Many Lovefraud readers experience the phenomenon of “losing yourself” in the sociopathic relationship. Before meeting the sociopath, you may have been, for the most part, happy, confident, successful and financially stable. You had a network of people who cared about you. Yes, there was some kind of vulnerability—perhaps you were a bit lonely—and the sociopath used the vulnerability to infiltrate your life. But, for the most part, you were okay.
Then, either suddenly or slowly, your life disintegrated, and the problems you face are so immense, and so interconnected, and so overwhelming, that you don’t know where to begin unraveling them. You don’t have the energy to start. Rather than the happy and confident person you once were, you are anxious, depressed and fearful. You don’t know how you are going to survive.
And you don’t know how it all happened. Trying to figure it out, you describe the individual’s behavior to friends or a therapist, and someone mentions the word “sociopath.” Or you do a Google search—perhaps on “pathological lying”—and end up on Lovefraud.
You are in shock. The description fits, and you realize that the individual never cared about you, that you were targeted, and that you allowed yourself to be scammed, either financially or emotionally. You’ve lost money, or your home, or your job, or your support network—or all of it.
Blame game
As you realize the depths of the betrayal, the blame game starts. And whom do you blame? Yourself.
You are furious with yourself for not seeing it sooner. You didn’t listen to people who warned you, or to your own inner voice that was telling you something was amiss. Instead, you believed the silver-tongued liar, the crying and pleading actor, whose real intention was to drain from you everything he or she could.
Besides everything physical and financial that you lost, you are most upset because you no longer have your sense of self. You feel like you lost your soul.
Now what?
The sociopath is responsible
First of all, recognize that you are not responsible for the abuse you experienced.
The sociopath may have blamed you for his or her actions, saying, “You made him (her) do it.” Understand that statements like these were all part of the manipulation. The terrible words were spoken specifically to throw you off-balance and break you down, so that the sociopath could maintain control.
He or she is responsible for the hurtful words—and for all abusive actions.
Commit to recovery
Next, know that you can recover. The key to recovery is recognizing that the fraud and betrayal is NOT WHO YOU ARE. The devastation by the sociopath is something that happened to you. The betrayal was an incident, an experience. Do not allow it to define the rest of your life.
Make a decision, a commitment to yourself, that you are going to heal.
This means you need to allow yourself to experience the deep wells of pain, disappointment and grief that the experience caused. You have to get it out of your system, and the only way to do that is to allow yourself to process the pain, which means feeling it.
Finally, you need to let the experience go. How do you do this? You accept that it happened, and that there is nothing you can do to change the past. This does not mean you excuse what the sociopath did. But you do recognize that the betrayal was an INCIDENT IN YOUR LIFE, and NOT LET IT DEFINE THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.
It is true that you will never be the same after the experience with the sociopath, and you may have, in fact, lost yourself. But by facing the pain, processing it and letting it go, you can find a new “you,” one with a richer, deeper understanding of the human condition, and more capacity for love and compassion than you ever had before.
You can recover. You can grow. You can acquire wisdom. And you can move on and find happiness—perhaps sharing the wisdom you acquired to help prevent others from going through what you experienced.
Truthspeak
Kathie2, silly words? Not at all – empowering words! Words of conviction and determination!!! GOOD FOR YOU!!!
Hugs
Back_from_the_edge
YAY for kathie2!!!!!!!!
Change the tune to this:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3GwjfUFyY6M
Blessings of peace to you and your daughter.
Dupey
kathie2
Thank you, Truth!! Hugs back This is all so very helpful to me. I feel that I am NOT ALONE!! THANK YOU!!
kathie2
Dupey — I have sent BOTH songs to my daughter — who is off to the gym. Good day all around. Thank you AINTGONNATAKE IT for your good news. The phoenix is an appropriate metaphor for each of us. Out of the ashes — we WILL rise!
Yay for ALL of us.
Blessiggs and prayers as we all make our way to health.
Much love — Kathie
IMconfused
aintgonnatakeitnomore,
Wow! Good for you. the fact that you survived and landed in a healthy relationship gives hope.
That said, I am afraid that I will never let my guard down enough in the future to ever be open to normaql.
tobehappy
Hello Again…
I don’t get to post on here often….but tonight I am mellow and have some time.
IM…..It is a GOOD thing to never let your guard down. So, don’t fret. I would rather be wise and alone than to allow anyone in this world to take advantage of me.
I have young teens and they keep me busy…so I have no interest in meeting a man at this point…If I do,…then it ok. But, after the men I’ve been involved with…I’m really happy with myself and glad that I don’t need a man to make me happy.
I really don’t know too many happy couples…anyway.
My girls keep me busy. My 17 yr old asked if she could have some friends over for a party. 90 people showed up in my yard/ deck!!! Many were under 21 and drinking. I was a mess.
I had to tell so many to leave. My daughter doesn’t get it…that I could be put in jail if I serve alcohol to minors!!!
Anyway….i love my cats and 2 little dogs ….and my James Patterson books…and my hot tub and going to the ocean, which is 15 mins by car…and hanging out with my sister and friends…and I am healthy…look young for my age…so….
Life is good. No more selling my soul to any man on this planet…
And, yes….I will keep my guard up. Forever.
Back_from_the_edge
(((tobehappy))) Blessings.
Happy to hear you sounding so well.
I am doing fine. Been a long ride.
Life is great now that it’s quiet, finally, in my life.
The stalking still continues on from a distance.
I have been NC for quite a while now and it still
plagues me from time to time. Sudden intrusions
and/or outbursts and I always just ignore it. But:
not for too much longer though as I am going to be moving.
Take good care of yourself, tobehappy…
I am smiling a lot more these days than I used to.
Dupey
kathie2
SO I talked to my DD for a LONG TIME this morning. What a great convo! She is doing well — busy at work doing something she loves and dealing with all of this is a logical and healthy way. We talked about IT for a while — noting the many more lies we are slowly uncovering. The difference is that now instead of shocked PAIN — we as more just dumbfounded at his audacity. At times we even laughed at what HUGE BRASS GONADS he has! It was a good, healing conversation. I think we have begun to move past the grieving part — as we were grieving over someone that does not exist — and moving into calm acceptance. We are forgiving each other and ourselves — though I think I have much more to be forgiven for. Anyway — we talked about the amount of time he had spent talking to ME _- something of which she was not totally aware. It helped her understand my own anger much more clearly.
And so far today — I have recaulked the upstairs bathroom — and now I will replace a doorknob — and then on to gardening. It will be a good day! It is GOOD to make physical improvements as I move forward emotionally. Very affirming!
Just sharing our progress — which is slow, but steady.
It is SO GOOD to have this place to share not only my heartache — but also my small victories. Thank you!
Hope you all have a blessed day full of sunshine!
Kathie
Back_from_the_edge
kathie2: so happy to hear you perky and doing so well. I hope that you and your daughter’s lives are peaceful and that you have come closer over this horrid experience. I mean, that is what families are suppose to be about; right?
I have been trying to motivate MYSELF this morning but am too lazy. They tell me with my heart condition, and all, it’s okay if I want to be lazy.
I can do that. hehehe
You are amazing!
Have a HAPPY HAPPY DAY and enjoy it in peace.
Dupey
kathie2
Dupey — I feel we have EARNED the right to be lazy every now and then! Enjoy your lazy day!
Blessings to you — and YOU are amazing!
Kathie