. I am also deeply concerned that any time she takes the baby, even for a few hours, the baby comes back either totally hyper or sleeps for hours. I’ve also connected that she always returns constipated. She recently mentioned giving her dog benadryl to calm him down. He’s 10 years old and has been neutered! I did some research and the lethargy, anxiety and constipation are all side effects of a baby who is being drugged with benadryl to make them sleep. I have been feeding the baby cereal and 1st step baby food since she was 4 months old. She loves it and seems much more satisfied. My son is the one who always takes her for her checkups and told me that the doctor had said she could be started on these foods one at a time to rule out allergies and that’s what I did. The mother has never gone along for the baby’s checkups and still continues to feed her formula only. She brings the baby back to me filthy and just yesterday wearing to very mismatched socks…one was a gray and white low top and the other was a pink and white crew sock that was an inch too small. She’s crazy! Even the baby’s toenails are filthy and she isn’t even crawling yet! How does THAT happen? My son was voices his own complaints but suddenly shut down. All he will say is that her constant non-stop talking and bitching is going to cause him to have a breakdown. He DID go back to work because she insisted that they needed more money. They ARE broke 2 days after she gets paid. They live in a cockroach riddled apartment that recently also had bats flying around inside! We even got roaches in our house due to my son doing laundry here but we called an exterminator immediately who comes every month to spray. Their rent is $350 a month and the electric averages around $150. They have no other bills other than living expenses. She makes $15 an hour! He will be earning $8.50 an hour and now she’s talking about quitting HER job! I could go on and on with the insults that I have received and ignored from her for the baby’s sake. Her father is of no help and my mother went from trying to get my husband and me to take the baby because she said she didn’t worry about her when she was with us to disowning me! Even asked me if I HAD to talk to her, to please stop calling her “Mom” but by her first name instead!
It takes SO much to prove that a parent is unfit and I believe with everything in me that this girl is a sociopath. She has nearly gained total control over my son’s mind but he still opens up occasionally when she’s nearly pushed him over the edge. He tries to excuse her insults toward me by saying that she doesn’t think before she speaks. I can’t believe this nor can I believe that this girl presents herself as being as crazy to everyone else as she does to us. How could she hold down a job? She claims she has everything from severe adult ADD to being bi-polar to a hormone imbalance but what I see is the same old behavior that she displayed when she was on hard drugs. I can’t decided if the girl is simply insane, on drugs or BOTH. Please, can anyone advise me how to deal with this situation? If I contact DCS, they are going to KNOW who called them. If they test clean for drugs, I’ll never see my granddaughter again and she will be a victim of the mother and my son’s craziness OR possibly signed over to a sister that has seen her a full two hours out of the nearly 6 months of her life. And, everything the girl says is a lie. I don’t even know if the sister would take the baby if she was offered to her! Also, the girl displays extreme paranoia. Why? Unless there’s a reason for her to be paranoid?
Darwinsmom — I too believe that she did not block it all…. that was a minimizing comment that I made – for the sake of being expedient — I know that I have a memory of my own dad doing something very mean to my mom and I couldn’t have been more than two. I think we remember the emotions of the time sometimes more than the event itself, and I am sure this is true for my daughter. It is something I have been concerned about forever. I know that she is working through a lot of this in therapy, as am I. If anything good has come of this, it;s that we are both learning to understand ourselves better — but it’s not a pleasant process
THank you again to you all. This morning was the first morning in a month that I haven’t awakened sick with a feeling of dread.
We will work through this…. it’s still just so hard to understand. I cannot tell you how much this blog helps me and makes me feel that I am not alone, that there are people that understand, and that I am NOT crazy.