Many Lovefraud readers experience the phenomenon of “losing yourself” in the sociopathic relationship. Before meeting the sociopath, you may have been, for the most part, happy, confident, successful and financially stable. You had a network of people who cared about you. Yes, there was some kind of vulnerability—perhaps you were a bit lonely—and the sociopath used the vulnerability to infiltrate your life. But, for the most part, you were okay.
Then, either suddenly or slowly, your life disintegrated, and the problems you face are so immense, and so interconnected, and so overwhelming, that you don’t know where to begin unraveling them. You don’t have the energy to start. Rather than the happy and confident person you once were, you are anxious, depressed and fearful. You don’t know how you are going to survive.
And you don’t know how it all happened. Trying to figure it out, you describe the individual’s behavior to friends or a therapist, and someone mentions the word “sociopath.” Or you do a Google search—perhaps on “pathological lying”—and end up on Lovefraud.
You are in shock. The description fits, and you realize that the individual never cared about you, that you were targeted, and that you allowed yourself to be scammed, either financially or emotionally. You’ve lost money, or your home, or your job, or your support network—or all of it.
Blame game
As you realize the depths of the betrayal, the blame game starts. And whom do you blame? Yourself.
You are furious with yourself for not seeing it sooner. You didn’t listen to people who warned you, or to your own inner voice that was telling you something was amiss. Instead, you believed the silver-tongued liar, the crying and pleading actor, whose real intention was to drain from you everything he or she could.
Besides everything physical and financial that you lost, you are most upset because you no longer have your sense of self. You feel like you lost your soul.
Now what?
The sociopath is responsible
First of all, recognize that you are not responsible for the abuse you experienced.
The sociopath may have blamed you for his or her actions, saying, “You made him (her) do it.” Understand that statements like these were all part of the manipulation. The terrible words were spoken specifically to throw you off-balance and break you down, so that the sociopath could maintain control.
He or she is responsible for the hurtful words—and for all abusive actions.
Commit to recovery
Next, know that you can recover. The key to recovery is recognizing that the fraud and betrayal is NOT WHO YOU ARE. The devastation by the sociopath is something that happened to you. The betrayal was an incident, an experience. Do not allow it to define the rest of your life.
Make a decision, a commitment to yourself, that you are going to heal.
This means you need to allow yourself to experience the deep wells of pain, disappointment and grief that the experience caused. You have to get it out of your system, and the only way to do that is to allow yourself to process the pain, which means feeling it.
Finally, you need to let the experience go. How do you do this? You accept that it happened, and that there is nothing you can do to change the past. This does not mean you excuse what the sociopath did. But you do recognize that the betrayal was an INCIDENT IN YOUR LIFE, and NOT LET IT DEFINE THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.
It is true that you will never be the same after the experience with the sociopath, and you may have, in fact, lost yourself. But by facing the pain, processing it and letting it go, you can find a new “you,” one with a richer, deeper understanding of the human condition, and more capacity for love and compassion than you ever had before.
You can recover. You can grow. You can acquire wisdom. And you can move on and find happiness—perhaps sharing the wisdom you acquired to help prevent others from going through what you experienced.
Tami, you said, “She can insult me all she wants and I’ll just smile”might even thank her for calling my shortfalls to my attention. And, when she drops those lines about giving the baby to her sister? I’ll tell her unselfish she is for wanting to give her baron sister such a wonderful gift as a child! That’s more admirable than donating an organ! However, if she shows up here to pick the baby up and is so pilled up that she’s out of her head. I can’t let her take her”what’s she gonna do”call the police? That wouldn’t be too smart on her part. So, I can have some control over that. You know, I KNOW all these things and the way sociopaths are but yes, I’ve been allowing my emotions to control me more than my brain because this precious little bundle is looking at me with her big blue innocent eyes day in and day out. It’s clicked for me 3 times prior and I removed those S’s from my life and eventually from my thoughts. It FINALLY clicked for me with the gf. ”
NOW it sounds as if the shoe dropped! TOWANDA! Exactly. those are the perfect responses to a spath. Just play along and play stupid.
I totally understood why you felt lost in the emotional fog she was creating for you… there is indeed a very innocent living human being dependent of the situation – not just emotionally, but physically – and you care for that child.
You sound much stronger, more resolved and more centered now! So good for you and good for the baby!
Tami,
Just in case you ever need to have proof of all of the nonsense you’re going through, keep a log of the incidents.
Note if you’ve been insulted or that you have concerns about her or her behavior/ sobriety.
You don’t have to tell or show her. One day, it may turn out that somebody in the legal system will be able to use that daily journal to help you resolve the problem once and for all.
In situations like this, detailed, in writing information may wind up to count for a lot……
If you do call the police, write it down!
Tami, just out of curiosity, why is it that your son himself can’t look into his own parental rights? Why is it you that has to do all the legwork here?
Oh goodness, I didn’t TELL my son that I talked to the DCS worker! I told him that I ran across the information about his parental rights when I was doing some internet reading about unwed father’s parental rights in Tennessee and called our family attorney friend to confirm if the information was correct which was actually true because I hit the the government website for the state as soon as the DCS worker told me this and it was right there in black and white! Can’t really fault my son for not knowing about his rights…he as well as my husband and I honestly believed that his name being on the birth certificate gave him his parental rights. And, we’re not the only people in Tennessee who believe that but that is NOT the case! My son was working a 12 hour shift when I ran across this info and felt that he needed to be made aware of this asap because I knew that he believed that he had full parental rights since his name was on the birth certificate and but we also believed that because they had never been to court to establish custody that he had as much right to scoop the baby up and leave with her as the gf did and that IS the case but ONLY if a couple is MARRIED and they are NOT. If they are not married, the mother automatically has full custody by law in the state of Tennessee whether the father’s name is on the birth certificate or not and it doesn’t matter if they lived together when the child was conceived and have remained residing together. As it stands, he has NO rights to the his own child. Tennessee is way behind on a lot of laws. They do not recognize common law marriage, grandparents rights and even pregnancy drug addiction as child abuse like a lot of other states. However, the second the baby is born, if the mother or child tests positive for drugs, then it is considered abuse and the baby is snatched away by DCS immediately. A group of liberals keep blocking that law from getting passed because they say it borders too closely to a mother’s rights to choose to have an abortion. A married mother can have an abortion without her husband’s consent but she can not give the baby up for adoption without her husband’s consent even if her husband is not the bio father…not sure if that particular law is a federal law or a state law but I ran across that when I was reading also. I’m just grateful that I ran across the information and was able to confirm it.
Family law specialist? Ha! This town doesn’t even have one and bringing an attorney in from out of town is out of the question because he wouldn’t have a leg to stand on. The town is ran off the good old boy system. I’ve lived her all of my life and that’s the way it’s always been and probably always will be. Basically, it would boil down to our money fighting her family’s money and reputation which wouldn’t be much of a problem and the other thing that would go in our favor is that her father is from England. Local people are definitely favored here. When the attorney called us back to talk to us about other options, his suggestion was that my son go ahead and marry her and that he could divorce her within a month if he needed to. He said the total cost of both would be around $1,000 where the option of fighting her in court to establish his parental rights could run into thousands. He also said that once they were married, that we, as the legal grandparents, could file a petition through the court for custody, leave DCS out of it because they half ass do their job anyway, and the judge usually granted the grandparents at least legal guardianship if not full custody rights anytime drug use was involved and also based on the fact that we have the child the majority of the time. I know it sounds far-fetched but that’s just the way it works here. We’re not only dealing with the laws of the state but the politics of the town. The lawyer also said that since my husband and I both come from families that most of the legal system is familiar with and hold good reputations with them and her family is basically unknown to them, that this, too, would give us a lot of leverage. It’s not been too many years that everyone in this town knew everyone else. Then, an industrial park was built that brought a lot of people from the outside into town. The newbies haven’t had time to build personal relationships with the powers that be. It’s biased and sad for them because I’m sure there’s a lot of good people among the newbies but that’s just the way the politics of this town are. It’s who you know.
Yes! So glad that I was able to get my emotions settled down and separate them from my logical thinking! The mother sent a text earlier that she would like to pick the baby up when she got off work at 7:00 which as I explained before, the baby is not even awake at that time. I responded that would be fine and could see how it would easier for her to not have to make a trip back out a couple of hours later after the baby woke up on her own. I told her I’d be sure and wake her a get her strapped in her car seat and have her ready a few minutes before she was due to pick her up. She’d be ready and waiting. If it’s one thing we all know about the baby, she screams her head off if she gets woke up before SHE’S ready to wake up! LOL! She responded back a bit later that she would pick her up after she’d had time to wake up and have her breakfast! I think I have this thing under control now. Just agree with her crazy ideas and she does just the opposite. So far, so good. 😉
“Just agree with her crazy ideas and she does just the opposite. So far, so good. ;)”
Once you look at their contradiction behaviour for what it is, spaths become soooooooooooo easy to read, no?
Darwinsmom, YES! And, I’ve KNOWN this for a good while but never really had to deal with it where a baby is concerned. I think I was too caught up in protecting and doing what was right for the baby but I can still do that. Actually, I’m going to do just what I damn well please where the baby is concerned except when it comes to administered meds. If the baby develops a temp or the slightest illness, she, as the mother will just have to forfeit some drug money by losing work time to come collect HER sick child and care for it. I’ve also decided that I am not going to make myself as available for childcare as before. For one thing, it’s taking a toll on me. My husband came in from work today to find me laying on our bed (awake) while the baby played beside me, took one look at me, collected the baby, the dog and phones from our bedroom and told me to go to sleep and stay asleep as long as I wanted! I asked him if he was tired from working. He said yes, but that I looked much more tired. I slept from 4 until 1:30 this morning!
Need more good advice about the BEST way to handle this situation. Okay, the gf was off work yesterday after having worked a graveyard shift the night before. She told me that she wanted to sleep a couple of hours before picking the baby up yesterday morning. I planned my afternoon. My son had to work until 6:00 yesterday evening and got home around 6:30. The girlfriend finally contacted me at 6:30 to say that she was coming to pick the baby up and that she would be taking care of the baby today (my son was scheduled to work today) and that he would be caring for her tonight while she worked and tomorrow because he would be off work. I thought, “okay, I have 2 days to catch up on some things around the house and in the office.” Two hours after picking her up last night, I received a text from her if she could bring the baby at 10:00 this morning so she could get some sleep to prepare for work tonight…goes in at 11 PM! My first inclination was to say NO, I have things to do and need some rest myself! But, my husband laid out a couple of scenarios about her being alone with the baby all pilled up or making another 300 mile drug run and taking the baby along and how easily it would be for the baby to be in harm’s way. So, I asked her if she could bring her around noon to give me some time to accomplish a few things. She said yes.
I get a text (so sick of texts!) from my son at 7:30 this morning telling me that he is sick, not going to work today but going to the doctor. I asked what the nature of his illness was…he said the gf would tell me. She then sends a text asking me to call her because she wants to tell me what SHE heard in his lungs and that she will be keeping the baby until late afternoon. She’s fresh out of LPN school and thinks she’s a doctor! I just responded with “tell him to go to the doctor.” HE, then sends me a text telling me that he will bring the baby when he goes to the doctor. I asked if that would be around noon or late afternoon and he asked if wasn’t noon the plan? I answered yes but that the gf had said late afternoon and called to his attention that there was a difference. They are in the same tiny apartment right now to my knowledge and yet sending me totally mixed signals. I told him that THEY needed to get their communication straight and asked if noon was still the plan what any of this had to do with ME. He told me that he just wanted me to know that he was sick. I still have NO idea what time the baby is coming or how to plan my day. I have explained to both of them how disruptive their vague or confusing communication is time and time again because we run a business and I have other responsibilities that require my attention and that I have to PLAN to set aside time to do. I’ve even told them to get a sitter! My son also, said that he would be working tomorrow so I guess whatever is “in his lungs” that prevented him from working today will miraculously be cured by tomorrow??? And, his working tomorrow means that I will be keeping the baby today and tomorrow so no break for me. I’m sorry, y’all, some of this is venting because it just really gripes my ass that this girl cannot tend to the baby ALONE for as much as 5 minutes yet I’m raising her and not even considered family by law. Also, I need to know how to deal with this confusing double talk, still manage to have a life but not lose the “privilege” of seeing my granddaughter who by law, isn’t really my granddaughter?
You all have given me wonderful advice about the tactics for dealing with these issues. However, I am literally physically exhausted from taking care of the baby and so mentally drained by the multiple daily confusions created by my son and the gf, that I am not capable of thinking swiftly enough to know how I should respond when these things arise. I honestly don’t even have TIME to respond to one incident before another is inflicted into my dead brain! Is there ONE thing that I can have in mind at all times that will help me respond in a way that doesn’t create more confusion? I keep screwing up by responding in ways that I would with normal and reasonable thinking people. I can’t do that!
Tami, they are not able to synchronize their lies effectively, that’s all.
As I mentioned, before, if it were me, I would tell them both that I can no longer afford a cell phone and that they need to call me on the telephone landline to speak to me. “What if there’s an emergency?!” Well, the human species seemed to survive quite well for tens of thousands of years without the need to TEXT MESSAGE (caps are emphasis, only, not yelling) as a form of “communication.”
The spath mother cannot tend her child because she doesn’t WANT to (again, caps for emphasis), and she knows very well (and, so does the son) that somebody is going to rush to that child’s aid in a panic, without fail.
I don’t have any words of wisdom to offer, here. I know what I’m reading in your posts, I know what the drama/trauma is generating, and I just really can’t offer you much more than my observations. And, I’m truly sorry about this – I’m not in a very good state of mind, right now, myself.
But, I wish you the brightest and most comforting blessings I can muster, today – I would not wish your experiences upon anyone….
tami,
I’m sorry that you don’t get a break at all. You do understand better what’s going on for yourself, but you’re not getting a breather time, and still need to remind yourself not to feed her with info on your hopes and plans for her to disrupt.
For a moment there yesterday she gave you hope and freedom to think you could plan your next 2 days for yourself, only to have it crushed in the morning and then of course totally derailed by mixed and unresolved agreements of when and where. She does the same thing with your son at the same time. They aren’t a team, and so there’s no team info from them. When I was in Nicaragua with the spath it was plain impossible to plan one hour ahead, because he never ever kept up to his part of the bargain. The worst thing I could do was decide to go do something with him after somethin he had to do on his own… I’d end up waiting and wasting the whole afternoon away then. For a long while he kept me pinned at the hostel or his father’s home every day again because of it, despite my resolve the next day to do something on my own. Every time he would just get my hopes up again the night before or in the morning and we’d be ready to leave and then “Oh, I’ll just run over to the shop there to get us some water,” and before I could say anything in response he’d be out the door and gone for hours. Eventually I did start to do my own stuff and agreed to meet up with him at some other place than home, and if he wasn’t there within half hour I went to do some other stuff. At least by then i had my own key and wasn’t dependent of being home to let him in or didn’t need him to be there to let me in.
It was all just a game to him, and it worked until I stopped participating in it, or at least it couldn’t bother me anymore since I wouldn’t let my plans be dependent of it anymore.
But that’s a situation between two adults. The baby is dependent of agreed and kept appointment, and it either needs to be brought or picked up by someone.
All I can tell you is what you are saying to yourself at the end of your post: do not expect them to respect your reasonable request to think of your needs and do not let her get your hopes up (that’s always a trap).
Tami, I think you have “signed up for” a life time of heart ache and problems in dealing with this GF and your son over this child. The child will become a pawn in this “game” of push and shove.
There is no way the child can win, or that you can win this “game” because you do not get to make the rules. Your son and his GF do and their dysfunctional behavior will continue until one or both of them decides to get straight and I don’t see that happening any time soon.
Milo, a blogger here, has custody of her grandson (her daughter is a drug addict, prostitute) and even though she has full custody her life is still hell because of the daughter’s interferance and attempts to get custody back….even while living on the street.
Her daughter has ANOTHER child as well, but Milo has purposely decided to not take on this child as well, to not become emotionally attached to the child.
You ask yourself and us “If I don’t take care of her, then what will become of her?” My answer is, the SAME thing that will happen to her if you attempt to take care of her….when you were here last time on LF you wanted to get a face lift and have a life with your husband and go places and do things.
I suggest that you let your son and his GF be responsible for the child that they have brought into the world, or let the department of child services take the child and put her into foster care, because if you sign on for this life time of misery in trying to take care of this child in spite of having no legal right to do so, you are not going to “win” and you WILL “lose” emotionally and financially.
My suggestion for your own sanity is to inform your son and his GF that THEY are responsible for child care and that THEY can find and pay for child care and that you intend to live your own life and expect them to take care of the child.
In the event that they do not step up to do this, then inform child protective services. Just MHO.