Many Lovefraud readers experience the phenomenon of “losing yourself” in the sociopathic relationship. Before meeting the sociopath, you may have been, for the most part, happy, confident, successful and financially stable. You had a network of people who cared about you. Yes, there was some kind of vulnerability—perhaps you were a bit lonely—and the sociopath used the vulnerability to infiltrate your life. But, for the most part, you were okay.
Then, either suddenly or slowly, your life disintegrated, and the problems you face are so immense, and so interconnected, and so overwhelming, that you don’t know where to begin unraveling them. You don’t have the energy to start. Rather than the happy and confident person you once were, you are anxious, depressed and fearful. You don’t know how you are going to survive.
And you don’t know how it all happened. Trying to figure it out, you describe the individual’s behavior to friends or a therapist, and someone mentions the word “sociopath.” Or you do a Google search—perhaps on “pathological lying”—and end up on Lovefraud.
You are in shock. The description fits, and you realize that the individual never cared about you, that you were targeted, and that you allowed yourself to be scammed, either financially or emotionally. You’ve lost money, or your home, or your job, or your support network—or all of it.
Blame game
As you realize the depths of the betrayal, the blame game starts. And whom do you blame? Yourself.
You are furious with yourself for not seeing it sooner. You didn’t listen to people who warned you, or to your own inner voice that was telling you something was amiss. Instead, you believed the silver-tongued liar, the crying and pleading actor, whose real intention was to drain from you everything he or she could.
Besides everything physical and financial that you lost, you are most upset because you no longer have your sense of self. You feel like you lost your soul.
Now what?
The sociopath is responsible
First of all, recognize that you are not responsible for the abuse you experienced.
The sociopath may have blamed you for his or her actions, saying, “You made him (her) do it.” Understand that statements like these were all part of the manipulation. The terrible words were spoken specifically to throw you off-balance and break you down, so that the sociopath could maintain control.
He or she is responsible for the hurtful words—and for all abusive actions.
Commit to recovery
Next, know that you can recover. The key to recovery is recognizing that the fraud and betrayal is NOT WHO YOU ARE. The devastation by the sociopath is something that happened to you. The betrayal was an incident, an experience. Do not allow it to define the rest of your life.
Make a decision, a commitment to yourself, that you are going to heal.
This means you need to allow yourself to experience the deep wells of pain, disappointment and grief that the experience caused. You have to get it out of your system, and the only way to do that is to allow yourself to process the pain, which means feeling it.
Finally, you need to let the experience go. How do you do this? You accept that it happened, and that there is nothing you can do to change the past. This does not mean you excuse what the sociopath did. But you do recognize that the betrayal was an INCIDENT IN YOUR LIFE, and NOT LET IT DEFINE THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.
It is true that you will never be the same after the experience with the sociopath, and you may have, in fact, lost yourself. But by facing the pain, processing it and letting it go, you can find a new “you,” one with a richer, deeper understanding of the human condition, and more capacity for love and compassion than you ever had before.
You can recover. You can grow. You can acquire wisdom. And you can move on and find happiness—perhaps sharing the wisdom you acquired to help prevent others from going through what you experienced.
Skylar, spot-on about the son and the setup. I tend to hold back my observations simply because I don’t want to hurt others’ feelings – STILL in that mode of cog/diss! LMAO!
Tami, what Skylar has posted is 100% spot-on. Your son is as much a part of this as the mother is. He’s been lying, manipulating, and engaging in this whole nasty mess from the beginning.
Sky suggested that you “Make every effort to seem like you don’t care.” That does not mean that you DON’T care – it just means that you give the IMPRESSION. Either by word, action, or act of omission, make it SEEM as if you’re uninterested and that the care of this baby is just a task of duty and NOT of “love.”
As I mentioned, the “love” that you have for this child is the poisoned barb that they’ve hooked you with.
Tell your son NOTHING about your personal life, your feelings about this child, or your feelings about the mother. Accept no text messages – do not communicate via texts, ANYMORE. When you speak to him about this child or any other topic, YOU ARE BORED and have other pressing things to do. “Listen, I’m just on my way out to the store. I’ll talk to you later.” And, hang up whether or not he says, “Okay, bye.” End it.
Personally, I would go as far as to tell him a huge lie and say that I’m disconnecting my cell phone because it’s too expensive – to call the landline (where I would have a recording answering machine on hand), and I would BLOCK both of their numbers, their friends’ numbers, and anyone else that may be directly/indirectly involved in their lives. That includes HER parent(s), as well.
This puts the control BACK into your hands. Frustrate them. At every opportunity, your “boredom” with the situation and apparent intrusion will be seen as a CHALLENGE that they must overcome in order for you to take that baby off of their hands. Do these things, and you may just see them signing off custody without a Court battle.
Thanks, Skylar! Excellent common sense, here – and painful truth, but truth, nonetheless.
Truth,
I’ve told Tami this before.
She loves her son so much that she just has a hard time seeing past his pity ploy.
Tami,
we all suffer from cog dis when we’re being manipulated. The key is to KNOW (caps used for emphasis) that our emotions are being manipulated DESPITE (caps used for emphasis) how real the emotions feel.
It’s just like when you go to the movies and cry during the sad parts. You KNOW (caps used for emphasis) that it’s not real, why are you crying? Because your emotions have been manipulated. In theatre, it’s nice and feels good. In real life, it’s mean and underhanded. Only difference is that you KNOW (caps used for emphasis) in one situation and not the other.
Tami, it’s critical that you understand how much this drama is affecting you. There’s no way that it wouldn’t. It’s costing you life points to feed the emotional vampires. A person’s chemistry changes in response to them. They age you and weaken you. They are vampires in every sense of the word. They steal your life a little bit at a time.
Skylar, yes….the cog/diss is so hard to manage. I know this from my own experiences with my son.
Tami, cognitive dissonance is a recognized psychological result of drama/trauma. We are faced with a series of actions that do not fit into our system of beliefs, so we attempt to wrap our beliefs around the actions of another person, regardless of whom it is.
An example of cog/diss is from my personal experiences. I would not be apt to forge checks from someone’s personal account to access their money. Therefore, when I discovered that the exspath had forged $76,420.03 from my personal account, I couldn’t wrap my head around it. Surely, things weren’t THAT bad in our marriage – he had never struck me, raped me, threatened me with a firearm, etc….so…..yeah…..
“Dissonance” is when we’re listening to a piece of music and, suddenly, the chord is off or an instrument is out of tune. It makes us uncomfortable, physically – some musical compositions are MEANT to create physical discomfort through sounds. “Cognitive” dissonance is when a person’s actions are not in synch with our system of beliefs, and we try to rationalize why anyone we would love and care about might not be as bad as they truly are.
I hope this helps you, in some way.
BRIGHTEST blessings to you.
Oh, and MY use of CAPS is also meant as EMPHASIS and NOT, by ANY stretch of the imagination, to be interpreted as online (virtual) yelling, screaming, or aggression.
AND OTHER TIMES, YA JUST GOTTA YELL (no apologies necesary)
ANA!!! ROTFLMAOTMNR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Uh….to clarify: rotflmaotmnr = rolling on the floor, laughing my arse off ’til my nose runs
Tami,
When you started to write about that friend of his, I thought of only one thing “minion! minion!” It’s TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE. And the sole thing that makes you believe his intentions for calling you are good is your empathy and pity for him.
They’ve noticed you’re distancing yourself a bit over their crappy tales, and they know you won’t reveal your true thoughts to your son anymore. So, now she or he or together sent someone to probe your mind and put an idea of information on them in your head. If he knows the gf and knows your son is with her, then why the hell does he call for dumbells? He knows very well you don’t have them. So, either they had hmi contact you to get someone in ‘on your side’ who’ll you confide in. Or maybe he has his own score to settle with them. But that makes him still a very unreliable source. His recreational use is total bull. He’s a part of their drug culture. And one day he’s mad and envious over them managing to con the drug help centers and holding out on him, and the next day it’s all good again because they gave him some. Drug affiliates hate one another one day for one driving a knife into the other’s back and are the best of buddies the next day for supplying them with drugs again. I’ve seen that first hand with the drug dealing and using spath I was with.
And if he hangs out with them then he’s using more than just recreationally, because he used to be an addict. I’ve never been addicted to dope or coke, but was a very low key recreational user before I met the spath, and never touched anything else. The 5 grams of dope I had in my house could turn brown by next year in the closet. That’s how little I ever used it, but I was not against the occasional use. While I avoided the spath’s drug scene as much as I could and he sure never took me along on an errand, knowing I’d refuse; he still brought a lot of stuff back home. And though I often managed to refuse smoking a lot of pot with him, I’d still end up puffing at least once per joint he lit in my company (most of the day and night he was not in my company…lol). And in Nicaragua I’d end up sniffing coke once or twice a week or so (or he’d lace a joint with it and only tell me afterwards), even though I absolutely abhor the drug. As long as I was with him physically I’d end up using far more than I actually wanted, even though it can still be considered recreational. Had I ever been an addict to either those drugs, I’d have been a lost cause. So, it’s impossible imo for a former addict to hang around with other addicts and be only a recreational user. The drugs are always there, ever present and constantly shoved into your face. It takes a dislike and non-addiction to them to be able to say no that many times.
At this moment I would NOT act, exactly because you’ve been manipulated by people with their own hidden agenda to act fast.
Do not confront them either. It just gives them info about you, and is the ideal situation to create drama and feed on your shocked and hurt emotions. All you will get from it is dramarama and lies.
Seek a lawyer and ask for legal advice how to get custody irregardless of a drug bust at their present convenience.
But I would not rely on his ‘best friend’s” opinion to see whether he’s in your camp or theirs. He’s in his own drug user camp.
LOL @....... ANA
WHAT DID YOU SAY?
rotflmaouipmp
Tami, this “friend” is a Trojan Horse…..he comes in the guise of friendship and concern, and he is part of the Enemy Forces to be released by both the spath mother and your son.
Confrontation is what they are PRESSING for (empahsis, not shouting). That way, when the proverbial shit hits the legal fan, they can claim that you’re trying to “take’ the baby from them out of anger and a host of other garbage. Courts do not like removing children from parents, even bad ones. Courts wish for people who produce offspring to connect with their offspring and do the “right thing.” Having said this, Courts also avoid allowing personal “feelings” to become a factor in their decisions – this goes for “good” Judges, as well as “bad” ones.
Breathe. Have a cup of tea or some juice. Go out to breakfast with your husband and put your “feelings” aside. Right now, it’s time to discuss “facts.” And, as my very wise counselor taught me, “Feelings are NOT facts.” Try to keep this in mind.
And, Darwinsmom is absolutely right: anytime we feel that we are pressured or forced into immediate action is a HUGE, screaming, flapping, waving Red Flag that is ON FIRE. You have the tools to put that fire out.
HUGS
Well, my husband and I had made a decision but after reading your responses now I’m uncertain. We had decided to call the DCS contact TODAY. Yes, we can call them today. Here, if a parent tests positive for even so much as pot, the child is removed from the home immediately…drugs do not have to be present in the home. The lady that gave us the names of the social workers she worked with said they would discuss options with us. We planned to call one of the social workers and tell them of our intention to confront my son and the gf, tell them we know they are not clean and give them the opportunity to sign temp custody over to us through the court (with more strict conditions than DCS meaning they REALLY have to prove themselves for longer than 3-4 months) and give them visitation rights but they would not be allowed to take the child anywhere. If they don’t agree, call DCS and have them drug tested immediately if DCS is willing to work with us in this manner.
As far as the friend. The possibility of him being asked to set us up DID cross my mind BUT I really don’t think so. He’s ALWAYS squealed on my son and it’s always been the truth…especially if someone tries to block him from having my son as a friend because he has NO friends…he is just not accepted by others and never has been even as a small child. He’s so intelligent that the boy strikes people as being odd. He has spent most of his life alone reading and learning so when he attempts to interact with people, the boy basically doesn’t know how to make conversation unless it is to talk about recent knowledge that he has acquired about some scientific or technical thing that is of no interest to other people. They see him as a total nerd, boring and annoying. Even my son has to pick and choose the times that he talks with him or spends a little time with him. My son has always felt sorry for him. And, actually my son is somewhat like him when it comes to intelligence. It was the two of them that were always at the top of their class throughout all their years in school. To be completely honest, the boy is also unattractive. My son is a good looking guy and has a sense of humor…this guy has neither…so my son was a bit more successful socially. The friend honestly has always had a tendency to feel threatened by my son’s other friends and especially girlfriends. My son tried to integrate him into his mix of other friends and learned years ago that it always turned out to be a traumatic experience for the friend. He didn’t fit in, was even mocked, ended up very hurt and feared my son abandoning him. He would always come to me and ask if I thought my son was going to stop being his friend. I even once feared that he might have an obsession with my son or even an attraction but finally realized that he is just terribly insecure. I honestly believe the primary reason behind his call is because the gf REALLY treats him as an outcast and has expressed her feelings about him to me herself. I think he was angry with her for lying to the ONLY female friend that he has. I can see how he and the gf would clash. He’s a mess but very intelligent at the same time. She, on the other hand, believes that she is superior and more intelligent than anyone else on the planet. I’m quite certain that she feels that he challenges her intelligence although he’s never used his intelligence in a forceful manner but more in an educational way. The boy is actually a very nice guy who has problems making friends. He lives with his mother because she has been sick for years and needs him there with her. She remarried a terribly abusive man a couple of years ago and he threw the boy out of the house when he tried to defend his mother. The boy has never told me this…his mother told me this! She finally managed to divorce the man and she asked the son moved back home to help care for her. During his time away, he moved to another town where he knew no one, got a job and that’s when he got involved with the drugs because he found acceptance from a couple of co-workers who were involved in drugs. The timing was right for him because his drug problem was getting out of control and he knew he had to clean up in order to care for his mom. The mother told me this and yes, I saw him when he was getting clean and he was a mess. He even told me that his problem was much worse than that of my son’s or the gf’s at one time and that my son even helped him through that time. I remember when all of this happened. My son was checking on him on a daily basis, helping the mother with things that he was unable to do for her at the time, and finally got him up out of bed to play video games like they did when they were kids. His mother told me several times that she really appreciated my son being there for them BUT my son was clean at the time. The friend told me that he now found it ironic that he now had to pee for my son to pass drug tests for employment. And, my husband and I have suspected drug use again for some while. The friend’s statements didn’t really come as a surprise but was more of a validation. And, I’ve have pretty much learned to recognize when my son is under the influence of opiates. The day the friend told me that the girl had made the drug run, my son was in a very upbeat mood, very talkative and almost to the point of giddiness when he came to collect the baby later that same evening. He’s normally “blah”, has very little to say and acts as though it takes every ounce of energy that he has just to MOVE. He even offered to cut our grass. He does this when he’s got a pill in him. They give him energy and he’s antsy and wants to put the energy into anything he can find. My husband and I had also noticed that neither my son or the gf will look either of us in the eye. People under the influence of opiates have pinpoint pupils that are easily detected. I used the excuse one day when the girlfriend was holding the baby of asking her to show me her eyes and declared that the babies were identically to hers! This was several weeks ago and her pupils were barely visible. My son has dark brown eyes making the pinpoint pupils a bit more difficult to detect.
And, the friend also sees ME as his friend, too, and has discussed his own drug problem with me as well as other personal issues even when he hasn’t been in contact with my son for months at a time. My son avoids his calls a lot…like I said he has to pick and choose the times that he can deal with the friend himself and none of my son’s girlfriends have ever wanted this friend around.
I was also a little confused by why my son kept texting me while I was gone for my appointment which would have been the SAME time the gf was making the drug run. I traveled about an equal distance that she did but in the opposite direction. The girl is paranoid and may have feared that I was following her. Maybe that’s what all of his texts were about!
And filing a petition through the court is NOT an option at all! They will be notified of the court date and make damn sure that they can pass a drug test when it arrives. That gives them too much time to clean up and possibly get her sister involved to request custody of the baby. Addicts have to be caught off guard. There’s too many products available that can be taken to alter a positive drug test. They are costly but not as costly as the drugs so it’s an affordable option and one they both certainly know about.
And, my husband and I are fully aware of the impact that the baby will have on our lives but we have her anyway! What we really want to happen is for them to receive a wake up call (don’t know if the spath gf will ever get it as she thinks that she is above the law) but I think my son just might. I can tell that my son truly cares about his daughter and honestly believe that is the reason that she is with us most of the time. She responds to him totally different than she does the mother and he actually asks me for advice about any concerns that he might have about her health or care. The mother is the first to say that she knows NOTHING about babies and declares that she wants and needs my advice and experience but anytime I give it even when reminding her that she has asked me to do this, she challenges me by coming back with some of the most bizarre disputes imaginable. I try to do it as gently as possible and have always told her that I faced the same challenges as a new mother. My son uses the excuse that she never thinks before she speaks for her crazy off the wall comments made in an attempt to prove her intelligence. Ideally, we would like to see them to be able to function as responsible drug-free parents and be a family. But, I honestly can’t see the mother caring enough to get straight but I may be wrong. Her drug problem dates back YEARS. My husband and I have hopes that my son will be willing to clean his act up for his child. If not, my husband and I will go for permanent custody of the baby and appoint my stepson, my son’s half brother, as legal guardian if we should die before she’s grown. He’s already raising two kids that aren’t his bio children and is a wonderful father, responsible, owns his own home, and has worked his way up from a factory position to an engineer where he has been employed for the last 20 years. Went to work there straight out of high school and has been there ever since. He lives two houses down from us and adores the baby…his little niece.
The Saturday weekend getaway? We were told at the last minute that we could take the baby despite the fact that we told them that we felt the truck wasn’t safe! So, yes, that strategy worked. My son picked her up but was much later than the deadline I had given him. After he took her, my husband freaked, said there was no way that he could enjoy himself because he’d be so worried about the baby and asked me to call my son and tell him that we were going to borrow his parents car and take her along. My son had her back in a flash. We ended up not going anywhere but have plans to get away for awhile today and take her with us to eat, shop, and stroll her around a small nearby tourist town with us.
We honestly don’t feel that acting as though we don’t care of not making ourselves available is in the best interest of the baby. There’s a lot of tension going on in their household right now…screaming, cursing, from both my son and the gf and fighting over who has to get up to take care of the baby. Baby bottles have been thrown at each other and everything else. Just the other night, my husband and I were talking. I wasn’t angry but tend to get speak a little louder if I’m excited. I had my back to the baby and my husband was facing her. He told me to lower my voice because she thought we were fighting. Her little lip was quivering and she suddenly burst into tears! The same thing happened when my cousin was talking in an excited manner. The baby actually had fear in her eyes and pushed away when my cousin tried to pick her up to reassure her. I told my cousin to pick her up and comfort her anyway and she soon calmed down. The baby adores my cousin yet she feared her in an instant. We feel that she is having these reactions because my son and the gf are screaming at each other and scaring her. She never paid loud talking any mind until recently. Everything is calm and laid back at our house. She gets shot into total chaos anytime she is with them which isn’t very often. She isn’t used to all the screaming, yelling and fighting and shouldn’t be in the middle of it anyway.
Oh geez, others were responding while I just finished my next “book” to y’all. Ana, THAT RIGHT THERE WAS FUNNY! Thanks for giving me and others a good laugh. I use caps for emphasis, too, so no worries about that. Oh, Lord. I think we’ll just carry out our plans to get out of the house today, TRY to enjoy ourselves and clear our heads.