Many Lovefraud readers experience the phenomenon of “losing yourself” in the sociopathic relationship. Before meeting the sociopath, you may have been, for the most part, happy, confident, successful and financially stable. You had a network of people who cared about you. Yes, there was some kind of vulnerability—perhaps you were a bit lonely—and the sociopath used the vulnerability to infiltrate your life. But, for the most part, you were okay.
Then, either suddenly or slowly, your life disintegrated, and the problems you face are so immense, and so interconnected, and so overwhelming, that you don’t know where to begin unraveling them. You don’t have the energy to start. Rather than the happy and confident person you once were, you are anxious, depressed and fearful. You don’t know how you are going to survive.
And you don’t know how it all happened. Trying to figure it out, you describe the individual’s behavior to friends or a therapist, and someone mentions the word “sociopath.” Or you do a Google search—perhaps on “pathological lying”—and end up on Lovefraud.
You are in shock. The description fits, and you realize that the individual never cared about you, that you were targeted, and that you allowed yourself to be scammed, either financially or emotionally. You’ve lost money, or your home, or your job, or your support network—or all of it.
Blame game
As you realize the depths of the betrayal, the blame game starts. And whom do you blame? Yourself.
You are furious with yourself for not seeing it sooner. You didn’t listen to people who warned you, or to your own inner voice that was telling you something was amiss. Instead, you believed the silver-tongued liar, the crying and pleading actor, whose real intention was to drain from you everything he or she could.
Besides everything physical and financial that you lost, you are most upset because you no longer have your sense of self. You feel like you lost your soul.
Now what?
The sociopath is responsible
First of all, recognize that you are not responsible for the abuse you experienced.
The sociopath may have blamed you for his or her actions, saying, “You made him (her) do it.” Understand that statements like these were all part of the manipulation. The terrible words were spoken specifically to throw you off-balance and break you down, so that the sociopath could maintain control.
He or she is responsible for the hurtful words—and for all abusive actions.
Commit to recovery
Next, know that you can recover. The key to recovery is recognizing that the fraud and betrayal is NOT WHO YOU ARE. The devastation by the sociopath is something that happened to you. The betrayal was an incident, an experience. Do not allow it to define the rest of your life.
Make a decision, a commitment to yourself, that you are going to heal.
This means you need to allow yourself to experience the deep wells of pain, disappointment and grief that the experience caused. You have to get it out of your system, and the only way to do that is to allow yourself to process the pain, which means feeling it.
Finally, you need to let the experience go. How do you do this? You accept that it happened, and that there is nothing you can do to change the past. This does not mean you excuse what the sociopath did. But you do recognize that the betrayal was an INCIDENT IN YOUR LIFE, and NOT LET IT DEFINE THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.
It is true that you will never be the same after the experience with the sociopath, and you may have, in fact, lost yourself. But by facing the pain, processing it and letting it go, you can find a new “you,” one with a richer, deeper understanding of the human condition, and more capacity for love and compassion than you ever had before.
You can recover. You can grow. You can acquire wisdom. And you can move on and find happiness—perhaps sharing the wisdom you acquired to help prevent others from going through what you experienced.
Good morning —
SO I have a question for all of you. I am struggling with what to do with this knowledge I have of IT and the things he does…. and whether or not his wife should be made aware. We (My daughter and I) have been struggling with this ever since we discovered his lies. Yesterday at therapy — we talked about how I have a history of involving myself with people who are needy and pathological in one way or another — comes from growing up in a family infected with alcoholism and a need to “fix”things and be in control — and I have begon to go to ALanon meetings to sort through this mess. In reality — we are very functional and “OK” — no one in my home drinks or is “unhealthy” in those ways — it;s the learned behaviors that come from living with alcoholics that messes us up — and it’s these learned behaviors that make us prey for unsavoury characters — and which also inhibit our serenity… anyway — in AA, one of the things they say is that we should NOT try to control or manipulate situations…. so that we FEEL like we have some semblance of control over an out of control situation. So I am struggling with my compulsion — my very strong feeling — that i should tell the wife. Am I doing this out of vengeance and a need to expose him — for my own satisfaction — so that I can feel that I have had the last “laugh”? Of course there is a part of me that feels this way. Or am I doing this because I don’t want another woman to experience the pain that we experienced? And if that IS my motive — is it even my business to do this? I just don’t know.
Here is what I DO know — I was in this place myself — my ex=husband was abusive and a cheater and a liar — and HIS friends knew it, and the entire church youth group new it — and the youth pastor knew it — and they said NOTHING to me… and left me to feel crazy and unhappy with my suspicions and fears. When I myself found incontrovertible TRUTH — they were abashed and ashamed and could say nothing in their defense — except that they did not want to get involved or cause problems. REALLY!! ?? So much pain — and such GREAT harm to my child could have been avoided if just ONE of them had told me what they knew… to confirm my suspicions. THis man — my ex — is SICK — and remains SICK — and continues to infect women and their families.
GIven this — what I DO know — I almost feel that it IS my job — my responsibility to tell this other man’s wife — I know she has suspicions — but she has NO IDEA of the complete deception of which he is capable and the degree to which he lies… If someone were physically diseased, and we knew it — wouldn’t we TELL so that others would NOT be infected?? Or would we “not want to get involved?? I just don;t know. I feel LIke I will have no peace until I find a way for us to tell her — but I also do not want to open up another epic drama that will continue to hurt my daughter. She believes that the wife needs to know — but she does not want to be the one to tell her — because she just wants to be as DONE as she can be. I am so conflicted about this… any counsel??
Just an FYI — We DID contact the police about IT after we fond out his lies — and after he made one final call to my daughter in which he told her that ” she was his whole life” and his “whole plan” — that he needed her to give up her own plans to stay and care for him while he dealt with his fabricated cancer…. of course she declined to do this — and asked him “If I am your whole life — where does that leave your wife and children?” She alsotold him NOT to call or txt anymore — which he has not done. We contacted the police because he had threatened suicide, and also because he made a very subtle but pointed threat with a hunting knife the last evening they met…. SO if he contacts her again — he goes to jail. With the police reports in place, and with her out of town and out of his reach — we feel certain that she is not in danger…. and I feel that he will not do anything to me — my house is like Ft Knox –so danger and safety are not big concerns. I feel like we have that covered. What concerns me is if this is the RIGHT thing to do…
Kathie2, did you petition for a Restraining Order? Not that it does much good other than as legal leverage, but if he’s making physical threats of harm, he can also be charged with “terroristic threats,” which (for whatever farking reason) carries a whole lot more weight than a simple DV situation.
Warning the new victim. Would you have believed someone had they tried to warn you? Speaking to a counseling therapist and Law Enforcement are probably going to get more positive results than any attempts to “warn” the new victim, IMHO.
Tami, what Matt posted is sensible, even if it is a difficult decision. In cases such as yours, there IS no easy answer, and the options are sort of like choosing the lesser of all evils, if that makes sense. Additionally, the Court may appoint a “guardian ad litem” who will be unbiased, objective, and speaking solely in the best interests of the child.
I know that I would have a very difficult time sorting out a situation like yours, and I offer you my deepest and most sincere support and encouragement.
Brightest blessings to all
kathie2: I have been pondering your last post and your question for a long while now, before answering you,
because I wanted to make sure I had the right words,
as I found them to be in my experience.
Are we not suppose to learn from our mistakes and not pepetuate them? I found that doing anything further only compounds the situation and keeps the dramarama going. I have found, in my experience, it’s a COMPLETE waste of time. I found ONE VALIDATION in his ex wife HOWEVER that only lead to more DRAMARAMA in the end. The only way to get over it is to completely get out of it.
I have had an OBSESSED stalking PSYCHOPATH on my tail for the past ten years. An ugly one, like you see in the movies. Yah, just like that. The ex wife and I know. He knows we know and would like to take us BOTH out. We are both under protection and have helped one another escape the insanity of dealing with someone like this creates on another persons life, without care nor conscience. People are meant to be used like appliances and then when they serve no other purpose, they are tossed in the trash. Unless you get lucky enough to have the chance to throw THEM in the trash before they do you.
IMHO: I would not bother myself with it further. I know the hurt and devastation is a lot. I hear you, with cleaned out ears, but is the justification of ‘speaking to the wife’ necessary? You can bet that her radar KNOWS already that there is ‘something just not right’ but she is probably keeping the peace for the children.
I would just HERMETICALLY SEAL that door and not look back. THAT would be my justification. Your resolve will take away some of his supply. The ‘pangs’ he may or may not be feeling isn’t compassion, it’s his conscience speaking to him but instead of his conscience spurring him onto doing the ‘right things’, it is creating bitterness and hate inside him and THAT is where they get trapped. They don’t recognize their conscience as a ‘guide’ but see it as a ‘taunter’. To them, it certainly must be.
Don’t waste your time feeling sorry for them.
They are on a perpetual pity party in the first place.
Everything is always drama. All the time. 24/7.
FEEL SORRY FOR YOU AND YOUR DAUGHTER. Period.
Their entire premise is to be the center of attention all the time. I found that once you stop giving them attention and good attention and/or bad attention, that don’t matter, it’s all the same to them…any attention is good attention to them. Once you stop giving them the attention, they just go away on their own. Your little run in at the store may have taken care of that. Trust me.
You said before that you had already spoken to the police about this JERKAZOID; right? I would make it absolutely, 1,000% clear that he is never to be around me and my home nor my daughter ever again. If you have a restraining order against him, keep it current. Tolerate NOTHING and inspire nothing further would be my best suggestion to you.
STEP AWAY FROM THE SPATH.
So, you have a HAPPY HAPPY day and put that ‘feeling sorry for’ somewhere that IT DESERVES to be: ON YOU.
We can choose to react like they do or we can be a step above, which I certainly know we are. Right? You make me smile and are like one of my HEROES. Standing for that which is righteous is always the right thing. Always. This responsibility shouldn’t have to be and doesn’t have to be YOURS. Take my word on it. You are as free as you want to be. You and your daughter. You just have to live it.
I have always said that I am all for anything that makes us feel better short of harming another person. The way I see it, JERKAZOIDS CHILDREN are the real victims in all of this. Just like your Daughter. And now, you.
NO DRAMARAMA for me!!!!
I pulled the plug. Bye bye. Adios Sucker.
Hey, isn’t that party around here, somewhere????
Whose got the bottle of PB & J?
A share for you and your Daughter:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KEFa1f_WCms&feature=list_other&playnext=1&list=AL94UKMTqg-9DBobej_TFTlRlDaTRRFiAF
😛
Dupey
Matt & Others Who Responded:
Thank you all so very much! I apologize that it has taken me awhile to express my appreciation of your responses. I read them but this is the first day that I have not had my granddaughter in awhile and a baby just a few days shy of 6 months old is quite time consuming!
Since my last post, my son and I actually managed to have a very open and honest conversation but I was given strict instructions NOT to tell the mother anything about our discussion. He had totally shut down and wasn’t saying anything about the status of their relationship. My son also made the decision to go back to work and forget this stay at home dad thing since the baby is with us most of the time anyway. My son firmly believes that the mother suffers from ADD and is bi-polar as she claims. He insists that she didn’t act like this “before”. I told him that I feel that she acts WORSE than before but acknowledged that I had only been around her when she was on drugs and she claims to now be clean of drugs which I know isn’t TOTALLY true because of the ativan I found and the fact that she smoked pot. But, as far as the opiate addiction that she had before and during her pregnancy, I’m not sure about the status of THAT. I also asked my son if she lashed out at everyone in the manner that she does him and me. I told him that I just couldn’t see her being able to turn her ADD and being bi-polar off and on especially when she is at work. He told me that she is having problems at work and reminded me that she is on her 4th job in a little over a year. He told me that he understands my frustrations with her because he had to live with her behavior every day. I asked him what he was going to do about it and if he had considered giving her an ultimatum concerning her seeking treatment for her problem(s) since she gives him ultimatums all the time. We all keep hearing from her that she is “going” to get treatment but it never happens. He told me that he had done just that. She has an appointment with a psychiatrist next week and he said that he told her if she cancelled the appointment that he was taking the baby and leaving. He said after he sat silently and listened to her curse him for half an hour, he then told her that he would give her a couple of months to respond to the treatment and if there was no sign of improvement that he was still taking the baby and leaving. He added that he also found her sense of entitlement and her condescending attitude towards everyone extremely disturbing and thanked me for exposing him to my social justice work at a very young age. He said that he didn’t want his daughter to have her mother’s attitude of being more “special” and intelligent than anyone on the face of the earth. I didn’t feel it was the time to tell him that he had just described a narcissist or possibly even a sociopath. But, I did talk to him about various personality disorders that could mimic the ADD and bi-polar conditions that she claims to suffer from. These are HER self-diagnoses…by the way. He told me that he would do some research and I believe that he will. I can tell that he has already been trying to pinpoint exactly what her issues are which tells me that at least he recognizes that she definitely has some. He told me that all in the world that he wanted was a normal family life where the baby is at home with them when they aren’t working and that she spends the night at our house occasionally and visits with us like most grandchildren do from time to time. I honestly want this for him, too. He told me that he is growing more and more depressed with the situation and that’s why he is returning to work against her wishes. He said that he HAD to do something to improve his self-esteem and feel purposeful. I asked him WHY he had stayed as long as he had when I really don’t think he’d have a difficult time getting custody of the baby. He said that she uses her father’s money to threaten him with just like she makes jabs at me about her father’s money. I told my son that people who have money don’t talk about it and that our annual household income is more than twice the amount that she boasted about that of her father’s! He asked me WHY I don’t tell her that so she’ll shut up about “daddy’s money”. I told him that some things are better left unsaid and since she seems to feel that her father’s money is her only ammo, then let her continue to believe that. Otherwise, she might run with the baby or do something even more desperate because she sees the baby as HERS but simply as a possession.
As far as the paternity test…the child is a mini-me! My baby pics and hers are identical. I don’t think that’s a coincidence. My son looks just like his father yet his daughter looks exactly like me! I am totally amazed by that! She even has my ears, hands and feet! There’s no doubt that she belongs to my son. I wish that she didn’t look so much like me because the mother is angered by it. This worries me a lot. However, I don’t think it has anything to do with the fact that she isn’t very fond of me. She doesn’t like it when someone tells her that the baby looks like my son, either. She wants the baby to look just like her and even said so. She said that was the way it was “supposed to be”.
Matt, yes, the state we live in now recognizes the rights of grandparents. Some of you asked if my husband and I are prepared at our age to raise a child. YES! We are prepared to raise “our” granddaughter if it becomes necessary. My husband is every bit as wonderful as I described in previous posts and would have already tried to remove her from the parents’ custody if I had of agreed. He adores the baby as much as I do. He’s a good man. However, we would never consider adopting a child at our age just for the sake of having a baby. But, because she is our grandchild, we would most definitely raise her. I fear that we don’t really have enough evidence of neglect or abuse to take action. The baby is healthy and I haven’t seen the first sign of physical abuse. She isn’t bathed quite as often as I would like but it isn’t like they don’t bathe her at all. And, is it “neglectful” that she spends so much time with us from a legal standpoint? I feel that most of the problem is that the mother just doesn’t want to be bothered with the baby at all. Her WORK is her priority. She talks nonstop about her work and even when I attempt to tell her something new the baby has learned or some cute little thing that she’s done…she acts totally disinterested and actually interrupts me to continue talking about her work. She seems to feel justified in believing that because she works…first it was evening shift 3-11 and now she has transferred to graveyard shift 11-7…that she is entitled to sleep nearly every hour that she isn’t working! Is this youthful ignorance or actual neglect? My son has tried over and over again to take care of the baby while the mother sleeps but they live in a small one bedroom apartment and if the baby cries or squeals (she’s going through that phase where she enjoys hearing her own little voice), then the mother wakes and screams, curses and demands that my son make the baby be quiet. My son ends up bringing her to my house so the mother can sleep and he doesn’t want the baby exposed to the mother’s outbursts. He feels that it is important to have the baby on a regular schedule where she sleeps at night rather than a schedule that suits the mother’s work. I did ask my son if they were feeding her something that might be causing her to be constipated because every time they have her for a night or even a few hours out of a day, she is extremely constipated when she returns. I told him that she has never had that problem when I have her. He told me that the mother had been mixing her formula since he went back to work. So, I’m still a bit worried that she may be giving the baby something to make her sleep but I have no way of proving that. Or, she may be mixing it too rich! After all, she didn’t even know what brand of formula the baby took!
At this point, I feel that all we can do is keep good documentation of when we have the baby and of the mother’s extreme behavior. I also feel that no matter how frustrated I may get, I cannot betray my son’s trust. He sounds as though he’s just about had all he can stand and once he learned that we were more than willing to help him with attorney fees if this turns into a custody battle, he seemed to show signs of hope. The mother has done some damage to his already low self-esteem. And, her yo-yo thinking is wearing him down. He kept the baby last night, text me from his work at 8:00 this morning and asked if I could go get her because the mother said she needed to sleep. I called the mother and told her that I was on my way and she said that she had decided that she would just keep her. I received a text around lunch time from HER asking if I could come and get the baby…said she was too tired to drive. I responded back and told her that I was on my way. I was almost there and got another text from her telling me that she was going to try to get the baby to sleep so she could sleep. This alarmed me so I responded by telling her that I was almost there and keeping an eye on her for a few hours was not a problem. She responded and said the baby was now asleep. Then, I got another text from my son a couple of hours later asking me if I could watch her for a few hours. I said yes, and he told me that the mother had changed her mind. Speaking of the devil, I just now received a text and am now being asked if I can keep the baby overnight! The mother is off work tonight, all day tomorrow and tomorrow night! The baby will be here in 30 minutes!
Tami, regarding the last paragraph… it sounds like the mother is trying to yank your chain on purpose. “Come – No Don’t come – Come – No don’t come.” Sounds like a typical spath game of domineering and sabotaging your day plans and hopes on those day plans. She’s testing you, whether she can hurt you emotionally if she first dangles your grandchild like a carrot in front of you, and when you bite she takes it away again.
NEVER let a spath know your desires or hopes! If she tries this again, just do not argue anymore, and DO NOT insist it’s “Ok, I can take care of her, I’m nearly there.”
Also you can take this even a bit further, if she truly is doing what I suspect she’s doing. Let’s say she’s proposing you to babysit on your granddaughter. I’m pretty sure that if you were to say (and lie), “That’s a pity. It would be inconvenient right now, because …[some appointment you might have].,” she would drop the baby off herself personally ASAP, just because she believes it would inconvenience you.
Tami,
The spath is setting you up. They target your emotions because they have none. She can’t love bomb you since you don’t like her. So she sent a trojan horse: her baby who practically mirrors you by looking just like you. Her plan? To get you addicted to that little bundle of love and then take it away.
All spaths do this. Your spath has just managed to find a way around the fact that you don’t even like her. She knows you have money and she intends to get it. She’s going to use that baby as a hook.
I’m so sorry that I don’t have the answer to this dilemma. Your granddaughter is going to be used as a pawn. The only thing you can do is to make both your son and the spath believe that you DON’T WANT THAT BABY. They need to believe that you want to enjoy your golden years, not raise another baby. You need to use ‘Selective Gray Rock’. Only show them the emotions you want them to think you have, never your real ones.
You are being played, Tami, there’s no doubt about it.
OK — So today was good and not so good…. good in that I succeeded in being productive and stayed mostly on track — got together with a good friend and had some really HONESt chats about EVEryTHING going on for both of us. It’s good to know that screw ups are a normal part of life… screw ups are NORMAL — and I am NORMAL. We are NORMAL. HE is NOT. We were his victims.
But I don’t know what is plaguing me with melancholy today. I have been rehearsing the “Serenity Prayer” in my mind — “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change…” But what is it that I want to change? I CAN’t change the fact that this happened. I can;t change the fact that this man lied to us and shattered my daughter’s trust I can’t change the fact that this man is NOT the “son”” I thought he was. I can’t change the fact that this man is married and can never be a part of our lives. I can’t change the fact that he is SICK beyond telling. I KNOW this intellectually. I guess the thing I want to change it the WHOLE THING. I wish NONE of this were true. I want my dream back. Isn’t that the most STUPID thing you ever heard? I KNOW this cannot be — that there is no miraculous healing and happy ending. This is an effing mess and there can be no clean and happy resolution. But I SO very much WANT that — and I guess what is making me so sad is that this cannot be. So the cognitive dissonance of the SHOCK Of his lies vs. the reality he had created with us has given way to the dissonance between my dream — which seemed SO REAL, and the terribly ugly reality of what he is and what he did to us.
I just feel so sad and tired tonight. THe victory in the store seems but a Pyhrric victory… more devastating than victorious. I saw in that moment of shocked recognition the man I once knew — the man who listened to me, the man who called me mom. and I saw shame. Then fear. What is the victory in that.
I guess the victory is that I did not act like a crazy woman and hit him up-side the head with the nearest frying pan. I reacted in control and serenity. I just wish I had that now
I am tired of fighting this battle with my emotions and I just wish the roller coaster of hurt would go the hell away.
Sorry to be on a downer today 🙁
Kathie2, you need NEVER apologize for how you’re feeling, ever again. IF you’re down, then you’re down….temporarily, but it’s nothing to apologize for!
And, it is very “normal” to go through a host of emotions in one day.
Every day away from the spath is another step further from the cruelties and insanity.
Brightest blessings
Tami, Darwinsmom and Skylar hit the nail squarely on the proverbial head. The mother is playing your emotions like a violin.
This mother knows that you love that child. She, of course, does not. WHATEVER farking label you want to tag the mother with, it’s 100% TOXIC. But, she is clearly demonstrating that she is not to be trusted any further than you could kick her with your bare feet! She does not “love” that child in any “normal” sense of the word. She has an appendage that happens to be an infant. The appendage is a tool, a bait, a lure…..and, that’s ALL she is in that mother’s world.
At this point, some serious legal maneuvering needs to happen in the best interests of the child. And, you may not have a whole lot of legal options, here.
But, as has been so wisely pointed out, taking on and raising this child may seem like the right thing to do, but one would be very prudent to take into consideration that, just because this child was not born with an addiction to opiates DOES NOT preclude that there wasn’t damage. Consider if the mother’s issues are genetic, there’s a distinctc possibility that this beautiful, innocent infant might just be a carbon copy of the mother. There is no possible way to foresee this.
I am in complete agreement with Darwinsmom and Skylar – take back the control of your emotions with regard to this dreadful situation. Laying down strict guidelines and boundaries will stop this bullshit dead on its way to the dirt.
Although some may vehemently disagree, this would definitely be my personal stance: “You want me to watch the baby? THEN, YOU BRING HER OVER. And, if I’m watching the baby while you’re at work, YOU PAY ME. I’ve already raised my children which were MY responsibility. I am NOT going to raise someone else’s child unless they provide me with substantial financial support. Period.”
Now, I am not expecting everyone (or, even ANYONE) to agree with my stance because it pertains specifically to me. But, what I’m getting at is that firm, strict, and high boundaries will save you from so much agony with regard to the baby.
Brightest blessings to you, Tami