Many Lovefraud readers experience the phenomenon of “losing yourself” in the sociopathic relationship. Before meeting the sociopath, you may have been, for the most part, happy, confident, successful and financially stable. You had a network of people who cared about you. Yes, there was some kind of vulnerability—perhaps you were a bit lonely—and the sociopath used the vulnerability to infiltrate your life. But, for the most part, you were okay.
Then, either suddenly or slowly, your life disintegrated, and the problems you face are so immense, and so interconnected, and so overwhelming, that you don’t know where to begin unraveling them. You don’t have the energy to start. Rather than the happy and confident person you once were, you are anxious, depressed and fearful. You don’t know how you are going to survive.
And you don’t know how it all happened. Trying to figure it out, you describe the individual’s behavior to friends or a therapist, and someone mentions the word “sociopath.” Or you do a Google search—perhaps on “pathological lying”—and end up on Lovefraud.
You are in shock. The description fits, and you realize that the individual never cared about you, that you were targeted, and that you allowed yourself to be scammed, either financially or emotionally. You’ve lost money, or your home, or your job, or your support network—or all of it.
Blame game
As you realize the depths of the betrayal, the blame game starts. And whom do you blame? Yourself.
You are furious with yourself for not seeing it sooner. You didn’t listen to people who warned you, or to your own inner voice that was telling you something was amiss. Instead, you believed the silver-tongued liar, the crying and pleading actor, whose real intention was to drain from you everything he or she could.
Besides everything physical and financial that you lost, you are most upset because you no longer have your sense of self. You feel like you lost your soul.
Now what?
The sociopath is responsible
First of all, recognize that you are not responsible for the abuse you experienced.
The sociopath may have blamed you for his or her actions, saying, “You made him (her) do it.” Understand that statements like these were all part of the manipulation. The terrible words were spoken specifically to throw you off-balance and break you down, so that the sociopath could maintain control.
He or she is responsible for the hurtful words—and for all abusive actions.
Commit to recovery
Next, know that you can recover. The key to recovery is recognizing that the fraud and betrayal is NOT WHO YOU ARE. The devastation by the sociopath is something that happened to you. The betrayal was an incident, an experience. Do not allow it to define the rest of your life.
Make a decision, a commitment to yourself, that you are going to heal.
This means you need to allow yourself to experience the deep wells of pain, disappointment and grief that the experience caused. You have to get it out of your system, and the only way to do that is to allow yourself to process the pain, which means feeling it.
Finally, you need to let the experience go. How do you do this? You accept that it happened, and that there is nothing you can do to change the past. This does not mean you excuse what the sociopath did. But you do recognize that the betrayal was an INCIDENT IN YOUR LIFE, and NOT LET IT DEFINE THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.
It is true that you will never be the same after the experience with the sociopath, and you may have, in fact, lost yourself. But by facing the pain, processing it and letting it go, you can find a new “you,” one with a richer, deeper understanding of the human condition, and more capacity for love and compassion than you ever had before.
You can recover. You can grow. You can acquire wisdom. And you can move on and find happiness—perhaps sharing the wisdom you acquired to help prevent others from going through what you experienced.
Tami, why should they take the baby more than 2-3 times a week when then have a built-in babysitter? Do you know how many people would LOVE to drop their babies off at your house and have you take care of them 24/7? I can think of several right off the top of my head.
Truthspeak,
Thank you for your kind response. I appreciate you and everyone who has suffered through reading my long and I’m sure what seemed like rambling posts. I’ve always found it helpful to express my feelings by writing them down. I probably should have saved a lot of my frustration, anger, hurt, confusion, etc. that I have brought here for my journal! It seems that when I am in a high state of emotional turmoil, writing helps me collect my thoughts. However, it was the feedback of others here that helped me arrive at why I am allowing this situation to rule not only my emotions but pretty much my life right now. When I first starting posting about my situation, I was looking for validation that the gf’s behavior is that of a spath. Since I first learned about sociopaths, it seems like they are everywhere I turn! I struggle with accepting that out of the percentage of people thought to be sociopaths that I, personally, could have encountered so many! I am now beginning to understand that it really doesn’t matter if the gf is a sociopath or the reasons behind my son’s acceptance of her behavior or for his own behavior. At any rate, their behavior is unacceptable and only THEY can change that. I also realize that if either of them or possibly both are sociopaths, change is not to be expected.
At some point during my posts here, several of you have made the suggestion that I needed to focus on my own healing and separate myself emotionally from this situation…that was my interpretation of the advice. I read the advice but I wasn’t absorbing it well enough to process it…if that makes any sense. There were times that I wondered how in the world some of you could be so what seemed so uncaring to disregard my concern and wanting to somehow prevent an innocent child from becoming a full blown victim of yet another spath. At the time, I was too emotionally charged by the situation to put anything into perspective. I am also exhausted from months of caring for the baby while also allowing the parents to drop their own drama in my lap. I am now beginning to see how I had my own life experiences, concern for the baby and their drama molded into one big ball of wax. In reality, these things are at least three balls of wax that should be dealt with individually and in a manner that is beneficial to myself. I have to remove my own childhood and the knowledge and guilt of my son’s childhood from Ava’s. I can do that now and be at peace with it. That’s one wax ball eliminated. And, I can certainly remove the ongoing drama created by their inability to get along, drug use, disrespect of me, and allowing them to use the baby to turn the nice, peaceful little life that I have struggled so long to acquire into total chaos! There goes the second ball of wax. And, the last ball (although the heaviest) is to not make myself so readily available to keep the baby during times that they are inconvenienced by her! If they are working I’ll help out. Their work schedules SHOULD allow the baby to be at home with them all week and my services should only be needed when they both have to work the weekends. And, now that they both have jobs, I will expect them to provide baby food, formula and diapers when she is in my care. I really don’t feel that either of them want to find themselves guilty of abuse or neglect. Their having to provide the things that she needs will certainly create a huge dent in their drug funds. THEY have a baby and need to get used to the idea and assume responsibility for her needs and well-being. If aren’t willing to do this, then we’ll file a petition for custody of her and cross that bridge when it gets here. We’ve never TRIED to make them be responsible because we’ve made ourselves available simply because we fear what MIGHT happen. I MIGHT die tomorrow. My husband and I certainly have valid reasons of not being able to care for the baby 24/7. We have a business to run and our own responsibilities to tend to. The news can be delivered to them in a manner that is not threatening. Actually, the gf’s excuse of not being able care for the baby due to her having a job and then needing rest certainly applies to our lives as well. Her own excuses that she sees as being valid can be tossed right back at her diplomatically. My son is supposed collect the baby later today and keep her until he goes back to work on Friday. If he doesn’t show, I will pack her up and deliver her to them. She is a nurse for the elderly and his work is also being a caretaker of those with developmental disabilities. They are both charged with ensuring the welfare of others so it seems that they should be able to ensure the welfare of their own child!
Do the conclusions that I have reached and the decisions I have made seem like a healthy response to this situation? I’m asking you to please let me know if you think I’m STILL not handling this situation properly. I arrived at these decisions based on what mine and my husband’s needs are to resume the life that we had as well as recognizing that the gf and my son need to assume responsibility for the baby. And, also our being able to spend SOME time with the baby because we do enjoy her.
Stargazer, I think I just answered your question in my last post addressed to Truthspeak. 🙂
Tami, I think your decisions are a BIG step toward stopping the ENABLING of both your son and the GF–YOU have been taking care of the baby, buying the diapers, etc. and letting her sleep while you do HER (the mother’s) job.
As long as you continue to do that she will (and he will) not step up, they will begin to believe it is YOUR responsibility to care for the baby, but the baby is theirs and at any time they get pithed at you, they will use the baby as a pawn to hurt you—even if it hurts the baby.
So set some boundaries, and STICK to them, and have a life for yourself. Oh, BTW how’d your face lift turn out? Are you glad you did it? A friend of mine just had a boob job and a liposuction and she said it was realy painful. Not sure I could do “voluntary” surgery. LOL Keep the faith, Tami, and just set some boundaries and then you and your husband have some fun. A life.
Tami, the important question is how do YOU feel about these personal epiphanies? What I think isn’t worth a fart in a windstorm. It’s how these decisions will affect you that matters.
Once again, our past histories are in direct correlation to our current system of beliefs and perceptions. My decisions, of late, have had to be harsh, and there were no easy options, at all. But, without having addressed my past issues, getting a clear picture of how I got to this point, I would currently be dashing about like a chicken with my head twisted off.
I’m finally beginning to see some benefit of these very, very painful lessons, and that is that I must boil my life and life’s course down to me, alone.
Brightest blessings
Truthspeak and Oxy:
I feel good about the decisions and at peace with them. My head is also a lot clearer today and I’m feeling more relaxed. Hey, I know y’all think that I don’t know diddly about life’s lessons and having to be harsh but I really do…I just have a couple of weak spots…one of which has grown stronger since my grandchild was born. My son was a huge weak area for me but I’ve noticed that it has grown a bit stronger since he is now a father himself. Also, my tolerance of his bullshit is pretty much the lowest it’s ever been. I’ve told my son exactly how I feel about his and her lack of responsibility where the baby is concerned and reminded him that he witnessed me work a full time+ extremely stressful job that paid well enough that I was the primary breadwinner, take care of him, his brother AND his father while dealing with his alcoholism and abuse, cook two meals a day, do all the yard work, keep a spotless house, manage the household finances, run him and his brother to and fro for extra curricula activities AND play on two softball teams and a weekend tournament team! Looking back, I have NO idea how in the world I managed all that but I did and ENJOYED it with the exception of taking care of the father. Where did ALL of the energy go? I asked him if she was the “sick” one, why was she the one working, I was the one taking care of the baby, and he was laying on his ass? Direct enough? I am regretful that his childhood wasn’t perfect but in reality, mine was much, much worse than his and there are others who had much worse childhoods than mine. I’ve told him that a person can’t carry it with them the rest of their lives or use it to fall back on. If he is intelligent enough to recognize it as a problem, then he’s intelligent enough to seek help. I think he recovered as well as anyone else could but uses it as an excuse for being lazy and substance abuse. His father has been dead 19 years and while those circumstances might have prompted him to drink, he’s had plenty of opportunities to do something about it with full family support if HE wanted to. And, if it isn’t THAT excuse, it’s that he can’t sleep at night and can’t get up in the morning. Well, he sleeps 10 hours a day so he could sleep 10 hours a night if he’d work on turning his schedule around. And, as far as the gf’s spath behavior that he is dealing with? Establish your paternal rights by marrying her and deal with her or take her to court to get them and get the hell away from her! I’ve said all of this to him in the last couple of weeks…harsh enough? I love him and always will but have made it clear to him that when he had a child, it is now SHE that is the baby and not him! She has NO choices right now but he has plenty! And, yes, it is SHE that is my weakness because of her innocence but I’ve realized that if I keep allowing them to use that weakness against me, then THEY benefit from it and will NEVER step up! And, the worry about her giving the baby to her sister? Her sister is nearly 40 years old, has a nice carefree life with a long-time partner, a demanding career, lives only a little over 3 hours away and only comes to town a couple of times a year. My guess is that the sister stays away because she wants no part of her kid sister’s drug problems, or their mother’s mental illness. So, WHY would she want to take on a baby? So, I’m no longer concerned about her giving the baby to the sister! The sister most likely got the hell out of Dodge to save her own sanity years ago!
Oxy: I had my surgery and am very pleased with it…recovery was a piece of cake. I still look very much like ME but more like I did at 35. I only had lipo suction done under my chin and the area under my lower lids. The lower lid area really wasn’t even sore but the area under my chin was extremely tender for about 4 months. The rest involved tightening my skin and trimming the excess. I had the surgery near the end of January and spring clean the entire month of February. Others have told me that people who have lipo procedures done to their abdomen, thighs, and other larger areas of the body are miserable for years. I can see that because of the tenderness I experienced under my chin. I wouldn’t even consider going there myself. I just wear clothes that hide the belly roll that suddenly appeared in my 40s. I never really had a serious weight issue and I’m happy with my boobs and a push-up bra. I did have a little juvaderm and botox injected in the area between my brows…have squinted since I was a kid. The surgeon told me that pulling that area tightly enough to pull the lines out would make me look like a blue eyed Asian. So, we didn’t go there. I loved my surgeon and chose him because he is best known for maintaining a natural look and that’s exactly what he did. He even told me that he could make me LOOK 20 but people would wonder what in the hell had gone wrong with the rest of me since my body wouldn’t match my face. He has a wonderful sense of humor and is brutally honest…I liked that about him.
Oooh, I also was curious about your facelift, Tami, because that may be in my future someday, too. I’m glad it went well. For the midsection area, I did the Zerona laser (non-invasive) treatments last year. Between that and paleo diet, I lost two clothing sizes and did shrink down some in that problem area. I highly recommend it – there are no risks whatsoever.
Tami, my final comment about your situation is that telling your son he needs to get his act together and setting your own boundaries are totally different things. Because in the first scenario, you are still telling him how to live his life. You are angry and there is still drama. Setting a boundary requires simply saying “No”. “Sorry, I’m not available to (fill in).” “I’m sorry you are having such a tough time. I hope you find the resources you need. I can’t help you right now.” See the difference? It’s not done with any kind of anger; it can be done with great compassion. It’s a form of detachment from drama.
Hmmm…might need to her more about the procedure you had done.
Gotcha on the difference and I was upset when I told him these things as well as exhausted. The boundary thing is where my husband and I clash…but only where the baby is concerned. He’s great about helping me keep boundaries regarding my son’s hard luck stories for money and such but is not very helpful when I try to set boundaries around how often I help out with the baby. If left up to him, he would have already hired a lawyer and went to court for custody. I feel that boundaries have to be set FIRST. We’ve always been ready and willing to take care of the baby. Anytime, they’ve ever taken her supposedly for the night or once what I thought would be a couple of days, and they call back a couple of hours later with some excuse about why they have to bring her back…I get annoyed. For one thing, it’s mostly ME who cares for her around the clock. My husband helps but mostly by just tending to her so I can bathe OR wash bottles and prepare formula. He talks about the amount of energy she has and how tired I look but turns right around and starts panicking if I tell him that I’m going to refuse to let them bring her back. I am exhausted and need a break. I love her, and feel that she’s the most precious baby in the world but I want to LIVE to spend time with her in the future!
Tami, I suggest, for what it is worth that you give them 1 week to find a PERMANENT BABY SITTER THAT THEY PAY FOR and in the event (RARE EVENT!) that you will fill in, like if the baby sitter breaks a leg…but not be the primary care for the child. No matter how much you want a grandchild, this is going to be (because of the child’s mother) the CHILD CUSTODY FIGHT FROM HELL…just ask Milo about that and the mother in her case is her own daughter.
Even though milo had custody the daughter fought (via a free attorney) for custody even though she was living n the street prosituting herself and the court acted like she was mother of the year, cost Milo tens of thousands of dollars and months of heart ache and the worst part was what it did to the child.
Eve n if your son marries her it may not give him custody rights (I would check that with an atorney since they were not married at the TIME of the kids BIRTH) He may still be only considered a “step father.”
I know boundaries are hard to set when a child is involved, but if you don’t, I don’t think I need a crystal ball to tell you that your life will be hell. But your boundaries are YOURs to set and the consequeses are yours tp live through.
Oxy, I discussed this with the gf when she picked the baby up yesterday. The plan is that now that she will be on dayshift and my son will work 3 twelve hour shifts on Fri – Sun., he will tend to the baby during the week and I will during the times that they BOTH have to work on the weekends. Her schedule varies from week to week. My cousin will serve as backup if my husband and I have plans or simply need to rest. My cousin will keep the baby at our house and for good reasons. For one, my cousin is terrified of the neighborhood where my son and gf are live and so am I! Now, that my son is working, the FIRST goal they have is to move ASAP and I hope they stick to it. The other reason is that I’m all set up for a baby…crib, toys, swing, and such. My cousin is also our house/dog sitter when we go away. So, I don’t mind her using my house to watch the baby. She’s very responsible. Also, she kept her once before and they paid her and know they will have to. She will not tolerate any BS!
Not putting a lot of faith in this but thought I’d throw it out there. The gf has acted quite differently the last couple times that I’ve seen her. My son asked if I could tell a difference in her personality and I said yes. He told me that her new medication has made a big difference and she has stopped the constant bitching and unreasonable behavior. She told me her doc had switched her from Paxil to Zoloft and she now feels motivated, sleeps less and said she is even helping my son with the household chores. She isn’t constantly talking and I was able to hold a conversation with her. She didn’t even take offense to the baby constantly reaching for me the whole time she was holding her…commented that she was grateful to me for being there for them while they worked on pulling themselves together and that it was obvious that I was good to the baby because she loved me so much. I am WELL aware that spath’s can be whoever they choose to be and also that addicts function more normally when they have their drugs. I’ll NEVER totally trust that Zoloft “fixed” her but will keep only a very slight open mind to the possibility only because I don’t fully understand mental illnesses. I don’t recall anything being said about her seeing a doctor, either. My son usually mentions these things. Time will tell. I certainly won’t be foolish enough to let my guard down. And, geez, I forgot that my son asked me two weeks ago if I had any plans tonight and during the day tomorrow which is her birthday…said he wanted to treat her to a birthday dinner and spend some alone time with her. I agreed to be available then to care for the baby but it wasn’t mentioned yesterday. So, if the plans are still on, I guess I’ll keep my word. I know they certainly don’t keep promises to me but don’t see how being spiteful would serve any purpose. I’m not going to mention it.
Shew wee, last night was rough. I collapsed as soon as the baby left around 4 and slept until after 3 am! However, I woke up all through the night feeling for the baby and panicked at one point because I thought I had left her alone in the another bedroom where her crib is. She and I sleep in another room because my husband wakes up when she does and can’t go back to sleep. He needs his rest…he’s been working very long days due to the extreme heat…a lot of AC’s aren’t holding up to the heat. I guess I’ve had the baby for so long that sleeping in our bedroom had me confused last night. My little Boston Terrier certainly was happy to have me back to curl up to 😀