Many Lovefraud readers experience the phenomenon of “losing yourself” in the sociopathic relationship. Before meeting the sociopath, you may have been, for the most part, happy, confident, successful and financially stable. You had a network of people who cared about you. Yes, there was some kind of vulnerability—perhaps you were a bit lonely—and the sociopath used the vulnerability to infiltrate your life. But, for the most part, you were okay.
Then, either suddenly or slowly, your life disintegrated, and the problems you face are so immense, and so interconnected, and so overwhelming, that you don’t know where to begin unraveling them. You don’t have the energy to start. Rather than the happy and confident person you once were, you are anxious, depressed and fearful. You don’t know how you are going to survive.
And you don’t know how it all happened. Trying to figure it out, you describe the individual’s behavior to friends or a therapist, and someone mentions the word “sociopath.” Or you do a Google search—perhaps on “pathological lying”—and end up on Lovefraud.
You are in shock. The description fits, and you realize that the individual never cared about you, that you were targeted, and that you allowed yourself to be scammed, either financially or emotionally. You’ve lost money, or your home, or your job, or your support network—or all of it.
Blame game
As you realize the depths of the betrayal, the blame game starts. And whom do you blame? Yourself.
You are furious with yourself for not seeing it sooner. You didn’t listen to people who warned you, or to your own inner voice that was telling you something was amiss. Instead, you believed the silver-tongued liar, the crying and pleading actor, whose real intention was to drain from you everything he or she could.
Besides everything physical and financial that you lost, you are most upset because you no longer have your sense of self. You feel like you lost your soul.
Now what?
The sociopath is responsible
First of all, recognize that you are not responsible for the abuse you experienced.
The sociopath may have blamed you for his or her actions, saying, “You made him (her) do it.” Understand that statements like these were all part of the manipulation. The terrible words were spoken specifically to throw you off-balance and break you down, so that the sociopath could maintain control.
He or she is responsible for the hurtful words—and for all abusive actions.
Commit to recovery
Next, know that you can recover. The key to recovery is recognizing that the fraud and betrayal is NOT WHO YOU ARE. The devastation by the sociopath is something that happened to you. The betrayal was an incident, an experience. Do not allow it to define the rest of your life.
Make a decision, a commitment to yourself, that you are going to heal.
This means you need to allow yourself to experience the deep wells of pain, disappointment and grief that the experience caused. You have to get it out of your system, and the only way to do that is to allow yourself to process the pain, which means feeling it.
Finally, you need to let the experience go. How do you do this? You accept that it happened, and that there is nothing you can do to change the past. This does not mean you excuse what the sociopath did. But you do recognize that the betrayal was an INCIDENT IN YOUR LIFE, and NOT LET IT DEFINE THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.
It is true that you will never be the same after the experience with the sociopath, and you may have, in fact, lost yourself. But by facing the pain, processing it and letting it go, you can find a new “you,” one with a richer, deeper understanding of the human condition, and more capacity for love and compassion than you ever had before.
You can recover. You can grow. You can acquire wisdom. And you can move on and find happiness—perhaps sharing the wisdom you acquired to help prevent others from going through what you experienced.
Darwinsmom, Skylar & Others,
My son is a victim right now just like we were once victims. He can’t see what everyone else can about the mother of his child. He fully believes that her behavior is due to her claims of suffering from ADD and being bi-polar.
And, as far as not making myself available to take care of my granddaughter…I have concerns about just WHO will. I feel that if she isn’t wanted there, then she doesn’t NEED to be there. I did try a little experiment. My husband and I made the decision a couple of weeks ago that we were going to get away every other Saturday night for the remainder of the summer. We run a business out of our house and the work load has been so heavy this year, that it doesn’t look like we are going to be able to take a real vacation so these getaways will give us a little bit of a break. I told my son this when we made the decision. Now, my son has gone back to work and works 12 hour shifts only on Saturdays and Sundays. The mother works graveyards and claims to have an erratic work schedule never knowing from one day to the next if she’s going to be off on the days she is scheduled to be. And, even if she’s off work, I usually end up with the baby because she’s “just SO tired” from work! Tomorrow is our Saturday to get away and I told my son that I couldn’t babysit. At first, he said that he’d contact my 1st cousin about keeping the baby we feel very comfortable with her taking care of her but of course, she’d need to be paid but not a regular childcare rate because she loves the baby and she’s family. My son and I were communicating through texts which I detest! I told him this would only be every other Saturday for the next few weeks and reminded him that the mother was off on SOME weekends herself and that she could just watch her. It wasn’t long before he text me back complaining that he guessed he’d have to forget about his job and look for a weekday job! I was predicting every response that I was about to get from him because I knew the mother was the one calling the shots or telling him what to say. The mother keeping the baby alone just does NOT seem to be an option! So, I told him not to quit his job and that we would just take the baby with us! I told my husband after sending that text that it would be awhile before I heard back from him because I knew that this would make the mother feel like she had lost control of our lives and the baby’s and that she and my son were arguing at that moment about what the problem was with our taking the baby along with us for an overnight stay within a couple of hours drive from our house. The girl honestly expects that we should have the baby 90% of the time but that she can tell us where we can and cannot take her which is basically NOWHERE! Of course, my husband and I have just ignored her wishes. My son then sent a text back saying that he wasn’t certain that he’d be working tomorrow and that he’d let me know. As of yesterday morning when he brought the baby back after I had her until her bedtime the night before despite the mother telling me that she would be picking her up at 10 AM that morning, he STILL claimed not to know whether he was working tomorrow. I told him that it didn’t matter to us either way and that we might just turn our getaway into a day trip rather than an overnight stay if we had the baby. Of course, we’re NOT going to do this and I will text the mother and let her know that we’ve decided to stay overnight and tell her where we are. She changes her mind like the wind, so we’ll do some yo-yoing of our own!
Another thing that really bothered me is that the baby has now been eating baby food for over a month now and loves it. I don’t know if I already posted about this or not but I know I posted about my concerns that the baby is constipated every time she returns after having spent even a few hours with the mother. I even went as far as to ask my son what they were feeding her that was causing this and ask if they were giving her something to make her sleep…like benadryl which can cause constipation and DEATH for a baby her age. He said no. A couple of days later, the mother called me to ask that I please not give her anymore oatmeal because it was constipating her! I’ve had the baby for weeks, fed her the oatmeal and she has NEVER been constipated. This girl is a nurse and actually thought I was stupid enough to believe that oatmeal causes constipation when in fact it is recommended to relieve that problem! She carried on and on about it. Now, I’m FIRMLY convinced that the baby is being given something! The girl talks herself into a hole, thinks that I’m just naturally going to believe ANYTHING she says and feels that she’s done a great job at covering her tracks. It took me a while to figure out what she’s REALLY saying when she talks and talks and talks about something. I have to listen for the “hidden” message or that one line in the middle of her tall tales in which she slips in the point that she’s REALLY trying to prove. Also, they are too lazy to feed the baby the baby food. I even GAVE them several containers and found them in their car yesterday when I was helping my son carry in the baby’s laundry. Yes, I offered to do what little laundry she dirties while she is with them after recognizing that she was being dressed in dirty clothes covered in old spit up and poop!
I have also started keeping the receipts for everything we buy for the baby. We spend well over $100 each week on formula, food & diapers. This doesn’t include optional things like wipes, or toys that not only entertain her but that promote her coordination and development. She lays in a reclining position and naps in her car seat or is in her crib the entire time they have her. At this point, my husband and I just don’t feel that we can risk what might happen if we refuse to keep the baby. We worry ourselves to death any time she is in their care as it is.
Tami, I truly, truly feel for you and the horrific position that you’re in.
CLEARLY (CAPS are not meant to infer internet yelling or screaming – only EMPHASIS), both parents are incapable of caring for this child. Whether the son is a victim, or not, is not the issue. The son has CHOICES – to believe the claptrap bullshit that excuses the mother’s behaviors, or not. It is the CHILD that is the victim, here, along with everyone else who is in fear for that child’s life and well-being. This child does not have choices. She cannot advocate for herself. She cannot TELL anyone about emotional or physical abuses (doping up a child with Benadryl to make it sleep is ABUSE). She does not have a voice. However, your son DOES.
Once again, I want to reiterate that my CAPS are for emphasis, only – in a highly-charged emotional state, we can often misinterpret written meanings, so I want to make it clear. With every verbal emphasis, I am gripping you very, very tight in a “virtual hug” of absolute support and encouragement.
The baby is likely constipated because she isn’t getting enough liquids, and the probability that she is being medicated with OTC stuff to keep her quiet is prety strong, given the fact that the mother, herself, announced that she lacks a mothering instinct.
I wasn’t suggesting that this child be abandoned, by any stretch of the imagination. Someone needs to intervene, YESTERDAY, whether it’s you filing for physical custody or another agency that is brought into this dire situation. My only reference to considering what full physical custody would require was so that you would be able to view all of the options with some clarity.
Having said that, please, try to read my words with the intention that they are typed, here: it is the “worry” for this child’s well-being and safety that the spath mother (oh, yes she fits the profile) and your enabling son are counting upon to garner whatever they can, whether it’s cash, free babysitting, or anything else. Neither of these adults are taking the simple needs and requirements of this child into consideration, and the excuses are myriad. Don’t ALLOW this, even if you are filing for custody. Just because someone has issues does NOT excuse neglecting another human being that is utterly dependent upon someone else to see to their basic needs.
Spaths induce a constant state of emotional turmoil, at the very least. It is a part of their job description: “to cause as much damage as possible.” The mother is using a voiceless human life to torment everyone that is associated with this horrid mess, and the father is allowing himself to be dragged around by the nostrils to enable her.
Text messages? Really? I wouldn’t be answering a single one of them – if you want to talk to me, then you can use your words over the phone. SHE could be sending those texts, for all you know.
I wish that I had the answer to this terrible situation, Tami. I know what I would likely do, but I can’t even suggest which course of actions might be best for YOU and your husband. But, whatever course you choose, that child is in danger – mortal danger – and waiting for something serious to happen before whatever action is taken is not going to help that child, one iota. The only suggestion that I can make is to “Do Something.” Whether it’s filing for custody, getting DYFS involved, or some other legal intervention to protect the one that has no voice.
Brightest, and most sincere blessings to you, Tami.
Tami,
I am not suggesting that you refuse to take care of the baby, but instead pretend to be doing the responsible thing out of duty feelings rather than love for the child. If she knows you do it out of love for the child, she’ll use the child as a carrot to lure you and then hurt you by refusing you to see her. If she BELIEVES that she’s annoying you somewhat by dropping off the child, then she will love nothing more than have you take care of the baby constantly.
That she tries to control your lives with the baby is blatantly obvious with the Saturday-off trouble you brought up. Once she knew your intent to have a day off from her, from the baby, and have some me/us time with your husband, OF COURSE she instantly manipulates the situation to ensure that you will have the baby on that day and make sure you cannot venture off.
The opposite is true: if for example you were to have her know a day of the week where you would absolutely love to take care of the baby and it would be no problem at all to you on such a day, then you will see that she will start to manipulate the situation so that you will never get to babysit on that day.
I know it sounds daunting and dangerous to make it sound inconvenient for you to take care of the baby. You fear she might use that info to start another slander campaign and use it against you. Well, first of all this spath will slander you irregardless of what you do and say. She has done that in the past already. That made you fear her, and is why she feels confident that she can play you like a puppet on strings.
Secondly, you can make her believe she’s inconveniencing your life by having take care of the baby without giving her ammunition. For example, reverse the psychology and portray your day schedules opposite of your actual likes – have her know that you’re rethinking the schedule about the days off, and from now on would love to have the baby on Saturdays. She’ll then make sure you won’t get to babysit on Saturdays, and so you’ll have your Saturday off.
And on the days you in reality would love to have the baby, you can say for example that you have inscribed yourself for some activity. Preferably it would be a hobby you’ve supposedly already paid membership money for. You can bet on it that she will make sure that you will never be able to get to go to this fictional hobby of yours, especially if she also believes she made you waste your fictional membership money because of it.
I know it sounds horrible to lie and misrepresent your schedules, but it is the sole way imo you will be able to be in control of your own life and schedule. It takes her to believe she’s controlling your schedule and life with the baby, while the opposite is true. And she will never be able to use the info against you.
Another thing you can drop as info, without even making it sound like a complaint are the expenses. For example you can say it with a smile, almost like a joke and as a by-the-by observation… Like, “Oh my I had totally forgotten how much a small bundle of joy can be so expensive.” You can even twist that into a sympathetic comment to the mother, of what kind of expenses she must be having (be sure to have witnesses who can say you weren’t complaining or a recording of it). And it won’t be a lie at all. Once she believes though she’s inconveniencing you financially by having taking care of the baby, she’ll want to hand you the baby as often as she can.
Darwinsmom, spot-on. The manipulations for the “love” of the baby are absolutely clear. And, I really appreciate the way that you turned it from “love” to “duty.” Removing the EMOTION from the situation takes away ONE weapon in the spath mother’s arsenal.
The spath mother doesn’t sound particularly bright, although she is a master-manipulator IF she has something (someONE) that she can use to fuel her machinations. She likely will never catch on to the reverse psychology because she cannot envision ANYONE being as “smart” as she is.
What a pig. You know, one must earn a driver’s license, a license to operate a business, a license to fly a plane, a license to sell handmade goods at a craft fair, etc….but, any human being has the “right to reproduce,” and that does NOT sit well with me, at all. There are some people out there that have no business producing offspring, and this gal is one of them.
Additionally, Tami, I would probably be inclined to hold my son’s feet to the fire, as well. He is culpable in this nasty situation, and needs to be accountable, as well, whether or not he’s enabling the spath, or not. The “True Victim” in this situation is the baby.
Again, brightest blessings
Okay, I SO appreciate everyone’s input and advice. You are all “right on”. The parents paid the my cousin to baby sit the baby at my house while I went for my appointment today. My son worked 14 hours today and text me several times to ask if I was home yet and he text my cousin a couple of times to ask if all was well with the baby. The mother, who is normally totally exhausted after the end of her graveyard shift, ran “errands” all day and never once called to check on the baby. She also didn’t go to bed to prepare for her shift until late in the evening. My son brought me the babysitting money to pass along to my cousin because I will see her later today. He asked if I could keep the baby tonight because he was totally exhausted. I told him yes and asked if a decision had been made about whether or not we could take the baby with us for an overnight stay a couple of hours away. He was really wishy washy about it…said he’d need to talk to the mother and asked me if I’d please not be upset if we couldn’t take her with us. I told him of course I wasn’t going to be upset because we had planned an overnight trip ALONE but we’d take the baby along with us if they needed a sitter and didn’t have one. He asked me 3 times what my preference was…to take her along or that just my husband and I go. I told him that it really didn’t make any difference to us but that I needed to know something. Yes, the mother was behind my son’s questions. I intentionally let her know that it didn’t matter to us one way or another whether the baby went along or not and it really doesn’t. My son kept saying that he would have to let me know once the mother “decided” if the baby could go. I told him the ONLY decision that needed to be made was whether they needed a sitter or not but that we were going baby or not! I didn’t hear anything back for a good while and during that time my husband and I discussed that we would have to take his king cab pickup if we took the baby instead of my 2 seater sports car. I sent my son a message back and told him that it would probably be best if we didn’t take the baby because the truck needs tires and my husband hadn’t had time around his work to get them put on this week and planned to get new ones on Monday. I told him they were far from the blow out stage but we would prefer not to risk the possibility of even having a flat that would leave the baby and me in the truck on the side of the road while my husband changed it. I told my son that they would need to pick the baby up by 11:00 AM because we planned to leave then. They NEVER pick her up when they say they are going to and I’m a little sick of that. Sometimes, it’s HOURS after they are supposed to have picked her up and I don’t even get so much as a text or call form them. I can’t plan anything because I never know when they are coming! So, I told him if they weren’t here to pick her up on time that they could pick her up Sunday evening when we got back! I also told him that I would not be paying someone to run MY errands for me anymore. I told him that if I needed to go grocery shopping that the baby would be going with me from now on. If they come to collect her hours after they promised, then they could wait on ME to get back home with her. My son said that he understood but that I needed to give the mother some time to get some meds for her illnesses. I told him that she had had nearly 6 months and that was a half year out of my life and that I wasn’t going to be my life on hold another second. I also told him that as far as I knew, there are NO meds to treat a dictator and a control freak. I told him that she needed to understand that and if she couldn’t, then she could pay someone to watch the baby 24/7. It wasn’t 15 minutes until he pulled in our driveway and told me that between her and us that his life was pure hell! My husband informed him that the only way that we were making his life pure hell was by not allowing her to control OUR lives and that we weren’t the ones that were being unreasonable. I reminded him that we had bent over backwards to help with the baby. He apologized and said that he would try to find some other way to make her understand that she couldn’t treat people who were trying to help them in the manner that she had been. I told him from now on if I/we had the baby and needed to run errands or wanted to go out to eat, that we would be taking her with us. I told him that he knew our every other Saturday plans for the remainder of the summer and if they expected us to keep her on those nights that we’d let them know where she was when we reached our destination. He told me that he really didn’t mind where we took her. I told him that I KNEW this but that he’d best make it clear to the mother. And, no, she isn’t even a GOOD sociopath…she’s totally transparent and I can leave her at a lose for words in an instant! That’s why she always makes my son do her dirty work and then tells him how stupid he is because he doesn’t even TRY to come up with any explanation because he knows there isn’t one! And, yes! She has sent me and other family members texts from his phone. He’s a “hey” guy. She starts off with “hi, there”. She thinks she’s so clever that she doesn’t even think that I know how my own son communicates. She doesn’t even TRY to sound like him! I could fool HER into believing that a text I sent was from him long before she could ever fool me! I know EXACTLY how he communicates and expresses himself…I raised him! She seems to forget that I’m his mother and know him much better than she probably ever will! And, yes, I want to shake him! But, I can tell that he’s scared and doesn’t know what to do, either. She threatens him with running away with the baby all the time. And, our local DCS office is filled with ignorant social workers…they are known here as nothing but a JOKE! Nobody even tries to deal with them! They’d much rather listen to lies than the truth because they’re too lazy to do their jobs!
Oh, and I have to add that I have absolutely NO proof that the baby is being giving Benadryl or not being fed properly. You see, it would just come down to our word against theirs. It is almost IMPOSSIBLE in this town to remove a child from the parents’ care unless the child has two black eyes and broken bones or has been locked in a cage for years. Literally, these very things happen here AFTER parents have been reported to DCS! They wait until something EXTREME happens before they do anything. And, I can’t kidnap the baby, either.
Tami, good for you for seeing precisely what is happening! It is very difficult for anyone to remain focused under these types of circumstances – I’ve been there with the first exspath, and when the protective authorities aren’t diligent, it makes things all the more difficult.
Unfortunately, your son is so deep into this mess that he doesn’t know how to extract himself. For the present, I would strongly urge you to keep a “running log” of everything, and I mean EVERYthing. This “log” should only contain facts – not feelings, personal observations, personal views, or judgements. Just facts. If it is a fact that the baby is delivered to you in a state of filth and in a dirty diaper, record it because it is a fact. If you believe that the mother is using drugs, again, that is not a fact, but a feeling. There are many reasons for keeping this log. The main one is to provide a COPY to any/all objective parties that will be working on behalf of this child’s best interests. And, believe me, at some point, there will be action taken.
The running log also is a reference to the spath mother’s inconsistencies. This can be used by authorities, Courts, and to show to your son so that he can have some basis of factual reference. It is also a good tool in the event that you become involved in some counseling therapy. Tami, you’re involved in one of the nastiest situations that a spath can create when they use an innocent child like a putty-knife to alter people’s lives and perceptions. I don’t care who an individual is or how strong they may feel they are, this type of situation creates horrific damages that empathetic people simply aren’t equipped to manage, on their own.
But….having said that, it sounds as if you’ve got a fairly good handle on this. Keep reading, keep posting, and consider some counseling as a supplement to this amazing site.
Brightest blessings of strength and resolve to you, Tami! And, big, big hugs
Advice greatly needed, we have to do something NOW! I now know that my son and my granddaughter’s mother are back on drugs and have been for some time.
A long time childhood friend of my son’s called me at 7:30 yesterday morning just to talk. The young man has always been a bit of an outcast and the lonely type even as a small child. My son is the closest friend that he’s ever had. He spent a lot of time at my house from the time he was small through his teen years. He actually calls my “mom” and has always felt comfortable talking with me about anything…maybe because I would listen and give him the attention that he so badly needed. He said he was calling to ask if my husband had some heavy weights that he could spare for an upcoming fishing trip that he has planned. I thought this was a rather odd request as they only cost about a $1 but then again, he doesn’t have a job, and I also believe that he just wanted to talk. He is still close to my son and knows my son’s girlfriend. He eventually steered the conversation to the topic of them. He talked about how he detested the gf and how crazy she was. When I realized that he and I viewed her the same, I asked him just what he thought her problem was and told him that I knew about the drug problem that she had when she was pregnant. I asked him if he felt her behavior was due to her past drug use or if he felt that she had mental issues. He told me both and asked me if I knew where she was on Friday when I was in Johnson City and my cousin was babysitting the baby. I was a little shocked that he knew so much detail about ME. I told him that my son had originally told me that she would need to go to been as soon as she got off of her graveyard shift but told me later that she spent most of the day running errands. He laughed and said that he guessed a 150 mile drive to get drugs could be considered an errand. He told me that one of his female friends had gone with her and that his female friend had wanted him to ride along. This boy has had a serious drug problem in the past but is now a “recreational” user. He said it was hard to be on drugs without a job or a car and that he spent 99.9% of his time at home with his mother. I can believe this because the last time I saw the boy, he was a total mess and couldn’t even hold a conversation. He sounded like himself yesterday…clear head and such. He did not ride along for the trip because my son’s girlfriend told his female friend that he had said that he couldn’t go and “quoted” the reasons that he had given. He said her quotes were all lies and that he would have liked to have ridden along just to get out of the house. He then said that he was glad that he didn’t go because all he needed was to get busted and that he didn’t know if he could have stood being in a car and listening to my son’s girlfriend’s endless talking for the duration of the trip.
He told me that my son’s gf was heavily addicted and that my son was well on his way to a serious problem. He said that my son had always been a dabbler with pills but that he got pretty bad when he got with this girl. He also told me that my son had NEVER been in treatment but the gf had given him 1/4 of her treatment med dose that she was prescribed later in her pregnancy and that had small dose had kept my son totally comfortable. He told me the good news was that my son had pretty much quit drinking. I asked if he felt it was only because he was replacing the alcohol with something else. He said probably so. I told him that I had the baby most of the time, but worried about her during the times they had her and that he hadn’t really told me anything that I hadn’t already strongly suspected. He also talked a bit about how detached the girl was from the baby and how she couldn’t stand to take care of her for more than a couple of hours. I told him that I had noticed the same thing. He also told me that there had been some talk about her getting the treatment meds again. He said that because she is a heavier user than my son, the treatment center will prescribe her a high enough dose that she was be able to share a small portion of it with my son like she did before. He said the treatment centers have a way of testing a person to see just how heavy of a user a person is and that my son will not test high enough to get a dose high enough for both of them. He said they had talked about being tired of being sick from withdrawal and that the drugs costs more than the treatment meds. So, she can afford the drugs, she can afford the treatment meds without our help. My son just started his job and hasn’t even received his first pay check yet so it has been her income that has been supporting their habit for the last 5 months. He went on to tell me that they are buying oxys, roxys, ativans, xanax, valium and methadone. Although, methadone is one of the treatment drugs, it is actually just as addictive as the drugs themselves and the methadone high lasts much longer so the abuse of it is just as popular among opiate users as the pills themselves. It can also really screw a person up from what I’ve read and been told. I also ask about the quantity of the drugs that she is purchasing. He answered that that’s where most of her paycheck is going. I asked this question because if I call DCS, I want to make sure that they have drugs in their possession or at least in their system so they will test positive.
I also talked to another grandmother who ended up having to take custody of her granddaughter due to her daughter’s drug use. She went through DCS and gave me the names and numbers of two contacts there that she found to be very helpful and willing to answer all of her questions before they acted. There’s a lot of “what ifs” involved. She told me that they baby would definitely be placed with a relative that she had spent a lot of time with if possible because they just do not have enough foster homes for these children. She also told me that the parents would have no say in where the child was placed and the child would be placed with my husband and me especially if we are the ones that report them and due to the fact that the child has spent most of her short life with us AND because we are local unlike the gf’s sister. I told her that I had fears that my son my test positive and that the gf might somehow test clean meaning that the baby would be left with her and she wasn’t capable of caring for her. I also told her my fears of them just naturally assuming that I had reported them, DCS not acting quickly enough for them to test positive…heard the drugs leave the system within 72 hours…and that they would then be so angry that I would NEVER see the baby again! She told me that the social workers would answer all of my questions and that they WILL act fast. She said they investigated and drug tested her daughter the same day that she reported her.
She also warned me that DCS will require them to complete several classes, possibly a treatment program, and they will be randomly drug tested. She said if they’re smart enough to meet all of these requirements, that my granddaughter will then be returned to their care. My fear with this: I really can’t see my son ever getting angry enough to cut me totally out of his and the baby’s life but the sociopath gf has total control of him. He WILL do as she wishes as long as he’s with her. The lady I spoke with told me that they would most likely break up during this time because the drugs are probably the greatest thing that is keeping them together. What if DCS returns her to the crazy sociopath mother? However, I’m also pretty sure that we can request that she have a psychiatric evaluation but the girl is slick in some ways and totally stupid in others. At any rate, we are really struggling with whether or not to report them to DCS first thing in the morning or to just continue to keep the baby all that we can and worry ourselves to death during the times that they have her.
My husband has suggested that we confront them and tell them exactly what we know and give them a choice of signing immediate temporary custody over to us through an attorney with greater restrictions that they will need to meet in order to get the baby back. We would allow them visitation but not allow them to take her anywhere. I am willing to do this but only after I have contacted DCS, informed them of our intentions and if they don’t agree to give us temp custody and clean up their lives and STAY clean for a proven length of time, have DCS ready to show up immediately!
Can anyone suggest if which of these approaches we should use or offer any other suggestions? I feel that we have to act quickly!
Tami, whatever the motive of your son’s friend for calling was, it certainly wasn’t “helpful” for your level of anxiety.
As I said with regard to myself, I would take legal action, somehow, if I were resolved to raise this child, myself. I would likely file for full and immediate custody in Court – the Court will then initiate a full and complete investigation without your having to call DCS. The reasons that I would do this would be: a) put the parents “on notice,” and b) begin the process of extracting that child from that environment, ASAP.
Of course, they’ve been using all of this time. The mother sounds as if she’s Borderline/spath (VERY dangerous), and your son is up to his neck, as well. Whatever “labels” might be attached to either of them isn’t an issue. What is important is the safety of the child. And, it is unfortunately illegal for anyone to storm the castle and make off with the baby under the best of intentions. It MUST be done legally.
Tami, I really feel for your situation – the love that you have for this innocent child is the poisoned barb on the hook that the spath mother and your son have snagged you with. But, we are talking about a human life, here, not some 4-wheeler that needs an oil change.
Sit, breathe, and try to put ALL of your “feelings” and emotions aside for a few minutes. Avoid trying to “predict” what is going to happen, and consider what the true options are, at this moment. You realize that DCS won’t send out a case-worker unless the child’s safety is in immediate danger. Neglect is difficult to prove except in extreme circumstances, but DRUGS in the house is an immediate danger to her safety.
That this friend knew too much about you, personally, is a Red Flag, and he’s apparently in very close contact with your son. It is possible and likely that HE is using, as well – just because he “sounded” lucid does not mean that he’s clean and sober. He is still hanging out with these people and it’s pretty much a given that addicts associating with other using addicts are using, as well. This “friend” who dosen’t work, either, is an addict, and a close addict friend of both of these people MAY have been set up to contact you out of the blue to facilitate MORE drama/trauma. There is simply no way of knowing, and attempting to predict or look into a crystal ball that doesn’t exist is going to further elevate your level of anxiety – believe me, I know this from painful personal experience.
You “feel” that you have to “act quickly” because that is a gut response. Right now, the best action that you can take is to sit back, begin breathing exercises to bring down your blood pressure and heart rate. Then, sit down with your husband and rationally discuss your options – are you willing to take and raise this child? Are you prepared to get involved in counseling in order to help you both to manage what has happened, is happening, and will surely follow if you take action? List the options on paper. Engage in rational discussion and possible solutions. Today is Sunday – the only thing that you could possibly accomplish today would be to work yourself into a state of frenzied anxiety. Unless there are drugs or weapons in the apartment, you won’t be able to “do something” until Monday. So, you have today to sort of lay some type of plan.
But, take a breath, and try to stay in this very moment. I send you my deepest and most heartfelt blessings at this very moment – as you read my response, know in your heart and mind that you have the ability to sort this out for the baby, and for yourselves. Brightest blessings….
Tami,
when you feel the need to act quickly, don’t.
The guy was setting you up, he’s a con artist.
He called with an excuse about weights and then segwayed into a different topic. He knows too much, he’s a drug user, he’s unemployed, he lives with his mom.
It’s a set up and your son sent him.
Until you can see and accept that your son is manipulating you and is as bad as his GF, then you will be stuck in this drama.
They want you to call DCS, and accuse them of using drugs, which they will somehow disprove, and then you’ll look like the crazy one. After that, they can get away with murder and you will not have any credibility with DCS or any law enforcement.
Two things you need to know about winning against a spath.
1. They are not playing the same game as you are.
2. Who ever cares the least, wins.
Make every effort to seem like you don’t care. Go to the extreme and absurd. In the long run, you will be able to gain what you want by not caring about it.