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By July 20, 2017 7 Comments Read More →

The sociopath’s “discard” is soul destroying — you learn your “soul mate” is pure fabrication designed to con, exploit, and hurt

Husband Liar SociopathEvery week, a chapter of my book, “Husband, Liar, Sociopath: How He Lied, Why I Fell For It & The Painful Lessons Learned” (available via Amazon.com, just click on the title or book cover) will be published here on Lovefraud. To read prior chapters, please see the links at the bottom of the post.

Chapter 49B:  Clarity And Its Consequences

With each interaction with Paul, each toxic email, each review of my scary financial situation, each new piece of evidence confirming who and what Paul really was and how much my soul and strength had been sapped in his presence over nearly two decades, depression loomed and increasingly would not be denied. It was as if the earth opened up and swallowed me, dragging me down into a cold, damp inescapable void. I could not will myself out. This is what my marriage and the past twenty years of my life had really been. This is who Paul really was. This is what had been going on all along—manipulation, deceit, and exploitation. Processing it all was overwhelming, exhausting, excruciating.

Fool! Fool! Fool! depression taunted, draining my physical strength and emotional resolve. I could see why so many turn to alcohol, pain killers or other “substances” to numb the pain. My outer and inner life had exploded. My assumptions about the inherent goodness of people, and my faith in myself and, therefore, in my future, were mere dust. I turned to TV to self-medicate. I was drawn almost obsessively to shows about people who were not who others thought they were—people who were probably sociopaths. It was as if I needed to know everything possible about these masked vultures. Perhaps I also sought reassurance that I was not the only smart, capable, loving person whose life had been derailed by a master puppeteer.

Sometimes a new day brought temporary relief before the next communication from Paul reminded me of the blackness of his soul, the charade of my marriage, and the uncertainty of my future. I felt I was in a fight I could never win. He had probably hidden sources of money. I had not. He accepted no moral, ethical, or legal bounds on his actions. I had always honored all three, and I would stay true to that no matter how underhanded Paul chose to be. Fighting seemed futile, but capitulation was not an option.

Increasingly, a night of sleep did not erase the darkness of my mood. Soon, sleep itself proved elusive. Sometimes I slept only a few hours, at other times, not at all. Fighting exhaustion, I stumbled through the days, struggling to focus, to will myself into not being short-tempered with Jessica and Daniel, driving as little as possible for fear of my fatigue causing an accident, and doing only the minimum required for fear that anything I did would be marred by mistakes and misjudgments.

My lawyer, friends, and family all said things like, “Don’t let him get to you!” “Why do you give him so much power over you?” “You have to grow a thicker skin.” “Maybe ask your doctor for some medication.” “Just think about it differently.” I could not help but feel that the unstated premise was that they would not be bothered by any of it, and I should just snap out of it. Such attempts to help backfired, leaving me feeling like a weakling for being so shaken by Paul’s carefully crafted, unremitting emotional assault.

But I wasn’t a weakling. His communication was designed to drain my resolve, confidence, and feelings of self-worth, and it was being done by a person who knew my sensitivities better than anyone. With the emails ostensibly regarding the children, I had to read them, because the courts required that I do my best to co-parent, even with a man who viewed his children as mere pawns.

The cumulative effect of this unending barrage from Paul—most of it couched in respectful, polite language and carefully veiled threats to divert a potential third party, such as a judge, from the true intent of the communication—was poisonous. Some days, I fought just to breathe. Other days I simply surrendered to the searing emotional pain that was now my life.

With my computer serving as the conduit for most of Paul’s venom, I developed an anxiety response to checking my email and eventually to even turning on my computer for any reason. As a result, sometimes I went days without checking email. I refused to configure my phone to receive emails. I did not want to fear my cell phone as well.

At first, when I read Paul’s toxic emails, I wanted to scream. How could someone I was married to for eighteen years do this? How could the father of my children say that? How could someone I loved and supported want to hurt me so much? These are exactly the kinds of questions people ask when interviewed on television after someone they thought they knew did something unforgivable. Most newscasts and talk shows miss the mark on this crucially important teachable moment. The answer is often frighteningly simple. Paul was and is a sociopath—he lacks empathy and ethics, and he is an amazing actor, masterful at using language to deceive and manipulate. Just as lions are beautiful but deadly, sociopaths may appear to be pillars of the community when they are actually vengeful, manipulative, sabotaging, chronic liars who thrive on power and manipulation.

 

Start from the beginning:

Chapter 1

Go to previous chapter:

Chapter 48

Notes

Identifying names, places, events, characteristics, etc. that I discuss here and in my book have been altered to protect the identity of everyone involved.


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7 Comments on "The sociopath’s “discard” is soul destroying — you learn your “soul mate” is pure fabrication designed to con, exploit, and hurt"

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The last sentence is truth.

That is how we can let go. That last sentence will set us free.

They never felt like we did, in the relationship. To us, it was all about love. To them it was all about opportunity and appearance.

Ona, you have a gift of being able to put into words the darkness of the initial awakening. It seems unfathomable that ANYONE could be that sick, that cruel and that unfeeling. But it is even worse than that. It is not just anyone, it is the one you share your life with, your children and your bed. The evil couldn’t be any closer. And you never knew it was there. All along. Sucking the life out of you, slowly but carefully. Playing with you like a cat does with a mouse. Smiling. Promising. Reassuring. The very masks that hide real feelings of Contempt, Disgust, and the desire to wipe you from the earth. And no one really gets how it feels to be at the receiving end of their constant hammering. No one understands what you are going through and how you are hanging on to life by a thread. It is the loneliest road ever. When I look back, I am still not sure how I made it through. I wish there was a way for a person suffering from this awakening, in that they could bang a gong or send up a flare, and those of us who have walked that path could at the very least, be a helpful ear. Even if by email. No one should have to suffer that alone. I know that if I had been able to talk to someone who had an understanding of this personality disorder and it’s consequences on others, It would have made a very big difference in my life. Just a thought……

I don’t know what would have happened to me if the internet and sites like LoveFraud weren’t available. I’m not sure I’d have survived with my sanity.
Being targeted by a spath is like the iconic horror movie theme where the handsome hero turns into an evil murderous monster.

Sad to read this chapter, such a vivid account of what we all go through emotionally, once we choice to see the whole truth of what we have been dealing with since day one.

This is it! This is the moment you realize you have been living in hell. This is the moment that you know, you need to some how muster the strength up to crawl out of hell, but you just don’t know if you can.

Powerful words:

“… It was as if the earth opened up and swallowed me, dragging me down into a cold, damp inescapable void. I could not will myself out..”

Thank you O. for writing this incredibly articulate book of hell with a sociopath. No doubt you are going to help so many not only see the truth but find their strength to crawl out of hell and into the light again.

Not after you learn what a psychopath is.

You hit the nail on the head.

The discard happens as soon as there is a better target. Well before you notice it, the predator has another victim on the hook. You feel it long before you know it. It is like losing the grasp on your mother’s nipple…..so desperate and needy like a newborn….you would do anything to make it not be true. How could someone not love you and not need you and not want you….you try so hard to please him and make him approve of your love and how you show him that you are everything he needs….boy was I wrong.

Anxiety response….I had panic reactions and avoidance responses to ALL mail and bills and court documentation and bailiffs and the sight of my Jag that he stole would send me into severe respiratory distress and fear of his nearness, was he just beside me, behind me, breathing down my neck….I would have known it wouldn’t I?

I wrote a book to document it and it took 5 years to heal, but not completely. I will never be the person I was before Johnny. I live with the stigma of having been “dumb” enough to fall for him. The money he stole destroyed my finances. Yet there was still the trauma bond which made me vulnerable to his communications because I wanted so badly to rewrite the ending.I hope you are feeling better now. Letting go with both hands is difficult but one day you just wake up and it is gone. The feeling of reacting to his calculated actions just melts into nothingness. There is no Samaritan Law that would make me save his life if he was choking in front of me. I would watch him slowly die because he has become a figment of my imagination. If I did not have the financial problems I would be over him. However you have his children. I hope they show you the good side of him in their beings. Everyone has a good and a bad side. Maybe somewhere in your heart you will forgive him and move on. I couldn’t but I do not have his kids. Try to let go and hope he doesn’t notice because he has his pathetic claws into someone else’s psyche. Great writing and imagery in your book.

this person, who is a psychopath, will be a completely different pyschopath with his next target, and different still with any future people. he was not real to me; oh I was, I loved him enough to leave the moral/mental/physical values instilled in me by my family, a kind/caring boyfriend, I put ALL my eggs into HIS basket, and for NOTHING, not even 3 sons. All was fakery, fabrication and lies. I have NO one to blame but me, and you can’t fix any of this. Just dont repeat your mistakes (and I did, when I hired a contractor who IS a psycopath)

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