Many Lovefraud readers experience the phenomenon of “losing yourself” in the sociopathic relationship. Before meeting the sociopath, you may have been, for the most part, happy, confident, successful and financially stable. You had a network of people who cared about you. Yes, there was some kind of vulnerability—perhaps you were a bit lonely—and the sociopath used the vulnerability to infiltrate your life. But, for the most part, you were okay.
Then, either suddenly or slowly, your life disintegrated, and the problems you face are so immense, and so interconnected, and so overwhelming, that you don’t know where to begin unraveling them. You don’t have the energy to start. Rather than the happy and confident person you once were, you are anxious, depressed and fearful. You don’t know how you are going to survive.
And you don’t know how it all happened. Trying to figure it out, you describe the individual’s behavior to friends or a therapist, and someone mentions the word “sociopath.” Or you do a Google search—perhaps on “pathological lying”—and end up on Lovefraud.
You are in shock. The description fits, and you realize that the individual never cared about you, that you were targeted, and that you allowed yourself to be scammed, either financially or emotionally. You’ve lost money, or your home, or your job, or your support network—or all of it.
Blame game
As you realize the depths of the betrayal, the blame game starts. And whom do you blame? Yourself.
You are furious with yourself for not seeing it sooner. You didn’t listen to people who warned you, or to your own inner voice that was telling you something was amiss. Instead, you believed the silver-tongued liar, the crying and pleading actor, whose real intention was to drain from you everything he or she could.
Besides everything physical and financial that you lost, you are most upset because you no longer have your sense of self. You feel like you lost your soul.
Now what?
The sociopath is responsible
First of all, recognize that you are not responsible for the abuse you experienced.
The sociopath may have blamed you for his or her actions, saying, “You made him (her) do it.” Understand that statements like these were all part of the manipulation. The terrible words were spoken specifically to throw you off-balance and break you down, so that the sociopath could maintain control.
He or she is responsible for the hurtful words—and for all abusive actions.
Commit to recovery
Next, know that you can recover. The key to recovery is recognizing that the fraud and betrayal is NOT WHO YOU ARE. The devastation by the sociopath is something that happened to you. The betrayal was an incident, an experience. Do not allow it to define the rest of your life.
Make a decision, a commitment to yourself, that you are going to heal.
This means you need to allow yourself to experience the deep wells of pain, disappointment and grief that the experience caused. You have to get it out of your system, and the only way to do that is to allow yourself to process the pain, which means feeling it.
Finally, you need to let the experience go. How do you do this? You accept that it happened, and that there is nothing you can do to change the past. This does not mean you excuse what the sociopath did. But you do recognize that the betrayal was an INCIDENT IN YOUR LIFE, and NOT LET IT DEFINE THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.
It is true that you will never be the same after the experience with the sociopath, and you may have, in fact, lost yourself. But by facing the pain, processing it and letting it go, you can find a new “you,” one with a richer, deeper understanding of the human condition, and more capacity for love and compassion than you ever had before.
You can recover. You can grow. You can acquire wisdom. And you can move on and find happiness—perhaps sharing the wisdom you acquired to help prevent others from going through what you experienced.
Oh, and it wasn’t DUMBBELLS that he asked for! LOL! It was special weights that are using on fishing line when a person chooses to fish where there are a lot of rocks under the water. Catfish hang out in these areas and if you don’t use a certain kind of weights for the fishing line, it will constantly get tangled up the in the rocks. And, I ALSO HAVE DUMBBELLS! LOL! I may be confused as heck right now but you all are helping uplift my spirits!
Tami, the idea is to give the impression that you are caring for the baby out of a sense of duty, only. It’s not that you don’t “care” or that you’re giving the impression that you “don’t care,” but that you have better things to do than to play ring-around-the-rosy, if that makes any sense.
This friend of your son’s may, or may not, be a Trojan Horse, but it’s very, very telling that he’s calling out of the blue for fishing tackle and the topic of the drug run comes up seamlessly in the conversation. I’m simply suggesting that every bit of caution be used, right now. EVERY bit.
My best and brightest blessings
Tami, the duty facade is only meant to be displayed TOWARDS your son and the spath gf; NOT to the baby. Please, be as affectionate and as loving to your grandchild as you can.
You may have your reasons to want to trust this friend, and I’m not saying he’s lying… He may be very sincere even, but chances are high that your son and the gf already know about hiw talk with you. Did you not mention yourself how surprised you were how much he knew in detail how your Friday was? This is a direct indication that you are talked about in detail.
None of us aren’t saying not to get official instances involved. All we are trying to help you see is to allow yourself and your husband some time between any info you get and your chosen action.
We all know the dramarama routine. One minute this happens, the other minute that. You plan such, but an hour later there’s some emergency. Etc, etc…. And you roll into that adrenaline pumped life without questioning it at all, leading a life of chain reactions, and you feel you’re running behind the facts like a headless chicken. Instead you and your husband must allow yourself the time to digest the info, probe how you feel about it, and do not allow anyone you to pressure into reactions. It is only when you allow yourself time that you can make right decisions for the two of you. More, it’s only when you allow yourself this time before acting that the action often will come as a surprise to others.
Our gut feelings are the most important guidance we can ever have, but we need time and space to allow ourselves to feel it. For example with regards the phone conversation you had about the friend… How did you feel during it. Try to remember and feel and sense what your gut was feeling. You mentioned for example feeling kinda weird about it, and that for a split second it crossed your mind that there may have been a trojan horse motive. Instead of instantly dismissing this out-of-the-blue thought and silencing your weirded out feelings with the past and how that is paranoid, etc… give yourself the time to explore that feeling. At what particular moment of the conversation did it cross your mind? What was being said? How was it said? The majority of our cues and communication comes from everything but the content. It are exactly these non-verbal forms of communications that give us a gut feeling about something. Let it all sink in gradually, like a spong under a dripping faucet, and everything in that conversation will become more clear to you. That’s how you’ll know he’s sincere or had darker motives.
When things must be rushed and happen “now! now! now!” and “quick! quick! quick!” that’s when you pull the plug and say “Stop! Time out!” Even if it’s you yourself saying “now! now! now!”.
So, I think you made the right decision to sleep a night over it. It will give you a clearer head, and if you act as you planned today, you will be able to act less emotionally too. The less emotional you are when you do act, certainly in custody situations, the better results it will have.
Hugs!!!
I’m going to KILL this idiot!
Okay, my husband and I decided not to take any immediate action of calling DCS although we know that we will spend every second the baby is with my son and the gf worrying.
My son picked the baby up around 8:30 tonight. He text me about 30 minutes later and asked me what time she last ate. I told him that she was due for baby food followed by 6 ounces of formula and if she was fussy, she was hungry. I slowly started introducing the baby to oatmeal and 1st stage fruits and veggies when she was about 4 and 1/2 mos. when my son told me her pediatrician said that it was time. I started out mixing her food and formula together. A little over a week ago, I got a baby food feeder to use only for a couple of weeks until she could sit unassisted better. I had been working with her to keep her in upright positions rather than her laying in a swing or sitting in a reclining car seat all the time. Bought her a doorway jumper, boopy pillow, playmates and a play saucer and just a couple of days ago, a high chair because I wanted her to be able to sit fully upright before I started spoon feeding her. All of these things help strengthen the baby’s back but allows them to rest it when they need to. She loves the baby food. I’m NOT stupid, I’ve raised a child but realize that a lot of pediatricians keep changing how this or that should be done so I researched anything I was about to do BEFORE I did it. I think I’ve already mentioned that every flippin’ time the baby spends a night or even a few hours with THEM, she comes back constipated. She swallows the food just fine, and I follow the food by giving her 6 ounces of formula. I feed her the baby food followed by the formula 3 times a day and consider it as her breakfast, lunch and dinner. She is hungry again maybe 4 hours after each meal and then I give her a formula only bottle of 6 ounces. Basically, it works out that every other feeding is formula and she wakes once in the middle of the night and gets a formula only bottle then. She has gained 7 pounds since she started eating the baby food. She will be 6 months old in 2 days and now weighs 19 pounds. I spoon fed her one of her meals today and she did great! Took right to it so I planned to continue spoon feeding her and toss the feeder. She sits up just fine in her high chair.
At 9:15 tonight, my son text to say that the gf MIGHT get called into work and that he might have to bring the baby back to me because he as to work in the morning. I asked what time someone would be picking her up tomorrow because I might have to run an errand and would make sure that I was here. The answer: either in the morning or the afternoon. I told him that I’d prefer that she be picked up in the afternoon. She is on a pretty predictable morning schedule. The gf gets off at 7:00 AM and the baby isn’t even usually awake by then…wakes up around 8:30…gets her breakfast, has a bowel movement, we have a little playtime and she takes a short nap around noon. Also, the gf will be working all night tonight, my son will be gone tomorrow and the gf is going to want to sleep. He said he’d tell her to pick her up when she got up tomorrow afternoon.
The baby was asleep when he brought her back wearing a frilly dress(?) and soaked diaper. She woke up when I undressed and changed her and started screaming her head off as soon as I laid her in her crib. I’d pat her and she’d calm down and then start screaming again. I finally decided that maybe she was still hungry because the gf seems to think it’s fine to just give her the formula when they have her and no food. She took a little food and started screaming again. I held her, she’d quieten and then scream again. I’ve never seen her act like that. After about 30 minutes of trying to calm her, I called the gf at work to ask what she had eaten because I was trying to determine if she might have a tummy ache. She asked me to please not call her at work to asked her about things like food although she has told me to feel free to call her anytime and I’ve NEVER called her at work before! I said, “look, it isn’t just about food. She seems to be extremely uncomfortable and I’m trying to determine what is wrong with her”. She asked me if I had tried to call my son and was he not answering the phone. Then, she went into this rant about how she didn’t want me to feed her anymore food until she saw the pediatrician again and then said that it was SHE who fed her and that she only gave her a formula bottle. She then asked if I was calling just to check up on her to make sure that she was at work! I was speechless! I finally said no, and that I was concerned about the baby. She then started yaking off about how she felt that she was constipated but said that she had a normal bowl movement tonight! She said she was probably missing her! Hell, the baby doesn’t even spend enough time with the idiot for her to even know her! She then told me that her own stomach had been upset and that if she started running a temp to call her back and told me that she would be picking her up in the morning because that would work BEST for her!
I then tried to call my son, he won’t answer the phone nor my text asking him to give me a call about the baby. I also learned tonight from my cousin that my son text her boyfriend of Friday night…the evening after the morning drug run…and made some smart remark about how he’d better not hurt his cousin or he’d have to whip his ass. The boyfriend assumed that my son was kidding because my son has never whipped anyone’s ass and just let it go and didn’t even text my son back. On Saturday afternoon, my son sent him a text apologizing and said that he didn’t even remember sending him the text because he had “blacked out” the night before!
Y’all, we HAVE to do something! These two are totally out of control. My son is a drunk and using drugs and the gf is on drugs, and a sociopath who is not only dictating my life but that I feel will do ANYTHING to make my life pure hell even if it’s not in the baby’s best interest! I have reached my breaking point.
Well, tami, you are up to your eye-balls in dramarama. No one else can fix this situation for you. You have to make your own decisions, based on your own judgements, and suffer any consequences that come along with those decisions. It would be nice if thing were different….they aren’t.
It’s time to stop being all things to all persons, and decide what is really important here.
If YOU want to be the cheif care-taker of this baby and really believe that her well-being is at stake, then pull out ALL the stops….if you want them to take more responsibility and care for their own child, then quit enabiling, but out, go to an alanon meeting and focus on your own life. I know I sound heartless, but, the decision is yours to make.
Tami,
You need to learn how to deal with spaths. If you don’t you can’t deal with your son. I suggest a therapist who is trained in this. We are not qualified.
We can’t tell you what to do with a spathy son. YES your son is THE problem.
Tami, I think Kim surmised it greatly.
We have tried to give you some advice how to deal with spaths, but it’s clear you are not yet ready for that. It takes years to be able to do it and a total disconnected understanding and acceptance of a spaths’ mind, but it won’t ever stop getting to you. Nothing a spath ever says is sincere, not ever, and always narcistic and out to make you defend yourself, and out to disagree with your preferences. It’s plain impossible to have a honest, concerned conversation with them and have a cooperative relationship.
And as long as you are drowning in the dramarama you cannot see the forest from the trees anymore and get put on the merry-go-round over and over. The only way you can ever get out of the quagmire is by having her out of your life.
So you need to make some decisions for yourself and the baby and stick with it, and plan it well. I would also advize you to record ANY conversation you have with her, because it’s evidence of her narcistic thinking, and just making it impossible for you to properly care for the baby.
Tami, I realize that the responses to your situation may read as being harsh or a bunch of scolding. It can easily be interpreted that way, but what you are posting is clear, blatant, and cruel manipulations.
I mentioned, before, that text messaging was a bad idea. Telling people your preferences is a bad idea. Giving these people ANY indication of how you “FEEL” (caps are used for emphasis, ONLY – not to be interpreted as virtual screaming) is giving them fuel.
Once again, I would strongly urge you to sit back, take a deep breath, and make every attempt to remove the “feelings” from this situation. I’m not suggesting that you stop caring or being concerned for this innocent child. But, your “feelings” are clearly on a rampage as anyone’s WOULD be, and this is how these people are able to cleanly and effectively manipulate you to the point where you don’t know whether you’re going to wake up and have breakfast, or run out the door into the street, screaming. Tami, I have been exactly where you are with regard to my own sons. Emotions are at high velocity and once that vortex begins to spin, it’s “Katie Bar The Door,” and all sense and rational judgement goes straight down the proverbial tubes.
We’re throwing you out some life-rings, here, Tami. Each one of the people responding are doing their level best to assist you in any way that they can. Grab on to ONE of them before you are compelled to “DO SOMETHING, NOW” and make a terrible, terrible decision that will not benefit the baby, or yourselves.
Darwinsmom is spot-on: record/log all conversations using direct quotes, dates, and times. KEEP THIS LOG diligently. Do not add your feelings or emotional observations – facts, only. Then, sit down, control your breathing, and engage in a rational discussion with your husband about the options for a course of action.
Once, again, I urge you to stop communicating via text messaging. Period. This is an unfortunate tool of manipulation that is pretty new – there is no vocal inflection, no verbal clues or cues, and very, very impersonal. NO MORE text messages (caps are meant as emphasis, ONLY). Just stop responding. Turn your cell phone OFF if you have a landline. If you don’t have a landline, GET ONE.
If you are in a frenzied state of emotion, you know (academically) that the baby will be responding to any and all tension. Your state of extreme emotion is creating a vortex of anxiety. You have choices, here – you can continue allowing these people to dictate your every waking thought, or you can take this bull by the horns and begin the process of wrestling it down. But, you DO have choices, and those choices are up to you, alone.
My brightest blessings to you
I want to add that I understand the immediate, knee-jerk reaction to the suggestions that have been offered: “But, what about the BABY?”
The spath mother, your son, the “concerned friend,” and the whole drama/trauma that surrounds this baby can be managed. It all can be managed, but not without rational, calm, and decisive resolve.
Tami, I can’t find the proper words to type, here, that may be of help to you during this outrageous mess, but there it is: it’s outrageous, and you should be FURIOUS rather than WORRIED. Furious that the spath mother even reproduced, furious that your son is an accomplice, and furious that both of these “parents” are using a human life as a tool of manipulation.
Being angry can be much, much more productive than being “worried.” Worry gets you nothing in return. Anger can be channeled into positive steps and decisions. Worry causes us to make snap decisions and RE-act, rather than ACT.
Sorry for the added comments, but I feel that you are putting yourself in an emotional frenzy.
Again, brightest blessings
Everyone, I realize I was doing a LOT of venting last night because Truthspeak, I was BEYOND outraged. And, as far as my learning to deal with sociopaths or learning about sociopaths, that is the problem here. I know ALL about sociopaths and I don’t ever want to deal with another single one again! And, I certainly don’t want my granddaughter raised by one. My own mother is a sociopath and my last husband was a sociopath. She controlled me by fear and still tries to this very day. I have been totally NC with her for the last couple of months and have had very limited contact with her for years. My ex-husband was a love bomber and that was HIS weapon of destruction. And, I’m not so sure that my son’s father wasn’t one. He was certainly an abusive alcoholic in addition to having several other issues. He committed suicide and it wasn’t until several years later that a therapist educated me about sociopaths. My son? Not so sure. I know that he has substance problems and is spineless. I’ve seen him deeply hurt and actually, he has too much empathy for people who don’t deserve it. He’s always dragged in “strays” that he thinks he can help or that he feels sorry for. But, it leads him to being co-dependent and ending up with MORE problems. He ends up allowing them to control him and he’s really in over his head now because he finally fooled around and got involved with a sociopath. My stepfather was a wonderful, kind and caring man when he first entered my mother’s life years ago. He had been single for over 20 years and had strong but not overbearing opinions of his own. He was a true blessing when he entered my life after my father passed a few years before. Over the years, I have watched my stepfather be reduced to a robot by my sociopath mother! He now goes along with anything she says and does to people no matter how wrong it is. She insults him in public by telling him how stupid he is or talks about him as though he isn’t present. He sits silently in her presence and doesn’t speak. My son’s gf is exactly like my mother and I’m watching her reduce my son who already had issues with alcohol in the same manner that my mother reduced my stepfather. My son sits silently with his head down and doesn’t speak in her presence. However, when my son or stepfather is not in the presence of these sociopath women, they are lighthearted and talkative.
My KNOWLEDGE of sociopaths is the problem here! I KNOW that I CAN’T beat these people because I know they will go to ANY means to win. It is extremely painful and frustrating to have to witness a 6 month old baby as the victim of a sociopath. I know this baby is NOTHING to her except an additional tool to serve her own means to manipulate and control other people to get what she wants. And, yes, because my husband and I are pretty raising this child by having her 90%+ of the time, we have grown to love her deeply and can’t bear the thought of her being subjected to this.
And as far as the enabling? If y’all think for a minute that my son or this sociopath gf are going to let caring for the baby stop them for abusing their substances, y’all are dead wrong! These two are 32 years old…they are not children…and the substance abuse issues have been around a very long time and their addictions control them. They are NOT going to suddenly become responsible parents! So, if we refuse to keep the baby and she is harmed or worse, how do we live with that when we have witnessed both of them under the influence when they have had the baby in their care!