Many Lovefraud readers experience the phenomenon of “losing yourself” in the sociopathic relationship. Before meeting the sociopath, you may have been, for the most part, happy, confident, successful and financially stable. You had a network of people who cared about you. Yes, there was some kind of vulnerability—perhaps you were a bit lonely—and the sociopath used the vulnerability to infiltrate your life. But, for the most part, you were okay.
Then, either suddenly or slowly, your life disintegrated, and the problems you face are so immense, and so interconnected, and so overwhelming, that you don’t know where to begin unraveling them. You don’t have the energy to start. Rather than the happy and confident person you once were, you are anxious, depressed and fearful. You don’t know how you are going to survive.
And you don’t know how it all happened. Trying to figure it out, you describe the individual’s behavior to friends or a therapist, and someone mentions the word “sociopath.” Or you do a Google search—perhaps on “pathological lying”—and end up on Lovefraud.
You are in shock. The description fits, and you realize that the individual never cared about you, that you were targeted, and that you allowed yourself to be scammed, either financially or emotionally. You’ve lost money, or your home, or your job, or your support network—or all of it.
Blame game
As you realize the depths of the betrayal, the blame game starts. And whom do you blame? Yourself.
You are furious with yourself for not seeing it sooner. You didn’t listen to people who warned you, or to your own inner voice that was telling you something was amiss. Instead, you believed the silver-tongued liar, the crying and pleading actor, whose real intention was to drain from you everything he or she could.
Besides everything physical and financial that you lost, you are most upset because you no longer have your sense of self. You feel like you lost your soul.
Now what?
The sociopath is responsible
First of all, recognize that you are not responsible for the abuse you experienced.
The sociopath may have blamed you for his or her actions, saying, “You made him (her) do it.” Understand that statements like these were all part of the manipulation. The terrible words were spoken specifically to throw you off-balance and break you down, so that the sociopath could maintain control.
He or she is responsible for the hurtful words—and for all abusive actions.
Commit to recovery
Next, know that you can recover. The key to recovery is recognizing that the fraud and betrayal is NOT WHO YOU ARE. The devastation by the sociopath is something that happened to you. The betrayal was an incident, an experience. Do not allow it to define the rest of your life.
Make a decision, a commitment to yourself, that you are going to heal.
This means you need to allow yourself to experience the deep wells of pain, disappointment and grief that the experience caused. You have to get it out of your system, and the only way to do that is to allow yourself to process the pain, which means feeling it.
Finally, you need to let the experience go. How do you do this? You accept that it happened, and that there is nothing you can do to change the past. This does not mean you excuse what the sociopath did. But you do recognize that the betrayal was an INCIDENT IN YOUR LIFE, and NOT LET IT DEFINE THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.
It is true that you will never be the same after the experience with the sociopath, and you may have, in fact, lost yourself. But by facing the pain, processing it and letting it go, you can find a new “you,” one with a richer, deeper understanding of the human condition, and more capacity for love and compassion than you ever had before.
You can recover. You can grow. You can acquire wisdom. And you can move on and find happiness—perhaps sharing the wisdom you acquired to help prevent others from going through what you experienced.
Oxy, great post addressed to Truth and Sky which you must have been writing while I was writing my last post. I totally agree with everything you said.
Dear Scammed,
I was warned but didnt listen. I wanted to die. But I found lovefraud and people like Oxdrover that changed my life and helped me through this very difficult life lesson. Hang on ,you will get through this.
Tami, your higher power keeps giving you one opportunity after the other to let go. You didn’t do it before – you kept the toxic people at a close enough distance for their drama to reel you in. And you are still doing it, only now you are more entrenched because you are bonding with the baby. Reacting with fear, anger, game playing, or reacting in any way is really coming down to their level and feeding the drama. It is not too late to do it differently and just detach, distancing yourself from all the drama and the toxic people. I don’t mean act like you are distancing. I mean really truly distancing. A higher power, or whatever spiritual path or guide you have can help you with this. However, in order to do it, you have to let go of the guilt you will feel for putting your own peace of mind first. And of course, you have to have peace of mind as your primary goal. If you don’t, then you will not have it. You will be at the mercy of others’ agendas and you will get what you get, rather than what truly makes you happy.
I have a friend who is in the exact same situation as yours. The drug addict is her daughter. And my friend now has temporary – and possibly permanent – custody of the grandchildren. This would be great if the grandchildren energized her and were a blessing in her life. Instead, they are completely out of control and have drained every ounce of energy she has until she is over the top with stress, not to mention the stress of dealing with her daughter, who is probably a spath. My friend feels some sort of internal obligation to take the kids. And she is not happy about it. If only she could free herself from that obligation. There are many loving couples out there who have the energy and time to care for foster kids. I don’t think she feels like she has a choice. Because if she had really freely chosen, she’d be much more at peace with her new life. A lot of people have a very strong sense of family obligation which ties them into a life they would not necessarily choose for themselves. It was very freeing for me to let go of the guilt and go against what society says is ‘right’ and to just let go. Though I feel a lot of nostalgia for my family, I am really much happier without them. I am free to live the life that was intended for me, and not live for everyone else. I realize this is not how most of the world is, so I deal with being called selfish from time to time. But a lot of the people who call me selfish are also envious that they cannot be like me. They can’t because of the fear of being selfish. I think putting yourself first and taking care of yourself is the very opposite of selfish. Only from a place of self-love can you really reach out and give freely of yourself to others, free from a sense of obligation.
Tami, this is about the art of detachment, and is one of my go to articles…I have posted it her twice, before. I think this is what you need most to focus on. I hope you find it helpful.
http://www.livestrong.com/article/14712-developing-detachment/
Tami, I am relieved to read that you’re seeing precisely what’s going on, even if it’s painful. Of course, you’re feeling depressed and anxious about this! What feeling and loving human being wouldn’t?
You mentioned that your husband is having a hard time with the truths of this situation, and that’s why I’ve strongly suggested counseling. Seeking counseling is an emotional imperative, IMHO, when managing the carnages of spath entanglements. It doesn’t mean that we’re “weak” or incapable of dealing with the by-products of spathy. It only means that we just don’t have the tools at our disposal.
My belief, from what you’ve described, is that the spath mother will eventually surrender the baby – most likely on a voluntary basis, once she realizes that there’s no benefit of using her, anymore. She’s far too selfish, and if there’s no use that she can make of the baby, what’s the pointr of keeping a tool that doesn’t work?
I’ve made numerous mentions of the cell phone and the text messaging. Have you given any consideration to my suggestions? As long as there is an impoersonal mode of “communication,” they (both of them) will have a way “in” to your heads.
Tami, dear heart, the legal system is flawed and very unjust. This just is what it is. I don’t like it, either – not one bit. But, I can’t make any headway for myself or change anything unless I get some serious healing and recovery. And, I’m not going to find either in any courtroom.
I urge you and your husband to block them both, their friends, and her family numbers from your cell phones and get a landline. Screen call using a digital answering machine instead of voice-mail. Then, consider getting involved in some strong counseling. You see, it’ not just HER that’s the problem (caps for emphasis), but your son is up to his hairline in all of this whether or not he’s a willing participant or a victim, himself.
Brightest courageous blessings to you
OxD, I am out of the “I Can Save You” business, and its subsidiary, “I Will Encourage Where Others Didn’t.” I am currently embarking on a Peace Mission to save and encourage myself. The former ventures were not profitable and sustained heavy losses. I’m OUT!
Oh, I’m still in a state of damage. For whatever reasons, I am meant to have these experiences and “do something” with them. I don’t like it. I don’t want it. But, these are the cards that I was dealt along with the ones that I chose. It’s either move forward, or roll over and give the spath the win.
Thank you SO much for the insight and common sense, OxD. It’s beyond priceless.
Brightest blessings
Truthspeak,
I’ve meant to respond to your suggestion about no texts before. I detest texting as a means of communication. And, yes, we have a land line. However, I can upload text conversations sent to and from my phone to my computer or even print them by connecting my printer’s USB cable to my phone. Before I learned that my son had no legal custodial rights, I felt these texts were an excellent reflection of just how bizarre the gf behaves, the crazy demands she makes concerning the baby, the insults, contradictions, etc. Also, I have multiple texts that show when she has picked the baby up, stated that she would be keeping her because she would be off work and then texted me a couple of hours later to say that she was bringing the baby back because she was tired, sick, had gotten called in to work, etc. Every single exchange is dated and time stamped. I started to follow your advice and demand voice conversations but there’s still a lot of talk about the two of them getting married. If they get married, my son will have the same legal custodial rights that she has since he has already established paternity at the hospital when the baby was born. He had to do that in order for his name to be on the baby’s birth certificate and for her to carry his last name. However, in this crazy state, LEGAL paternity that gives my son his custodial rights can only be granted through the court system or by marriage. Crazy…huh? However, the judge rarely denies a father his custodial rights if he was present and established paternity at the time of birth and has resided with the mother of the child throughout her pregnancy and after the birth of the child. Also, as it stands, the baby is NOT eligible for child support, social security benefits or any inheritances from my family that are willed to my son in the event that he should pass away before receiving the inheritances. So, it really is in the baby’s best interest for legal paternity to be established but the spath gf doesn’t CARE about the child’s best interest. She’s out to get her jollies by hurting those that care about the baby and I feel that it’s just a matter of time before she decides that her sister should have the baby. She’s even made the statement that if she can’t take care of the baby, she will give her to her sister. This act would also keep her in the good graces of her father. I feel that she is presently focused on using the baby to hurt me and will probably continued to do so until she grows bored and then she’ll inflict the ultimate pain of giving the baby to her sister. However, she DOES use the baby as a tool to get money from her father and as a way of attracting attention to herself from others.
I’m really wrestling with myself about this. If I detach myself totally and refuse to keep the baby, then that’s one less purpose that the baby will serve to her. Also, the baby will then become a huge financial expense to her. She’ll have to pay for childcare and provide the necessities for the baby that we currently provide when she is in our care which has turned into nearly 24/7. But, my brain KNOWS that I CAN’T beat this spath gf…no way! The only hope is that my son will step up to the plate and demand his legal custodial paternal rights and yes, my husband and I are willing to pay for the attorney and court costs to do this because he certainly doesn’t have it. Why are we willing to do this? Simply because I will then be recognized as the legal grandparent of the child and will also give my son some say in where the baby will be placed if it is removed from the home by DCS. DCS prefers that the child be placed in the same general area as the parents and that will certainly rule her sister out. BUT, my son has to be willing to cooperate! Once I get the opportunity to speak with him alone and I determine IF he his truly willing, we will either help him establish his legal custodial rights OR we will completely sever our relationship with the baby and most likely also with him. So, I am preparing myself to not only detach myself from my only grand child but my only child, as well.
Tami, strongest and tightest hugs to you. I know how painful this is, on all levels. Emotionally, financially, spiritually….it’s all very, very painful. And, of course you are wrestling with these difficult decisions, because not one of them will be warm and fuzzy, by any stretch of the imagination. There are no really “good” options, here – there are only pragmatic ones, and emotionally detaching from such a highly charged situation is a challenge, at the very least, and nigh-on-impossible, at the very worst.
No, there will be no “win” in this situation, no matter how it goes. But, you are sounding very strong and resolved, this morning, and I am grateful to read it.
For me, being “farking resolved” means that I understand the options, and that I accept that none of them are nice. I don’t like it, I don’t, I don’t, I DON’T! (caps are to be interpreted as shouting) But, there is no religious, spiritual, or philosophical stance that guarantees me that I’m entitled to have options that I’m going to “like.” And, I really do not like this truth – I don’t.
Tami, you’re going to be fine, in due time. Even if you have to sever your ties with your own son, you’ll get through that if/when the time comes. But, as I said, you’re reading very strong and resolved, today, and take the virtual hands of all of us on LoveFraud, and march through this day as a determined and righteous part of this Universe.
Brightest, brightest blessings
As a complete aside, I am looking at each of our present struggles and the myriad posted articles that I read precisely when I needed to, and the feeling that I get is similar to a place in Tolkien’s trilogy when the King, Theoden, is released from the hold that was placed upon him through bad counsels that resulted in the near-destruction of his kingdom, and the loss of his only son. King Theoden is facing what is likely to be his final moments in a battle against the evil of Middle Earth. He stands in his stirrups and encourages his warriors that, though they may die, today, they will have died in honor of the defenses of the righteous, and even their deaths will be glorious simply because of the righteous fight.
Perhaps, it’s this – the death of some part of me – that I’m supposed to embrace and face with courage. That dependency. That blind belief that “everyone is okay.” That distasteful part of me that has allowed and enabled others to victimize. Letting go of those false beliefs and views will allow me to become what I should have been, all along. I dont’ know what it is, but it will have a chance to sprout and flourish when the “evil” passes.
Yeah……I’m virtually babbling, again.
Truthspeak: You are not ‘babbling’.
Your posts make perfect sense to me.
I understand you.
It’s a horrible ‘evilness’ that has befallen our lives for no reason other than it could.
The evilness will pass. Trust me, it will.
You just have to hang onto yourself through the battle.
And you will prevail. I JUST KNOW IT.
I am starting to latch a hold of life all over again now.
“IT” and ‘minions’ are still lurking, however, it has gotten
very quiet over the past few weeks, with the exception
of a ‘new minion’ calling and leaving a nasty message on
my answering machine. Which, that number was promptly
blocked as well.
Stalkers: pffffft!
He needs to take a big bite off of this:
STALKING LIKE HE IS DOING IS A FEDERAL OFFENSE.
IF IT PERSISTS, HE WILL BE IN TROUBLE and it will be
ITS THIRD STRIKE. (Caps used for emphasis only).
“IT” is aware of this. Completely.
And, I am not afraid to do it.
In fact, it would be MY PLEASURE to become “ITS”
third strike. If it acquires this third strike, IT is going
to jail to serve all the time it has accumulated along the
way; not just with me, but with others. All total, my current
estimation is that “IT” is looking at AT LEAST 25 years to life.
The charges run from felonious assault, to terrorist threats; death threats; attempted murder; scamming; intrastate scamming using the internet and a whole bunch of others. All total, 25 to life. I have added them all up. And I shared that piece of information with “IT” at the time I threw it in the garbage, with a WARNING: STAY AWAY FROM ME.
Yes, a part of us has died. That part is not ever going to come back and that is the hardest part. Once we make peace with the ‘new’ us, we will start to settle down and find life again. It takes a while. But, you are going to be alright. You are. Don’t criticize yourself. It happens to even the best of us. They are experts at what they do and they are never going to change.
Your peace is coming, Truthspeak. I know you can feel it there, in the background, just waiting for you to latch onto it. It isn’t going to present itself to us: (that new life)…we have to scratch, dig and fight for it.
Have a happy day, would ya?
Realize that these animals are the scourge of the earth.
They always have been and they always will be.
I am going to send positive thoughts and energy to you today.
Dupey