Many Lovefraud readers experience the phenomenon of “losing yourself” in the sociopathic relationship. Before meeting the sociopath, you may have been, for the most part, happy, confident, successful and financially stable. You had a network of people who cared about you. Yes, there was some kind of vulnerability—perhaps you were a bit lonely—and the sociopath used the vulnerability to infiltrate your life. But, for the most part, you were okay.
Then, either suddenly or slowly, your life disintegrated, and the problems you face are so immense, and so interconnected, and so overwhelming, that you don’t know where to begin unraveling them. You don’t have the energy to start. Rather than the happy and confident person you once were, you are anxious, depressed and fearful. You don’t know how you are going to survive.
And you don’t know how it all happened. Trying to figure it out, you describe the individual’s behavior to friends or a therapist, and someone mentions the word “sociopath.” Or you do a Google search—perhaps on “pathological lying”—and end up on Lovefraud.
You are in shock. The description fits, and you realize that the individual never cared about you, that you were targeted, and that you allowed yourself to be scammed, either financially or emotionally. You’ve lost money, or your home, or your job, or your support network—or all of it.
Blame game
As you realize the depths of the betrayal, the blame game starts. And whom do you blame? Yourself.
You are furious with yourself for not seeing it sooner. You didn’t listen to people who warned you, or to your own inner voice that was telling you something was amiss. Instead, you believed the silver-tongued liar, the crying and pleading actor, whose real intention was to drain from you everything he or she could.
Besides everything physical and financial that you lost, you are most upset because you no longer have your sense of self. You feel like you lost your soul.
Now what?
The sociopath is responsible
First of all, recognize that you are not responsible for the abuse you experienced.
The sociopath may have blamed you for his or her actions, saying, “You made him (her) do it.” Understand that statements like these were all part of the manipulation. The terrible words were spoken specifically to throw you off-balance and break you down, so that the sociopath could maintain control.
He or she is responsible for the hurtful words—and for all abusive actions.
Commit to recovery
Next, know that you can recover. The key to recovery is recognizing that the fraud and betrayal is NOT WHO YOU ARE. The devastation by the sociopath is something that happened to you. The betrayal was an incident, an experience. Do not allow it to define the rest of your life.
Make a decision, a commitment to yourself, that you are going to heal.
This means you need to allow yourself to experience the deep wells of pain, disappointment and grief that the experience caused. You have to get it out of your system, and the only way to do that is to allow yourself to process the pain, which means feeling it.
Finally, you need to let the experience go. How do you do this? You accept that it happened, and that there is nothing you can do to change the past. This does not mean you excuse what the sociopath did. But you do recognize that the betrayal was an INCIDENT IN YOUR LIFE, and NOT LET IT DEFINE THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.
It is true that you will never be the same after the experience with the sociopath, and you may have, in fact, lost yourself. But by facing the pain, processing it and letting it go, you can find a new “you,” one with a richer, deeper understanding of the human condition, and more capacity for love and compassion than you ever had before.
You can recover. You can grow. You can acquire wisdom. And you can move on and find happiness—perhaps sharing the wisdom you acquired to help prevent others from going through what you experienced.
Actually, Truthseak, I don’t think boundaries will cut it here, when it includes telling them what you want and desire from them. Spaths use boundaries to break them and upset you even more. They are like 2 year olds in that regard. With spaths you usually need to just apply the boundaries onto yourself.
But that 2 year old mind can be misled into doing what you desire as long as that mind thinks it’s doing something you don’t want them to too.
Darwinsmom, SPOT-ON!!! The giving of information – whether it’s what we “want” or desire or wish, along with our own personal history – this giving of information is simply a bucketload of tools for them to use.
That’s sort of what I was getting at with boundaries – they need to apply to the whole self. Boundaries aren’t just to keep bad people OUT, but to keep us IN, as well. Sounds kind of like incarceration, but it’s a “good” type of enclosure, for me.
Absolutely spot-on, Darwinsmom, and something that I need to keep in mind, at all times. No personal history. No personal goals. No personal hopes or fears. Nothing “personal” until such time as someone has EARNED my trust and confidence. VERY good insight, Darwinsmom – priceless.
Brightest blessings
To clarify with regard to telling the mother to bring the child to me, etc., that would be my approach and I would have to muster an objectivity that typically doesn’t exist in these types of situations. If the mother didn’t want to bring the child to me, then I would have to take a deep breath, and get myself busy doing something productive. I would have to really force myself to resist the impulse to get in my car to go collect the baby – this would be very difficult for me, because my emotions with regard to this child would be in high gear.
That would be one of the boundaries that I would set before myself, along with being paid for watching this baby while someone is at work.
I gather that the father is somewhat involved, but has he taken any legal steps to end this relationship and win custody of his baby? Yeah, he’s recovering and all of that, but it’s dreadfully clear that the baby isn’t considered a human being by the mother, but a tool to manipulate. As the baby grows up into a child, it will be exposed to all manner of manipulations and emotional (if not, physical) cruelties, and the father needs to be proactive about this.
At any rate, Tami, brightest courageous blessings to you
I thought this might apply to this article:
re·solve (r-zlv)
v. re·solved, re·solv·ing, re·solves
v.tr.
1. To make a firm decision about.
2. To cause (a person) to reach a decision. See Synonyms at decide.
3. To decide or express by formal vote.
4. To change or convert: My resentment resolved itself into resignation.
5. To find a solution to; solve. See Synonyms at solve.
6. To remove or dispel (doubts).
7. To bring to a usually successful conclusion: resolve a conflict.
8. Medicine To cause reduction of (an inflammation, for example).
9. Music To cause (a tone or chord) to progress from dissonance to consonance.
10. Chemistry To separate (an optically inactive compound or mixture) into its optically active constituents.
11. To render parts of (an image) visible and distinct.
12. Mathematics To separate (a vector, for example) into coordinate components.
13. To melt or dissolve (something).
14. Archaic To separate (something) into constituent parts.
v.intr.
1. To reach a decision or make a determination: resolve on a course of action.
2. To become separated or reduced to constituents.
3. Music To undergo resolution.
n.
1. Firmness of purpose; resolution.
2. A determination or decision; a fixed purpose.
3. A formal resolution made by a deliberative body
Truth — this was VERY helpful:
Every day away from the spath is another step further from the cruelties and insanity.
I need to remember this — and AGAIN to remind myself that the memories of good times are all LIES. And I would not go back, and it cannot change It’s just so hard. I really HATE this and I just do not understand myself.
kathie2: what you are feeling is the way the spath intertwined itself around your soul and your being. That was part of the ‘plan’. The ‘time bomb’ we are left with. If you look at it like that, it kind of puts some kind of ‘finality’ to it; doesn’t it? It’s true.
Yes, keep reminding yourself of THE LIES and the manipulations. I know, personally, I don’t want that around MY LIFE. There is NO SAVING them. They are on a path of self destruction and all those who get in the way are going with them, in some form or another. I KNOW.
Yah, Truthspeak, that was a pretty awesome post.
Thanks. Kind of puts things in perspective, doesn’t it?
These dreadful beings do not deserve our sympathies.
They only use sympathy as a means to an end.
YES! They ARE ‘that good’ at what they do.
If you have something they want, they will stop at NOTHING to get it. The law, I notice, DOES kind of ‘sway’ them, somewhat. They would rather avoid going to jail at all costs because THEN they can’t have their sexual addictions and do as they please. They do feel they are ABOVE the law, though. They feel the law was made for everyone else but them.
The only thing I can say, after dealing with this for ten years, now, is that THE BEST THING I EVER DID FOR MYSELF WAS GETTING IT AWAY FROM ME. I have been working, the past two years, to untwist the damage that it all has done to my mind and my self. I have been rebuilding myself a moment at a time and that’s not easy to do when you aren’t sure how much life you have left to live. All of my medical people will NOT give me any information in regards to my physical state nor prognosis at this point. They ARE leaning very heavily towards finding “IT” somewhat responsible, however. So, that only tells me that perhaps it isn’t so good; hm?
But, that’s alright – life still goes on.
And, it’s going to go on WITHOUT THIS DRAMARAMA this “BEING” brought into my world with “ITS” ten years of stalking and conniving.
It is said that the devil is the father of confusion.
What do we have in us since all this? Hm?
There have been times, where I have been absolutely CONVINCED this is an ‘evil happening’ because I have never seen the depth and degree of evilness like I have the past ten years. Suddenly, it makes my dysfunctional childhood look like it was a ‘walk in the park’; trust me.
But they are PREDATORS and think we are PREY.
I refuse to allow my conscience to bother me any further. People like this deserve no sympathy from me. Especially not when they threaten to murder you and then attempt it in a great many different ways.
n.
1. FIRMNESS OF PURPOSE; RESOLUTION.
If it looks like a duck; it quacks like a duck; it smells like a duck and waddles like a duck: IT MUST BE A DUCK!
😛
Dupey
Dupey — THANK YOU, Your resolve and strength are very helpful and inspirational. I just got back from talking to my pastor — it was healing and wonderful. His words were “THat’s evil verging on, if not liiterally — the demonic.” EChoes your words that the “father of lies and confusion”is Satan himself. I intend to separate myself daily from this mess. RESOLVE is what I will have. I know I will stumble — but we will be OK.
THank you again. and I will continue to pray for your health.
Kathie2
Dearest Dupey,
I love your words of wisdom.
You said “Firmness of purpose; resolution”
Friend, I needed to hear that little nugget of truth. It’s been a difficult week.
Thank you.
Hugs x
kathie2: I just hope and pray that you and your Daughter will find your way back to happiness and joy of life after all of this. I hear your strength and resolve and the love you have for your Daughter. She sounds like an amazing girl. You should be very proud of her. She equally should be as proud of her Mother.
It’s so eerie that you should mention going to see your pastor earlier and him confirming, before I mentioned it, that yes, “it’s evil verging on…demonic…” My “IT” even has a history of worshipping the devil and murdering animals. Of course, I find all this out after having opened the door; right? That was my first mistake. Opening the door. I should have never opened that door.
The devil can’t come into your home and/or your life if you just refuse him entry. Right? I know I am talking a religious belief and philosophy here, but what if I am not? What if I am speaking from a different aspect other than religion? There is a lot still left to be said for the war that wages between the forces and powers of evil and good.
I know what I saw, what I smelled, what I tasted, what I experienced and I have experienced evil and darkness before in my lifetime but never so complete and so wicked. Absolutely NO remorse whatsoever. None. Not for anything. Ever. Like a shark eating a baby seal in the ocean. To them, it’s survival.
Thanks for praying for my health.
I seem to need all the prayers I can muster.
Blessings to you and your Daughter and your loving home. I will pray for you as well. Stay safe above all else.
Dupey
((My Dear Friend Strongawoman)))
I have been thinking of you and praying that your life is going well these days. Thanks for ‘loving’ my pearls of wisdom, as you would classify them…others may have a different aspect. I think I say the words out loud to confirm them to myself, half the time. It always makes more sense when the words are spoken; right?
I am sorry you have been having a hard week.
Kick your shoes off, sit back with a cold brew and listen to the rain trickle down your window…it IS raining, there, is it not? If not, certainly you will smell it before “I” ever will. We are in the midst of a horrid drought that just seems to keep getting worse and worse. I may have to move there to escape.
You stay safe and strong and determined, like I know you are and you are going to be just fine. I can’t help but say to myself, all the time:
“I just can’t believe that the dramarama is over and it’s quiet in my life again!!!” It makes me want to dance around in circles like a little girl all over again. Seriously. Then you get a cog/diss about feeling guilty because you are so happy it’s away from you; right? hahahaha
It’s just a vicious cycle some times. I try to ignore it and laugh it all away for THE JOKE “IT” truly has been…LIES, all of it..manufactured GARBAGE = so, I picked up the garbage and I put it where it belongs. All done.
Hang in there strongawoman…
Hugz back xxoo